Is his urge to be alone once in a while red flag?

[Anonymous]

9 months dating, and every now and then he goes to his apartment in his home town to be alone. Sometimes he asks me to tag along but mostly he'd want to go alone.

Makes me feel unstable with him because I wouldn't be happy having a family with a man that would occasionally leave when he needs to have alone nights unless it's going away for a good reason.

Am I right or wrong?

[KarinMcDonald]

My opinion is that everybody needs time to be alone with themselves. I love it when my husband goes out of town for a few days, just so I can do whatever I want. He also appreciates it when I give him some time alone. We go out together, but sometimes I go out to a club without him. (just to dance you know) And sometimes he goes on motorcycle trips with his brothers (without me)

[Asker]

But does he discuss that with you, as in when it's good time for that or he just says I am going and see you in 4 days?

I am down for whatever if we discuss it and agree. But I mind if someone just wakes up saying see you in a few days.

[KarinMcDonald]

We never leave each other like that on the spur of the moment. Time away from each other is usually put on a calandar so we know. But this is different from when I just go out to the clubs without him.

[whereismyjohnny]

I don't see it as a red flag. Some people need a little alone time in order to recharge.

[Asker]

Okay, but how to feel safe enough to, for example, move in with him etc knowing he might just disappear once in a while, regardless my plans, things to do etc. Short term I find it fine, but thinking long term it's not the safest area for me.

[whereismyjohnny]

For how long he disappears?

I don't see the issue with this, but again, that's just me. We all are different, some of us need time alone to decompress and recharge our mental and social batteries, and some recharge by being around people. If you don't fall under the first kind, you might have difficulty understanding his need for alone time.

As for your concern about the future, it will be different if you get to the point of moving in together or starting a family. You could always compromise. You could agree on him having every other weekend for himself for example. Or he simply could have a couple of hours for himself daily instead of going away. There are many options, and you could compromise on what works best for you two.

Have you talked to him about this?

[spartan55]

What's a 'good reason' to you? How do you know he wouldn't stop doing that one got married?

[Asker]

A good reason would be to have some family things to do, family activities, or some things to take care of there.
He says he has all that but ends up sitting in town doing none of that, every time.

I don't know, but I know he is not making me feel safe enough to think about marriage if he needs to unwind alone every now and then.

[spartan55]

How often and how long are these trips?

[spartan55]

I guess you are ignoring the fact that he may not do that once married.

[Asker]

Let's say at least once in 10 days.

But if someone acts that way, what would make him look like a husband material to even consider marriage. I seek stability and consistency, not days off from relationship every once in a while, that is my concern.

[spartan55]

I don't know, I don't really see an issue.

[Anonymous]

Some people just need time to themselves. This is why some guys have mancaves.

[Opinion Owner]

Women do it too. They have the shesheds.

[In_Trance]

no it isn't