Is it normal for a guy to be defensive when you bring things up that you don’t like?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of less than 2years gets defensive when I bring up things that I’m uncomfortable with. One of things was, money management. I told him I didn’t like how his parents are involved with his money (know his bank account number, gives him money, and does his taxes). He responded by saying why am I attacking him. Another is that he has a history of liking different pictures of girls in bikinis and he recently did it again. I officially brought it up and he said that he was just liking the photo because it was clearly a nice pic of her vacation time she had in the Bahamas. It was just “random” and he liked it and didn’t think about it again. He then got defensive and said you want me to delete my account? And I’ll just unfollow her, and I guess I just won’t like any pictures. I feel like if he truly respected me, he would not be liking other women’s photos and secondly if I tell him something that doesn’t sit well with me, then he would be understanding that I’m uncomfortable instead of getting angry. Am I right or completely reading this behavior wrong?

[Oliverlogan263]

Girlll, I'd be sorta sketched out if a guy reacted that defensively every time you brought up something that bothered you. A few thoughts:

- Normal, healthy relationships involve being able to discuss issues respectfully without getting all mad and blaming the other person.

- Him accusing you of attacking is a red flag - means he's not really listening or considering your feelings. Just getting defensive to avoid accountability.

- The liking bikini pics thing is lame. He doesn't need random stranger girl's photos on his feed to appreciate nice vacations, ya feel? Suggests he's not willing to respect easy boundaries.

- Money stuff would make me wary too. Healthy for partners to be financially independent as adults, not tangled with parents like that.

I'd have a serious talk when you're both calm. Tell him your feelings matter just as much as his defensiveness. See if he's open to compromising better or still makes excuses. Defensive behavior long-term usually isn't a good sign sis. Trust your gut on this!

[PointlessNonsenseGuy]

"Bringing up things I don't like" is sometimes referred to as "nagging."

How would you feel if your boyfriend told you that you eat too much junk food, and you're too clingy, and your laugh is annoying, and your clothes are too revealing, and you don't exercise enough, and you're too flirty with your guy friends? Would being around him be less fun? Would you wonder why he was always attacking you? Would you wish he could just chill the eff out?

The way your boyfriend handles his money is none of your business, unless you two are talking about marriage.

Him liking pics of other girls _IS_ your business, but only to a point. Does he also like guys' pics sometimes? Does he mostly like pics of girls wearing normal clothes, and only occasionally likes pics where the girl happens to be wearing a bikini? Or is he using social media for flirting/dating?

If you've got a list in your head of all the things you don't like about your boyfriend's behavior, and you're determined to change them one by one, you should just break up with him. My guess is, he won't miss you very much.

[bobalife]

100% agreed with @Oliverlogan263 guys like this are emotionally immature and will not take accountability on their poor behaviors. Quite disturbing and sad how the world can sometime normalize his behaviors as acceptable when it’s actually disrespectful and poor act of basic listening/communication skills. I think he’s not it…

and the fact he tried to say if he should delete his account, he knows you’re not going to agreed to it. If you wanna be petty like him, you can agreed to it lol. But I think he’s a waste of time and future emotional rollercoaster tbh.

[Account]

People have certain expectations and when those are not met they discuss things with their partner. The issue is that if their partner doesn't want to meet their expectations they do not leave instead they stay in unhappy relationships hoping that things will change, yet the resentment grows more and more each day passes by.
Then they find themselves wasting 5 or more years of their life or even their entire life with them even though the signs were already there since the beginning.

[HawkPerception]

I agree with you when it comes to the parents being involved with his money. A fully independent man should not have his parents responsible for any aspect of his money, unless they're financial managers.

But you are overstepping with him liking girls pictures on social media. That's not a big deal. And it's not like he's hitting on these women or cheating on you. Just because you're in a relationship with him does not mean he suddenly finds you the only attractive girl in the world. Please get over that immaturity.

As long as he's not openly checking girls out in public when he's with you and flirting with them, he's not doing anything wrong.

[Keyboardkat]

A lot of the opinions on here are right on, but I will add one thing: We guys CAN'T STAND the anger, or displeasure, of women! It takes us right back to being four years old with our mothers! So we have to guard against reacting like we did when we were four years old! It's not rational, its emotional, and one aspect of maturity is for us to realize what's going on in our minds and stop and think. One thing my wife told me many years ago when we were newlyweds was, "Just because someone gets angry with you doesn't mean they want you to die!" Believe it or not, that helped me very much in life! Maybe your guy needs to hear that, too.

[Purpleronnie]

I kind of agree with you on the liking of girls in bikinis , but it’s hardly a crime. Whether he clicks like or not you won’t be stopping him mentally liking it will you. On the money side of things , that’s not up to you , you dont get to offer your opinion unless asked. It’s really none of your business and I’d advise you to stay well clear.


I’m not sure that defensive is the right word here. Sure he is reacting but I wouldn’t say it’s defensive. I always say , try to see things from the other side and maybe remind yourself of all the qualities in him that you are attracted to and stop nitpicking.

[molonski2]

You are attacking him , and with little or no reason , on the money side if it were absolute waste or the like I could understand , but thats not the case , he lets his parents give him money and do his taxes = So what? Thats absolutely none of your business , at this point you are just the girlfriend , thats it , mind your own business.

On liking a bikini shot in the Bahamas' , So what again? Someone he follows is holidaying there , of course he can " like " the shot , and you should not be pursuing things so much to follow every dam " like " that he clicks.

I think you have an obvious need to be controlling , and if your goal is to drive him away , keep doing as you are doing , because you are harassing this guy for no reason at all - lighten up.

[HighValue]

It would be best if once in a relationship, both people deleted social media. Or at least agree that it needs to be private, only add people they know in person, no posting pictures without their partner's approval, and no liking other people's pictures without their partner's approval.

Liking pictures of others like that IS flirting, just like women posting provocative/revealing pictures also IS flirting. Both are for getting attention/interest from others which is cheating. The problem is that immorality is so common now that many people are shamed for having boundaries in a relationship and are accused of being "controlling" if they don't let their partner emotionally abuse them. It is unacceptable.

[RingOfFire]

His reaction is normal and so is yours for your age.

No one likes to be criticized even if the criticism is valid.

So it is natural that people get defensive. The question is whether or not they are willing to discuss it at some point even if it isn't at the first moment that you bring it up. That is the measure of maturity.

It boils down to whether or not they care about you and respect you enough to be concerned about something that bothers you. If they do not then maybe it isn't the person for you. You both have to be understanding and willing to compromise for a relationship to work. You should understand that he gets defensive because no one likes to be challenged on something and he should understand that whatever it is bothers you and at some point... maybe after he calms down, be willing to discuss it so you are not uncomfortable.

That's what good relationships are made of.

[Anonymous]

It depends on how often you’re bringing gi g up things “you” don’t like. If it just seems like you’re complaining all the time about everything than yes I’d get defensive, I’d get mad. It’s like women who accuse a man of cheating. He gets mad at her for accusing him. Then she responds well if you weren’t cheating you wouldn’t be getting mad or defensive like this. No maybe it’s because no matter how many times he tells you the truth you’re not going to believe him. That’s what gets frustrating, that’s what gets you mad. The way you wrote this makes it sound like you always have something to complain about.

[Anonymous]

Someone getting overly defensive is always a bad sign at the same time. Why are you focused on what he does with his money? You’re not married yet. If you don’t think he’s the one for you. Maybe you’re not bad and maybe he isn’t bad maybe you’re not compatible. Maybe there is someone out there who will meet your wante and needs, the same for him.

You’re not going to change someone so don’t even try. The girls in bikinis. If he’s lusting after other women this can be a problem. But you better not be liking shirtless guys, reading erotic books, or watching porn yourself or you’re a hypocrite.

Look…. You need to have boundaries. You need to know what you want. Don’t waste your time or a guys time if you don’t think they’re right for you

[Finchie40]

You should really reconsider your relationship with him girl he is manipulating you to think you are wrong , when really he is wrong. He will point fingers at you , to make himself a victim , when really he is the POS , He will never admit to you that he is wrong , he will always be right , Do yourself a favor and Run

[genericname85]

just understand his defensiveness correctly. it's him saying "keep your nosey bitch ass out of my shit. it's not your business". but he can't say it so offensively cause you are his girlfriend after all. so he can't afford to be as direct and confrontational as i just did.

like you're trying to controll him and make him change according to what you want. that's not how you lead a healthy relationship.

[genericname85]

like it is probably a good idea for him to stand on his own 2 feet and be financially independend of his parents but what age is he? 24? give him a break. he'll get there. it's not your place to push him.

[noohair]

I don't do the social media thing. Not my thing. But I do see his liking pictures as normal men brain behavior. The money thing is different. When I worked in a family business, my taxes were done by the accountant. My ex hovers over my daughter’s bank account.

[PeachyPie93]

He sounds pretty immature if he can't have a normal conversation about things without getting defensive. Just know people like this don't change so it will always be this way going forward.

[DarkLegacy]

Lol, officially, did you take out an announcement then. You are overdramatising things, women tend to do that. I bet you are guilty of this to. It sounds like you are just picking on him really, im guessing he will drop you soon.

[DrPepper12]

All humans get defensive when called on their bullshit. I don't have any problem with liking pix. He can look at the catalog and not order IMHO. I think there are bigger things to worry about.

[DishLady]

It’s normal for anyone to get defensive if you’re picking on them.

[DarkLegacy]

Quite right

[spartan55]

Sounds like you will be an ex girlfriend soon enough

[DreamLife7]

Why don't you stop whining like a little bitch and just leave if you hate him so much? The way he lives is none of your business. You're not his mom nor his wife.

[elaphe]

People tend to get defensive when people criticize their loved ones.

[thisAppIsGarbage]

I don't speak bad English enough to understand what your question even is

[Anonymous]

If they're a misogynist, yea, that's a red flag that they're probably abusive or cheating.

[Nikki1989]

Why are you with this guy?