Is it true that if a guy truly wanted you badly enough he would approach you?

[Anonymous]

I hear of my other friends getting chatted up by guys. I literally never get that. All I ever had in the past when a guy is attracted to me is... they give me "the look" or they repeatedly glance at me and not smile at all. They never ever approach me. They always expect me to make the first move. I promise you I'm not soo drop dead gorgeous that they're too intimidated. I'm just a cute average girl. some people call me beautiful while others think im not. Maybe they're attracted to me but not badly enough to approach me?

[abc3643]

I think the answer to this is "Yes" and that's because I am speaking from experience 33 years ago this week.

On Friday, 10 AUG 1990, I __really__ met this beautiful blonde who was just an acquaintance - we had a mutual friend. Anyway, that Friday afternoon at our college, I was sitting in our college's student union building and almost no one else was there - it was summer and most kids who stay over the summer are either grad students like me or kids working locally not bothering to go home. I was 27 and she was 22.
So, this girl approached me and we just sat and talked as I was teaching her about the classes she was going to take this coming fall semester that was starting in 19 days. Now, this girl was beautiful and I just assumed she had a boyfriend and was a bitch because she could be. But, that hour or so that I spent with her just talking and learning about her, I became fantastically enamored of her. Really, smitten - it was like Cupid's arrow went deep into me. I realized she was actually very nice and classy and we had a shitload in common. She did tell me that day that she had to go to work as a waitress but then was heading to her parents' home an hour south for the weekend.

I was something of a "shy guy", I guess kids would say now. I was not assertive with women and part of the reason why is our college was a STEM sausage party and I had been attending for 9 years.

But, after that conversation with that girl, for the first time since 1971, I became assertive in wanting to know more. Over the next week, I tried to find out if she was available. I came up with a cool plan to take her out to dinner so I went to her restaurant the next Friday night, but she wasn't on that night. However, the waitress there did tell me she'd be working tomorrow afternoon.

This is all a great story and I don't want to relive the details right now. Every year from 10 AUG to 03 SEP, I have something of a rough time. I wanted to marry this girl and I lost her. The last time I ever saw her was 30 years ago on 23 AUG (and our "anniversary" when we became a couple was 22 AUG). So, this is very personal and a bit traumatic for me. Like a personal 9/11.

But, to answer your question as you can see from what I wrote... If a man is that smitten with a woman, he will pursue her if he knows he can. (I had to find out if I could first... I was shocked when I found out she was available and hadn't had a boyfriend in about 1.5 years.)

[abc3643]

Many guys will be "shy" - they need to know if you are available first. If guys KNOW you are available, you will likely get more attention.

[Asker]

@abc3643

guys don't tend to care if a girl is available. when they see a girl they like a lot, they will talk to her regardless if she is single or married. I have seen married women get hit on. But for me, I never get hit on. Guys always expect me to make the first move. Maybe I'm just not desirable enough.

[abc3643]

I said what I said because what I said is true. You are only seeing certain guys - very confident guys - the kind of guys who just want to get laid.
The good guys who'd be good husbands and fathers are the ones who respect women more and aren't necessarily all that aggressive.

[abc3643]

My ex-girlfriend is a good example of this. She was (and still is) a real beauty. Yet, she didn't have a boyfriend when I met her and hadn't had one for 1.5 years. Why? Because the school we went to wasn't filled with aggressive jock asshole types - the kind of guys you are seeing a lot of.

[Asker]

@abc3643

not necessarily true. I'm sure there are a lot of confident guys that aren't players either. Not all confident guys are just trying to get laid.

[Asker]

there are many reasons why she never had a boyfriend. maybe she was too picky? maybe she just didn't find one that she liked?

[abc3643]

No, it was simply the nature of our environment.
We went to a prominent STEM school in upstate NY.
Most guys at our college (and the ratio was about 9 guys to every 2 girls) were nerds so they were not very experienced with women. Besides, her being such a beauty, she likely suffered from Beautiful Girl Syndrome Type 2.

[abc3643]

Let me explain...

===========

If you Google "Beautiful Girl Syndrome", that's basically saying that beautiful girls can be bitchier and high maintenance because guys are willing to put up with more because she is so beautiful. Guys won't put up with so much shit and work if the girl isn't so attractive.

"Beautiful Girl Syndrome Type 2" is a phrase I coined, but it's a real thing I discovered not quite 40 years ago. This will take some time to explain...

All guys need to feel that they can "win". They view things as something like a competition in which there is some goal that they want to achieve. If a guy wants something and he believes that there is SOME possibility that he may get it, he will get emotionally involved. If he begins to believe that he won't get that, then he begins to withdraw and get emotionally detached. However, sometimes a guy doesn't even think he has a chance, so he doesn't bother...

(more)

[abc3643]

And this is where "Beautiful Girl Syndrome Type 2" comes in. If a girl is really beautiful, a regular guy thinks:
1. There are a zillion other guys who want her.
2. She almost certainly already has a boyfriend.
3. There is no way she'd be attracted to me; I am not anything special.
4. If she did date me, she'd dump me for some better-looking guy who will hit on her and there definitely will be such a guy.
5. She's going to be bitchy and high-maintenance. (In other words, he thinks she suffers from normal Beautiful Girl Syndrome.)

So, he basically thinks that
1) he doesn't have a chance to get her,
2) if he did, he'll lose her, and
3) she's going to be a lot of work.

Because oceans of guys think like this - the only exception being the hunky guys - the beautiful girl either can't find a guy or goes with dickhead hunky guys (who suffer from Beautiful Guy Syndrome). Of course, the regular guys see the beauties with the hunky guys and that just reinforces their belief that they don't have a chance...

Oh, and one more thing: Since beautiful girls can get guys, they are getting laid... So, any new boyfriend has to "compete" against all of her past lovers and many guys don't think they are going to "measure up" (if you know what I mean) compared to those past hunky guys.

So, a beautiful girl needs to be proactive and hit on men instead of waiting for them to hit on her. A beautiful girl being proactive removes doubts males have regarding Beautiful Girl Syndrome Type 2.

[Asker]

this is what i look like

Rate me from 1 to 10? ↗

[abc3643]

========

My ex-GF almost certainly suffered from that. After all, I didn't originally approach her either because I believed all the stuff I wrote above.

It was once I realized that she was special and that my prejudices about bitchiness and shallowness didn't apply, that I then became interested... In her case, VERY interested. So, I then I had to determine if she was available. I recognized I was in love with her after I dropped her off at her place in the we hours (like 2 AM) of T 21 AUG 1990. We'd become a couple the evening of W 22 AUG 1990. By the first weekend in October, I knew that I wanted to marry her.

[Asker]

i think you're too obsessed.

[abc3643]

I am broken-hearted... since before you were born.
When you reach my age and have lived a few decades on this planet and learned more about human nature, THEN I will honor your opinion on my "obsession".

The fact that you don't understand that is a problem for you. You have a lot of growing up to do still. That will come with time.

[Asker]

you just chose not to move on. We, humans, can move on from anything if we tried hard enough. Time heals everything... but it won't heal people who are obsessed and don't want to forget or move forward.

[Asker]

older doesn't always mean wiser.

[abc3643]

1. You need to improve your EQ.
2. Time doesn't heal everything. You will learn that one day.
3. I did move on. I am married to someone else for 22 years.

[Asker]

@abc3643

you may have signed the marriage certificate but it doesn't mean you're mentally married.

you might've just wanted a free maid , free sex and a free warm body for 22 years. It doesn't mean she's truly your wife.

[Asker]

[2. Time doesn't heal everything. You will learn that one day.]

I have been traumatized and broken a million times before... I know for a fact time heals everything... it might never 100% fully heal but you DO HEAL.

[Asker]

You can't heal from something that you are obsessed with. In order to heal, you must be ready to forget and let go. Clearly you haven't done that.

[Sugar100]

So I have similar issue. Some girls get approached by many guys all the time and I don’t. At job men stare at me and that’s it.

One crush I have he is shy dont really have many friends or walking with firends at job like everyone else is doing all day.
I have to approach him first as we don’t work in the same area.
However I don’t plan approach him for the 2nd 3rd 4th time. I just want make the first move to show my interest.
I’m shy too but i feel men shud pursue women first or else it’ll mean he don’t like you?
But same time I don’t think crush is assertive he don’t approach people.

My ex boyfriend wen we met many years ago, at job he wasn’t shy , he talked a lot had friends social. So he easily made the first move for me.

But I guess crush isn’t different guy and I need make first move or else I’ll never have a boyfriend by doing nothing all year dreaming of men chasing me everyday. It won’t happen.

[Asker]

@Sugar100

here's how you and i are different.

I would rather go out with a guy who seems me as worthy enough of being approached than some guy who doesn't think im worth taking a risk approaching

Because truth is... if he wanted you badly enough, he would approach you.

Im not desperate for a relationship. I dont need a relationship. I only go out with guys who want me the most

[Sugar100]

So I’m stupid for approaching crush then 😔

[Asker]

@Sugar100

well its different if he's your crush. if its some random guy that i don't care about, then there's no point in me approaching him.

[Sugar100]

It don’t make sense tho y would u approach a random guy? I thought u meant approach a guy u like?

[Asker]

@Sugar100

re-read the question. it has nothing to do with a guy i like,

[serious]

Yes that is true. However, it is possible if the guy is shy then he won't approach or guys will hesitate to approach if they don't see any positive signs of you wanting to be approached.

[Adaeva]

NO! Of course not. He may believe you are out of his league.

[spartan55]

You aren't showing any interest towards them. You are just showing up and expecting the guy to do everything. Guys are done with that shit.

[Asker]

why do i have to show interest? plenty of girls get hit on without ever showing them any interest.

[spartan55]

Yeah from desperate simp guys. Guys who have self worth need to know there is interest.
Would you pursue a guy if you weren't sure he was interested? No? Yet you are expecting a guy to pursue you and all you have to do is show up? Na, don't think so.

[Asker]

Why can't i get a desperate simp hit on me? Am i that ugly?

[spartan55]

Why won't you let a guy know you are interested?

[Asker]

Because i dont want someone who doesn't think im worthy enough of approaching.

[spartan55]

So you don't show interest towards anyone? What about the ones that are worthy? (whatever that means) That's the dunbest thing I've heard today.

[spartan55]

You need to change your attitude or you will be alone a while.

[Asker]

I'm not desperate for a relationship. I only want to date guys who think im worthy of approaching. i don't want to be someone that a guy is settling for just cuz he can't get a hotter girl.

[Asker]

@spartan55

[spartan55]

Ridiculous, I don't know where you got these ideas. If you don't show interest the right guy isn't going to just fall in your lap. But do it your way.

[Throwawaynowknow]

Not necessarily. Majority of guys your age has this fear with girls they are very attracted to. Probably 2/3s to 1/2 will muster up the courage to initiate but there are some who will never do so.

[DerekC321]

It really depends on the guy. They could be very attracted to you but may not approach you because they're nervous they'll screw it up.

[Anonymous]

It depends. I was so shy I couldn't talk to this one girl, but eventually my desire caused me to act. Unfortunately it was too late.

[SClassWizzard]

Yes, but its always best and easier if the woman makes the approach

[Anonymous]

Nah. I'm done with that. We have equality now. So she can ask me. 👍 Or she can choose not to and some other woman will ask me instead.

[Anonymous]

You can't speak for every guy on this

[OddBeMe]

Nope.

[In_Trance]

not necessarily