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I have spent a few hours with old classmates a few days ago, most of them were guys. They said that sometimes they really dont tell the truth, especially when they feel like the question is threatening. They stood by the importance of honesty, although they felt like lies sometimes are needed to keep the peace when their partners are not the most calm type of girls. Some examples below.
One lied about the exact price of a car part because his girlfriend doesn't like to spend her money so he should not spend his either. Another lied about the exact place he met his (also guy) friend (he said they met a block away when they met at the friend's house), because the girlfriend used to make a fuss about "not being tired to go to your friends's house but too tired to go for a walk". I remember another saying that one time he said something that his girl found offensive, but that was not his intention, so he denied his own words because the girl would not have believed that he in fact didn't want to make it sound offensive.
So do guys actually lie sometimes so they avoid arguements or do I have all the guys in my circle that do it? I have to mention that these guys been living with their girls for years, they are supportive men, talking about their loves like they actually cherish them. One of them even worked over hours so he can pay for his girl's medical bills. So Im defo not saying they are bad people for that, Im just curious. (I also have a man who used to do this).
What Guys Said
I can't remember the last time I lied to her, but I'm certain I must have at some point. The thing is, I rarely do anything that would cause me to have to lie, as the last thing on earth I'd want to do is hurt her!
You are mature then. These guys are in their twenties
I've given this plenty of thought since you asked the question. I think what it comes down to is the parameters of the relationship. If the guy goes out drinking with his mates and he thinks it will cause an argument, he will lie to keep the peace. I don't drink any more, but if I did, I could say to my Wife, I'm going out with the lads tonight and she would say have a nice time, don't do anything stupid, knowing full well she could say something like that and be 100% safe in the knowledge I wouldn't! It's made me think actually, when people ask the most important thing in a relationship, and I say 'trust' and/ or 'mutual respect.' I think it's more than that though. It's the wanting to make each other feel there is never need to worry, whilst still being able to have fun and excitement.
I agree with you. Although, it also depends on your wife. If you knew she would nag you with things that you wouldn't do or with things that are unreasonable, would you stop doing everything you like (let's say you are in your twenties)? Because to me it seems that guys lie about things they feel like should be "allowed" but they are not. For example, partying for my boyfriend means sitting at the bar at a secluded table with only male friends. He doesn't have any interest in talking to females and yet I feel anxious and I would nag him. Even though I also go out sometimes with only female friends
Thinking back to my 20's, I always preferred to speak my mind and then face the consequences afterwards. If it led to an argument, I'd just nod yes until they'd finished, and I'd ask if they wanted to break up then.. Sometimes they did, other times they didn't.. I never really cared about anyone enough to worry if they stayed or left!
Well, that is the complete opposite end of the spectrum then. My boyfriend was always scared to lose me but sometimes found it hard to let go of his habits, that is why he rather lied
But he lost you because of the lies anyway, right?
No, I am still here. I just sometimes think to myself if he fibs because I cornered him. That is why I like him being mad, he is honest like that
I'm sure you know what you're doing, but you do get how that sounds to those outside, right?
Yeah I know. I dont like people saying that they are different, but I am actually different. I grew up around mentally unstable people. Which means they loved each other deeply, wanted the best for each other, but always ended up hurting one another. Out of this, I became aware of the hidden reasons for people being "bad". I differentiate 2 kinds of people regarding acting hurtful. There are the ones who are simply not good people, only taking and not giving, enjoying the pain of others. And there are those who want the best for you, help you, support you, love you, but they have unresolved issues within themeselves so sometimes during conflicts they end up hurting you. I dont mess with the first kind, but I can have the latter one present in my life. My boyfriend is the kindest, most helpful guy out there, always surprising me. He is just not able to stand up for himself in a healthy way. I used to have unusual anger issues. I could yell with people I loved. I could call them names. I did years of self search until I learned to manage it. My guy is the same, but not even half as bad as I was. He rarely calls me names, but when he does, he comes apologising the next day, telling me that I went too far and he snapped, and he loves me so much.
Thank you for explaining all that. I appreciate it. I now understand both you and your relationship far better than I did. Would I be right then in thinking even though you don't like lies, you could accept your guy lying to you, if he meant it to protect you from hurting?
Thank you! Yes, you are right, but you didn't guess it 100% right. I dont accept his lies because I know he wants to protect me, but because I know he does cherish me and love me with all of his heart. If I knew I was just a place holder for him, I would show him the door. But I know he is just immature. Lack of parenting and lack of parental love made him not understand anything about relationships. He hurts me when he is dumb, not when he chooses to hurt me. But he has so much great traits that I know he will mature over time. Also its impossible to not grow when I am there for him to demand responsibility and accountability. He is basically a person who is scared of commitment, yet I found him buying a ring after we have been together for a bit more then 4 years. If he finally felt like doing it, I know he knows he wants me. He just can't match my level yet. I have been there years ago, so I get his immaturity and unresolved anger
Even though it looks like a lot of hard work ahead, it certainly seems you have your head screwed on correctly and know exactly what you want. Ahhh to be young again lol.
Thank you, that is nice to read from someone from the outside.
It would definitely be weird to throw my boyfriend out. He is only mean if he feels like I nag him while trying to talk things out. If we can cut it short, he stays calm, its the long ones that can get the worse out of him. Although, it is worth to mention, that our average day is like yesterday, I woke up, made breakfast for him, he was smiling ear to ear. He went to help my mom out, and after that we drank some wine and played board games.
If I only type our arguements, I would also agree that we need to break up asap. But when you see the good, its obvious that we are just way too short tempered 😅
Yes I’ve lied before
Do girls remember when they are lied to?
Oh for sure. I remember all of the times. My boyfriend doesn't like confrontation, so he would twist things so we can be in peace. I am fairly sensitive and I can make a big deal of many things
That’s also been my experience. So if you remember all the lies, do you also remember all the times he messed up?
Yes. But most of them fade with time, I mean the hurt. It doesn't seem relevant anymore
So I’ll say that guys will obv lie initially. But they may also lie because of what you just answered; that you remember those times he messed up. So it’s a gamble at times to lie and avoid it. See how either way the guy is stuck?
That is an interesting approach. If you have any more to say, Id be curious
Go ahead and follow me
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