How can my boyfriend get rid of his anger issues?

[Lisia]

My boyfriend can become pretty aggressive sometimes lol he never HURT me before but he can get rough when we're fighting but that's because of our height and strength difference, which scares me.

Not sure why he has so much anger.. he had it already in past relationships and stuff. He did say it got better but in my opinion it could still use some work lol.

Some people irl say it's because of games but I have to disagree since I play games w/ him and I'm 10 times worse and I like to believe I'm a pretty calm person.

Also when me and him were just friends, he seemed very calm but then again we didn't fight because we were just friends and didn't really have anything to fight about. And also we don't fight a lot but if we do yeah I don't know it's always a scene for some reason.

He also has the need for speed and when we once fought in the car, he started driving more reckless.

I love him so I'd rather wanna fix his anger issues. I once advised him to go play a sport like boxing to let his anger out but he says that'll only make it worse.

Any advice?

[Slim57]

Don't listen to the people who obviously have no idea how it is living with anger issues, I've been dealing with them too my whole life and it's not something that you can just fix, try to find out what his triggers are, for me it's frustration, people upsetting me on the road by being rude and inconsiderate, sounds stupid but people on games piss me off pretty badly too for some reason, and then when I'm working on something and can't figure it out or when something fairly new breaks or I misplace something, I've tried therapy but it didn't work for me sadly, but maybe he could try it, different stuff works for different people, also everyone recommends going to the gym, or exercising, which is the only thing I really haven't tried, I'd also push trying out boxing some more or maybe MMA, all in all my girlfriend of over almost 2 years has never made me as mad as these other things mentioned and I've never hurt anyone or wanted to, if you have any questions about it I can answer honestly about my struggle with it

[Lisia]

He already goes to the gym tho with me.. I tbh don't really see a difference in that. We could try therapy tho

[Slim57]

Really ah man I'm sorry, yeah I'd recommend trying anything, keep pushing at him it's not some lighthearted issue

[scooogy]

@Lisia How about no sex until therapy?

[Lisia]

@scooogy that's torture lol

[scooogy]

@Lisia but only if you do that

[Joker_]

your boyfriend sounds just like @Worst!

[Lisia]

Lol does he have anger issues too

[Joker_]

yeah lol

[Worst]

No I don't lol fuck you nigga

[Slim57]

👀👀👀

[Joker_]

lol 󠀡󠀡

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa, this sounds like a pretty rocky situation. A few thoughts:

- His anger and aggressive behavior during fights is NOT okay, even if he hasn't gotten physical yet. That's emotional abuse and it's understandably scary for you.

- Has something deeper from his past triggered this anger? Unresolved childhood issues sometimes come out that way. Therapy could help uncover roots.

- In the short term, when he starts to get heated, remove yourself from the situation immediately for your own safety. Give each other space to cool off before continuing a discussion.

- You're right that boxing might worsen his aggression. Yoga, meditation or other relaxation techniques could help teach controlling emotions in healthier ways.

- Ultimately he has to WANT to change and be committed to managing his temper. Has he looked into anger management classes? Seen his doctor to rule out any medical factors?

- If he refuses help, you need to put your well-being first sis. No one deserves to feel afraid of their partner. Would moving out temporarily be an option?

Stay safe. Promise me you'll get help from friends/family if things escalate further, 'kay? This is some serious shit - don't try to handle it alone. Hope he steps up for you.

[Lisia]

When I try to leave, he grabs me so I can't. I'm a little shorter than 5'2 and he's 6'2, so it's impossible for me to break out. And the males in my family are abusive too so I don't think my family can't really do anything and I don't wanna tell my friends. I think he would want to change but I'm not sure we have a lot of possibilities in my country for anger management.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo, this is some real serious shit sis. I know you care about him, but you gotta put your safety first. The fact that he physically prevents you from leaving during fights crosses a huge line.

I know it might feel impossible sometimes, but you do not deserve to be scared in your own relationship. No means no, ya feel me?

As for options, here's what I would do:

- See if there are any domestic abuse hotlines or women's shelters in your area you can contact secretly. Tell them exactly what's been happening - they'll know the best advice for your situation and country.

- Start keeping a log of any times he's grabbed or scared you, with dates. Take photos of any marks or bruises too if you get them, just in case. Have evidence ready if you need to file a report.

- Do you trust any of your close girl friends enough to confide in them? You don't have to go through this alone. Strength in numbers, feel me?

- Remove yourself from him completely as soon as it's safe to do so. Let people know where you are at all times too until the situation de-escalates majorly.

- If talking doesn't work and the abuse continues, you gotta remove yourself for good, by any means necessary. You're so young - don't waste your precious years with someone who makes you feel unsafe like this.

No pussy is worth dying over, you feel me? Stay strong - focus on your safety above all else. My DMs are always open too if you need an ear, 'kay? We'll figure it out.

[Lisia]

Okay thanks for the advice 😊

[Oliverlogan263]

You're very welcome sis. I'm always here if you need anything at all, even just to vent. Please promise me you'll reach out to one of those abuse hotlines ASAP - they'll know the best steps to take legally and safely in your situation and country. Your well-being is the top priority here.

In the meantime, do everything you can to avoid being alone with this dude until you have a solid exit plan in place. Spend as much time as possible with other people around for your protection. And remember - none of this is your fault, no matter what he tries to tell you. You deserve so much better, you know?

Stay strong. We've all got your back through this. One day at a time - focus on taking care of yourself and getting to a safer situation. You've got this. Don't be afraid to use me as a sounding board whenever you need, a'ight? Now go get yourself some support from the professionals too. You've got this sis!

[Lisia]

He lives with me 😅 but we usually don't fight, and we also do almost everything together so of course fights are unavoidable

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah shit girl, living together does make things way more complicated. Look, I know avoiding fights is impossible sometimes when you're around each other 24/7, but you've gotta be extra careful now.

Here's what I'd do - next time you feel an argument brewing, be proactive. Suggest taking a breather separately before things escalate. Like "hey, I'm gonna go for a walk/call a friend real quick and calm down." Give each other space so it doesn't blow up.

And most importantly, never hesitate to call me or anyone else if you feel even the slightest bit unsafe when you're alone with him. Have an emergency plan to get yourself out if needed. Could you maybe start staying over at my place a night or two a week as a buffer?

Also, do you think this guy would be open to seeing a counselor together? They could teach you both healthier communication skills and give him anger management strategies. Long-term it'll make things better.

I know living together makes divorce from the situation hard, but you come first, feel me? Don't be afraid to call it quits if all else fails and you don't feel safe. You've got options even if it means crashing on my couch. We'll figure the rest out - promise. Your safety is the #1 priority here no matter what, a'ight?

[dynamicyandere]

He needs to remove himself from the situation to cool off when necessary. If I get in a heated argument, sometimes I take a break and cool off first before returning to the discussion — that way I won’t accidentally say something I’ll later regret.


So, if he’s not sure if he can keep his cool, he may need to get some fresh air first, cool off, and return to the discussion later. That’s a good habit to instill.


As long as things aren’t being swept under the rug. (Important issues are still getting addressed and resolved.) Then it’s totally fine to have a moment to cool off. Hours even, if necessary.


In terms of cooling off, what helps me is intense exercise, long walks, writing it out, or verbalizing my frustrations aloud to myself and processing things.


Mediation can help too, specifically exercises that involve letting go and clearing one's mind. And of course grounding meditations.


Getting a good handle on one’s anger can take years.


I remember a time when I struggled with anger as well — but over time, I’ve learned how to have good control over it and now am one of the calmest and most grounded people my friends know.


One friend of mine even described me as ‘calm, cool, and collected’ which is a big contrast to the version of me who used to get into school fights often.


So yeah, as someone mentioned earlier, you’ll need to be patient with him as anger management can be a long learning process.


But as long as he sincerely is trying to improve this area of his life, there is hope.

[Lisia]

He never wants to cool off tho

[dynamicyandere]

Well, then that’s a new habit he needs to start if he’s serious about controlling his anger. He needs to practicing cooling off. He needs to practicing blowing off steam in a healthy non-destructive and safe way. Otherwise, he’s never going to learn how to control it. I know that it feels good to just let it all out — but it needs to be done in a healthy way — not in a way that puts other people at risk, emotionally or physically or mentally.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Yep I have experience with extreme anger issues, I've known people that have even murdered out of anger, beat people out of anger etc. It surely isn't an easy process, from my knowledge it's not necessarily possible to get rid of these anger issues but it's more of a way of controlling and it all revolves around ego, ego sparks anger and in order to control their anger they have to control their ego, you can't really help him, it's something he has to do himself, what you can do for him as his supportive lover is try not to anger him, if you see he's starting to get aggressive, extinguish it by trying to calm him down any way you know how, now the hardest part will most likely be the denial that it's his ego and that he's egotistic, from what I've witnessed it can even take years to accept their ego is the problem and even try controlling it, it's possible he might get angry by bringing up that his ego is making him aggressive and that he has to control it, it requires patience and understanding from your part and for him it requires patience, acceptance and effort for change, Best of luck Lisa

[Lisia]

Okay, thanks!

[love_conquers_lust]

That shit needs to stop, full stop. He can’t be driving recklessly endangering the both of you. He also shouldn’t be getting “rough” with you out of anger. Boy needs to learn stoicism, it should never get physical.

The women I’ve been around can say some of the nastiest, most vile, toxic shit. Feelings are precious to you guys.

Guy I worked with was driving down the highway with his wife in the passenger seat and sister in the back. Wife was arguing and smacking her husband. He urged her to stop because he was swerving every time she hit him. Eventually, she yelled to pull over and let her out. He slams on the brakes and swerves to the side of the road. She struggled to get the door open, when she did, he shoved her out with his foot and the last thing he saw was her heels fly up in the air as she tumbled out and he hit the gas and took off. She called back an hour later crying to be picked up. I don’t agree with the pushing, but I do agree with the pulling over and letting her walk so she could cool off.

I don’t know if the advice can come from you. It sucks that the men in your family are abusers, too. I doubt he’ll take it well when you tell him “this is how you should behave with your anger.”. He probably doesn’t have a good understanding how women work. Probably doesn’t have a good understanding how people work. Also probably full of piss and vinegar.

[Madilyn]

I felt like I was tiptoeing around my ex. The littlest thing got him *so* angry. He'd throw things, break things, punch things, etc. It was a horrible toxic environment and its one which left me with some emotional damage.

Still, almost 2 years later, I get irrationally anxious when my current partner is annoyed. He never gets overly angry or loses his temper, but it occasionally brings back those memories and it scares me.

If you're here, writing this, thinking about your boyfriends anger issues. It's probably already time to move on. There's always the option of begging your SO to get anger management therapy - but if they refuse, move on. When someone recognises their behaviour is hurtful, but refuses to change, that's when the relationship should be reconsidered.

My mother always said a good man would never make a woman feel scared or unsafe.

[Lisia]

Thank you ❤️ and sorry you went through that

[Madilyn]

❤️❤️

[SixFootSexy]

When you're hurt, you think that anger and bitterness are aren't feeling weak. When you choose an emotion like anger, you feel powerful.

It's a way to mask hurt and feel a burst of energy, but it's a great way to burnout and harm the people you love. If people are able to let go of the negative emotion and anger, they will find that love is more powerful. But few people are willing to endure the transitional powerlessness they feel letting go of that emotional crutch of anger. I know I did.

[Finchie40]

Be careful, just because he hasn’t put a finger on you yet , it doesn’t mean he won’t do so in the future , so you are best to tell him to seek anger management therapy before it escalates even more , Usually people that have a hard time controlling their anger tend to just get worse as time goes on , especially in relationships, You also should work on finding ways not to trigger his anger if you plan on staying on this relationship , mainly for your safety , Mental abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse , And most mental abuse turns into physical abuse , So if I was you I would have a serious talk with him and tell him he needs to get some help , if he chooses not to do so then you are probably best to end that relationship for your safety and sanity

[MustafaAl]

Damn my sister was bigger than me for some reasons and so i can't fight her
But she always provokes me to hurt her so that she can retaliate and make me look bad.
She'll pull my hair so bad until i cry i don't know but she feels good, she's not lesbian though just an assholes sometimes


But at this moment she's normal she didn't apologize for manipulating me but we're good now



It requires a lot research (scientific),
Investments and observations treat it like an experiment and lastly he must be willing to participate in that research as well.
Lastly, be understanding and just listen at whatever they're saying theyll get tired anyway


My strategy to outsmart my sister is avoid her or make her tired in any way that way they can no longer get mad because they're sedated by lack of energy.

[DJB72]

Martial arts rather than boxing. Boxing isn't about control. I'd recommend aikido as it's focus is avoiding conflict by drawing on your internal locus of control.

Anger in men - from experience as well as training - comes from suppressed depression and can cycle back into major depressive disorders and even suicidal thoughts. Find ways to let him burn off the stresses he has. Physical sports are good. Try tenpin bowling - again from personal experience - get him to visualise the pins as the things/people who elicit the anger or depression in him. Hell probably get very good very fast!

Don't let him use sex to burn it off. As a reward after he's calmed down by all means, but not as a way to calm down. It might feel exciting and passionate at first, but if you sexualise releasing anger you're asking for trouble in a massive way.

[SEEKINGSUBMISSIONS]

Tell him to go to anger management and master the art of self-control!
Best key ways to do that is if he's impatient make him be patient by having to wait for shit all the time the more you do that the more he'll learn that!

If it's 10% off easily do things to trigger him and make him work on not doing it!.

This will be hard especially if the guy doesn't really like you that much but he is not into you he's not going to work that hard for you!

[Lisia]

He already is trying his best but he struggles with a lot of inner stuff 😅

[glitch_07]

Well, he should be willing to work on his anger issues first of all and know this without his willingness, you won't be able to change him all by yourself as brutal as this may sound, if he is not willing to change or work on it or even gives up in between the process I am sorry you ain't the one he is going to change for.

[glitch_07]

And to reduce his anger issues he can start off by meditation which always works.

[Lisia]

Okay

[Still-alive]

Looks like you already got a lot of good advice here... so ill just say this. The moment he strikes you physically... you leave him ok? Do not stay. it will only get worse from there. You seem like you're well passed the point where you are heavily emotionally invested in him so i know that'll be hard but... you deserve much better than a guy who can't control his temper to the point where he hits you. that isn't love to me.

Anyways. thats all i gotta say.

[Anonymous]

no. get away from him. your arguments, do they get physical? arguments should only be resolved by words... you mentioned height and strength difference, which makes me think he has put his hands on you. which is a big red flag and for the future.

he won't get rid of his anger issues and this won't get better. get out now while you still can.

[scooogy]

Sports might make things worse, but it effing gets the danger away from you. TIf things came up since you two are a couple, it isn't just about him anymore but about you two. I guess you mentioned the hurting and the reckless driving aspects, because your underlying fear makes you suggest things like sports. You shouldn't hesitate to let him know that you fear getting harmed by that.

[Anonymous]

anger management classes.
I used to be the exact same. And then he put his hands on me to hurt me. Don't be dumb and think you can "fix" anything because only HE can.

[Lisia]

Okay thanks

[ChefPapiChulo]

Sounds like a tough situation. Might be a good time to be like, hey, you really need to work on this. Especially if it scares you in the slightest. You’re a queen never forget that.

[Lisia]

Awww thank you <3 I already talked with him about it but every tims we fight he seems to forget that we ever did

[Lisia]

time*

[ChefPapiChulo]

I mean deep down these issues are his and it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

Maybe breathing techniques. When I get angry I focus on my breathing and it clears my mind. It’s an effective tool for regaining control.

[Lisia]

Thanks for the advice x

[DB1973]

What kind of “fighting” are you talking about? It’s not clear to me what you mean. Are we talking fist, slap, pushing, shoving, pinching? Do you have bruises after? Etc…


One of my son’s has had to do major work on this around females in the past. When he was going through this process he was way out of control and I had to do major work as a Dad to get it through to him it was not ok.

[TonyMetal___86]

As your boyfriend, if he truly loves you than he will put efforts on changing his attitude to make you feel more comfortable with hin because you need to feel safe with him since he's the one who must take care of you and protect you, he can also tell you how you can help him to make him feel relaxed...

If you both couldn't manage his anger issue than he needs to see a specialist about this case...

[Billlewis]

Maybe you should consider letting him take it out on someone, perhaps give them a good whipping, etc.

[Shamalien]

what worries me is that u came from an abusive household so u are gunna think some shit is normal that might not be right

Only time I’ve ever been physical with a girl is to restrain her from hurting herself and / or others