Is it over if he says he need some alone time to think?

[Anonymous]

I was starting to get to know someone romantically. I loved his personality and it seemed to fit well. But his communication style when he wanna know something he’s uncertain/insecure about didn’t make me feel great.. it came off strong and not empathetic. So I told him how I wanted someone who will acknowledge where I’m also coming from and be empathetic. He pretty much apologize and explained how we had a misunderstanding over texts. He also said he definitely has to work on his communication to not be so blunt. But he also understand if I no longer wanna continue. I thanked him for his honesty and how it’s great he’s honest with me. I shared how if he’s able to show me he will work on his communication approach to be a little gentle and empathetic, then I’ll feel secure and reassured to continue. I also mentioned if it’s not what he wanna do, I’ll respect and understand it. All he told me is that he will need some alone time to think about it. I haven’t heard from him in a day, not sure if that’s normal or he’s just not interested in continuing because he doesn’t wanna work on it?

[Account]

My first thought is that he wants to check what is available on the market and if nothing else works for him or if he sees that he cannot pull anything better, he will return back to you.

Although that is what I have observed from people nowadays, take my opinion with a grain of salt.
My intuition rarely fails, but there could always be a tiny possibility that I might be wrong.

[Justneedtokno]

Not always sometimes you could be needing a moment to think sometimes he really is confused sometimes trying to get himself together sometimes we honestly just don’t know watch what he does look at his actions meaning and go from there announce it and wait for him to come back and figure it out do it you must dodon’t rack your brain about it before you wit somebody you are an individual

[Asker]

🩷🩷🩷

[Jay-_-]

Look overall for most true men no it doesn't mean "it's over" but in your case it's possible because if he hasn't spoken to you for a day he's either fighting internal battles or he doesn't care for you as much as he should, it's my opinion at the end of the day I could be 100% wrong

[Asker]

Thanks for your honesty, he actually messaged me tonight he’s still open to continue with me. But I’m just a tad worried if he’s genuinely okay to be more gentle in his communication…

[Jay-_-]

Good to know, he was fighting internal battles then 😂

[Jay-_-]

If he loves you enough he will, I'm sure of it.

[Asker]

What would his internal battles consist of? Lol

[Asker]

Lol well we just started getting to know each other, we aren’t official.

[Jay-_-]

Ooooooo😧

[Jay-_-]

Not me giving marriage advice to people on the talking stage 🤦🏽😂😂

[Asker]

😂😂😂

[Asker]

It’s okay, your marriage advices was still helpful!😂 but um what do you think his internal battle was about in the talking stage?

[Jay-_-]

Maybe he has social issues which is understandable and he doesn't know how to communicate his feelings as much as he would want to, yk?

[Jay-_-]

Or he was going through something in his life which revolves back "internal battles" and also not being able to communicate about his feelings or what is going on

[Jay-_-]

These are all just possibilities that I'm throwing into the wind 🌬️

[Asker]

True, it’s too early to find out what those may be since we don’t know each other well yet… thank you for the great insights and what I can consider. I do know couple hours ago I sent a message expressing my gratitude for being understanding and how I’ll feel more comfortable to move forward with his will try to be a bit more gentle. I also added how I just hope he’s genuinely okay with it. Because if he’s not, it’s okay, I want him to be happy and I also wanna be happy. I asked what else can I do for him. But there’s no response…. I know he has been on social media and this was sent to his DM lol. But he hasn’t opened nor reply. I know it’s not normal… so I don’t know if he genuinely is okay to try.

[Asker]

I also wanna add that he told me his responses may become shorter as he worked on it due to watching on what he says… he’s usually more direct type of person.. so I tried to reassured him I like his personality and don’t want it to change, but I just hope he can be gentle about serious or sensitive topics. He said it makes sense. But never responded to my last message that I shared with you. It feels odd like as if he’s not happy….

[Jay-_-]

I wasn't gonna say it but your last message is leaning me more towards "he doesn't sound interested" I haven't seen your messages or his but if you are quoting his words he sounds effortless maybe not wanting to form a connection, again just my opinion but it sounds valid.

[Asker]

When he said his messages would become shorter? Yeah I felt the same way, which was why I was trying to be direct and open if he don’t wanna do this, we don’t need to… but he hasn’t denied it….

[Asker]

So you think he’s just bluffing saying it will be shorter messages because he has to watch what he says?

[Jay-_-]

I think he's attention seeking in a way wants to see effort but doesn't want to put any in, wants commitment but doesn't want to commit, lord forgive my language but it's giving me "fuck boy" energy no offense to the guy he might be a cool dude. 🤷🏽

[Asker]

😂😂😂 dammit 🙄

[Jay-_-]

Sorry 😭😂

[Asker]

Sighs it suxjs but I guess I should end it huh? Since he said it’s gonna be shorter to “watch what he says” and claimed his only concern is our distance being different states. But he also hasn’t open my message nor reply… so it’s lie and low effort?

[Asker]

I don't know it’s giving me anxiety now if I wanna move forward. Liking someone but don’t wanna step back but feel like I have to maybe step back

[Jay-_-]

Could just be low effort mixed with doesn't want to commit, mostly when it comes to a long distance relationship you have to be able to communicate it's more than 90% of a long distance relationship I'd say that's a no go in my book

[Jay-_-]

Me personally, I would never do a long distance relationship again

[Asker]

Communication is always a requirement generally, but I agreed with LDR communication is even bigger for top priority… 😮‍💨 this really sucks… I feel discouraged despite his words is saying he will work on it

[Asker]

I understand that’s many people. I’m optimistic if it’s a good person with effort.

[Jay-_-]

I understand your point on that, wait he said he'll work on it, lemme get his side of the story

[Jay-_-]

Is he texting a lot more then you're making it sound, cause what I'm hearing is he's sending you 7 word sentences 😂

[Asker]

This is his exact wordings: “Yeah, I can work on it but I got a feeling that my replies might be shorter. Just saying”

I asked what he means, then, he said “It’s about me watching what I say”

I tried to reassured him I didn’t want him to change as a person because I like his personality, but to be more gentle during sensitive/serious talks and if it makes sense. He only said it does make sense. Then I messaged again expressing gratitude and feeling comfortable to move forward. I also mentioned hoping he’s genuinely okay to do this, it’s okay if he’s not because I want him to be happy and I also wanna be happy. I asked if there’s anything I can do. He never opened my DM, but I know he was online…

[Asker]

And usually he would at least say goodnight…. And still talks to me if he was online.

[Jay-_-]

Sounds like he's not willing to truly do a long distance

[Asker]

What makes you say that?

[Asker]

Well he told me he’s not so sure about distance. And I told him prior I felt the same, but it is on early stages.. so I was okay with it and he agreed previously.

[Jay-_-]

A person truly "WILLING" to start a long distance relationship wouldn't be effortless, they would be initiating conversation, showing interest, also would joke around with you etc

[Jay-_-]

Oh well then no one is in the wrong it's already been settled 😂

[Asker]

Yeah we were like that up until this prob I spoked about his communication style… I also attempted to end it but like my prompt said at the above, he said we were having misunderstandings through texts. So it was when I told him I want someone who can be more empathetic and gentle. This is where this all begin where I’m abit confuse now.

[Asker]

Yeah. But I’m just confuse about currently with his msgs… you don’t think he’s being honest about wanting to worked on it? And he’s now giving me low effort?

[Jay-_-]

To me it sounds like it was over before it began, meaning if it was already settled that he's questioning long distance I'm not surprised if he's putting low effort, he probably is working on his communication but overtime in his lifetime. (Not at the moment, "right here right now.")

[Asker]

We both agreed that we weren’t sure about long distance and we are okay so far because it’s still early stage of talking. Personally I don’t mind but I don’t really know him to invest that much just yet. Um but given what’s current with the recent messages exchanged and now knowing the whole story, does his current messages implied low effort/insincerity? :/ do I end it or just wait tomorrow?

[Jay-_-]

I think he doesn't want a relationship maybe he's just flirtatious OOORRRRR like you said it's still an early stage of talking I don't think either of you should be planning a long distance I don't think it's valid to say end something if nothing has begun

[Jay-_-]

If it's still early stage don't give him the treatment of a boyfriend, does he flirt with you?

[Asker]

He actually randomly told me I thinkkk a day before I brought up the problem I have that he’s looking for a wife… and have kids… he feel like having a wife will give him more motivation in his life… i asked why not now on his own? I didn’t asked much… I was going to but then I was having an issue with his communication and brought it up instead… I just know when we started talking, he wants a relationship but low key hesitant due to financial stability. I tried to reassured him I was fine with it as long as he’s being the hardworking guy he already is and keep on going. I was trying to be supportive of his goals & current situation.

[Asker]

Yeah he normally flirt with me lol. We talked a lot typically and joked a lot. I love his personality, he makes me laugh a lot and I feel like we can be weird together. But then it’s just this communication thing I had a problem with when something serious / uncertainty / sensitive comes up, I didn’t like he seemed to be like very strong in his approach.. or it seemed passive aggressive to me. It’s why I attempted on ending, but he said it was misunderstandings on texts. So I agreed.

[Jay-_-]

Understood

[Asker]

Thank you for taking the time to listen and help me throughout this problem! I appreciate your advice, I agreed I shouldn’t give him the boyfriend treatment… I think currently I’m just confuse if he’s guessing about wanting to try and change his communication to be better..

[Asker]

Genuinely *

[Asker]

Another thing that made me iffy was.. I would be flirty and playful about hugs, but I think he’s the first guy who doesn’t really reciprocate it.. so I started asking for it.. but the same day (yesterday) when I brought up the problem I had… he also told me how he doesn’t like it when people asked for hugs… he feels forced instead of just surprising me with the hugs… I agreed and understood it, but now I also feel weird that I can’t even ask for affections? I’m just not gonna bother with affections for him unless he tries… but it feels awk thinking about it because I get affectionate the more I like someone…

[Jay-_-]

Ofc🫶🏼, remember dont leap forward unless he's ready to catch you, this advice goes for several situations

[Asker]

You’re right, thanks for being amazing and the best 😭🫶🏻 a girl would be really lucky to have someone who’s as kind and patient as you.

[Jay-_-]

Awww tyvm, that means a lot, if it's in God's will, one day 🥹😂😂

[Jay-_-]

You're sweet someone will be blessed with you one day as well ❤️‍🩹 take care 🙏🏼

[Asker]

I’m sure it will be in god’s will and plan :)

[Asker]

Aww thank you, very sweet of you 😭❤️

Well he normally asked me at night what time I have to wake up and he will message me that time, but he never open my message nor message me this morning. I think he’s ghosting or fading me out… I guess if he replies super late today or tomorrow, I just won’t response because it’s already weird and bad vibes…

[236color]

Yes it's probably over. People have a hard time saying, "I don't want you anymore", so they tend to come up with noncommittal stuff like this to try to spare your feelings, which doesn't really work.

[SotiCoto]

It is just a day. "Alone Time" means at least a month.

[Asker]

😂 yes true

[DishLady]

Sometimes when you ask a guy to work on something that pops him out of his normal way of doing things it’s the kiss of death for the bourgeoning relationship. in my opinion if he leaves over that, you’ve dodged a bullet.

[DreamCrescent]

exactly

[Asker]

Perhaps. Well he finally responded saying he’s open to still talk and get to know each other. He said the only thing he’s not sure is about our distance. He didn’t mentioned about working on himself….

[DishLady]

Of course…

[Asker]

Not sure what to say except ask if he also wanna be more gentle with communication… because I can’t see myself continuing w/o it

[IslaTheWitch]

the best way is to ask him.. we can only guesstimate...

but I know what you mean... my communication is open and honest but also pretty much blunt...

[Asker]

Thank you, I did and agreed. However, the problems I had was his “blunt”‘ness came off on text as passive aggressive, rude, or insensitive whenever he is uncertain/ insecure / or I bring something up I’m not feeling comfortable/unhappy about.. examples of his dialogues:

“Are you talking to other guys? Do you enjoy talking to them like you talk to me? __(race) or (race)__?” And then he stops sending me hearts on my social media stories/posts after this talk.

“Your ex is all over your Facebook and Instagram” he added more that came off rude to me. In my defense, he wouldn't share what pic and I finally found it… 2018 pics that was so long ago I couldn’t recall. I think he could’ve said better, “I noticed your ex pics are still on your social media, do you still like him or involved with him?” But he refused to talk more into it.

“Am I being gas lit right now?” When I bring up my last concerns and he would put laughing reactions to them. It’s when I was attempting to end it before he tried to amend things and now he’s just not opening/responding to me after he finally confirmed last night he will try to work on his communication to be more gentle yet his responses will be shorter that he feels he must watch what he said… I told him I like his personality, but only with sensitive/serious talks to be more gentle🙄

[IslaTheWitch]

it's hard to admit that we are doing something wrong... the fact is he won't solve it alone... this bluntness has a reason... would be great if he asked a specialist for help

and for you... I would rethink your relationship... how long would it take before you will be too tired to care about anything?

[Asker]

I understand bluntness is usually there to come off strong, be heard, autonomy, and such… but I told him that his approach about it isn’t my thing because I like having “open discussion” I am direct but I like having more of a discussion than I am gonna snap at someone type of bluntness and make it okay just because someone is being “blunt” plus, I haven’t even done anything wrong. We aren’t in an official relationship. We are at the early stage of talking to get to know each other and not exclusive. So it’s just weird and not really kind nor justified for.

Yeah, I know I can easily walk away. Which I tried two nights ago when I brought it up, but he was trying to make amends and so I stayed to find out if he can try to be better at communicating.

Speak of the devil, he just reply but he didn’t confirm anything I asked. He only asked how was my sleep. Lol… I don't know I’ll just respond to it later because it’s making me feel he’s not really that sincere, I don't know.

[Asker]

Sorry what made you suggest for me to rethink it?

[IslaTheWitch]

again... he won't make it alone... so if you two don't think about counseling it won't work

[Asker]

We aren’t in a relationship to start counseling lol. We just started talking….

[IslaTheWitch]

so I just try to explain... he does it because it's his defense mechanism... you want him to change... he won't do it alone... at least not in real time... changes in our behavior are the hardest to perform... it takes months and years with psychological help and solving the reasons. If you want him to do it alone... it will take much longer, if he succeeds at all..

[Asker]

Absolutely agreed and I know change takes time. I appreciate the suggestion, but again we just started talking… it will feel odd to suggest therapy together and when we aren’t an official couple.

[MzAsh]

He wants someone who’s going to let him get away with being the asshole. Better off without him.

[ProbablyClueless]

That probably does NOT mean that it's over, no.

[thisAppIsGarbage]

Oh fuck yeah. He don't want to think he just wants some fucking peace which not only don't you provide, you rob him of it.

[Forcedtochoosegender]

The short answer is no unless you have some weird behaviours of his showing off

Which gives red flag vibes

[Asker]

Showing off?

[Forcedtochoosegender]

First he is in a bad mood to the point can't explain to you and sometimes trying to make him happy and forget sadness or feeling off he just rather be weirdly offended or show uninterested faces toward your jokes or nice behaviour to fix his situation

He also doesn't communicate much and it has been like that for almost a month this is a red flag , don't overreact this part he may be communicative but not much but to the point he weirdly is dry that you can feel it and it doesn't get better by the next week to the coming days after the week it's a sure sign something is wrong because lovers can't just live that much without missing you or communicating with you if only they view you as just a friend in their life like being dry and finding someone who could replace you in their interest this is example of how you suddenly became just a friend to them

If he also doesn't seem to want to fix this problem or solve it out then this guy is mostly giving out "this will not work I want to break up" indicators because he just doesn't want to try and beside that your emotions may became worse ofc due to the lack of intimacy care and attention you get and if he just drops all of that oh that's another red flag he should care for someone he choose to live with in one home , like even neighbours care for each other

Beware of his life style if he goes outside a lot and is suddenly uninterested if it's like someone have been living in his mind
The way he was raised and the environment and personality could also tell how he is thinking right now some guys in bad environment with bad raise of the parents they just hand out with every girl they find attractive and be good at flirting cuz they were already practicing it on other girls and having the menace life style that taught them to be this way it makes it hard to have someone of those guys and keep him interested only toward you (I saw that in real life a lot)

[Forcedtochoosegender]

I gave too much info to the point I'm confused what did I say and what I didn't

[Emanon25]

Most likely yes

[Asker]

If so, why can’t he just end it than saying he needs time to think?

[DreamCrescent]

easy. because as you said, he lacks healthy communication ability

he’s being evasive. first he opened the floor for you to end it so he wouldn’t have to. you put the ball back in his court, now he needs to think. he won’t come out and say it. he’ll either let it fizzle and you get the message or you two will get back together and it’s as if you never asked him to work on his communication. he’ll be back at ground zero or maybe even a little distant and noncommittal

[Asker]

If you’re right, well, guess I dodge a bullet😤😂

[Emanon25]

He doesn’t want to make you feel bad.

[Asker]

Hmm does he just not wanna work on his communication skills?

[Danny_dan92]

Not necessarily

[HurremSultan]

It looks like it

[Anonymous]

No it’s not