Guys, Is there any innocent reason for a man to ask a woman what she'd do if he raped her?

[Anonymous]

The guy who asked me this was my flatmate in a foreign country. 20 years older than me. Asked me out of the blue after sharing with me for a year and then moved out less than 3 months later (after I had told him what I would do). He was stone cold sober when he asked and we were not discussing anything at all that could lead to that topic. When I asked him why he'd asked he said "I just wondered" and I was too chicken to press further.

Updates

1 y

I can't think the question was 'precautionary' (what kind of rapist does a victim suitability survey?). Does a man who asks a question like that -and then moves out right away- have something on his conscience? Are men ever innocently curious about how a female friend would respond to being raped by them?

Updates

1 y

I'm not asking if you guys personally think it's an ok question to ask, we all know it's not, just if there's any reason you can think of why a man you know might want to ask, even if it's them being insensitive, just one reason that doesn't involve a guilty conscience.

[MisterWack]

No, I feel like that is inappropriate and would request to change roommates immediately to the front desk and tell them the reason why.

Only reason why I think someone should ask is if he was a self defense instructor and we wanted to see if you knew any prior moves / knowledge before taking his class however even then the instructor would simply ask, “Have you taken self defense before or know any moves/technique/procedure prior to this?”.

That is stupid AF and disrespect AF, it made you uncomfortable and he shouldn’t have said that. I don’t think his intention is to r*pe or SA, however if I were in that scenario I would request a different room / file a complaint. If a woman said that to me, I still wouldn’t trust her and request a room change, as a woman when a man says that it is even worse / horrifying like OMG so sorry for you.

[Kaneki05]

I mean maybe he was asking to see if you would respond with something that gives a hint you like him.
But if not then I don't know as it's a pointless question in the first place everyone would respond with some good defensible answer while in a rationale state but after been raped you no longer are so your actions could become whatever.
I am sure many say I would fight back if someone tried to rape me but of that many, many would freeze or find it hard to do so. Therefore it don't line up with what would happen anyway hence pointless question.

[lightbulb27]

That is a strange question... no idea.

[Loner111]

I don't think I could ever bring up this topic with a woman because these r topics, words u just don't mention when alone with a girl even as a joke.

There r some guys that r just... Wow, WTF.

I would think he's not mentally sane; change roommates or move out urself. I wouldn't trust him.

The fact that he moved out 3 months later says a lot.

In my opinion, whether it's a man or woman, when someone does something out of the norm, and then they leave their job, or move out shortly after, it's because they realize they messed up and now they're running for the hills... What they don't realize is that reputation is everything today, it doesn't matter where u toz u can't hide. U can run, but u can't hide.

There's no such thing as, I will never see them again. We live in a small world, when u least expect it, u can see someone u have been avoiding anywhere.

[MrOracle]

I suppose there COULD be an innocent reason, but the situation you describe doesn't seem like it would be one. That would be like asking someone what they would do if he tried to murder them. Creepy at best, and dangerous is probable.

[Asker]

Can you think of any reason at all a man would want to ask a question like that, innocently, even if not in this situation? One that's not 'I took advantage when you were too drunk to consent and I've been feeling shit about it and wondering if I could make it up to you without going to prison?'

[MrOracle]

I mean, if it was part of some serious discussion about the impact of sexual assault or something, maybe. But clearly that wasn't the context at all. Rather, what you describe is the thought process of someone who is seriously contemplating those actions.

[Asker]

Thank you.

[pethouse]

I don’t think there is any “innocent” way to ask someone that? Unless the dude has autism or something? Because Ik people with certain symptoms of autism tend to be bad at social cues and be very odd. Sometimes say out of pocket things at random without full thinking and understanding what they are saying/asking. Still a wild question to ask. If the dude doesn’t then I’d more than likely stay away from him. If he’s from a certain part of the world where rape culture is heavily accepted than I’d definitely stay away.

[AngryCarl]

No, there's nothing innocent about that. At the very least it tells you he's thinking about raping you, even if he doesn't actually intend to carry out an attack.

I assume you told him you'd cut his dick off and feed it to him?

[Asker]

I told him a lot worse than that. Nuclear deterrent level.

[RavVid]

I suppose there is a slight chance it was curiosity in some form but with 1 seconds of thought you know what answer is going to be given. So I agree it was very odd.

I am thinking it was a dumb arsed way of saying he had the hots for you and maybe causing you to think of him sexually instead of being an asexual housemate. That is the best "innocent" explanation.

[BarryLiverstone]

He may be ignorant on the dangers of SA. Were you and him friends?

[Asker]

We were friends and I don't think he was ignorant about the dangers of SA at his age and in that part of the world.

[BarryLiverstone]

It could also be his ego. Because he believes he would never rape someone, he thinks you also believe that about him because you lived with him for a year. So when he’s asking it’s not a serious question, he doesn’t think you would seriously consider he would do that

[BarryLiverstone]

Another reason could be that he trusted you. He may have been accused of being dangerous by someone else so was asking you what you would do if that example.

[Asker]

I'm not clear on the purpose for asking when it wasn't the topic of conversation at all or how it would be related to ego, I can't follow the reasoning to do with his ego? Why ask what I, specifically, would do if he raped me, out of nowhere?

[Asker]

Hmmm, that's a possible reason. I would have thought "what would you do if a male friend of yours was accused of rape" would have been a safer and more anonymous way to ask. It's weird he framed it as a scenario between me and him.

[BarryLiverstone]

“I'm not clear on the purpose for asking when it wasn't the topic of conversation at all “

May have been on his mind if someone else accused him or if he had seen a movie or read about it in a book. Also he could have thought it was a joke.

“or how it would be related to ego, I can't follow the reasoning to do with his ego? “

By ego I mean that he believes 100% he would never actually commit SA. That anytime he felt violent he will not hurt another person and it’s ego that leads to that confidence because he hasn’t been tested in all situations.

“Why ask what I, specifically, would do if he raped me, out of nowhere?”

Because you were trusted as a female living with him and he can’t ask a guy. He could have asked another female friend and for all you know maybe he did that week ask others.

[BarryLiverstone]

We don’t know how he spoke or how he framed questions. Also can’t know your life experience. Yes that’s a safer way to ask the question but when you have built up trust in someone asking directly he must have believed you would never consider it an actual threat.

[TommyMountainFigure]

There is no reason, except for deliberately trying to scare you!

[Yannae]

I'm a man and never have I or any of my friends said this. It doesn't sound innocent at all.

[JesseP1nk]

Stay away from this motherfucker. If he asks that question, then he obviously thought/think about it

[SotiCoto]

It doesn't necessarily mean anything harmful... but one would think most guys would have the common sense not to ask questions that are 100% guaranteed to be taken badly.

[Staximus]

No decent man would ever ask a woman that, only a scumbag would

[bobby_bush_eater]

I can't see myself ever bringing this up in conversation no...

Very strange

[KrakenAttackin]

People wear their pathologies in their sleeve.

[Iron_Man]

No, that’s horrible talk

[DrPepper12]

That's fucked up!!! Run!!

[handsomelad70]

None I can imagine.

[SmolSlav]

Run.

[RedInnocent69]

Um, no.

[shortster]

Nope.

[Taylor22424]

No, I don't believe this actually happened

[Asker]

Well that's on you. You might want to think about why that is.

[Taylor22424]

I already thought about it.

You are lying about all of this.

[Asker]

You have no idea what you're talking about. If you would never do this, fine, but you need to know that some men, who are normal with other men and seem ok socially, actually behave in this way, and a woman doesn't have to have done anything to provoke or deserve it. Women who you actually know and care about might need you to understand this one day. And wholesome women may lie, more often than not, when they say this happened, it happened. You're defending a guy you don't know, and calling a woman you don't know a liar based on your personal sense of disbelief and your ignorance. Don't be that guy.

[Asker]

*though, not 'wholesome', that's a typo.

[Taylor22424]

I still don't believe you...

Convince me you are telling the truth... if you want.

[Asker]

What you believe doesn't matter to me. It might matter to the women in your life. I'm not giving you any more attention. Go away and re-evaluate.

[Taylor22424]

Saying Go away and re-evaluate" doesn't mean I should automatically believe you...

And it does matter to you, given this LONG of a reply

"You have no idea what you're talking about. If you would never do this, fine, but you need to know that some men, who are normal with other men and seem ok socially, actually behave in this way, and a woman doesn't have to have done anything to provoke or deserve it. Women who you actually know and care about might need you to understand this one day. And wholesome women may lie, more often than not, when they say this happened, it happened. You're defending a guy you don't know, and calling a woman you don't know a liar based on your personal sense of disbelief and your ignorance. Don't be that guy."

You said all of this just to get me to believe you when that fails, then you say "it doesn't matter"

Another lie.