Caution is advised, continue at your own risk.
It is not going to be pretty.
Rape is a horrible crime perpetrated against men and women, that has a life long effect on its victims, long after the legal system is through with the perpetrator.
Moving on is extremely difficult for many, if not impossible. It has stages to work through that a survivor can get stuck in certain stages. It is different for everyone.
Denial and pretending it didn't happen is very common stage to be stuck in. This is known as the Underground Stage.
The underground stage may last for years and the victim seems as though they are "over it", despite the fact the emotional issues are not resolved.
Rape can lead to PTSD, Depression and suicide attempts.
There is a great deal of myths
In society and even the media that often perpetuates them.
It is far worse on tribal lands and for Native American women.
Native Americans Are at the Greatest Risk of Sexual Violence in the USA.
On average, American Indians ages 12 and older experience 5,900 sexual assaults per year. American Indians are twice as likely to experience a rape/sexual assault compared to all races.
41% of sexual assaults against American Indians are committed by a stranger; 34% by an acquaintance; and 25% by an intimate or family member.
I Am A Survivor.
Usually at this point I will just state I was attacked, and move on without going into details but I am going to go into details, not all of them but enough of them. I am sorry if this sounds like some fictional story, believe me I wish it was.
I am Half Latino and Half Native American.
This is important to know due to the above stats for Native American women, it seems as if I really never had a chance at a life of not being attacked.
I grew up near tribal lands and that has been a big part of my life, even though I'm only part Native American.
I was attacked very violently. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken.
My family has a farm, where I grew up. I had been helping out with the fall harvest, we were done for the day.
The others had head into the house to clean up for dinner, I was just finishing up a couple of things.
I was between a shed and barn putting stuff away and I did not see or hear him come up. As I was in a hurry to catch up to the others.
Like most farms, there is certain places with wood/boards, rebar, tools like axes and other items laying around.
This is a place I considered safe but still outdoors.
I Was No Longer Safe At Home
He came up from behind and pulled my shirt above my head and used it to keep my arms up so I could not fight back. He shoved me down to the ground forward, ripping my pants down and entering from behind. He also used my shirt to make it harder to breath or scream by shoving it in my mouth.
I was sexually inexperienced and a virgin at this time and it hurt like hell, like no pain I've experienced in my life, up to this point.
He told me to shut up and stop fighting. The more I struggled the more he would hurt me, I managed to get away briefly by letting my shirt slip all the way off above me and he lost his grip for a second.
I didn't make it very far as I had pants around my ankles and never was able to stand up, just enough to get him out of me so now he was extremely angry.
He threw me on my back and I recognized him as someone I had seen around school. I knew who he was but I didn't know his name. He was not in my grade, he was older, bigger and stronger.
I then heard another voice. Saying don't let her get away.
Now there is two voices, I thought I was going to be raped by both of them. I was praying for help.
I could now scream I did so as loudly as I could, problem was there is a good distance from this area to the house. I didn't know if anyone heard and it didn't last long, couldn't get my breath.
He started punching in my gut and chest knocking the air out.
I tried to look to see who the other person was, desperately hoping they would help and stop this.
I saw he was holding some sort of electronic device. It was a camera, he just stood there, motionless and quiet.
I was unable to see his face as he was in the shadows and it was dusk.
I bit my attacker and clawed him trying to get him off. I was crying uncontrollably and had been asking him to please stop. He said, just stop fighting and I won't hurt you anymore while his hand was around my throat choking me.
I cried while he pulled my pants all the way off, now I had nothing left on. He said it would be over soon just go with it and shut up. I stopped fighting and just let him do his thing. He also told me to look straight at him and stop trying to turn my head to see shadow guy. I complied and looked him straight in the eyes.
I then felt him ejaculate. While still being held down, his hands around my throat. Said don't move or scream. I will kill you. He then let go of my throat to take my shoes off, didn't want me running away told me I better not even try.
He then got up and walked to the other guy. I was absolutely frozen in terror. My thoughts were this wasn't happiness, this can't be real.
The two of them started arguing about something quietly, I couldn't really hear them cause they were whispering. I fully expected shadow guy come over next for his turn.
Here I am laying in the dirt, bloody and bruised and not sure what to do or how to get away.
Hope Found And Lost
I heard someone, someone else, someone calling my name.
It was my brother, yelling from a distance. "Come on were all waiting for you."
I was immediately dragged ten feet or so into the darker shadows quickly and held down, mouth covered. He hit me with what felt like a metal bar. Saying don't make a sound, how could I. I couldn't even breath.
I heard my brother getting closer, calling my name. He was close but I was being choked, and everything went black.
When I came to, my attacker was laughing that my brother was stupid, just walked within 20 feet of us and didn't see anything.
My hope of rescue, had come and gone.
Being dusk it was getting darker, he said he was going to fuck me again and that I better like it. As if it was an order.
I could no longer see Shadow guy. Thought maybe he left but I also wasn't sure if he had come over while I was out or not and taken a turn as I wasn't sure how long I was out for.
Another Escape Attempt
I tried to get up and run again, but wasn't able to get up. He wouldn't let me. He told me to not scream or else. I screamed anyways in case my brother was still nearby and then the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
He had a cattle prod that he must of got from the storage while I was out. He was pushing it against my body, all the bruised places to make them worse and then down there trying to get me to shut up.
This wasn't light jabbing either, it was push as hard as he could. Even if he wasn't using the shocking part, it would of hurt as he was pushing so hard.
I shut up real fast, I was truly and utterly broken. For the next 15 or so minutes, I did whatever he said. He even laid in the dirt on his back and ordered me to ride him.
I did exactly what he said. It hurt like hell, not only was I beaten and bruise, with a recently ripped hymen, but some electrical burns.
After this, he explained what was going to happen from here. I was not going to tell anyone what happened. He kept saying "Do you understand" while forcing me to look directly at him, making eye contact.
Now I understood why he had not hit my face. He wanted compliance for the future. He didn't just want to rape me, he wanted to have me willingly do it any time in the future but for his plan to work, I had to not look beat up and raped. He wanted to use fear and violence to forever control me.
The story was I fell and got hurt and wasn't conscience when my brother came by, that is why I didn't respond.
He would also come to have sex with me at any time he wanted and I must comply or he will do worse than he did tonight and I have to hide it from my family, make up excuses to meet him and if I get caught say I wanted to do it.
If I went to the police or told anyone, the whole thing was recorded. It would be uploaded to the internet and he would kill me when he got out. They could not hold him forever. He pointed at Shadow guy, who I thought had left.
It was harder to see him but I realized if he had recorded the part where I complied. It would look like it was consensual if I went to the police.
Shadow guy then left.
I Wanted To Help Him
In my mind I was going to comply. My thoughts were, how to get on birth control, and hide the injures from everyone. I was actually thinking of things to help him get away with this and continue doing it. I was just too scared to oppose him anymore.
I had no intention of resisting him at all. If he wanted to have sex with me, I would do as he wished. He started to walk away and then turned around said he didn't believe me and punched me again.
Since I was still crying he thought I was just saying what he wanted to hear. That if I had agreed to it, I would no longer be crying.
I realized he wanted to leave now but wasn't sure he could trust me to do as he ordered. He was afraid to stay in case someone came back but afraid if he left I would call the police right away.
I was beginning to think, that even compliance would not be enough and he was going to kill me to cover his crime.
One Last Escape Attempt
I saw the cattle prod there, laying there on the ground as he paced trying to decide what to do.
I got really scared, I didn't want to die. Maybe I could use the cattle prod to shock him, stun him and run for it.
I tried and failed. He was too strong and he then picked up a board and hit me with it. He did so many times over and over, I was trying to use my arms to protect myself. I heard a cracking sound thinking the board broke, nope it was my arm.
He had broken my right arm, I heard the snap and he continued to hit me. The board eventually did break but, by the time it did though my right arm was useless, my left was in pretty bad shape and I could no longer stand, something was wrong with my right leg.
I fell to the ground and he started hitting me more, climbed on top and let loose, at one time he used a piece of rebar but not sure for how long. He was using anything he could find.
I thought this is it, I am going to be killed. This is what dying feels like. I was thinking about who would find me and how hard this would be on my family. The pain started to fade, I was fading.
My Guardian Angel
I then smelled my grandfathers pipe, a very distinct scent from when he was alive. He passed away when I was 11. He was always smoking it.
I felt as if he was holding me and comforting me, just like when I was a little girl. There was comfort, I did not want it to end.
I was totally motionless and unmoving, I couldn't even move if I tried. It felt like I wasn't there anymore. My attacker then ran away and left and shortly after the scent of the pipe faded.
It was totally dark now. I was still too afraid to try and move hoping someone would come back to check but no one did. It was getting cold, I felt very cold. I am not sure how long I laid there before I finally started to move.
I started to move and I could but it hurt bad. My leg and arm were totally useless, extremely painful to move let alone use. I could not get up, no way to stand up or walk.
I was not sure what I would do, would I die of exposure over night and be found the next morning and where were my cloths at. Did he take them or are they around here somewhere?
Evening temps can get down to 40, this time of the year.
I didn't want to scream for help, I was afraid he would come back and if no one was around it wouldn't matter anyways. I envisioned my attacker waiting nearby to see if I was still alive, I didn't actually see him.
Eventually I did scream, but it was hard. I was having trouble breathing, something was very wrong. My chest hurt real bad and I was coughing up blood, I couldn't stop coughing.
Finally getting the strength I started dragging myself around, I tried looking for my cloths, my phone was with them but I know there is no service here unless I go up the hill, by then I'd almost be home.
I stopped looking for my cloths and just started dragging myself towards the house.
I then realized it wouldn't work, as it was uphill and there is a fence with a gate there. No way I can open it from the ground, but better chance of being found there by people looking for me. If no one came looking I'd be stuck overnight.
I didn't know if anyone would come again, my brother probably had gone back and told them all I wasn't there, so why would they come check again.
There is a main state highway the other direction, its a bit closer than the house. Less distance and downhill, but it was through stickers and rocks.
Anyone who has ever stepped on one of these barefoot, knows what I'm talking about, sharp pointy little things.
I dragged myself that direction just hoping when I got there a passer by would rescue me.
I had to drag myself over many of these plants with stickers.
When I got close to the road, I froze in terror again. What if my attacker sees me, he'll finish the job. Then I continued anyways, didn't have much to lose.
It was pitch black now, rural so only headlights and no street lights. Many cars drove by without stopping, I was just crying and crying. I was so tired, I couldn't stay awake anymore, I started to doze off and fall asleep. No one is going to see me, it is just too dark.
Next thing I know I'm being picked up and wrapped up in a blanket by someone.
He put me in his vehicle, he says he is taking me to the hospital. I don't have a lot of recollection on this as I kept going in and out.
When we got there, he picked me up and carried me into the ER. I really don't remember much. I just wanted to go to sleep and was having a hard time breathing.
I do remember looking at his seat when he picked me up and how it was ruined from all the blood.
My arm was broken, my shoulder dislocated. My leg was fractured and my ankle too. I had a lot of broken ribs. I'm sure a guardian angel died protecting me, because I shouldn't have been alive. One of my ancestor spirts must of given me the strength to drag myself to the road and keep me awake. I was told by doctors had I fallen asleep I probably would of died and that someone with O2 that low doesn't have good odds.
My O2 level was around 50 when I got to the ER. Some of my broken ribs damaged my lungs and they were filling with fluid, I was dying.
My family was looking for me and been calling around and been searching for me when my dad got the call. They all knew something was wrong, as it should of only taken me 20 minutes or less to come to the house when they left.
My brother felt terrible for not finding me and blames himself. My father feels like he failed to protect me and suffer from guilt.
The Aftermath For Better or Worse
Initially I was victim blamed despite all the evidence.
People said I must of been dressed too revealing, if a t-shirt and jeans are too revealing, I wonder what they consider appropriate. As details came out that this was more than rape it was attempted murder the victim blaming faded.
I suffered from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haphephobia from males, even my own father.
I was terrified of boys after this, I missed a year of school but still managed to graduate from high school half way through my senior year by doing homeschooling and summer school classes.
I missed out on a lot, was unable to go to dances as easily. I did end up having a touchless boyfriend that began to help break through this.
I also tried to commit suicide a couple of times. Those guardian spirits wouldn't let me.
My rescuer is now part of the family. A sweet 84 year old man who wouldn't take any money from my family to replace/fix his ruined seat. Him and his wife are family now.
My attacker did get caught, Shadow guy got away.
The place of the attack, we planted a tree of my choice, a beautiful nectarine tree that produces some of the best tasting fruit ever. Something to try and make it not be a bad place, to try and heal the land and the spirits.
The recording and dozens of versions of them was uploaded online but I did not know this for awhile.
A sanitized version of the recording showing the consensual part was used in his defense. His defense was that someone else must of tried to kill me after he left.
Lucky for me a teenage boy at my school found a version that had been uploaded that showed most of it, even though he got in trouble from his parents for looking at porn, he did the right thing. This is how I first found out it was online.
He is a serial teenage rapist, I was number 6 out of 12 suspected cases. Only four of us could face him in court, the rest were too scared and not considered official rape victims. They were too afraid to even file charges. 1 of the 4 ended up not being able to testify after a break down.
Half of his suspected victims have now committed suicide.
Many actually became his slaves, doing what he wanted. They thought it was no longer rape because they were now willing. They really weren't they were just too scared to say no.
I was 14, he was 16. He was tried in the Juvenile system and locked up until it could no longer hold him. The Juvenile system holds them until they are 21.
As a result of this case, the legislature passed a law to make it easier to charge someone like this as an adult.
His father is a well known tribal leader, they had a good attorney, that made a already difficult task of moving the case to the adult system near impossible. They knew he was going down, and the limits of the Juvenile system. Plus being under age kept a lot of stuff confidential.
No matter how many times I got the recording removed online it kept popping up. It was almost impossible to get removed in the first place. The sanitized one looked just like a sex recording, where the rape one included most of it and their variations.
This is the best thing ever to happen.
Pornhub hadn't even been out a year when my attack was uploaded to it. I was a super star on there.
I have come to peace that it will be online forever, even if what they did helped to reduce it.
My attacker has found religion and wants my forgiveness for what happened and keeps trying to hunt me down. He has sent letters to my parents place stating this.
This is why I do not put pictures or recordings of myself online anymore, I don't want him finding me.
I made a huge mistake, in my attempt to take control of my life by making my own recordings and uploading them. This only made others think the rape recording was real.
I became promiscuous in an attempt to use men, like how I was used and have it be my choice.
I have met guys for dates who recognize me from porn online. How's that for a first date.
I always hoped my first time would be with my husband on our wedding night, but I also knew it was unlikely I could wait until then. I hoped that at least maybe, my fiancé and myself would be each others first, even if we could not make it to our wedding night.