Did he just want to have sex with me… if he asked intimated questions?

[Anonymous]

He asked about the last time I was intimate.

I told him I’m a pk… he said you “what they say about pk’s”

I told him that I wasn’t intimate in awhile… (I’m actually a virgin) …

he joked saying “I must have a collection”

before we met he never mentioned sex…. I told him from the jump that I wasn’t looking for casual… I genuinely think he was interested.. but I self sabotaged.. thinking I wasn’t good enough…

It started off all bad because of me not him…

I post sexy pics for validation not actual sex… I mentioned friends with benefits so that he would text me back after an “fight”…. I think he’s treating me like a slut now🥺

[DaveJord]

I think your insecurity over sex in general is the self-sabotage you are talking about. I mean you insecure about talking about sex, if you are virgin and proud of that, then you should of said that.

I think this woman posting pics of themselves for self-validation is reaching a very high level of toxic femininity. I mean you are literally objectifying yourself to men, get validation. You are presenting yourself as a sex object and then insecure with men that view you as such.

That is not the man's fault. You are doing that.

I usually wait for the 3rd to 5th date to talk about sex, but yes 90% of the time sex is discussed beforehand. Secure and mature people can have grown up conversations about sex. There is nothing wrong with that.

[Asker]

I feel like during the date … him saying I’m nervous to sleep with you bc I feel like you’re going to be too emotional/ erratic after is just confirmation that he doesn’t intend on being with me and making me feel safe… he just wants to hit and quit it after with no drama.

I have no issue with talking about sex but making me feel like you actually care just to get some is damaging… then to ghost me after the date…

[DaveJord]

I mean what is it you want me to say?

" I’m nervous to sleep with you bc I feel like you’re going to be too emotional/ erratic"

I mean that is a very mature thing to say to someone. Actually it says to me that he was picking up on your insecurity or virgin status. Like you have never had sex before, so you are sending out that vibe and he is picking up on it.

The truth is you are a virgin, you never told him that, but he sensed you holding back and getting uncomfortable. Thats a sign of his emotional maturity. To the degree that he said, he is nervious to be with you because he feels that you are super uncomfortable.

But you never told him the truth, did you?

Now you want to be upset that he did not approach you in the right way, and now you want to say that its only a confirmation of how he really feels. Thats BULLSHIT, you never told him the truth. You never made him feel safe with you emotionally, because you were not being honest with him. But he was honest with you. He told you he is nervous, he is not feeling safe, something about you is making him feel wrong.

And you want to take that as a confirmation of his true intentions. That is bullshit. That is a lie you are telling yourself, so you can avoid taking any responsibility for the choices you made by not being honest with him. So, you scapegoat him for doing something he did not do, so you can avoid taking the responsible for the things you did or did not do.

Grow up and stop blaming other people for your own issues.

[Asker]

I just phrased it like that… he actually said im scared to sleep with you bc you may act crazier than you already are basically.

I did the mature thing by telling him that I had no intentions of being in a relationship.. I just wanted to be a placeholder… no sex.. until he found someone else. He didn’t want that… he seemed genuine interested.. he never brought up my “sexy” pics he complimented the one of me smiling.

[DaveJord]

So, this only validates my point then. It had nothing to do with sex. He told you the truth, and WTF are you talking about, place holder. I don't know any man that would want a place holder who already acting, in words, crazy.

So, in the end it come back to my point, stop blaming this guy, look the mirror and do some serious self-reflection and improve. Figure out how to be the best version of yourself.

Its a commonly known fact that men will take sex if that is what she is offering. Its just a basic fact, like the Earth revolves around the sun. We know it all to be true, but do you get pissed at the earth or the sun? Why are you getting pissed at a men, for being men, when all you want is to be respected as a woman?

Dude was honest with you and told you take a hike. Its call rejection. It sucks, but it is not his fault. How many times have I hear women tell me that I cannot handle rejection. TONS!!! How many times have I hear women scape goat men over sex or being too this or too that, and then cry about being rejecting! TONS!!!

No, you cannot have it both ways. You want to be respected as woman, then act like one. Take responsibility for yourself and stop blaming everyone else as means to validate your own insecurities.

[Asker]

I do think I need to work on things and I admit that… but I did tell him in the beginning that I wasn’t looking for anything serious… he seemed to want something more than I could give…

I should have been honest from the beginning but I was scared. I should have told him that I was a virgin and that I’ve never had a serious relationship.

I should have opened up more on the date and told him how I felt… he asked me numerous times what’s on my mind.

[Asker]

But I still feel like h ghosting me was very hurtful… I didn’t see it coming.. I thought we would still get to know each other more after. It really hurt… even if he didn’t want to talk anymore… that’s fine.. he could have told me. I would have said okay I understand and asked for feedback…

[DaveJord]

He did tell you; you just didn't like it. Rejection sucks, no way around it. Just own it, move on, and do better next time.

At your age 25-29, no man in 2023 that you would want to date, is going to make you place holder. If you want what you want out of a relationship with a guy, but do not feel you should have to do all things that would entitle you to be deserving of those things... they way you talk to him, the way you treat him, and yeah sex... sorry for men relationships with women come with sex. And if you want to pretend or act like we are going to be some type of girlfriend / boyfriend thing here... then you need to do girlfriend things. And if you are opposed to doing that then I have no time for it.

You say; "he could have told me. I would have said okay I understand and asked for feedback…"

What else did he have to tell you? You basically said he did tell you, but you did not like what he said. Why? Because rejection hurts, get over it. He did tell you, it hurt, and not you want to make it about sex, when it probably had nothing to do with sex.

Here is the deal, it often said that women should never give away sex for free. I agree with this. I mean if guy wants to have sex with you, then yes there should be some reasonable expectation that he is going to treat you in proper ways.

But if you want to date a guy, then there is a reasonable expectation he has to be treated in certain ways.

It is true women should not give away sex for free.

But men have to put some value on the price of their friendship, and if you want to be his freind and get all the benefits of his friendship... then he as a right to look for, want and expect certain things as well.

Sound to me you wanted all the perks of being this guy's girlfriend, for free. And he told you take a hike, and you got your feelings hurt. That is all this boils down to.

[Asker]

No… I only wanted to chat as friends… even just have a emotional connection… I don’t understand why you keep saying I wanted girlfriend benefits when I only wanted to chat WHILE HE ACTIVELY LOOKS FOR SOMEONE ELSE! This is the reason why I didn’t want to talk bc of this! I wanted to protect my emotional health…

You stated this had nothing to do with sex…. Then what was the reason he rejected me if it wasn’t about sex?

[DaveJord]

Because that is what boyfriend do... you want all the emotional connecting and chatting, from a man or this man... but that is not what he needs or wants from you. He had guy friends and family and other people to that with.

He places a value on his friendship. You only wanted what you wanted, you do not see or understand how men only reserve that for women they desire an intimate or romantic connection with, But you wanted nothing to do with that, and so he said later to you. And he was honest and upfront about it.

So that it, Bottom line, you wanted what you wanted, but was not going to provide him what he wanted. It you can hide behind sex, but that is not what it was really about.

[Asker]

I understand …so I did say that I wanted to take things slow and kind of start over since I was acting a bit toxic in the beginning.

We had already talked about that and he said he was more interested in developing a friendship.

So I am still confused on why I was rejected. I think he thought I was ugly

[Asker]

I text him 3x saying is it my face? Am I not pretty enough, ect…. I said I would get surgery

[DaveJord]

I am sorry this guy is not interested in you.

[Asker]

Well I know that…. I’m trying to figure out what happened.

[DaveJord]

Does it really matter, I know you think it does, but honestly it doesn't.

[Asker]

I feel like you’re defending a jerk and asshole.

But thank you

[DaveJord]

I feel that it is easy to label a person a jerk or asshole, or scapegoat men over sex... and it is a lot hard to take some time to step back and take responsibly for yourself, and your own actions... all this time you're investing ins trying to figure this situation out... could be spent trying to figure yourself out, in order to grow and learn from it.

But you keep wanting to intertwin the two subjects, as if you cannot achieve one without the other. That is false. This guy could be a total jerk. But if he is or isn't why doe sit matter.

You still have to address those things about you, so that you can grow and improve from this. You just want me to say; "Don't worry about it, this guy is an asshole, you are fine." Well, he can be asshole, but you are probably not fine either.

[Asker]

I don’t get how I’m not fine? I’m tired of being treated as if I’m unstable or insecure when in reality he didn’t make me feel safe.

[DaveJord]

If your insecure or unstable you will never feel safe. It is your responsibility to do that for yourself, not his.

[Asker]

I understand that it’s not his responsibility but a man does hold my happiness

[DaveJord]

Thats a you problem. Your happiness is your responsibility not his. It is still you not him.

[Asker]

It is him BECAUSE I wasn't EVEN TRYING TO TALK TO ANYONE ON THAT LEVEL

[DaveJord]

Then why are your feelings so hurt about it? You're in denial girl, I don't know what to tell you.

[Asker]

No I’m saying that I didn’t even want all this. I didn’t want to catch feelings, get my hopes up or go through the whole hurt process. I wanted him to find someone else… I just wanted to be friends until he found someone else.

[Asker]

His intention in the end was to hurt me and use me..

He had no honest intentions of being with me

[bededazzle]

hard to say. just think more about what you want and your boundaries. this will help you figure out if the partner matches next time. if he really is treating you like a slut, that leads me to believe that he would want you for sex, right? sounds like you learned from the experience do you are already doing awesome

[Asker]

But how can a guy who seemed interested in me in the beginning and wanted something possibly serious …do this?

[bededazzle]

well it sounds like it’s in response to your pictures. do you mean that he’s being mean to you or just being sexual to you?

[Asker]

Sexual… but I told him that I didn’t want that in the beginning.. he said sex isn’t what he was looking for specifically

[bededazzle]

well, he was probably interested in sex but down for getting to know you. but you can’t dangle a piece of meat above a sharks head if you get what i mean. you could try having a conversation with him to explain the confusing situation. i think he should stick with his boundaries, but you probably turned him on. still, if he likes you, he will understand if you explain

[Asker]

And that’s fine… but men shouldn’t pretend to want something more and show genuine interest… getting to know you and then turn around and want sex.

I think he wanted me then didn’t want me in the end… he disposed me after the date..

He said he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he felt I was already emotional and he felt I would possibly be “crazier”….

[bededazzle]

i agree, but you’ve played a part. hey may have genuinely cared about you but lost control of his urges. but yeah, he probably wasn’t right for you the way everything played out

[Asker]

Yeah… in the end he wasn’t what I thought… I’m not saying he’s a terrible guy but I can’t get why he ghosted me.. I feel like he’s better then that but at the same time it screams “you weren’t good enough”

[bededazzle]

like i said, just understand better what you want, and you will meet the right people. glad you’re not getting stuck

[Asker]

I think the most puzzling thing he said is that he’s scared to sleep with me bc he doesn’t want me to become more intense or crazy

Does that mean he never wanted anything serious… he feels that I overreact and that I’m emotional… possibly…

[bededazzle]

i think he made it clear exactly what he meant. it doesn’t mean what he says is true though. but do you have an idea of what he was talking about? if it’s true, you can work on a few things. if it’s not, then it doesn’t matter

[AviatorTom]

You're sending out confusing ... and potentially dangerous... signals to guys. You're a virgin but you post sexy pics and talk of friends with benefits. Most guys would think you're interested in sex.

Ask yourself what you're really looking for and stop trying to be, or pretend to be, something else.

[Asker]

Dangerous how? I’m curious

I’ve already told him from the beginning what I want and didn’t want.

[KrakenAttackin]

WTF? Of course he just wants sex. This guy must be super handsome or you would have immediately seen through this. He does think you are a hoe because you post explicit pics, so does every other man who sees them.

This guy doesn't take you seriously (correctly), he just wants to check your oil and bounce.

[Asker]

But I’m not a ho… I’m actually a virgin.

But he never ever made me feel like he wanted sex… he was actually a bit puzzled because I told him that I only wanted to be his placeholder until he found someone better.

He said he didn’t want that… and he even said that he would rather not talk bc he didn’t want to end up liking me for nothing…

I ruined everything… he came with genuine intentions… I think bc I came off a bit unstable idk…

Sex really wasn’t the focal point… I just kept bringing it up bc I was scared that’s all he wanted

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... you are a mess.

[Asker]

How so?

[Asker]

Please explain🥺 please

[KrakenAttackin]

Why do so many women insist on playing stupid games?

Do you want a good man? Stop shit testing, stop listening to your single girlfriends, stop posting like a hoe on Instagram. Make your Instagram the profile of a WIFE who just hasn't been found yet, NOT a wannabe hoe. Your Instagram is your resume for attracting a good man who wants to be with you for the RIGHT reasons. You want to be in the "wifey" bucket, not the "sex only" bucket.

[Asker]

My pics weren’t down right inappropriate but he never mentioned those pics… he complimented my pic of me smiling.. just my face.

He showed genuine interest in me… but I’m the one who said I just wanted to be a placeholder until he found someone.. but he seemed to want more…

I started things off bad and did kind of give him whiplash… I must admit.

[Asker]

I told him from the beginning I was only interested in being a placeholder until he found someone else… I just wanted to chat… nothing else

[KrakenAttackin]

Who TF just wants to be a "place holder"?

[Asker]

I do… so that I won’t face what I just faced… rejection

[KrakenAttackin]

Asker... That's crazy. We all face rejection. You need to work through these issues with a reliable, professional, counselor.

[Asker]

I can’t always handle it.. but he could have been decent enough to tell me

[Grond21]

What is pk? And why present a false face? That means he didn't even have a chance to know the real you, as you lied about who you are.

Regardless, he sounds like bad news

[Asker]

I didn’t feel like it was necessary bc I told him in the beginning that I didn’t want anything serious. I just wanted to be a placeholder until he found someone else. I was just really in a depressed state… I just wanted validation.. I went about the wrong way but he never me feel like a whore. It felt genuine… he wanted to get to know me, talk to me on the phone… etc. He just seemed interested in me…I pushed him away and he seemed to try and understand me without pushing too hard.

I messed it up… I admit. I may have acted unstable … in which he mentioned.

Why does he sound like bad news

[Grond21]

He sounds like bad news because he's doing the same thing to you that you were doing to him. You were just using him for attention and validation, he was just using you to feel sexually attractive and potentially use you for sex.

No matter which side of the equation you are on, it's bad.

[Asker]

But he said he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he was scared that I would be more emotionally unstable

[Grond21]

He wanted to, he was just having second thoughts

[Asker]

Yeah that’s why I said… he wanted to sleep with me with no intention of making me feel safe. He just wanted to hit it quit it

[Grond21]

Yeah, that's what it looks like when he was using you. Would you ever use a guy again?

[Asker]

But we never had sex. He didn’t want to remember

[Asker]

I never wanted to use him. I liked him

[Grond21]

He still wanted to use you regardless.

Yes you did. You yourself said you wanted to use him for validation.

[Asker]

I don't know why to believe

He ghosted me so maybe or bc of my behavior

[Grond21]

Look at the actions. That will help.

It's possible

[Asker]

Over text he never mentioned sex.. I guess bc I told him that I wanted nothing sexual.

I blamed it on my behavior but maybe he really just wanted to use me by pretending he’s a good guy.

[Grond21]

Honestly I can't say for certain. I think it's most likely that he was wanting to use you, but there is not enough detail for me to know for sure.
We can definitely say that you were using him though. So maybe that drove him off.

[Grond21]

It's amazing how many of these situations you avoid when you are honest and act with integrity.

[Asker]

I told him in the beginning that I only wanted to be a placeholder until he found someone else… but no sex involved. Just chat…

But he was puzzled by that statement and asked why I would want to do that.. he said that he didn’t want that… he would end up liking me for nothing… he was going to stop talking to me… bc he didn’t want that…

I also asked him that I wanted to protect my emotional well being and he asked me what’s the safest way to interact with him…

I thought he was trying to make me feel safe

[Grond21]

That actually does sound like he was trying to make you feel safe. Why would you limit yourself and say you only wanted to be a placeholder?

[Asker]

Bc I wasn’t sure what I wanted

But in the date he asked when was the last time I had been intimate … and joked about me having a collection and saying I need to listen to my body that I need it

I guess bc I kept asking him if he just wanted sex…. Lol he’s wondering why I keep asking

[Grond21]

So he got too sexual and you were not sure what you wanted, so you just leaned on using him. Do I have that right?

[Asker]

No lol

[Asker]

I didn’t want to use him I just wanted to talk until he found someone else

[Grond21]

You wanted to talk for validation purposes, right?

[Asker]

No

Guys get lonely. I just wanted to talk

[Grond21]

Hmm. Perhaps I was wrong then. My apologies.

[Asker]

Wrong about?

[Grond21]

Wrong about you using him

[Asker]

He ended up telling me he didn’t want to invest his time if we weren’t going to have sex eventually. He said we can check in every now and then. Then said he hopes I find a man who loves me the way I need

I asked him… so you really just wanted sex… he said he wasn’t going back and forth with me bc I twist his words.

I asked him if he just wasn’t attracted to me he said there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m perfect , there’s nothing wrong ect… I just said whatever

But I was crying … it felt like a punch in the gut.

[Grond21]

What did you want from him that made it so hard to hear?

[Asker]

I don't know.. tbh

[Grond21]

You were disappointed about something. That's why it felt like a punch in the gut. What was it?

[Asker]

I was disappointed by what he said…

When he said “we can check in every now and then”… when he said he didn’t want to talk if we weren’t going to have sex eventually…

Like it was a rejection and it just stings … no guy who really likes you is going to wish you the best with another man..

I just felt disposed

[Grond21]

You felt like he wasn't interested in you, only wanted to get to know you to use you for sex

[Asker]

Yeah…

[Grond21]

That's usury. That's what it feels like

[Asker]

Yeah

Hurts like hell…

[Asker]

I don’t understand why he would do that to me after I explained to him that I was protecting my emotional well being

[Grond21]

Yes. You, along with all women, have a super deep need to be lovable. This is a good thing, but it means that rejection can strike right at the heart of that need. Many people try fixing the pain by medicating it with short term pleasures, or they seek validation from the wrong people. Either choice just ends up making the pain deeper.

In this case, you sought validation from the wrong source. He was never going to give you what you wanted, because he only was willing to offer shallow usury.

You need to seek in better places from better people

[Asker]

But how could he make me believe that he wanted more… he made me feel safe..

I almost need drugs to cope with this. I’m left feeling stupid, played etc

[Asker]

It’s just the things he said… it didn’t feel fake … he even gave me some truths.. like saying that I should take some time to myself before I date.. bc I was being toxic

[Grond21]

You have to understand, when people use others they will often say what they need to in order to get the thing out of them that they're wanting. Please please memorize the words below, because they will save you decades of hardship.

In relationships of usury, women give sex in order to get emotional connection, and men give emotional connection in order to get sex.

[Asker]

Yeah but I set a boundary with him already… I told him what I wanted. He knew he wasn’t going to get that.

[Grond21]

He has probably heard that from girls before, but figured he could convince you to give him what he wanted anyway

[Grond21]

That's not a boundary, that's an expectation.

[007kingifrit]

to tell if a man is interested in more than just sex with you follow this one simple test... see if he disagrees with you on anything

a man who only wants sex doesn't disagree ever

[Asker]

Hmmm, he seems level headed but not a pushover.

[Asker]

I don't know..: he seems opinionated

Like when I said I only wanted to be a placeholder he kind of challenged me on it.

[007kingifrit]

what is a placeholder?

[Asker]

Just someone who talks until they find better … but I didn’t want sex.

[ThrillSeeker01]

It's fine to post pics but you'll just have to learn to ignore unwanted attention

[Asker]

But it didn’t start like that at all… he was respectful and wanted to get to know me… they weren’t in appropriate … but I’m the one who just wanted to be a placeholder. He didn’t understand why I would want to be a placeholder… he said he didn’t want that and that he would end up liking me for nothing.

[ThrillSeeker01]

When he saw you as you were in those pictures he couldn't ignore his urges

[Asker]

I don't know but he ghosted me after the date

He did offer to drop me off at home and pay for my Uber..

[ThrillSeeker01]

Maybe he wanted something he knew he couldn't have.

[Asker]

I think it’s weird how he said that he was scared to sleep with me bc he didn’t want me to be unstable.. he thinks I’m emotional.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Nothing wrong with being emotional 🙂

[Asker]

I know that but I think it’s weird for a guy to say that… he just doesn’t want anything long term?

[ThrillSeeker01]

He's just making excuses. It sounds like bs

[Asker]

But why?

[Asker]

Did he think I’m ugly?

[ThrillSeeker01]

Nope, he was just too nervous to go further, I think. It wasn't your fault

[RavVid]

If you have given him that impression...

[tfan1]

What is a “pk”?

[JamesRandiDebates]

What's a "pk?"

[Asker]

Preachers kid