How come if I approach a guy in a bar in a friendly matter he always tries to take me home with him?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

like I’ll tell him he’s cute and they seem to think it’s acceptable to press me about going somewhere with them.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, that is the social norm. So, it's you who is out of sync here. Now, flirting is a matter of signs and signals. Right? Like a language. All the looks, and body language, and everything. It's signs and signals. Both people understand flirting is going on... but only because they are speaking that same "language" of signs and signals we call flirting. I'm going to assume that we are all good with all that, we can agree on that flirting is a language of signs and signals mutually understood by both people.

Ok and so, in most cases, you CAN walk up to a guy and tell him that you think he's cute, and not expect him to not start thinking you're telling him you want him inside you tonight. That is a reasonable thing for you, or any woman to expect... in MOST situations. (a guy on the bus, a guy at work, a guy at the mall, a guy in class etc.)

In most situations it would be an inappropriate "misreading" of the signal you send a guy, when you walk up to him and say "you're cute"... if he takes that to mean "I want to sleep with you (let alone "tonight"). It's a signal of attraction on your part, it's a signal of possible interest, it's a fairly overt signal that you find someone attractive. And that's all it is. It can possibly mean you want to fuck that guy right here and now... but nobody is going to take being called "cute" to their face, as meaning anything more than that.

However, there are times when the context of a situation has social rules which change the meaning of a well-known signal. That is what is happening here.

So in a BAR (specifically) the signals have a different meaning. If a woman approaches a man (in a bar specifically), and makes any clear, overt show of definite interest in a guy (like aproaching a guy you don't know and telling him you think he's cute)... then that signal means..."I want you to take me home tonight."

It just does. It's the social norm. It is actually 100% appropriate for that guy to assume that wanting him to take you home is EXACTLY what you mean. Because that is, in fact, what you are very clearly saying (you just aren't intending to say that, and were unaware that's what you were saying. Now you know).

This is established, and universally understood.

Approaching guys is a great thing for you to do. I do not want to in any way discourage you from doing that. I think that's a good thing, for sure.

Just don't do it in bars. Or rather, if you do want to talk to somebody at the bar without them thinking you want them to try taking you home... you need to be way less direct in your approach (and even then... you can't blame the guy if he's still asks you).

It's just..., the nature of Bars. Those are the rules. If a woman overtly approaches a guy at the bar and shows definite interest... she wants him to take her home that night. Bars are not an ideal place to meet guys if you're looking for something meaningful. They're just... not.

(And I do mean like "bars" not something with a dance floor. That's totally different)

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Oh dear! I’ve approached guys in bars and clubs and always felt upset and offended when 95% of the time they ask me to go home with them or hint it. I’ve did it maybe 9 times over the space of two and a half years and two of them didn’t take it further just kept it as a friendly convo and one had a girlfriend the rest tried to take me home. Maybe I should just stop it. I’m not going to meet a serious partner at a bar or club. I have Asperger’s so maybe I was naieve thinking I could go up to a guy and say “you’re cute” and expect him not to want to take me home, sometimes they’d kiss me I kiss back THEN they ask. It’s probably the kissing part too.

[SteveSmith1985]

I think you are 100% right about not looking for a serious partner at a bar or club. In fact, those might be two of the very worst places to look if you're looking for something serious. In fact, if you were to approach a guy at a bar who is ALSO looking for something serious... he's going to assume you probably aren't... because if you were... you wouldn't be approaching him at this bar. He will also try and take you home. (even though he wouldn't dream of it, if you had approached him... basically anywhere else)

Kissing someone you met at the bar... pretty much means I AM COMING HOME WITH YOU tonight. At that point, a guy's going to be calling his roomate to tell him to find somewhere else to sleep because he's bringing home a girl. That is a very clear signal.

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like these guys would have some right to be offended by you declining their offer of casual sex. It's not like it's so clear that you're "leading them on." They'd have no right to EXPECT that you'd go home with them just because you kissed them or called them cute... but you would be totally out-of-line to take offence at the offer. You did send the signals that mean "I want you to take me home tonight".

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't know if Asperger's is even a part of it. You're 22 years old. I can see how it might be something you were unaware of. It's actually a bit of a weird exception. I had never actually thought about it before. I've just spent so many hours in bars (back in the day) that... I donno where or when I learned that. Nor where or when anyone else does. It's not a conscious rule. But it is one that everyone seems to be on the same page about. It IS weird though, when I stop to think about it.

The same is generally true of Clubs. But to a lesser extent depending. At a club, you can dance. So you might conceivably only be interested in a guy for WHILE YOUR THERE. It's less clear that the signal your sending is "I want to go home with you" It's still a "I might go home with you" though... and you can't blame a guy for trying (it's still totally appropriate). And kissing at the club is more like kissing at the bar. He's gonna try.

I think the only mistake you made here, is looking for guys in the wrong place. Bars and clubs DO seem like they'd be a good place... but it's people sorta..."at their worst" they're there to have some temporary fun that night. If you want to be a more permanent fixture, you don't want guys who are thinking about NOTHING aside from having fun tonight. (that's why they're there).

Don't feel badly about not knowing. Just... maybe forgive (in your head) all those guys you've been thinking of as jerks

[Tyrael]

Because you're in a bar, not at a farmers market or something.

People go to bars to drink, and sometimes that might include picking someone up. They don't go to bars for intellectual discussions and the prospect of forming a long term relationship, generally speaking.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Yeah it definitely put me off ever doing it again. It definitely is a bad idea because they are potentially going to be drunk

[NYCQuestions1976]

If you approach a guy and tell him his cute, he's going to think that you're interested in him. Add the fact that you're in a bar and alcohol is likely involved, you can't blame him for asking you if you want to go somewhere else with him after showing interest in him. Now if he gets nasty after you tell him no, then that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

If that’s happening all the time then maybe you should stop telling men they’re cute. Our brain doesn’t operate like yours or other women’s brains. If a girl told me I was cute my first thought would be, assuming she’s cute, that there’s a chance for me to mail her. Besides clubs aren’t where you meet men if you’re looking for an actual relationship. A lot of men are there to plow some tail.

[MrCommodore]

Possibly because you have that sexy glamorous look, with curves etc, and maybe the type of guys you are attracted to assume you want sex as you approached them.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

i just decided to stop doing it honestly. It doesn’t matter too much anyway. I’d rather have a night with my friends and if someone talks to me then it is what it is but it’s terrible that they automatically think it means I want to be sexual with them

[MrCommodore]

I understand your frustration, I'm not sure how you can easily change that though, it depends on the type of guy you usually prefer.

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Maybe it’s better if I don’t approach because they may not understand why I approached them if I don’t want sex some of them have vert one track minds. Maybe I can smile at them and if they come to me I can explain I will chat and dance but I am not interested in a one night stand.

[MrCommodore]

Do you normally approach guys in bars?

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

Yes as I’d like to meet a partner and make friends but they seem to only want sex from me they don’t want to talk or nothing

[MrCommodore]

Ok. I think you need to change your mindset on how to get a good partner, learn how to let guys approach you instead and let them do the chasing.

[codddyyy]

because its the environment bar/club culture is a bout finding somebody to take home for one night stands , its just the culture that has built up around bars and clubs is to find somebody to take home at the end of the night.

if you where to try this at say a café maybe you could get a different response because i know a lot of guys be happy to be approached also the environment is different

[AviatorTom]

You're an attractive woman, and you approach a man in a bar. Traditional societal norm indicates that you might be interested in more than a drink with him.

[RavVid]

Well I would say telling a guy is cute is an expression of sexual interest. I would think I have a chance - most guys would.

[hafinjun]

At that point (I assume they have no chance at that. Point) tell them sure we can go , but I need half before leaving with you and the other 500 before undressing

[Texaskid1]

Did you offer to make any of them a sandwich?

If so, that could be why.

[Alex8736]

possibly people might think your easy but in reality it's the alcohol

[Bekaaaaaaaahhhh]

What would make them think I’m easy? Because I have walked over to them?

[NostalgiaSenpi]

Because bars are usually seen as hookup sites, especially if a woman hits on a man.

[PatriceONeal]

That's called flirting. Have you not been outside before?

[notwoke]

this is why men go to bars. We don't understand why your there if not for this. Enlighted us.

[swettannie]

because that's what to expect in a bar

[Guardian45]

Probably you're using "pick up" bars

[Anonymous]

That's pretty much how it works in a bar.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Cause your gorgeous with a hot body

[Anonymous]

What exactly is your goal when you do that?

[dinojames22]

Because that's what society expects at bars.

[Anonymous]

ANOTHER ATTENTION SEEKING STUFF.