I got closure in the end but after like a month and me reaching out a few times

If I got ghosted but did end up getting closure… is that still considered ghosting?

HollyK21

Master Age: 34

2.6K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

I worry this has become Limerence😮‍💨 hope you’re doing ok!

106

Asker

+1 y
I could’ve told you that..

I’m sorry for stressing you out

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HollyK21

+1 y
You’re not stressing me at all love, sorry you’re having to go through this.

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Asker

+1 y
Wait what’s limerence again?

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HollyK21

+1 y
It’s usually a state of involuntary obsession, unfortunately. Usual signs of this are consistent and intrusive thought about the person, idealization of them (like how you think he’s perfect and deserves a high caliber woman), melancholic thoughts, and so on. I feel like this relates to what you’ve been experiencing…

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Asker

+1 y
He thinks I’m dumb… that’s the reason he doesn’t like me… he said I think differently…

I just know he thinks that. Everyone thinks that about me

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Asker

+1 y
… so you agree

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HollyK21

+1 y
Of course I don’t agree, you shouldn’t even be saying that about yourself.

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Asker

+1 y
It just really hurts… it was how disposable I felt

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Asker

+1 y
I need a hit of something.

You ever did blow?

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HollyK21

+1 y
Do you usually have this reaction when things don’t work out with men? Do you have anyone else you’re talking to? I looked at your profile the other day and you’re literally so pretty! I think you’ve just convinced yourself that you’re some big loser when that’s sooo far from the case. You need to get in touch with who you are as a woman.

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Asker

+1 y
I’m talking to two but you don’t understand.. I only talk to guys I like and see as potential partners

I’m emotionally invested in smart men who help me see things differently or portray some type of masculine energy I need

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Asker

+1 y
I also think that he was living a double life…

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Asker

+1 y
I am a loser. I’m not smart like girls like you.. he thinks I’m dumb and I felt disrespected by him

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HollyK21

+1 y
Why is this your conclusion? Why can’t it just have not worked out because you were incompatible? I hate that you add so much extra about being ugly and dumb when you’re neither of those things. I definitely understand wanting a certain kind of partner, why wouldn’t I understand talking to men I only see potential with? It’s a waste of time otherwise isn’t it? Chatting up a guy you have no intention with, that’s kind of how this mess happened in the first place when you think about it..

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Asker

+1 y
Noo I liked him ! I. Was very attracted to him.. I just had no intention to date bc of what happened… I went into this situation very blindly bc I didn’t think I would actually end up liking him and I didn’t expect him to be different..

It is something with me if he didn’t want a relationship. He wasn’t attracted to me.

Plus he discarded me kind of harshly

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HollyK21

+1 y
That’s what I’m talking about really, the fact that initially you had no intention of dating. I feel like we keep rehashing this only for you to ultimately say he didn’t pick you because you’re ugly and dumb and that’s not true. A while ago you were telling me you’d get plastic surgery when you were hurting, and even though you don’t do it anymore, your ways of coping with rejection are still toxic.

I don't know why you want to say these awful things about yourself but there is always a better way to move on past a guy. In fact I think we’ve said numerous times it’s bigger than him, yet you only focus on your grief surrounding him. Aren’t you tired of feeling like this? Don’t you just want to move on already? You spoke with this man for 2 weeks, at first I was much more understanding and although I still am, I am sooo freaking perplexed as to why a man you never dated, kissed, shared intimacy with, etc, has you so hurt and tied up like this… I really think it’s just because of potential lost. Getting rid of that scarcity mindset will change your world.

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Asker

+1 y
I can see how guys tricked you too if you can’t see through his bs… it’s telling on your part … ik I was in the wrong in a lot of parts

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known him.. I still invested my emotions into someone who came off as genuine and who I thought saw me for something else just prove it was all fake and how he treated me after Really hurt deep

Idc what you think about it.

If you want to stop wasting your time on me that’s fine. But I heal the best way I can

He just wanted sex

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Asker

+1 y
Go be happy with your happy ending and your fiancé. I’m fine over here

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HollyK21

+1 y
With how you’re lashing out I’m guessing I said some things in my last comment you didn’t like, as this is your usual response towards me when you’re unhappy. Honestly, by the time you were investing feelings into this man I think it was too late, because you’d already said you wanted to be a placeholder, just talk and that was it. Sorry if you take it back and wish those things were never said but unfortunately they were. All you can do now is learn from this experience and do better going forward. If you feel that way towards me then it’s really too bad, I’d rather not upset you and I won’t comment anymore going forward when I see these posts. I’m wishing you all the luck in the future, it’s all love on my end.❤️

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Asker

+1 y
I didn’t mean it like that

I just don’t understand how you don’t think he played me…. It wasn’t too late bc literally 2 days later I said I was willing to take things slow … he really wasn’t serious about it..

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HollyK21

+1 y
Well, I’m glad you didn’t mean it like that because it would’ve made me sad lol. Do I think he only wanted sex? I really don’t, only because it’s so easy for men to get. If he’s as high caliber as you say, then women aren’t an issue for him, so why would he bother talking for you during the time he did, take you on a date, pay for the date… men who just wanna get laid won’t do all that.

I believe that as a non-virgin male sex was an aspect but not “all”. Like I said, I don’t think anyone is faultless, he was wrong for ghosting. Everything else just sounds like you won't be happy with any other outcome than a relationship from him.

If this is all healing for you then hey more power to you, I just don’t see how you’re able to heal when you refuse to make peace with things being over.

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Asker

+1 y
Ofc I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop talking to you. You’re my online bestie/ sis🥹❤️

I feel like the trans thing is the reason he can’t commit… idk… like he’s struggling with his sexuality

I just feel like men WILL indeed do that to get laid…

But I thought I told you I saw him at the store with someone else two weeks after our date…

I don't know for sure if it were him but I was so red I couldn’t see his face… bc I was so angry my vision blurred

But it was his same build and accent … everything… and ofc I wasn’t there to him

That’s why I had my friend curse him out… but he was in the hospital that day.. which was the next day

I just feel like he had a girlfriend this whole time or something I don't know

He was open to telling me a whole lot about himself. He lied about his name… even on the date he barely wanted to tell me…

And I think it’s weird he picked a location near me vs near him… we are 5 miles apart but still…

Also if he didn’t want sex he should have had no problem telling me on the date that it wasn’t going to work…
He would not have ghosted like that

Also we both agreed that we weren’t ready for a relationship… I had him go first bc I knew he was going to say that I and I wanted to respond accordingly

He was wrong for how he treated me

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Asker

+1 y
He wasn’t open

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HollyK21

+1 y
Awe, much love to you babe!❤️ Hope you know I’m here for support and nothing negative! I don’t disagree with you, I know some men will go to some extreme lengths to get laid, but if he’s as big of a catch that you make him sound like, then I just don’t envision him having to do that. I really think that his time talking to you had good intentions, like I said before you’re a very pretty woman as well, so then there’s that. It just fell apart before it started.

Yes I remember you mentioning that you might’ve seen him at the store! In hindsight I wish you hadn’t had your friend call, I think that was a contributor as well, since she cussed him out too.

Even with saying you both wanted relationships, unfortunately he thought you were just trying to match him. I know you weren’t but I think he translated you not talking much as disinterest rather than nerves or shyness.

Him having another woman, honestly I can get behind that. It’s not unusual for men to date around, he definitely may have had prospects and ultimately picked someone else. Not because of anything you’re doing wrong, they could have history or any number of things. What was he in the hospital for? That’s too bad.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Honestly I think you just need to step into your confident, baddie era. You would never be so stuck on this man if you 100% knew your worth and value. It’s easy to lose track of who you are when you’re dealing with a lot of disappointment from men, they contribute a lot to your self esteem! However they do not dictate it, like this African man doesn’t determine you’re good enough, you should see that within yourself and be able to write his ass off how he deserves lol

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Asker

+1 y
The way he just ghosted… he def probably had someone else he probably liked more…

I hate that I live close to him. I would hate to see him around…. I just hate he did this to me….

I’m not saying he’s high caliber… he probably wants to be idk…

He does seem smart and he’s a software developer so ig he makes decent money

But the way he did me I feel he wasn’t attracted to me…

I wish I could have wowed him but I’m not interesting

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HollyK21

+1 y
Give credit where it’s due, never overdo it. You didn’t have enough time to know if this dude even deserves the praise tbh. Everyone is on their best behavior in the first like 2 months, so you were just seeing him with his best face on in those weeks. What if he’s not as great as he “seems”? What if he’s not very smart but made it through college and into his career? Can’t say you’ve never witnessed a completely incompetent person in a job where you’re like how tf did they get into that? Lol like honestly.

You’re putting a lot on your own value, like what if you were interesting, smarter, prettier, when sometimes it doesn’t even matter with men. You could be an absolute knockout and they still not choose you or even cheat. You know this. That’s just how it goes for some women, even the most interesting, intellectual and beautiful.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Yeaaaah, I can’t say living close to him is great at this time. Hopefully you won’t run into him, at least not any time soon!

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Asker

+1 y
Well he’s the senior lead at his company… so it says on LinkedIn..

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Asker

+1 y
You’re right but I don’t think that was the case here.. I always wonder if he’s going to “check in”

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HollyK21

+1 y
Even the CEO isn’t always the smartest! I’m serious, I have seen people in high position jobs who weren’t as smart or even as deserving as the person under them. Bankers, lawyers, furniture salespeople lol you name it. Not even saying that to make you feel better, it’s a real fact. I don’t give my respect or high regards to anyone who didn’t actually earn it and you shouldn’t either. As for if he’s going to check in, it seems like guys always spin the block at least once lol so who knows, maybe he will but I’m really hoping he doesn’t. I think despite everything you’d give him another chance right now since you still like him, and he does not deserve it.

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Asker

+1 y
If he feels he can do better so be it. I think he can

I’m not smart
I pop pills and I have a lot of issues

Some hinted at me possibly having bpd but I don't know

It is what it is.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Pills and stuff are cool for a quick high but eventually you gotta touch back down to earth and deal with your shit. You’ve been running from your trauma for years. What’s happened with therapy? Leave it to the professionals to diagnose something like that.

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Asker

+1 y
Trying to find insurance… inexpensive

I missed the deadline to get it through my job.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Ugh I’m sorry, what about the mobile therapists? Same thing?

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Asker

+1 y
Yeah too expensive

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HollyK21

+1 y
Save, at least a couple hundred and start looking around online for even online therapists who don’t charge crazy amounts per hour (even 50 isn’t great but doable). I know none of us are rich and healthcare is expensive but this is one of those things you have to invest in. You’ve put more money into far less important things, mental health should be just as much if not more of a priority. Especially with how you’re suffering with s**cidal thoughts and depression. I know it’s not one of those things you hear a lot of people talk about, like going to the dentist or doctor, but it doesn’t make it less important.

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HollyK21

+1 y
There’s a lot of therapist where consultations are free, you can use that to get an idea of not only payments but what advice and wisdom can that person offer you. I think coping mechanisms and confidence building would be great areas of your life to get help on navigating.

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Asker

+1 y
I’m really trying to find a good black therapist that specializes in certain areas

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Asker

+1 y
But I am really really depressed… thats why I didn’t want to talk to him on that level… I feel like it was all selfish… bc I cared about his feelings but in the end he did not care about mine. He treated me a bit bad… maybe he feels he’s better or he can do better…

I didn’t want this.

I feel like every wound opened up

I definitely feel like I’m not good enough and I’m spiraling bc I already knew that before talking to him.. being a placeholder should tell you that..

I’m at work looking at all my female colleagues that are so smart and look good.. and I think wow if they talked it wouldn’t probably be bad… they would have got fufu

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HollyK21

+1 y
Yesss a black therapist is the key! But even just being around black women who are nurturing and uplifting can do wonders. It’s just a different vibe than friends of other races, women of color understand one another on a different level, it’s very grounding.

Gosh, I feel so bad. It was probably never a good idea to date him or anyone at all right now, but what’s done is done. You are a very good person and smarter than you think, but you’ll never realize that if you keep being so hard on yourself.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Ohhh the fufu lol hey, you have access to the same African spots in your city (unless he’s making it from scratch), you never needed him to try it. Go have your own experiences, they are just as rewarding.

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Asker

+1 y
Are you black or mixed?

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HollyK21

+1 y
I am mixed!☺️

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Asker

+1 y
Ohh ok

That’s you in the profile?

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Asker

+1 y
I wish I was mixed. Being a regular black girl isn’t enough in the words of little kim

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HollyK21

+1 y
Oh no, not me but I felt it was close enough at least with the hair lol I used to have one up, but unfortunately there’s a stalkerish person on here who pops up every now and then threatening me or trying to figure out who or where I am. Last profile he has was KillHollyk21! Lol good grief. You are fine just as you are if that’s you in your pic! I just think this whole situation has you feeling bad about yourself and you have to come out of that rut babe.

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Asker

+1 y
It’s me but maybe I’m not pretty in person. That pic was from 2021.

If he was able to deal with my perceived craziness in our talking stage why did he decide that I wasn’t enough now? That makes no sense

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HollyK21

+1 y
Why do you think you weren’t enough? I don’t think you were crazy at all, but some actions could have been overwhelming.

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Asker

+1 y
I just read a good quote

A good connection can be ruined over the simple fact that you miscommunicated or chose not to communicate.
A good connection can easily be lost because you choose to ghost instead of speaking about your fears, feelings, and intentions.

His intentions weren’t

I don’t feel good enough bc of how he treated me after… why agree to a date if he didn’t think I was perfect and a mess?

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HollyK21

+1 y
Sorry for responding so long after love, that’s a great quote, I’ve heard one similar and there’s definitely a lot of wisdom in it. The only flaw with the use of it is the whole “good connection”, I don’t feel like you two ever really got the chance to build one. Of course it’s also a matter of perception, but when I envision a good connection, I think of two people that have been vibing, hanging out/dating, really enjoying each other. Then again, the next person may think a good connection is just two people giving each other a chance. I think both versions work.

The most I can personally attach from that quote to this situation is the last part about him choosing to ghost rather than communicate, but that mainly applies to before you finally reached him and had that last conversation.

Now in present time, it’s like he gave you closure, but it wasn’t what you wanted. That’s why I don’t think you would’ve been happy with anything other than him wanting to try again. You would feel much better now if he came back, apologizing deeply and wanting to give things another shot. You won’t agree with him walking away no matter what, and will not stop creating your own reasons why that happened. You’ve said horrible things about yourself surrounding this lost connection, which alone tells me you should sock away some cash and invest in therapy. It just isn’t normal or healthy to feel such an incredible loss after 2 weeks. You would’ve had to have fallen head over heels in love with this guy not to just chop it up to simply a failed talking how not only he is but many will as well.

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Asker

+1 y
Again, if he felt he can do better and that I’m “unstable “ in his words then why agree to date? And he basically hated me after.. I was quickly disposed

I just think he had another bitch this whole time but.. I’m going to try and let it go.. I literally think about this 24/7… asking everyone on different forums what they think… I have become obsessed.. but I’ll just say it was meant to be this way… maybe god was looking out for me bc maybe things would have worked between us and then I find out he likes trans women later on and it ends up hurting me even worse I don't know

But I’m guessing he has options and I think that was him at the store with another girl. She seemed happy if that was them.. I was too red Lmaoo

I don’t want to spend 360 every 3 weeks for better help…. 100 is the most I’ll pay

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Asker

+1 y
Agree to a date?

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HollyK21

+1 y
Yeah, that is kinda pricey I won’t lie, but maybe even like one or two sessions and not a regular thing, they could give you some good feedback even in that time.

I agree, it was meant to be this way and I have to tell myself the same thing all the time. Gods got his hand on everything you do, he also knows our weaknesses and strengths. For some unforeseen reason, this man was not meant for you, gay, straight, single, or taken, it just wasn’t meant to be. We could toss assumptions and theories around all we want about the trans person, this man’s sexuality, etc etc but at the end of the day it just doesn’t matter anymore.

You have to pick yourself up and move on. Find some distractions, keep yourself busy, this is going to pass, there’s just no other choice.

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Asker

+1 y
Yeah I should just go ahead… this has impacted every aspect of my life right now… my performance at my job, my mental health and relationship with my family… I’ve been isolating my bc I feel so much more unconfident and angry and very sad…

I regret not standing up for myself and telling him off during our last phone call… I know it’s over but I was just so happy to hear from him again I didn’t really process all that was said

When he said “I have other priorities and I’m stressed at work “…. OKAY N**** you don’t think I do too?…. Yiu think I want to be at work thinking about what I did wrong 24/7 or if something is wrong with me…

Or when he said “we can check in now and then”…… I should have told him that I felt that was disrespectful as fuck and no I’m not interested in checking in.

Ultimately I should have just told him how I really felt but it all went away when he called… and I hate that in the end when he said he was stressed I told him he could talk to me ect… being supportive ect… just ugh.. I hate myself for how everything went bc I knew this would all happen

He admitted he didn’t like how things started but who cares

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Asker

+1 y
Even on the phone I didn’t matter

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Asker

+1 y
I cared about his feelings in the beginning even when I didn’t really want anything I didn’t want him to feel less then and I even tried to give it a try…. Just for him to have no decency… to just say I’m not interested….

It wasn’t just sex he rejected me for… it was more bc he could have easily said that on the date in which he did hint at I will admit

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Asker

+1 y
And you know what you really only cared about yourself… after I addressed his real name that’s when he decided to act nice and address it… now he only cares about his reputation.

He coerced me into having sex then his intention was to dump me just like he did now

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HollyK21

+1 y
Ugh, I’m sorry love that’s the absolute worst. I can have a whole laid out plan of what I wanna say to the guy, but then when you get in person or on the phone you clam up, it’s normal but sucks so much. Especially knowing there were other things you wanted to say that you won’t get to, it’s really frustrating and can make you just feel angry with yourself so I get it, I really do. When I think about having been in that position, my biggest advice is to forgive yourself, forgive him, and let it go. I know saying to forgive him is like wtf, but it’s not for him, he can go to hell. It’s for you, because as long as you hang on to those negative feelings towards him, he will always have that power over you and love rent free in your mind. Forgiving yourself just means looking at the things you wish you did differently and saying “it’s okay”.

Maybe him being too busy was an excuse, maybe not. Same goes for his stress and how he handles it, those are all things you can’t burden yourself with anymore, because it’s pointless. You’re feeling really down right now, I get it, but remember that you are loved by those who actually matter, and this man is just a bump in the road.

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HollyK21

+1 y
You’ve been isolating but maybe you should stop that. It’s Saturday night (at least for me lol), you should hit up some friends and go do something. Staying Locked away in your room, brooding over this man is the worst idea. Especially because you know he’s not doing that over you. He’s living his life, having fun, if anything that should be motivation to pick yourself up. Imagine how frustrated you’d be to run into this guy in public, he’s looking healthy and happy, meanwhile you’re going through hell over him, feeling like shit. It’s not worth it to me.

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Asker

+1 y
I just really let this man disrespect me… I asked him when he was last intimate bc he asked me for and he just chuckled…like… oh

I told him I was on whatever time he’s on and he said “no you’re not on my time”…

Just ughhhhh

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Asker

+1 y
Yeah you’re right I need to go out but I feel so triggered when I look at other women who look good

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HollyK21

+1 y
Girl you look good too stop that lol you just have to tap back into you confidence. Think back on a time before this guy where you felt better about yourself than you ever have, what was going on then? What were your activities, your favorite songs and things to do? I heard someone once say that maybe life’s journey is about getting back to ourself. We go through all these motions with men, family, just life in general and somewhere along the way lose track of who we are as people, but that person is still in you. I think you just have to find purpose again, find things to make you happy and get excited about that doesn’t involve a man.

Your world should never stop because a certain person isn’t in it. I’ve experienced some deeply traumatic, devastating situations where I totally could’ve checked out, found a drug or whatever but what does that do for the person who hurt me? I mean I’m the one who has to wake up with a slamming hangover or having my health suffer. Same for if I were to do any other thing that doesn’t contribute to my betterment, or would do nothing for the guy. He probably wouldn’t even give a shit. So it’s always, always best to act in your best interest because your pain is not on his radar.

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Asker

+1 y
NO HOLLY! Before him I was on the internet posting sxy pics for validation! I never had confidence.. I was doing that to gain validation.

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Asker

+1 y
“Your pain is not on his radar “….. OOFFFFF

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Asker

+1 y
The thing is I’m okay in my solitude.. I know my interest and what I’m good at… I’m a painter, I’m a teacher and well that’s it.. I bake cookies sometimes and I want to pole dance.. but I’m ready to share that with someone..

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HollyK21

+1 y
Never once you’ve had a period of time where you felt good about yourself? No judgement if that’s not the case, personally that was my reference point when I was feeling bad. Maybe that means it’s a good time for you to step into that era, uplifting yourself and building your confidence.

I know that line is tough lol it’s just sometimes we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and if you can’t do it then that’s what I’m here for! Honestly. That man isn’t worrying about your pain, so why keep going through it on his behalf? Just not worth it. I know what you mean about being ready to share all that with someone, and my biggest advice is to not only pray about it but to get yourself ready for him. You’ve said before that you weren’t in the best place and that’s why you initially didn’t want to date the African guy, so what’s changed since then? It doesn’t seem like you’re doing much better, still things to heal and work on. So why not use this time to focus on your betterment? That’s what I was doing before I met my man, it wasn’t easy because I was sick of looking and felt ready to date but I had to remember I’m on no one else’s time but gods. He decides when it’s time, so until then, figure out what can prepare you.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Okay, besides sexy pics, any ideas of what could make you feel confident? Without involving men or the male gaze preferably lol

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Asker

+1 y
I really feel like he didn’t like how I looked

But I’m not that attractive

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Asker

+1 y
How did he go from showing genuine interest to borderline disrespectful on the date?

It was my looks holly… I don’t think he was attracted to me

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HollyK21

+1 y
Well, what about the date to you feel was disrespectful? I remember you mentioning him checking his phone…

I think you’ve convinced yourself it was your looks, but you’re in your own head babe.

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HollyK21

+1 y
You know why I don’t think it was your looks? Because you were already struggling with that way before him. You’ve had it in your mind for a long time that you aren’t very attractive, which is something you have to unlearn. When things don’t work, the worst thing you can do for yourself is to shit on your appearance or make it all about you. What about him? What if he turned out to be a scumbag, cheater of a man? Maybe god was sparing you from that sort of trauma.

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Asker

+1 y
I think he tried to sabotage the date bc he wasn’t feeling it…. During our talking stage he never mentioned sex or made me feel disrespected…

But on the date I think he was trying to intentionally show signs of disinterest in me…

So I already said that he asked when I was last intimate and he joked about a collection which was said by someone who clearly doesn’t value me to even talk like that to me… but when I ask it’s all games…

He chuckled when I asked when he was last intimate…

Or if I ask if he’s talking to others… if we were sleeping together why wouldn’t I want to know just like you want to know when I was last intimate.

Or me saying to him….. when he asked me something regarding what I want…. I think 🤔 “I’m on whatever time you’re on”….. he said “no you’re not on my time “ in the most egotistical way

Like what do you mean by that

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HollyK21

+1 y
So during the talking stage he was respectful, but the date is when things basically went downhill. I already know you’re gonna say I’m defending that man when I tell you this (which I genuinely am not!) but I don’t think he was trying to sabotage the date, babe.

Already you said you weren’t talking much because you felt nervous or shy, so if he was trying to present topics and keep the conversation flowing then maybe he just isn’t the best conversationalist.

I also feel like a tone was being set all the while. You’ve said yourself that you’re the type to post thirst traps or sexy pics, which I’m sure he has seen and even from there, and opinion of you was being formed. Then came the placeholder statement, the semi-awkward date, all these things contribute to an opinion being formed as to whether or not he wanted to invest, and what was appropriate to talk about during the date. So I’m not saying it was cool for him to mention a collection, but clearly he felt it was ok to mention that, and was reassured when you asked for his body count. Of course that’s perfectly fine to know if you two were serious or getting ready to hook up but neither of those were the case.

In a perfect world you’d get a restart button. Redo everything from start to finish, but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately.

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Asker

+1 y
Yes so “hookup”.. that’s what he wanted and he just wanted to lead me into it…

Nobody who wants something serious wouldn’t say certain shit like that they would ask meaningful questions… he already said he didn’t want anything

You don’t understand that he’s the king of mixed messaging… lol

He has you fooled….

Again if he felt like I was unstable etc he should have never entertained me…

You still didn’t mention how rude it is to indirectly say you’re fucking and talking to other’s… that doesn’t make me feel good and evidently he doesn’t care nor does he value me.

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Asker

+1 y
He thought I was a ho and instead of respecting my boundaries he was trying to see if I’ll give in…? He never respected me holly and I understand why! I’m not denying it!

My issue is that he’s pretending and you don’t see that…. He just knows how to play it a bit smarter

You’re right the date went south bc he didn’t get what he wanted.

But I still think he wasn’t fully attracted to me

The way he dipped was weird

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Asker

+1 y
But every guy I’ve talked to has agreed with me and every woman I’ve talked to about it said what you said

Guess who I’m believing? A man!

Women are too gullible

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HollyK21

+1 y
Of course you’re going to hear exactly what you wanna hear from men when you do what you did with this question and post bits and pieces.

If I said “do you think it’s disrespectful that this man ghosted me?” what would you say? Absolutely! Or if I said “why would a guy take me on a date if he didn’t like me?” I’m going to respond directly to that. Mind you it’s all vague without full context, which is what you’ve been doing. The only time I’ve seen you post this story from start to finish is the very first time we had a conversation.

You wanna hear what you wanna hear, because it’s supposed to make you feel better when it hasn’t.

Anyway I don't know what else to say Chels. We’ve broken down the date and those two weeks every which way that we can. Unfortunately You take everything I say then mix and scratch it to mean what you want it to, which is surprisingly very similar to him say you misunderstand what he says.

If you’re looking for validation then keep posting parts of vagueness how you have but remember when you close the forum or the app, the issue is still there in your face. You don’t need me or anyone else to agree with you, it’s time to just accept the fact that it’s over.

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Asker

+1 y
Alright

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HollyK21

+1 y
Don’t be mad, it’s all love on my end❤️

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Asker

+1 y
You just don’t understand why I’m so hurt by him but you’ll never know. I’ve been kind of dabbling in drugs to cope but you’re right it’s bigger than him but he’s the cherry on top

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HollyK21

+1 y
Very true, I have an idea from my own experiences, but I know I can’t fully understand how you you’re feeling and why you’re so hurt. I have said it before in agreement, that this is definitely like the last straw or cherry on top, it was the last thing you needed to happen.

When I address the situation, I’m never in agreement with what he’s done but I just try looking at things from his perspective and think of what could’ve gone wrong. If I were sitting there with you having that experience, how would I feel. That’s where I’m coming from when I say what I say.

I’d really like to offer advice on how to move past this rather than keep deducting it, because I just don’t feel like it’s doing anything for your healing process. Even though you say it helps, it seems like you get worse and worse each time we speak. Aside from dabbling in drugs to numb your pain, you should stop running from it, face it and heal it. In a productive way.

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Asker

+1 y
I guess this is good bye for now 🥹

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HollyK21

+1 y
For now❤️ if you need me you know where to find me.

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Asker

+1 y
Hey Holly, I’m still struggling a bit again… going up and down. I might delete this app in an attempt to let go.

I’m realizing that I truly do have feelings and empathy for him. But what good is that when he thinks nothing of me

Nothing is working. I don’t know what else to do

I only mention the trans woman as an attempt to get over him. Still not working

I shouldn’t like someone this deep who I felt dogged me in the end

Thank you for all your help Holly ❤️

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HollyK21

+1 y
Hey there! I’m glad you reached out, but sorry that you’re still having a hard time with this situation.

I think a lot of this has to do with how you see the situation, and you have to reprogram your thinking.

For example, if a man breaks up with or ghosts you, he lost you and now you have the opportunity to find a better one. You didn’t lose love because you’ve always had love, for yourself and from the people in your life who matter. You had love before you met him and will have it after. All you “lost” was whatever he was doing for you, which was nothing since you never got started.

Even if he was giving you something, it isn’t lost either because another man can do it for you. That scarcity mindset, as if he was the only one ever, is a lie which you need to stop telling yourself.

Create abundance, which doesn’t mean thinking that there will be limitless options or spots, it’s just believing that no matter how many guys there are out there, there’s enough for you as well. Even if you felt like they’re all the same.. well, all you need is one, and you’re going to find that person.

Also, no need to thank me! I feel so bad you’re going through this but confident you will come out on top of this situation❤️

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HollyK21

+1 y
I’d love so much for you to gain your confidence and sense of self back. I think somewhere along the way, even before this guy you lost sight of all the amazing things about yourself that really need to be rediscovered. Right now feels like your lowest point but from where I’m standing it’s your biggest sign from god that the change you need will not be found in a man. In fact, I think men are worsening you mental state since so much of your sense of value come from a man’s acceptance. Men should only be a small addition to an otherwise fulfilled and happy life. I think you’d become incredibly codependent of a man to make you feel beautiful, confident and loved, which is why this African dude feels like such a loss. I believe you saw a lot of features within him you though would contribute to your betterment: a dominant male figure to take the lead in your life, giving you control and purpose like a father would. Someone to protect you, make you feel safe and “enough”. These are all things easily found within yourself that you lost sight of.

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Asker

+1 y
I felt just as shitty before about myself and tbh I didn’t feel that loved before him.. that’s why I did what I did. But you’re right it all comes from within. I took some steps today as far as taking care of my hygiene bc I was lacking for awhile.

… I finally found a therapist.. we haven’t spoke just yet but I think it’s time to get off… I got kicked out of Reddit for spam questions… like these… that’s when I figured it’s time to maybe get off..

I still deeply want to know if he’s struggling with his sexuality and if so why was he even trying to talk to with me… and she’s in the same city.. was he screwing her?

I’m glad I didn’t sleep with him or make him my first.

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HollyK21

+1 y
Well, feeling and being are two different things. Like your mom, sister, even your best friend can love you but what would make you “feel” loved by them? Sometimes what you need, other people are equipped to do. A man can show you he loves you in a way that those other people never could, and vice versa. You decide what love means for yourself and how it’s shown.

I’m glad you were able to find a therapist! Even if it’s like 2-3 sessions only, they’d probably be able to give you some feedback/suggestions that others wouldn’t think of, which is a win no matter what even if you don’t stick with it.

I’m also glad you didn’t make him your first, he wasn’t deserving and that’s such an important moment in your life, it should be shared with someone who loves you back just as much.

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HollyK21

+1 y
**aren’t equipped

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Asker

+1 y
Okay I’m done fighting about the trans thing since you love avoiding it…

Moving on now. And thanks again 🙏

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HollyK21

+1 y
I don’t wanna fight about the trans thing babe! Lol that’s all, because I genuinely don’t think that has any relevancy whatsoever to this situation.

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Asker

+1 y
You really don’t think that has relevancy not necessarily to my situation but him as a man… but it’s very relevant … I don’t understand why you wouldn’t care to think so.. that says a lot

I hope I didn’t offend you. I don't know if you’re trans or not but it is relevant

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Asker

+1 y
Okay holly. Take care ❤️🙏

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HollyK21

+1 y
Oh you never offend me! Don’t worry about that lol I get what you’re saying, but I feel like there’s no relevancy because it’s not directly related to why you two didn’t work out. Like what if that was him you saw at the store, and that was a woman he’s interested in or seeing? That alone would show he’s straight, but he did say he was busy with work. Whether or not you want to believe that is up to you, of course, but that’s the only valid facts we have. The whole thing with the trans woman is just a stretch in my mind. That’s all❤️

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Asker

+1 y
So you never heard about DL men? Lol

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HollyK21

+1 y
Oh yeah, definitely heard of DL men, but there’s no way to verify if that’s factual. You’re purely creating this idea based off the fact he’s following a trans woman, and I don’t find it fair to make assumptions about someone’s sexuality. Everyone deserves the chance to clarify that sort of thing.

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Asker

+1 y
You’re naive

But okay.. give him the benefit of the doubt

Do you think he liked me or still likes me a little?

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HollyK21

+1 y
It’s not benefit of the doubt babe, it’s just common courtesy and decency. I’d never assume his or anyone else’s sexuality and I wouldn’t appreciate having that done to myself in return. On top of that, I don’t see any relation between the trans woman and why you two didn’t work out. Why do you want me to say that he’s gay and chose a trans over you so bad? Would that lie make you feel good? Absolutely not, and it would NOT be fact. The only fact is what comes from his mouth, and he told you he’s busy. We can say that’s a shitty excuse or lie, but it’s all you got.

As for if he liked you, I said before I do think there was a good level of interest, but to have actual romantic feelings, I’m not sure. I would hope so!

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Asker

+1 y
I wish he knew how much he damaged me. I just have told him I was going to unalive myself I should have

He did the very thing I told him not to do.. If he knows I’m emotional and if he knows I wanted to protect myself then he should have cared enough not to ghost and at-least be a decent human being.

He ruined my life. Self harm, drugs and depression… he treated me how everyone feels about me.

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HollyK21

+1 y
I hate so much that you feel this way, but I don’t think it’s fair at all to make something so severe his or anyone else’s fault, not when you’ve been struggling with it for years already. It’s up to you to maintain your own boundaries, limitations and standards. You are angry with him for not doing what you should’ve done for yourself, which to me isn’t cool at all. Respect yourself enough to assure the men you deal with abide by the very simple standards you set into place. I don’t think you were in any space to date a man before even meeting him, you should’ve been healing your trauma rather than running away. You were fully ready to bring your broken self to the table, offer it up to him and hope he can fix you. That is not the way to operate, because your betterment and mental health is no one else’s responsibility but your own, and you’ve neglected it long enough. With therapy, you will learn how to manage everything you’re feeling, I know until then you’re going to be feeling emotional and unhappy.

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HollyK21

+1 y
I’m honestly so disappointed that something as deep as unaliving would even surface in your mind over a man you knew two weeks. Like damn, what about your family? Friends? This one man is worth your entire life? It’s ridiculous.

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Asker

+1 y
He gets no accountability… never does!

But okay… why argue with a woman who is engaged and who’s chosen.

He was wrong

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HollyK21

+1 y
No need to be that way❤️

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Asker

+1 y

Okay, I put it to rest. Lol

Take care and good luck with your wedding and future ❤️ you’re a wonderful person! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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HollyK21

+1 y
Thanks love, you as well☺️❤️

Reply

What Girls & Guys Said

Opinion

HollyK21 Follow
Master Age: 34 , mho 87%

+1 y
2.6K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

I worry this has become Limerence😮‍💨 hope you’re doing ok!

0

106 Reply
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I could’ve told you that..
  
  I’m sorry for stressing you out
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  You’re not stressing me at all love, sorry you’re having to go through this.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Wait what’s limerence again?
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  It’s usually a state of involuntary obsession, unfortunately. Usual signs of this are consistent and intrusive thought about the person, idealization of them (like how you think he’s perfect and deserves a high caliber woman), melancholic thoughts, and so on. I feel like this relates to what you’ve been experiencing…
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  He thinks I’m dumb… that’s the reason he doesn’t like me… he said I think differently…
  
  I just know he thinks that. Everyone thinks that about me
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  … so you agree
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Of course I don’t agree, you shouldn’t even be saying that about yourself.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  It just really hurts… it was how disposable I felt
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I need a hit of something.
  
  You ever did blow?
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Do you usually have this reaction when things don’t work out with men? Do you have anyone else you’re talking to? I looked at your profile the other day and you’re literally so pretty! I think you’ve just convinced yourself that you’re some big loser when that’s sooo far from the case. You need to get in touch with who you are as a woman.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I’m talking to two but you don’t understand.. I only talk to guys I like and see as potential partners
  
  I’m emotionally invested in smart men who help me see things differently or portray some type of masculine energy I need
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I also think that he was living a double life…
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I am a loser. I’m not smart like girls like you.. he thinks I’m dumb and I felt disrespected by him
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Why is this your conclusion? Why can’t it just have not worked out because you were incompatible? I hate that you add so much extra about being ugly and dumb when you’re neither of those things. I definitely understand wanting a certain kind of partner, why wouldn’t I understand talking to men I only see potential with? It’s a waste of time otherwise isn’t it? Chatting up a guy you have no intention with, that’s kind of how this mess happened in the first place when you think about it..
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Noo I liked him ! I. Was very attracted to him.. I just had no intention to date bc of what happened… I went into this situation very blindly bc I didn’t think I would actually end up liking him and I didn’t expect him to be different..
  
  It is something with me if he didn’t want a relationship. He wasn’t attracted to me.
  
  Plus he discarded me kind of harshly
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  That’s what I’m talking about really, the fact that initially you had no intention of dating. I feel like we keep rehashing this only for you to ultimately say he didn’t pick you because you’re ugly and dumb and that’s not true. A while ago you were telling me you’d get plastic surgery when you were hurting, and even though you don’t do it anymore, your ways of coping with rejection are still toxic.
  
  I don't know why you want to say these awful things about yourself but there is always a better way to move on past a guy. In fact I think we’ve said numerous times it’s bigger than him, yet you only focus on your grief surrounding him. Aren’t you tired of feeling like this? Don’t you just want to move on already? You spoke with this man for 2 weeks, at first I was much more understanding and although I still am, I am sooo freaking perplexed as to why a man you never dated, kissed, shared intimacy with, etc, has you so hurt and tied up like this… I really think it’s just because of potential lost. Getting rid of that scarcity mindset will change your world.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I can see how guys tricked you too if you can’t see through his bs… it’s telling on your part … ik I was in the wrong in a lot of parts
  
  It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known him.. I still invested my emotions into someone who came off as genuine and who I thought saw me for something else just prove it was all fake and how he treated me after Really hurt deep
  
  Idc what you think about it.
  
  If you want to stop wasting your time on me that’s fine. But I heal the best way I can
  
  He just wanted sex
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Go be happy with your happy ending and your fiancé. I’m fine over here
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  With how you’re lashing out I’m guessing I said some things in my last comment you didn’t like, as this is your usual response towards me when you’re unhappy. Honestly, by the time you were investing feelings into this man I think it was too late, because you’d already said you wanted to be a placeholder, just talk and that was it. Sorry if you take it back and wish those things were never said but unfortunately they were. All you can do now is learn from this experience and do better going forward. If you feel that way towards me then it’s really too bad, I’d rather not upset you and I won’t comment anymore going forward when I see these posts. I’m wishing you all the luck in the future, it’s all love on my end.❤️
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I didn’t mean it like that
  
  I just don’t understand how you don’t think he played me…. It wasn’t too late bc literally 2 days later I said I was willing to take things slow … he really wasn’t serious about it..
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Well, I’m glad you didn’t mean it like that because it would’ve made me sad lol. Do I think he only wanted sex? I really don’t, only because it’s so easy for men to get. If he’s as high caliber as you say, then women aren’t an issue for him, so why would he bother talking for you during the time he did, take you on a date, pay for the date… men who just wanna get laid won’t do all that.
  
  I believe that as a non-virgin male sex was an aspect but not “all”. Like I said, I don’t think anyone is faultless, he was wrong for ghosting. Everything else just sounds like you won't be happy with any other outcome than a relationship from him.
  
  If this is all healing for you then hey more power to you, I just don’t see how you’re able to heal when you refuse to make peace with things being over.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Ofc I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop talking to you. You’re my online bestie/ sis🥹❤️
  
  I feel like the trans thing is the reason he can’t commit… idk… like he’s struggling with his sexuality
  
  I just feel like men WILL indeed do that to get laid…
  
  But I thought I told you I saw him at the store with someone else two weeks after our date…
  
  I don't know for sure if it were him but I was so red I couldn’t see his face… bc I was so angry my vision blurred
  
  But it was his same build and accent … everything… and ofc I wasn’t there to him
  
  That’s why I had my friend curse him out… but he was in the hospital that day.. which was the next day
  
  I just feel like he had a girlfriend this whole time or something I don't know
  
  He was open to telling me a whole lot about himself. He lied about his name… even on the date he barely wanted to tell me…
  
  And I think it’s weird he picked a location near me vs near him… we are 5 miles apart but still…
  
  Also if he didn’t want sex he should have had no problem telling me on the date that it wasn’t going to work…
  He would not have ghosted like that
  
  Also we both agreed that we weren’t ready for a relationship… I had him go first bc I knew he was going to say that I and I wanted to respond accordingly
  
  He was wrong for how he treated me
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  He wasn’t open
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Awe, much love to you babe!❤️ Hope you know I’m here for support and nothing negative! I don’t disagree with you, I know some men will go to some extreme lengths to get laid, but if he’s as big of a catch that you make him sound like, then I just don’t envision him having to do that. I really think that his time talking to you had good intentions, like I said before you’re a very pretty woman as well, so then there’s that. It just fell apart before it started.
  
  Yes I remember you mentioning that you might’ve seen him at the store! In hindsight I wish you hadn’t had your friend call, I think that was a contributor as well, since she cussed him out too.
  
  Even with saying you both wanted relationships, unfortunately he thought you were just trying to match him. I know you weren’t but I think he translated you not talking much as disinterest rather than nerves or shyness.
  
  Him having another woman, honestly I can get behind that. It’s not unusual for men to date around, he definitely may have had prospects and ultimately picked someone else. Not because of anything you’re doing wrong, they could have history or any number of things. What was he in the hospital for? That’s too bad.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Honestly I think you just need to step into your confident, baddie era. You would never be so stuck on this man if you 100% knew your worth and value. It’s easy to lose track of who you are when you’re dealing with a lot of disappointment from men, they contribute a lot to your self esteem! However they do not dictate it, like this African man doesn’t determine you’re good enough, you should see that within yourself and be able to write his ass off how he deserves lol
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  The way he just ghosted… he def probably had someone else he probably liked more…
  
  I hate that I live close to him. I would hate to see him around…. I just hate he did this to me….
  
  I’m not saying he’s high caliber… he probably wants to be idk…
  
  He does seem smart and he’s a software developer so ig he makes decent money
  
  But the way he did me I feel he wasn’t attracted to me…
  
  I wish I could have wowed him but I’m not interesting
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Give credit where it’s due, never overdo it. You didn’t have enough time to know if this dude even deserves the praise tbh. Everyone is on their best behavior in the first like 2 months, so you were just seeing him with his best face on in those weeks. What if he’s not as great as he “seems”? What if he’s not very smart but made it through college and into his career? Can’t say you’ve never witnessed a completely incompetent person in a job where you’re like how tf did they get into that? Lol like honestly.
  
  You’re putting a lot on your own value, like what if you were interesting, smarter, prettier, when sometimes it doesn’t even matter with men. You could be an absolute knockout and they still not choose you or even cheat. You know this. That’s just how it goes for some women, even the most interesting, intellectual and beautiful.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Yeaaaah, I can’t say living close to him is great at this time. Hopefully you won’t run into him, at least not any time soon!
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Well he’s the senior lead at his company… so it says on LinkedIn..
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  You’re right but I don’t think that was the case here.. I always wonder if he’s going to “check in”
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Even the CEO isn’t always the smartest! I’m serious, I have seen people in high position jobs who weren’t as smart or even as deserving as the person under them. Bankers, lawyers, furniture salespeople lol you name it. Not even saying that to make you feel better, it’s a real fact. I don’t give my respect or high regards to anyone who didn’t actually earn it and you shouldn’t either. As for if he’s going to check in, it seems like guys always spin the block at least once lol so who knows, maybe he will but I’m really hoping he doesn’t. I think despite everything you’d give him another chance right now since you still like him, and he does not deserve it.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  If he feels he can do better so be it. I think he can
  
  I’m not smart
  I pop pills and I have a lot of issues
  
  Some hinted at me possibly having bpd but I don't know
  
  It is what it is.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Pills and stuff are cool for a quick high but eventually you gotta touch back down to earth and deal with your shit. You’ve been running from your trauma for years. What’s happened with therapy? Leave it to the professionals to diagnose something like that.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Trying to find insurance… inexpensive
  
  I missed the deadline to get it through my job.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Ugh I’m sorry, what about the mobile therapists? Same thing?
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Yeah too expensive
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Save, at least a couple hundred and start looking around online for even online therapists who don’t charge crazy amounts per hour (even 50 isn’t great but doable). I know none of us are rich and healthcare is expensive but this is one of those things you have to invest in. You’ve put more money into far less important things, mental health should be just as much if not more of a priority. Especially with how you’re suffering with s**cidal thoughts and depression. I know it’s not one of those things you hear a lot of people talk about, like going to the dentist or doctor, but it doesn’t make it less important.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  There’s a lot of therapist where consultations are free, you can use that to get an idea of not only payments but what advice and wisdom can that person offer you. I think coping mechanisms and confidence building would be great areas of your life to get help on navigating.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I’m really trying to find a good black therapist that specializes in certain areas
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  But I am really really depressed… thats why I didn’t want to talk to him on that level… I feel like it was all selfish… bc I cared about his feelings but in the end he did not care about mine. He treated me a bit bad… maybe he feels he’s better or he can do better…
  
  I didn’t want this.
  
  I feel like every wound opened up
  
  I definitely feel like I’m not good enough and I’m spiraling bc I already knew that before talking to him.. being a placeholder should tell you that..
  
  I’m at work looking at all my female colleagues that are so smart and look good.. and I think wow if they talked it wouldn’t probably be bad… they would have got fufu
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Yesss a black therapist is the key! But even just being around black women who are nurturing and uplifting can do wonders. It’s just a different vibe than friends of other races, women of color understand one another on a different level, it’s very grounding.
  
  Gosh, I feel so bad. It was probably never a good idea to date him or anyone at all right now, but what’s done is done. You are a very good person and smarter than you think, but you’ll never realize that if you keep being so hard on yourself.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Ohhh the fufu lol hey, you have access to the same African spots in your city (unless he’s making it from scratch), you never needed him to try it. Go have your own experiences, they are just as rewarding.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Are you black or mixed?
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  I am mixed!☺️
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Ohh ok
  
  That’s you in the profile?
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I wish I was mixed. Being a regular black girl isn’t enough in the words of little kim
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Oh no, not me but I felt it was close enough at least with the hair lol I used to have one up, but unfortunately there’s a stalkerish person on here who pops up every now and then threatening me or trying to figure out who or where I am. Last profile he has was KillHollyk21! Lol good grief. You are fine just as you are if that’s you in your pic! I just think this whole situation has you feeling bad about yourself and you have to come out of that rut babe.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  It’s me but maybe I’m not pretty in person. That pic was from 2021.
  
  If he was able to deal with my perceived craziness in our talking stage why did he decide that I wasn’t enough now? That makes no sense
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Why do you think you weren’t enough? I don’t think you were crazy at all, but some actions could have been overwhelming.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I just read a good quote
  
  A good connection can be ruined over the simple fact that you miscommunicated or chose not to communicate.
  A good connection can easily be lost because you choose to ghost instead of speaking about your fears, feelings, and intentions.
  
  His intentions weren’t
  
  I don’t feel good enough bc of how he treated me after… why agree to a date if he didn’t think I was perfect and a mess?
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Sorry for responding so long after love, that’s a great quote, I’ve heard one similar and there’s definitely a lot of wisdom in it. The only flaw with the use of it is the whole “good connection”, I don’t feel like you two ever really got the chance to build one. Of course it’s also a matter of perception, but when I envision a good connection, I think of two people that have been vibing, hanging out/dating, really enjoying each other. Then again, the next person may think a good connection is just two people giving each other a chance. I think both versions work.
  
  The most I can personally attach from that quote to this situation is the last part about him choosing to ghost rather than communicate, but that mainly applies to before you finally reached him and had that last conversation.
  
  Now in present time, it’s like he gave you closure, but it wasn’t what you wanted. That’s why I don’t think you would’ve been happy with anything other than him wanting to try again. You would feel much better now if he came back, apologizing deeply and wanting to give things another shot. You won’t agree with him walking away no matter what, and will not stop creating your own reasons why that happened. You’ve said horrible things about yourself surrounding this lost connection, which alone tells me you should sock away some cash and invest in therapy. It just isn’t normal or healthy to feel such an incredible loss after 2 weeks. You would’ve had to have fallen head over heels in love with this guy not to just chop it up to simply a failed talking how not only he is but many will as well.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Again, if he felt he can do better and that I’m “unstable “ in his words then why agree to date? And he basically hated me after.. I was quickly disposed
  
  I just think he had another bitch this whole time but.. I’m going to try and let it go.. I literally think about this 24/7… asking everyone on different forums what they think… I have become obsessed.. but I’ll just say it was meant to be this way… maybe god was looking out for me bc maybe things would have worked between us and then I find out he likes trans women later on and it ends up hurting me even worse I don't know
  
  But I’m guessing he has options and I think that was him at the store with another girl. She seemed happy if that was them.. I was too red Lmaoo
  
  I don’t want to spend 360 every 3 weeks for better help…. 100 is the most I’ll pay
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Agree to a date?
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Yeah, that is kinda pricey I won’t lie, but maybe even like one or two sessions and not a regular thing, they could give you some good feedback even in that time.
  
  I agree, it was meant to be this way and I have to tell myself the same thing all the time. Gods got his hand on everything you do, he also knows our weaknesses and strengths. For some unforeseen reason, this man was not meant for you, gay, straight, single, or taken, it just wasn’t meant to be. We could toss assumptions and theories around all we want about the trans person, this man’s sexuality, etc etc but at the end of the day it just doesn’t matter anymore.
  
  You have to pick yourself up and move on. Find some distractions, keep yourself busy, this is going to pass, there’s just no other choice.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Yeah I should just go ahead… this has impacted every aspect of my life right now… my performance at my job, my mental health and relationship with my family… I’ve been isolating my bc I feel so much more unconfident and angry and very sad…
  
  I regret not standing up for myself and telling him off during our last phone call… I know it’s over but I was just so happy to hear from him again I didn’t really process all that was said
  
  When he said “I have other priorities and I’m stressed at work “…. OKAY N**** you don’t think I do too?…. Yiu think I want to be at work thinking about what I did wrong 24/7 or if something is wrong with me…
  
  Or when he said “we can check in now and then”…… I should have told him that I felt that was disrespectful as fuck and no I’m not interested in checking in.
  
  Ultimately I should have just told him how I really felt but it all went away when he called… and I hate that in the end when he said he was stressed I told him he could talk to me ect… being supportive ect… just ugh.. I hate myself for how everything went bc I knew this would all happen
  
  He admitted he didn’t like how things started but who cares
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Even on the phone I didn’t matter
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I cared about his feelings in the beginning even when I didn’t really want anything I didn’t want him to feel less then and I even tried to give it a try…. Just for him to have no decency… to just say I’m not interested….
  
  It wasn’t just sex he rejected me for… it was more bc he could have easily said that on the date in which he did hint at I will admit
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  And you know what you really only cared about yourself… after I addressed his real name that’s when he decided to act nice and address it… now he only cares about his reputation.
  
  He coerced me into having sex then his intention was to dump me just like he did now
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Ugh, I’m sorry love that’s the absolute worst. I can have a whole laid out plan of what I wanna say to the guy, but then when you get in person or on the phone you clam up, it’s normal but sucks so much. Especially knowing there were other things you wanted to say that you won’t get to, it’s really frustrating and can make you just feel angry with yourself so I get it, I really do. When I think about having been in that position, my biggest advice is to forgive yourself, forgive him, and let it go. I know saying to forgive him is like wtf, but it’s not for him, he can go to hell. It’s for you, because as long as you hang on to those negative feelings towards him, he will always have that power over you and love rent free in your mind. Forgiving yourself just means looking at the things you wish you did differently and saying “it’s okay”.
  
  Maybe him being too busy was an excuse, maybe not. Same goes for his stress and how he handles it, those are all things you can’t burden yourself with anymore, because it’s pointless. You’re feeling really down right now, I get it, but remember that you are loved by those who actually matter, and this man is just a bump in the road.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  You’ve been isolating but maybe you should stop that. It’s Saturday night (at least for me lol), you should hit up some friends and go do something. Staying Locked away in your room, brooding over this man is the worst idea. Especially because you know he’s not doing that over you. He’s living his life, having fun, if anything that should be motivation to pick yourself up. Imagine how frustrated you’d be to run into this guy in public, he’s looking healthy and happy, meanwhile you’re going through hell over him, feeling like shit. It’s not worth it to me.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I just really let this man disrespect me… I asked him when he was last intimate bc he asked me for and he just chuckled…like… oh
  
  I told him I was on whatever time he’s on and he said “no you’re not on my time”…
  
  Just ughhhhh
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Yeah you’re right I need to go out but I feel so triggered when I look at other women who look good
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Girl you look good too stop that lol you just have to tap back into you confidence. Think back on a time before this guy where you felt better about yourself than you ever have, what was going on then? What were your activities, your favorite songs and things to do? I heard someone once say that maybe life’s journey is about getting back to ourself. We go through all these motions with men, family, just life in general and somewhere along the way lose track of who we are as people, but that person is still in you. I think you just have to find purpose again, find things to make you happy and get excited about that doesn’t involve a man.
  
  Your world should never stop because a certain person isn’t in it. I’ve experienced some deeply traumatic, devastating situations where I totally could’ve checked out, found a drug or whatever but what does that do for the person who hurt me? I mean I’m the one who has to wake up with a slamming hangover or having my health suffer. Same for if I were to do any other thing that doesn’t contribute to my betterment, or would do nothing for the guy. He probably wouldn’t even give a shit. So it’s always, always best to act in your best interest because your pain is not on his radar.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  NO HOLLY! Before him I was on the internet posting sxy pics for validation! I never had confidence.. I was doing that to gain validation.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  “Your pain is not on his radar “….. OOFFFFF
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  The thing is I’m okay in my solitude.. I know my interest and what I’m good at… I’m a painter, I’m a teacher and well that’s it.. I bake cookies sometimes and I want to pole dance.. but I’m ready to share that with someone..
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Never once you’ve had a period of time where you felt good about yourself? No judgement if that’s not the case, personally that was my reference point when I was feeling bad. Maybe that means it’s a good time for you to step into that era, uplifting yourself and building your confidence.
  
  I know that line is tough lol it’s just sometimes we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and if you can’t do it then that’s what I’m here for! Honestly. That man isn’t worrying about your pain, so why keep going through it on his behalf? Just not worth it. I know what you mean about being ready to share all that with someone, and my biggest advice is to not only pray about it but to get yourself ready for him. You’ve said before that you weren’t in the best place and that’s why you initially didn’t want to date the African guy, so what’s changed since then? It doesn’t seem like you’re doing much better, still things to heal and work on. So why not use this time to focus on your betterment? That’s what I was doing before I met my man, it wasn’t easy because I was sick of looking and felt ready to date but I had to remember I’m on no one else’s time but gods. He decides when it’s time, so until then, figure out what can prepare you.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Okay, besides sexy pics, any ideas of what could make you feel confident? Without involving men or the male gaze preferably lol
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I really feel like he didn’t like how I looked
  
  But I’m not that attractive
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  How did he go from showing genuine interest to borderline disrespectful on the date?
  
  It was my looks holly… I don’t think he was attracted to me
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Well, what about the date to you feel was disrespectful? I remember you mentioning him checking his phone…
  
  I think you’ve convinced yourself it was your looks, but you’re in your own head babe.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  You know why I don’t think it was your looks? Because you were already struggling with that way before him. You’ve had it in your mind for a long time that you aren’t very attractive, which is something you have to unlearn. When things don’t work, the worst thing you can do for yourself is to shit on your appearance or make it all about you. What about him? What if he turned out to be a scumbag, cheater of a man? Maybe god was sparing you from that sort of trauma.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I think he tried to sabotage the date bc he wasn’t feeling it…. During our talking stage he never mentioned sex or made me feel disrespected…
  
  But on the date I think he was trying to intentionally show signs of disinterest in me…
  
  So I already said that he asked when I was last intimate and he joked about a collection which was said by someone who clearly doesn’t value me to even talk like that to me… but when I ask it’s all games…
  
  He chuckled when I asked when he was last intimate…
  
  Or if I ask if he’s talking to others… if we were sleeping together why wouldn’t I want to know just like you want to know when I was last intimate.
  
  Or me saying to him….. when he asked me something regarding what I want…. I think 🤔 “I’m on whatever time you’re on”….. he said “no you’re not on my time “ in the most egotistical way
  
  Like what do you mean by that
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  So during the talking stage he was respectful, but the date is when things basically went downhill. I already know you’re gonna say I’m defending that man when I tell you this (which I genuinely am not!) but I don’t think he was trying to sabotage the date, babe.
  
  Already you said you weren’t talking much because you felt nervous or shy, so if he was trying to present topics and keep the conversation flowing then maybe he just isn’t the best conversationalist.
  
  I also feel like a tone was being set all the while. You’ve said yourself that you’re the type to post thirst traps or sexy pics, which I’m sure he has seen and even from there, and opinion of you was being formed. Then came the placeholder statement, the semi-awkward date, all these things contribute to an opinion being formed as to whether or not he wanted to invest, and what was appropriate to talk about during the date. So I’m not saying it was cool for him to mention a collection, but clearly he felt it was ok to mention that, and was reassured when you asked for his body count. Of course that’s perfectly fine to know if you two were serious or getting ready to hook up but neither of those were the case.
  
  In a perfect world you’d get a restart button. Redo everything from start to finish, but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Yes so “hookup”.. that’s what he wanted and he just wanted to lead me into it…
  
  Nobody who wants something serious wouldn’t say certain shit like that they would ask meaningful questions… he already said he didn’t want anything
  
  You don’t understand that he’s the king of mixed messaging… lol
  
  He has you fooled….
  
  Again if he felt like I was unstable etc he should have never entertained me…
  
  You still didn’t mention how rude it is to indirectly say you’re fucking and talking to other’s… that doesn’t make me feel good and evidently he doesn’t care nor does he value me.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  He thought I was a ho and instead of respecting my boundaries he was trying to see if I’ll give in…? He never respected me holly and I understand why! I’m not denying it!
  
  My issue is that he’s pretending and you don’t see that…. He just knows how to play it a bit smarter
  
  You’re right the date went south bc he didn’t get what he wanted.
  
  But I still think he wasn’t fully attracted to me
  
  The way he dipped was weird
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  But every guy I’ve talked to has agreed with me and every woman I’ve talked to about it said what you said
  
  Guess who I’m believing? A man!
  
  Women are too gullible
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Of course you’re going to hear exactly what you wanna hear from men when you do what you did with this question and post bits and pieces.
  
  If I said “do you think it’s disrespectful that this man ghosted me?” what would you say? Absolutely! Or if I said “why would a guy take me on a date if he didn’t like me?” I’m going to respond directly to that. Mind you it’s all vague without full context, which is what you’ve been doing. The only time I’ve seen you post this story from start to finish is the very first time we had a conversation.
  
  You wanna hear what you wanna hear, because it’s supposed to make you feel better when it hasn’t.
  
  Anyway I don't know what else to say Chels. We’ve broken down the date and those two weeks every which way that we can. Unfortunately You take everything I say then mix and scratch it to mean what you want it to, which is surprisingly very similar to him say you misunderstand what he says.
  
  If you’re looking for validation then keep posting parts of vagueness how you have but remember when you close the forum or the app, the issue is still there in your face. You don’t need me or anyone else to agree with you, it’s time to just accept the fact that it’s over.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Alright
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Don’t be mad, it’s all love on my end❤️
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  You just don’t understand why I’m so hurt by him but you’ll never know. I’ve been kind of dabbling in drugs to cope but you’re right it’s bigger than him but he’s the cherry on top
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Very true, I have an idea from my own experiences, but I know I can’t fully understand how you you’re feeling and why you’re so hurt. I have said it before in agreement, that this is definitely like the last straw or cherry on top, it was the last thing you needed to happen.
  
  When I address the situation, I’m never in agreement with what he’s done but I just try looking at things from his perspective and think of what could’ve gone wrong. If I were sitting there with you having that experience, how would I feel. That’s where I’m coming from when I say what I say.
  
  I’d really like to offer advice on how to move past this rather than keep deducting it, because I just don’t feel like it’s doing anything for your healing process. Even though you say it helps, it seems like you get worse and worse each time we speak. Aside from dabbling in drugs to numb your pain, you should stop running from it, face it and heal it. In a productive way.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I guess this is good bye for now 🥹
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  For now❤️ if you need me you know where to find me.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Hey Holly, I’m still struggling a bit again… going up and down. I might delete this app in an attempt to let go.
  
  I’m realizing that I truly do have feelings and empathy for him. But what good is that when he thinks nothing of me
  
  Nothing is working. I don’t know what else to do
  
  I only mention the trans woman as an attempt to get over him. Still not working
  
  I shouldn’t like someone this deep who I felt dogged me in the end
  
  Thank you for all your help Holly ❤️
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Hey there! I’m glad you reached out, but sorry that you’re still having a hard time with this situation.
  
  I think a lot of this has to do with how you see the situation, and you have to reprogram your thinking.
  
  For example, if a man breaks up with or ghosts you, he lost you and now you have the opportunity to find a better one. You didn’t lose love because you’ve always had love, for yourself and from the people in your life who matter. You had love before you met him and will have it after. All you “lost” was whatever he was doing for you, which was nothing since you never got started.
  
  Even if he was giving you something, it isn’t lost either because another man can do it for you. That scarcity mindset, as if he was the only one ever, is a lie which you need to stop telling yourself.
  
  Create abundance, which doesn’t mean thinking that there will be limitless options or spots, it’s just believing that no matter how many guys there are out there, there’s enough for you as well. Even if you felt like they’re all the same.. well, all you need is one, and you’re going to find that person.
  
  Also, no need to thank me! I feel so bad you’re going through this but confident you will come out on top of this situation❤️
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  I’d love so much for you to gain your confidence and sense of self back. I think somewhere along the way, even before this guy you lost sight of all the amazing things about yourself that really need to be rediscovered. Right now feels like your lowest point but from where I’m standing it’s your biggest sign from god that the change you need will not be found in a man. In fact, I think men are worsening you mental state since so much of your sense of value come from a man’s acceptance. Men should only be a small addition to an otherwise fulfilled and happy life. I think you’d become incredibly codependent of a man to make you feel beautiful, confident and loved, which is why this African dude feels like such a loss. I believe you saw a lot of features within him you though would contribute to your betterment: a dominant male figure to take the lead in your life, giving you control and purpose like a father would. Someone to protect you, make you feel safe and “enough”. These are all things easily found within yourself that you lost sight of.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I felt just as shitty before about myself and tbh I didn’t feel that loved before him.. that’s why I did what I did. But you’re right it all comes from within. I took some steps today as far as taking care of my hygiene bc I was lacking for awhile.
  
  … I finally found a therapist.. we haven’t spoke just yet but I think it’s time to get off… I got kicked out of Reddit for spam questions… like these… that’s when I figured it’s time to maybe get off..
  
  I still deeply want to know if he’s struggling with his sexuality and if so why was he even trying to talk to with me… and she’s in the same city.. was he screwing her?
  
  I’m glad I didn’t sleep with him or make him my first.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Well, feeling and being are two different things. Like your mom, sister, even your best friend can love you but what would make you “feel” loved by them? Sometimes what you need, other people are equipped to do. A man can show you he loves you in a way that those other people never could, and vice versa. You decide what love means for yourself and how it’s shown.
  
  I’m glad you were able to find a therapist! Even if it’s like 2-3 sessions only, they’d probably be able to give you some feedback/suggestions that others wouldn’t think of, which is a win no matter what even if you don’t stick with it.
  
  I’m also glad you didn’t make him your first, he wasn’t deserving and that’s such an important moment in your life, it should be shared with someone who loves you back just as much.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  **aren’t equipped
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Okay I’m done fighting about the trans thing since you love avoiding it…
  
  Moving on now. And thanks again 🙏
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  I don’t wanna fight about the trans thing babe! Lol that’s all, because I genuinely don’t think that has any relevancy whatsoever to this situation.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  You really don’t think that has relevancy not necessarily to my situation but him as a man… but it’s very relevant … I don’t understand why you wouldn’t care to think so.. that says a lot
  
  I hope I didn’t offend you. I don't know if you’re trans or not but it is relevant
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  Okay holly. Take care ❤️🙏
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Oh you never offend me! Don’t worry about that lol I get what you’re saying, but I feel like there’s no relevancy because it’s not directly related to why you two didn’t work out. Like what if that was him you saw at the store, and that was a woman he’s interested in or seeing? That alone would show he’s straight, but he did say he was busy with work. Whether or not you want to believe that is up to you, of course, but that’s the only valid facts we have. The whole thing with the trans woman is just a stretch in my mind. That’s all❤️
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  So you never heard about DL men? Lol
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Oh yeah, definitely heard of DL men, but there’s no way to verify if that’s factual. You’re purely creating this idea based off the fact he’s following a trans woman, and I don’t find it fair to make assumptions about someone’s sexuality. Everyone deserves the chance to clarify that sort of thing.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  You’re naive
  
  But okay.. give him the benefit of the doubt
  
  Do you think he liked me or still likes me a little?
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  It’s not benefit of the doubt babe, it’s just common courtesy and decency. I’d never assume his or anyone else’s sexuality and I wouldn’t appreciate having that done to myself in return. On top of that, I don’t see any relation between the trans woman and why you two didn’t work out. Why do you want me to say that he’s gay and chose a trans over you so bad? Would that lie make you feel good? Absolutely not, and it would NOT be fact. The only fact is what comes from his mouth, and he told you he’s busy. We can say that’s a shitty excuse or lie, but it’s all you got.
  
  As for if he liked you, I said before I do think there was a good level of interest, but to have actual romantic feelings, I’m not sure. I would hope so!
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  I wish he knew how much he damaged me. I just have told him I was going to unalive myself I should have
  
  He did the very thing I told him not to do.. If he knows I’m emotional and if he knows I wanted to protect myself then he should have cared enough not to ghost and at-least be a decent human being.
  
  He ruined my life. Self harm, drugs and depression… he treated me how everyone feels about me.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  I hate so much that you feel this way, but I don’t think it’s fair at all to make something so severe his or anyone else’s fault, not when you’ve been struggling with it for years already. It’s up to you to maintain your own boundaries, limitations and standards. You are angry with him for not doing what you should’ve done for yourself, which to me isn’t cool at all. Respect yourself enough to assure the men you deal with abide by the very simple standards you set into place. I don’t think you were in any space to date a man before even meeting him, you should’ve been healing your trauma rather than running away. You were fully ready to bring your broken self to the table, offer it up to him and hope he can fix you. That is not the way to operate, because your betterment and mental health is no one else’s responsibility but your own, and you’ve neglected it long enough. With therapy, you will learn how to manage everything you’re feeling, I know until then you’re going to be feeling emotional and unhappy.
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  I’m honestly so disappointed that something as deep as unaliving would even surface in your mind over a man you knew two weeks. Like damn, what about your family? Friends? This one man is worth your entire life? It’s ridiculous.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  He gets no accountability… never does!
  
  But okay… why argue with a woman who is engaged and who’s chosen.
  
  He was wrong
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  No need to be that way❤️
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  
  Okay, I put it to rest. Lol
  
  Take care and good luck with your wedding and future ❤️ you’re a wonderful person! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
  
- HollyK21
  
  +1 y
  Thanks love, you as well☺️❤️
  
adam6402 Follow
Xper 5 Age: 24 , mho 42%

+1 y

What was the closure you got?

0

4 Reply
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  It was more so rejection..
  
- adam6402
  
  +1 y
  Better than wasting time and effort thinking you have a chance with someone who isn't interested in you. I wish I'd got that sort of closure from a girl I had a thing with back in intermediate school, that messed with my head for years.
  
- Asker
  
  +1 y
  It’s still messing with my head. I feel worthless
  
  Starting to cope with drugs
  
- adam6402
  
  +1 y
  Of course it's going to hurt but at least now you know not to waste any more time pursuing something that isn't going to work. Closure hurts more initially but goes away faster, the alternative is less painful but drags on for much longer.
  
  And doing drugs isn't going to help anything at all...

If I got ghosted but did end up getting closure… is that still considered ghosting?

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