Do you think he just needs time to calm down?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 months. He has really bad mood swings and will say he’s done with me probably every other week, but he’s always just speaking out of anger & will calm down within a day or two usually.

in the past, i usually drive over to his house to talk to him, face-to-face, to calm him down, but he’s currently halfway across the country dealing with some family issues so I’m hopeless right now.

24 hours before he got angry, he was talking about flying me down there to be with him and help him, and he was calling me wifey and all of this stuff and saying he missed me so much. He made a comment though that upset me and I admit I overreacted because I’m under a lot of stress from missing him. He got agitated by my reaction, but it wasn’t until later that night when I sent him a naughty video of myself that he flipped out and called me all kinds of bad names, and said he was done with me.

he won’t respond to my texts or calls, which isn’t unusual when he gets like this, but we’re entering day three of no contact now and I’m starting to get worried.

his adult son witnessed him having one of these moments with me about 2 weeks ago and told me not to worry that he’s just being angry & drunk and he’s not gonna leave me. But I’m not so sure this time.

I feel like I just have to wait until he comes back home next week and I’ll just go to his house and try to talk to him like I normally do but I can’t handle another week with no contact. It’s driving my anxiety through the roof.

Updates

1 y

He texted me earlier today & just said “please stop sending things”, bc I’ve been ordering him his favorite snacks & stuff off Instacart/GrubHub with gift messages saying that I was sorry. I think this is actually a good sign bc he didn’t call me any bad names, and he didn’t say stop sending me things bc we’re done. He even said please. So I told him that I wouldn’t bother him anymore while he’s still away dealing with stuff, but that I hoped he would reach out to me when he gets home next week

[quaranta]

In only 7 months you got to discover this level of toxicity already, so let's not imagine what you can discover in 2 years and how your role would degenerate with that. Here you are already playing his toxic game because when he threatens you of leaving or gives you the silent treatment (extreme passive aggression and manipulation), you actually go comforting him like a nurse or a mother who has to be patient and swallow everything, carrying his responsibilities for him. You even get worried because of these things, so that means his game works. And that means he is expecting you to carry all the responsibility while having no power, which just can lead you to burnout in the long term. You should make sure you have always an equal amount of responsibility vs power, they should go hand in hand, if you don't want to install an abusive dynamic even more. So if he wants to have this total power on you, he must take his responsibilities, not you for him. Viceversa, if you take such responsibilities, you should have also the power on what he can or cannot do, towards you, and give him ultimatums if you need.
Are you actually attracted to a patient? Is this what you wanted to get from a relationship, before? Maybe not.
He has the communication skills of a pre-teen during conflicts, and stayed stuck at that stage for all this time (I assume he is 30+) which underlines how he got stubborn for all his life and pursued this style of throwing faults on others instead of working on himself, at all, forever (that is what kids do with mothers but at that age is justified). This is overly pathetic and I can't get how you can't be completely turned off by such man. How can you even be worried to lose him? That would be a blessed moment instead, I guess, not something to be afraid of.
Please be very aware of what is going on and about the perspective of how the relationship will be in the future. If he never worked on himself past his early teenage, it's impossible he is going to change, first of all, so you can already abandon any hope that it will be any better in the future. Second, be aware that the more you submit to his game, the more he goes unhinged because you reward his behaviours continuously and that settles the new norm. You're going to bury yourself under this game.
And, weekly, have a reality check: what did you get from him during the week? Which sensations did you feel for the most, from him? Was that worth the dedication you gave him back? You will see that if you ignore the hopes about "what it could be", ignoring the future completely, you will notice that the present is grim.
Lastly: trust is a necessary component of a working relationship but he is trying every method to destroy it and never let it build again. You will end up walking on eggshells continuously, far away from any allied connection with him. You lowered your standards already, though. Be careful of this trend, many women get trapped for years, slowly burying themselves under these coercitions and sense of duty.

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice. No, this is not the kind of relationship that I envisioned when I first met him. He’s 44 by the way. His own son says that he is an overgrown baby…. even his male friends have said he is weird and unpredictable. He has a hard time keeping people in his life and says that everyone always leaves him. I think that’s why I stay because I don’t want to prove his theory right that everybody leaves him because he really didn’t stand a chance to turn out normal. He grew up in an abusive household, and he has battled substance-abuse issues over the years.

[msc545]

People leave him for their own safety. You need to do the same.

[quaranta]

You shouldn't pay for other's mistakes, you weren't his mother, and his childhood is now really not anymore an excuse to not be an independent adult... 44? I see no hopes here, of any sort. He will be forever a victim of himself, like anyone around him. Of course he goes for the theory that he is an innocent victim while no one else understands him. What other explanation would he give to himself to explain a lifelong failure while not wanting to aknowledge his responsibilities? It proves he is not capable, not "wired", to understand his mistakes and how he is responsible for the effects he causes. When you will break up, he won't learn from his mistakes either, he will go for his interpretation that you were a mean ho like he probably talks about his exes, and will do the exact same with his next partner, if there will be any. And so on.
You have the right to get a relationship where you feel safety, relax, connection, trust, respect, freedom, love, support and appreciation.

[BrookeAZ90]

I think you need to stop worrying about him leaving you and leave him. Ticking time bomb. This will likely never ever stop, and it's pretty much inevitable that one of these outbursts will end things either for you or him. You can only go through it so many times before it's just too much, and honestly, when I can see the end like that, it feels better to just be done with it now and start moving on.

[msc545]

Being around a person with the kind of untreated mood swings that you have described is very dangerous and likely to become more dangerous over time. He needs a psychiatric evaluation and possibly treatment. Stay away from him until he gets better if he ever does.

[Asker]

Yes, he’s a very scary person sometimes. But do you think he’s really broken up with me or he’s just having another one of his moments?

[msc545]

I really don't know, but if you are very lucky he has broken up with you.

How many times has he hit you or threatened to?

[Asker]

Actually hit me? Twice. Threatened to? Too many times to remember. He sent me an angry selfie with the caption “I’ll f*cking beat you” and then the next night was when he was calling me wifey and saying he missed me and wanted me to fly out and be with him. Honestly, his temper and mood swings have improved over the last few months. It used to be that he would flip back-and-forth multiple times in a span of maybe 30 minutes.

[msc545]

Ok, this is a *really bad and dangerous situation*. Do you have anyone you can speak to about all of this? What country do you live in?

[quaranta]

That is really beyond insane, I hope you read yourself while asking us about how to not lose him... Please talk about this with relatives, friends, family members and let them help you find therapy for yourself and supporting you. You're not aware of where you are going I guess...
If you are skeptical about therapy you should at least contact associations for women who typically receive cases like yours, they're usually led by volountaries and will listen to your story, which by now they have heard already many times and know what is going on. They are prepared for anything, have contacts with anyone useful and know the bureaucracy if you want to take legal actions. Or, they will just give you emotional support and help you to break up, slowly. You can find them on Facebook and generally on internet, totally free and available to listen, that is what they exist for.

[Asker]

I’m in the US. People know that he’s hit me. One of his old friends from high school (they no longer socialize) saw a bruise on my jaw that I didn’t even think was that noticeable. And he immediately knew that my boyfriend had probably done it. That friend used to come frequently into the place where I was working just to check on me.

[quaranta]

Also, don't get the illusion he will improve significantly. His problem is very rooted, people can't change the root of their personality and perception in like, a couple of years. It would take maybe 10 years of therapy together with his active willpower to get -minor- improvements that are actually relevant... It's just how the brain works, it's physically not possible otherwise.

[msc545]

I'm a Clinical Psychologist but I am not giving professional advice or treatment here or on this site. However, if you would like to DM me with the name of your town or city and state I will try to find you some help.

[msc545]

Just read your update. I hope he doesn't kill or badly injure you. Please get some help.

[SnowedIn]

I don't think he needs time to calm down.

I think you need a new boyfriend.

Yours is not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

You're part therapist and part emotional support animal.

Get out of that relationship as fast as you can for you own health.

[SnowedIn]

Regarding your update: end it with him. Block him and ghost him.

[WaterIsland]

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. His actions are uncalled for and unacceptable.


Someone who truly loves you, shouldn’t be putting you in the situation of having your anxiety be through the roof because of something they did.


I know breakups are hard. But you might have to consider that at this point. Otherwise accept that this is who he is, and there is absolutely nothing you can do here.

[spartan55]

Bottom line: if you stay with that guy he will eventually kill you. Not an exaggeration.

[boggboss]

Nobody can give you advice on your toxic relationship or if he will leave or not

[Asker]

That’s the whole point of this website is to ask questions and get opinions. I’m trying to get opinions from guys so I can try to understand what’s going on.

[boggboss]

But what's going on is you are with a guy that lacks basic emotional control with makes it random as to what he will do or want long term its near impossible working out what someone like him will want or do because it's driven by in the moment

[boggboss]

Like it seems u like the basic care for your own wellbeing or basic self respect thats why the other user is hoping he ends it as this is easly a situation where one day he could end up killing you