Why do I like possessive men?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I should admit, I like when a man tells me what he dislikes me to do,

I like to be told what not to do and before then I like to break rules and act all spoiled and silly. Of course, I understand that’s not very mature.

But to my defense I think him not being possessive translates in my mind as not interested and him being possessive is a sign of him really be interested in me.

After I see that possessiveness, I get back to my normal, not-annoying self.

Why am I so weird?

Updates

8 mo

And I get a bit hurt and disappointed if I push the limits and he’s not acting that possessive.

I don’t mean to play mind games. It just comes naturally.

[dynamicyandere]

It’s just how you’re wired.



You like a guy that knows what he wants, that has standards, that has a spine, that has boundaries, and doesn’t tolerate rude behavior.


That’s perfectly understandable.


Because the opposite of that would be a wishy-washy guy that is too agreeable and always compromises to please you and lets you (and perhaps other people too) walk all over him.


You like confident, assertive men, who are strong with how they handle everything in their lives.


And that possessiveness, to you, helps you feel like they care. Because if they didn’t care about you or the relationship, they wouldn’t care what you did, you could just come and go and they wouldn’t give a damn.


That doesn’t make you feel loved.


You want them to want you, and you want to feel that—yet you also want them to be strong.


There’s nothing wrong with you. I’d just be sure that whatever possessive guy you’re attracted to also has good character, to keep that possessiveness in check.


Because, there’s like protective and caring possessiveness.


And there’s toxic, dysfunctional, insecure possessiveness.


With great power, comes great responsibility.


So if you enjoy a guy taking the lead in the relationship, just make sure he’s guided by solid morals and principles.


Just my 2 cents.


I hope that helps! 🙂

[dynamicyandere]

You pushing the boundaries is also known as a phenomenon called, “sh*t testing”.

It can happen intentionally or subconsciously.

In your case, it sounds like it’s subconscious. (Which is better in my opinion, as nobody enjoys being sh*t tested—unless they are a ‘brat tamer’ or something.)

Anyway, you push to boundaries to test their strength.

It helps remind you of who they are, how strong they are.

Because if they are strong, it makes you feel like your relationship is strong and won’t fall apart.

If they are your rock, you want that rock to feel solid.

It brings a sense of stability to you, because you know they won’t waver, no matter how much you push them or how much other people push them or how life pushes them. They are solid.

Then if they are solid AND possessive of you, it makes you feel secure in the relationship, like they are holding you and will never let go.

And that comforts you.

[molonski2]

I have pretty much my entire life been told off for being too dominant , yet I really don't think I am , I just offer good logical advice , I always explain why and I do know what I'm talking about , despite the fact that my sisters are probably too dominant too , but just as an example , driving in Thailand is incredibly dangerous and my girlfriend ( like most Thais ) drives far too aggressively , changes lanes too much , 2 foot automatic , zero defensive driving , we do not drive this way in Australia , you are taught to be defensive , Thailand's road toll speaks for itself , they believe in fatalistic , which is bullshit -- So I would constantly tell her how to drive , she would listen to some degree but I also am well aware of what happened when I was not in the car , this stuff is life/ death , its important , but I know its something she will not forget so some safety will be added.

I think many who are dominant like me , the person on the other side deliberately plays up , just as I would , but I'd also know that all my intentions were clearly positive , on so many levels.

[MrOracle]

My girl is from the Philippians, where the driving is just as bad. Fortunately, she knows this is true, and knows she's not a great driver, so she only drives when she absolutely must - which means I do 100% of the driving when we're together.

[molonski2]

@MrOracle Sadly my circumstance was opposite , I rarely got to drive the car , and you understand what I mean? Its like a video game here ( one of the worst road tolls in the world ) , yet they all think they are so highly skilled that it doesn't matter.
I tried to explain to her " Baby , there is no such thing as an " accident " , there are miscalculations that's it " , but of course I may as well tell that to a rock.
I think Phillipines women , speaking purely generally , and without the language barrier are much easier to deal with , I started with Phills women , perhaps I should have stayed with ! 555555

In Australia , there is much more driver training , and many more rules , particularly around alcohol and speed , you are taught to observe , to drive defensively , some of these pick ups , screaming down the main drag of Hua Hin it crazy , now roads are better here than the Phills these days , but that just makes em go faster 5555 .

[provokeesmokee]

Did you grow up with overbearing, possessive family?

Often those of us who grew up with abusive environments unconsciously seek them out as adults because they're familiar.

[alice55]

Beccause it show they care, a man not possessive mean he doesn't love you neither care about you and can exchange you with the first girl he see

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes, I have somewhat similar feelings!

[alice55]

I'm the same too, I like possessive guys, those that don't get possessive are just player that don't take relationship seriously

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, agreed.

[HiveBee]

No wonder they always act like I'm going to run off and cheat. Because I am not a possessive asshole

In my head that's crazy. I can't act like that. I have too much confident.

I don't care if some hot guy is talking to my girlfriend. I am not intimidated by any man. I know what I can do in the bedroom lol.

I just flat out will tell a girl to move on to someone else if that is what she needs.

Honestly over time I have become sick and tired of all the "femininity" that women love so much.

It's just immature "girl stuff." "Girls NEED you to do these things. It's 'girl stuff' we can't help it."

Been told that by girlfriend's too much. I won't stand for it anymore.

Act like a normal human being with me or I'm done. I'm out of here.

[MrOracle]

You're a submissive, and something of a brat (these are both general and BDSM-related terms), and you crave both a "take-charge" man (because that kind of man is far more likely to be able to provide for you and protect you and to be able to problem-solve in times of crisis) and the closer, deeper connection that most Dom/sub relationships entail. It's not all that uncommon - my own girlfriend is much the same, minus most of the "brat" part.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I know, I am familiar with BDSM terminology, have never thought of myself as a “spoiled brat” though haha

I am actually very flexible and I have always thought of myself as switch.

But, can’t help but notice that when I really like someone I go full mode spoiled brat 😂

I start doing everything bad I would not normally do and that’s weird, because you are supposed to be your good self when you like someone right?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

So, my main focus while breaking the rules is the person I like usually, I do it for him mainly, but sometimes people misunderstand you and think the opposite.

[MrOracle]

That's pretty much the definition of a Brat. You're misbehaving for HIS attention. That's why you mostly only act this way around a man you really like, and crave his attention.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I once really liked a guy, and he liked me too, we dated briefly and he wanted a relationship.

I was 21, he was 28.

At the birthday party, we attended together, I was in a very sexy and a beautiful dress, he was sitting at the bar and I decided to dance for him, I chose another man who asked me to dance with him and danced with that guy very sensually, while looking at the guy that I really liked.

I was actually dancing for him. I didn’t care about the guy I was dancing with.

Now, lots of men would lose interest in me if I did the same thing, in front of them.

However, all I wanted was him to come to me and make me dance with him, like come and get me.

However, I think he thought I was no longer interested in him.

At some point, he came to me, leaned my waist to him and kissed my cheek very intensely. Probably he was shy to go for lips directly.

But that’s what I wanted him to do, I was never interested to dance with someone else. Now I can see how that can be annoying and unacceptable for some men.

[MrOracle]

Right. That would have been unacceptable with me. But I'm much more direct, and I set clear boundaries and expectations. My girl never has any doubt about my feelings or interest towards her - I don't play games or beat around the bush. She also doesn't have to fight for my attention.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I had a relationship after that and my ex and I had communicated about our boundaries clearly, so I have never done anything like that again and I felt very happy in my relationship.

But the fact that I liked doing that at some point when I was more of my raw self at 21, makes me question my personality, as to why did I enjoy it.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I liked that my ex told me what he expected of me, or what he wanted me to do or not to do and I respected that.

[MrOracle]

That's because someone who sets and respects boundaries is someone you can trust and count on. Most women find that attractive (even some of the ones who were taught not to).

[Levin]

Dynamics from a familial, mother or father, relationship, usually. Or some other relationship of significance in the past for you.

I have known quite a few women into dominant men, because their fathers were rather weak and passive in their interactions,

[Grond21]

It's not that strange. You want a man to not only be interested, you like the idea of being super important to him. And of him protecting you as his most precious part of his life.
And thus you are testing him with your fake rebellious behavior.

It's like pushing on a rock to make sure it is strong and dependable

[Staximus]

You said "And I get a bit hurt and disappointed if I push the limits and he’s not acting that possessive". What is pushing the limits? Don't play games and test people. If you think somebody is worth being in a relationship with, don't try to make them jealous by being inconsiderate of their feelings. They will think you are not serious about them and take a hike.

[CatVader]

being attracted to someone you can save or who will save you when you put yourself in unnecessary risk is a dysfunction... it can be worked through since it is a habit and not something you are born with.

but of cause you can easily live with such a dysfunction, also depends on how heavy it is.
like do you for kicks and giggles call the mafia to kidnap you every Saturday just so you can be saved by your white knight boyfriend?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Nope, I would never endanger someone I loved.

[CatVader]

but endangering yourself is ok?

[CatVader]

I'm pretty sure though that your boyfriend would get exhausted from needing to be possesive.
some are very jealous which i also see as them having some self confidence problem, but might be a good fit for you where you are atm.
don't you get exhausted yourself from that display?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t like him being possessive all the time, I like it in the beginning, to make me feel sure he is really into me

[CatVader]

hmm.. how would that stop over time though? thought that might be a trade.
or are you looking more for someone who shows you serious interest and court you rather?
I don't see modern society as having good courting culture... which is unfortunate

[CatVader]

*trait

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I guess so, because I tend to be escaping from relationships and I like it when a man treats me in a possessive way, to get me.

My only boyfriend for example, he never gave up on me, he did his best to make me his girlfriend, doesn’t matter how annoying I was he would still be there and making me feel like “I was supposed to be HIS girlfriend.”

In the end I fell for him deep and I was a very good girlfriend

[CatVader]

alright.
are you still together then?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

We were together for 3.5 years and engaged. We broke up a year ago. I have been single for a year, dated around a bit, but didn’t feel like anyone being the one for me.

[CatVader]

yea.. I've been flying solo for more than a decade so get how that is.
I also tend to fall hard if i fall, so.. she better be worth it.

I wouldn't say it is weird expecting to be courted. but i also think it's tough with how the dating culture is in present time.

[andy530]

It soothes some underlying insecurities or attachment injuries to know that he will verbally tell you what he wants, and what he expects of you. Takes the guess work and some of the vulnerability out of the equation

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I guess you are right

[andy530]

That’s how I see it anyway

[Mhmmmalreadykno]

I guess thats how you feel like a person cares about you and thats normal. Just sometimes it can get out of hand so just be careful about how far you push it.

[spartan55]

There is nothing about possessiveness that indicates caring. The exact opposite actually.

[Guido]

I seems that is a quality you like your man to have. That makes you more on the submissive side. You push the boundaries and he reins you in by telling you what to do and how to behave. It can be a way of caring.

Do you like him to be that way about everything? Such as tell you what you can and cannot wear, what to do in bed, where you can go and where you can't. To what extent do you want to be possessed and controlled?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t like being told what to do and what to wear.

I can be pretty independent.

What I like is him telling me what he dislikes me to do.

Because I can be very careless sometimes and I’ll keep being my careless self unless I am told that it hurts someone I care about.

My ex for example, never told me what not to wear, he liked me to wear sexily and he was pretty open minded.

However, He knew I liked going to bars and he told me he’d be hurt if I went there while in a relationship with him, because he believed bars were full with the type of people he didn’t trust, as a result I told him I was fine not going to bars, and I only went there rarely just along with my married friends, who have their own bar.

Then my ex told me he would love to join sometimes. And we rarely (almost never) went to the bars, but when we went, we went together.

I also liked taking dancing classes, where I had a male dancing partner and the dances were quite romantic, I didn’t stop going there until after I realized we had feelings for each other and he never told me not to go there,

Instead one day he came to me and kissed me randomly and very happily and I asked him what he was happy about and he said, he knew I stopped going to those dancing classes and he said he was happy that I made that decision, as he knew I went there and loved dancing and that there were lots of guys flirting with me and that I even dated one of the dance partners in the past and he was happy I made the decision to stop going there, as it showed him that, I too, was committed to our relationship. Which he thought was very important because I was very hard to make committed, but once I commit, I am extremely loyal.

As for in the bedroom, I am quite flexible and I can enjoy being dominant as well as being submissive.

[Apple1996]

This is not healthy. You shouldn't base your behavior on what a man thinks. Just be confident and follow your own rules.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t base it. I just like “breaking rules” mainly to see him being possessive. Which is no less unhealthy I think, but it is what it is.

[Apple1996]

If it's sexually then you are probably a submissive brat. In everyday life it's probably a actual issue like trauma you have that is making you want to be controlled by a man

[Apple1996]

A man being possessive is a sign of emotional abuse even if you enjoy it... that's still not healthy

[Chthou95]

If im financially supportive and taking care of a woman i love, do i have a level of authority over her and keeping from making stupid decisions?

[Apple1996]

@Chthou95 no that's still abusive. Especially If you think finances have anything to do with having power over her. That'd be financial abuse

[Chthou95]

How is it abuse if im taking care of her both physically and financially? Finances do play a role in a relationships. They're one of the things that keeps it from collapsing

[Apple1996]

@Chthou95 if you think you have say over her then it's abuse

[Chthou95]

Then we can agree it's responsibility without authority

[Apple1996]

@Chthou95 saying it's a responsibility is trying to control the other person. Everyone should be in control of themselves and how they act

[Chthou95]

Its not controlling. That's what's expected (generally speaking) from the man. To be the provider and protector. If im responsible for something, i should also have the say in something as well but nope. That's sexist and controlling. So going back to it, it really is just responsibility without authority

[Apple1996]

@Chthou95 being a provider and protector is just a excuse. Wgat you are talking about is emotional and mental abuse. If you do this stuff in a relationship you can get in serious trouble if brought up in court.

[Chthou95]

Its not an excuse. Its been like this for years and years. That's how its set up. Having authority doesn't mean abusing. It means you have a say in what the people can do and shouldn't do. Especially if a decision you make, is going to lead to some problems

[Apple1996]

@Chthou95 for years and years women have been abused... and everyone is responsible for their own decisions. If you don't like how your SO acts then date someone else rather than trying to control them into what you think is best

[Chthou95]

Then men shouldn't be in relationships if they no say over what a woman does or shouldn't do. He shouldn't provide or protect her nor give her a ring if she's just going to do whatever she wants. Responsibility without authority is dangerous

[Apple1996]

@Chthou95 it's not dangerous if you trust your partner

[Chthou95]

That's easy to say when the resposiblity is not put on you

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

@Chthou95 Just because I am turned on by some types of men doesn’t mean that is healthy.

I had a very open-minded ex who wasn’t possessive and I was very happy with it.

[Chthou95]

It has nothing do with being abusive if that's why you mentioned it not being healthy. Its to keep you from making dumb decisions. a lot of the times women dont know what's best for them

[soe11]

Dear

It's norms for many females, this not a weakness in you.

Read books about it and build confidence and self-esteem, I hope you will be okay.

[Nylife20j]

Understanding is key to relationship as well as communication. A woman shouldn't have male friends or have women that have husband. No no hoe is going to be a housewife. Plain life. Must be a believer as well. The lake of fire is real.

[crmoore]

It's a mild BDSM thing. Whether you're fully into BDSM or not, looking into that part of BDSM might help you under yourself and these feelings of yours.

[Andres77]

Is it a defense mechanism? Possessive might indicate a lesser chance to be left.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Have no idea

[Andres77]

Just keep this in mind, it might be.
(this is a subtle way saying…yes, it is)

[Lunatic1]

It isn't him being possessive in most cases, he is just setting boundaries. If you like that, then you are attracted to men who have respect for themselves.

[Chthou95]

Its instinct. Like the other guy said, you're hardwired to be submissive to men you're attracted to. You're attracted to a man who takes charge and tells you what he will allow and won't. It turns you on and you become more attracted to him

[Jackblue]

Obvious question how is your realtionship with your dad?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Perfect.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

It’s my mom who I had a tensed relationship with.

[Jackblue]

Well, maybe you trust dominant males more because of that.

[joeND]

because it makes you feel loved. My girl saiid she owns my penis. I love that she wants me.

[loveslongnails]

You view it as a sign that he cares about you, like a piece of property he values.