Guys would you marry a rape victim?

[Anonymous]

She got raped by her then boyfriend 3 years ago. She wanted to wait till marriage.

Her boyfriend kept insisting on living together first. She agreed on the condition that there was no sex. He came home drunk one night, refused to listen to her NOs and raped her. She hasn't dated since and sometimes still wakes up screaming and sweating. She's still in therapy.

She was my younger sister and her ex boyfriend is now in prison. She feels tainted and that now she can't ever share that moment with her future husband. Personally I was never into waiting but it meant so much for her. She's not sure if a man would still marry her. Would you?

Yes

No

Maybe, unsure

[ChrisMaster69]

Yeah I would.

The thing is, you really only know if she tells you.

The way it tends to happen is when eventually down that horrible road to some sort of recovery, they look towards dating.

However they interact with guys and or girls will vary hugely.

say they meet someone, it may be a year in to a relationship or longer before they tell their partner.

Imagine how shallow a person could be being in a relationship with a person for a year or more, getting closer and closer, then when they find out dumping them…

For some it’s hard to admit to a partner what happened.

Yes I would, however I would also advice any partner of a rape or historical abuse survivor to also attend counselling with them, there is special counselling for partners available.

it is hard to live with a person with trauma, this can be any trauma tbh, however with the likes of rape and abuse it can greatly impact how much simple stuff like cuddling, touching occurs, never mind sex.

I can fully understand the waking up screaming, it’s something I’ve done for years, the joys of Depression and PTSD.

At this point i am going to steal a MyTake by @aerissa_jade

I am NOT defined by my Scars "A Survivors Account"

How I was able to get through my Haphephobia: Fear of a mans touch!

All the best for your sister and for your support for her.

[DaveJord]

Honestly, I don't date or am attracted to women with insecurities. So it would depend on how well she deals with the her insecurities over dating, relationships and sex. I know it is not her fault, but we are all victims of our past experiences and obviously in this case it was pretty traumatic. So my heart goes out to her.

In this case given everything you have provided, I would most likely never date or want to date someone who is still dealing with this type of issue. Not because I think she's tainted... I would never say or think that... but more because I am in a different place in my life.

I have dealt with my own issues and problems. I have made my own mistakes and have over come them to the most part... so I wish your sister the best and my heart goes out to her. But no I would not date or seek an relationship with her... because I just am not the right guy for her.

[Aerissa_Jade]

As far as I am concerned, she is still a virgin. One has to consent to the act for it.

She can still find a wonderful man but needs to work through therapy for help.

I wanted to wait until marriage initially but I also knew it was 'unlikely' I'd make it, yet I never had the chance to either wait or not make it.

I understand her desire and her feeling like it is gone, but many people do not consider an act of violence to have lost that.

If a man does, then he won't be right for her, but as of the writing of this comment, 7 out of 10 men have no issue with it. Odds are in her favor.

My heart goes out to her, while therapy will help it never seems to go away. My attack was 12 years ago and a few nights ago while watching a show with my boyfriend a two-minute section sent me into flashbacks, complete tears, and horror.

I cannot watch anything that has any kind of violence towards women, even though it is acting. A big reason I'm not a fan of movies or TV is because things like that can pop up unexpectedly real fast, even in movies you would not expect.

[OlderAndWiser]

If she is still traumatized to the point that she couldn' enjoy a sexual relationship with another man, then I would not consider her as a partner for marriage.

[jaybee281]

Of course I would - Like if any of my ex girlfriends weren't my ex girlfriends and they were rape victims - it wouldn't have mattered to me - Okay let me rephrase that - it would have mattered because I care about her - It wouldn't matter in affecting whether I'd like to be with her or not

[mark000h]

Of course, it's not her fault. She's the victim of a crime.

[Asker]

Indeed. She's trying to move on from it.

[mark000h]

It's got to be hard when you get so traumatized to trust another man again.

[Asker]

What's making it harder is when her rapist got sentenced, he showed no remorse either. He tried to justify his actions and thought that getting drunk and her moving in with him gave him the rights to do it.
She identifies herself as a Christian and was taught about forgiveness for your own peace but it's finding it impossible to forgive an unremorseful perpetrator.

[mark000h]

Christian or not, she doesn't need to forgive him or owe him a damn thing. Glad he got caught. Guys like that are an embarrassment to men. Hopefully, she can recover and live a normal life with a man who will really love her and be kind and patient. It's terrible things like that happen.

[horatiohornblower]

I'd feel sorry for the woman. That it happened to her. But it wouldn't effect my willingness to date or marry a woman.

[FunkyMonkee]

Does it make much of a difference? I'm sure there's quite a few that were raped as young girls! You're going to refuse to marry them over something they had NO control over that happened 20-some years before?

[Anonymous]

As a rape victim myself, I would certainly not rule a woman out just for that reason.

[Slartybartfast]

Same

[SorrowAdvisor25]

Of course, I have a huge amount of sympathy for her but it certainly wouldn't put me off being in a relationship with her though it may make me a tad cautious in my actions

[Asker]

The worst part is her rapist showed no remorse when he got sentenced. He had the nerve to try justify because of him being drunk and her agreeing to live move. She's a devoted Christian but is finding it impossible to forgive (for herself, not the perpetrator) someone that has no remorse. That's making it harder for her to move on too.

[SorrowAdvisor25]

I would probably agree in that department, forgiveness can be difficult enough for those who actually feel guilty of their actions

[Medhat-M]

Based on what you described... No... Why did she start a relationship with that scumbag? she seems too stupid to have faith in her...

[Avicenna]

No, the danger occurred having Borderline Personality Disorder as a result are too great

[Seangreen]

I think that that would be insignificant you know unless there was like hiv-infection involved or something

[LordOfThePines]

Yeah, I would. I won't punish her like that for being the victim of a horrible crime. That's like ditching your fiance because someone burned them or put them in the hospital.

[buttsniffer]

yes, so i can rape her again one night so she can relive the awesome experience

[Jamie05rhs]

I would give her a chance. What happened is NOT her fault.

[AndrésC64]

Absolutely. Why not? It's not like she did anything wrong.

[legalboxers]

why not? you need to be at their own pace, you need to be more loving, cautious, caring

[Anonymous]

Plenty of men were raped, often as children. We just don't say anything to anyone.

[nocturnalbreed]

If I love her enough to marry her, I wouldn't bothered or worry about it.

[Waldoe]

I did... 50 years ago, still am

[Subarugirl]

I did

[boobliker]

No way as it always in there mind

[AkshiJanjua]

Yes its not the girls mistake

[msc545]

No. I don't need to marry a patient.

[Subarugirl]

Well that limits your prospects to 20% since 1 in 5 women have been victims of rape/attempted rape.

[msc545]

Yes I've heard that statistic before and I don't believe it any more now than I did before. However assuming that's correct oh, that actually means 80% not 20% for me. However since I'm not going to marry anyone ever because I'm not stupid, the actual percentage is 0 for me.

[jaybee281]

@Subarugirl I hope that this statistic isn't based on how they "felt" - like they were walking at night and then some dude was walking behind her trying to get home and she thought he was trying something - This statistic is crazy - Like first it leaves 80% of women not 20% - Second of all 20% of women means what? Like 32 to 37M women having dealt with this - it's 100% impossible - Also - What was the sample for it - 100 women 20 of them went specifically to participate in such a survey/research whatever you wanna call it because they were victims?

[Subarugirl]

@jaybee281 No not at all these statistics are biased off of fact.
www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

[msc545]

@Subarugirl If it's on the internet, it must be true of course...

[Subarugirl]

no but I do trust these sources
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, 2019 (2020). Note: RAINN applies a 5-year rolling average to adjust for changes in the year-to-year NCVS survey data.
i. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sex Offenses and Offenders (1997); ii. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Crimes Against the Elderly, 2003-2013 (2014).
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sex Offenses and Offenders (1997).
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Crimes Against the Elderly, 2003-2013 (2014).

[Subarugirl]

National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, Prevalence, Incidence and Consequences of Violence Against Women Survey (1998). (Statistic presents information on the total number of male and female victims in the United States, using a study from 1998. Because the U. S. population has increased substantially since then, it is probable that the number of victims has, as well. RAINN presents this data for educational purposes only, and strongly recommends using the citations to review any and all sources for more information and detail.)
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement (2000).
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Rape and Sexual Victimization Among College-Aged Females, 1995-2013 (2014).
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Female Victims of Sexual Violence, 1994-2010 (2013).
D. S. Riggs, T. Murdock, W. Walsh, A prospective examination of post-traumatic stress disorder in rape victims. Journal of Traumatic Stress 455-475 (1992).
J. R. T. Davidson & E. B. Foa (Eds.) Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: DSM-IV and Beyond. American Psychiatric Press: Washington, DC. (pp. 23-36).
DG Kilpatrick, CN Edumuds, AK Seymour. Rape in America: A Report to the Nation. Arlington, VA: National Victim Center and Medical University of South Carolina (1992).
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Socio-emotional Impact of Violent Crime (2014).
Allen J. Wilcox, David B. Dunson, Clarice R. Weinberg, James Trussell, and Donna Day Baird, Likelihood of Contraception with a Single Act of Intercourse: Providing Benchmark Rates for Assessment of Post-Coital Contraceptives, Contraception Journal, (2001).

[Subarugirl]

Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, American Indians and Crime, 1992-2002 (2004).
Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Sexual Victimization in Prisons and Jails Reported by Inmates, 2011-2012 (2013).
Department of Defense, Fiscal Year 2019 Annual Report on Sexual Assault in the Military, (2020).
David Cantor, Bonnie Fisher, Susan Chibnall, Reanna Townsend, et. al. Association of American Universities (AAU), Report on the AAU Campus Climate Survey on Sexual Assault and Sexual Misconduct (September 21, 2015).

[msc545]

@Subarugirl Just because you have many government sources that doesn't make the statistics correct. Much of this is simply political.

[Subarugirl]

yeah well I'm pretty confident in the DOJ, Bureau of Justice Statistics and Department of Defense to be able to put together accurate studies and surveys of sexual assault. So you can disagree with it, but you have not presented any sources to support your stance. You're acting too emotionally to actually participate in this conversation. So once you are able to reason using logic rather than your emotions and source evidence that supports your opinions... that all they are, your feelings and opinions.

[msc545]

@Subarugirl I see a lot of women in my practice, so I have a bit of a sample there. I don't believe DOJ or FBI data mostly because they are overly influenced by political considerations.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe your story.
And You are a dude.

[jahaims]

Yeah