What does he want from me?

[Anonymous]

Hey, I am targeting the guys now. I have a dilemma now, and I do not know if I am overreacting or what...

A week ago I met a guy. I am 22, he is 19. We work for the same company but in different departments. He is friend of my roommate and he was at our place last week. The day after, he came again but only to see me. He made an excuse just to see me. We did not sleep together, but he stayed until 8 AM (he came at 12 AM). The next day he came again and we slept together but he again stayed a lot. We did not agree on anything, so on Monday I went like I do not care. But then he messaged again saying we should meet. He came over again just to see me, but we did not have sex. Then suddenly, Tuesday nothing. Wednesday he came again, but no sex. Thursday nothing and now we have Friday. On Wednesday, Thursday and today he texted me during work 'hey i have a break now, come see me' but at work we act like friends. What I do not understand is that 1) if we are friends because we talk a lot about each other, why he comes over to sleep with me? 2) if he wants to be friends with benefits why he wants to see me at work / why he comes over and just chills with me without trying to get into my pants? 3) if he wants to aim for something more serious, why are his actions are so inconsistent? do not misunderstand me, I would be fine with all the three options, it just confuses me that he mixes the three options. It is like he does not care enough to be consistent with me, but at the same time he does not want just sex because then at work he would not sneak out to see me etc. And if you sleep with someone without feelings, you do not stay 8-9 hours, or come over just to cuddle. but true that he is only 19, and we just started to see each other but his behaviour really confuses me and i do not know what and how to act at this situation. :)

[Summeroflove]

When you just casually sleep with someone. You start to create problems. I think you just need to talk to him directly. Either you both want to date and see if you want to get into a relationship or just stop.

[Nikki1989]

Why can't you just ask him?

[Asker]

because i do not wanna be this needy person that we hang out just for a week but i already ask ooo so what are we?

[BarryLiverstone]

He wants friends with benefits

[BarryLiverstone]

What do you want?

[Asker]

for him to be clear about what he wants. if he wants to be friends with benefits, do not sneak out at work where we do not touch each other, do not come over to cook together, to watch a movie, do not bring me chocolate and flowers. come over, sleep with me, we both have fun and then bye. why stay and chat for hours if he does not want anything serious?

[BarryLiverstone]

Because that’s how he sees friends with benefits. He’s not just using you for sex. He’s treating it as a casual relationship. Also it doesn’t sound like he’s got much experience. How many exes does he have?

[Asker]

he had 2 serious relationships. but now I am getting more confused because casual relationship, what is that?

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s like friends with benefits. But he’s not going to commit to only being your boyfriend. You all hang out and have fun as you have described. But he’s not going to lead you in a serious relationship. He’s had two girls before you and doesn’t want to be serious rn

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s been a week. He shouldn’t be required to say what he wants for the next year. How about you. What do you want? Do you want to marry him? Or do you want to stay casual and date others

[Asker]

Okay, thank you :)

[Asker]

I think I want him to be clear. If he says we should be friends with benefits I will know that it will not get serious and I will stop prioritizing him etc.

[BarryLiverstone]

If you had wanted to be serious then you would have asked him out on a date. So far you are showing him that you want a casual and fun time

[Asker]

yes, but i do not give him mixed signals. i never text first, i never call first. first he did not say we should be serious etc so why should i act like i want something serious? the problem here is not with him not wanting to be my boyfriend, the problem here is that one day he acts like A, the next one he acts like B, then C... no, either give me the same stuff or do not give me anything at all ahah

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s only based on your expectations going into it. It’s been one week. You are not in a relationship and he’s showing you desire and attention. If you believe he’s not doing things right then tell him to stay away from you., it’s not like he’s got a rule book that tells him exactly what to do. He likes you enough to have sex and likes you enough to spend quality time.

If this isn’t what you want then communicate. No one is a mind reader

[Asker]

thank you sm!! :)

[BarryLiverstone]

You are welcome. Also I’ll communicate to you and tell you to not call yourself an idiot. You be better

[Asker]

yes but these things are always confusing me because as you said, it is not like a book, that we have rules and puff.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ya dating is very confusing. lol we are all here on gag trying to figure things out. If it was so easy we wouldn’t be frustrated and making all these mistakes.

[Asker]

but this is when I ask myself. is dating really confusing? or if it was right, it would feel "easier", no?

[BarryLiverstone]

Go ahead and follow me here. It’s not an easy answer

[Asker]

alright, i believe you :)

[BarryLiverstone]

Good

[In_Trance]

Why are you making your intentions clear?

[Asker]

what do you mean i make my intentions clear? i try to understand his..

[In_Trance]

Rather than waiting for him to decide what you guys are why aren't you?

[Asker]

because we started hanging out a week ago, I do not wanna seem needy or seem to be one that already overthinks this situation. i fear i overthink because other than we have nice time which i would not wanna ruin because i am an idiot

[Iron_Man]

Discuss everything with him