I'm going to start this by saying that I do not blame anyone for what happened. I'm aware that no one reading this knows any of the people involved, but I still feel compelled to say this. Also for the sake of anonymity, I will not be using anyone's real names.
This story starts with a young couple. Daniel and Melissa met in college, and were married very shortly afterwards. They were what many would call an unlikely couple, and Melissa's parents certainly made it very clear that they did not approve.
Melissa had spent her whole life surrounded by fairly wealthy people. Her parents clearly had not expected that to change when they sent her to one of the most expensive colleges in the country. Melissa's parents had very clear rules about what was and was not acceptable. The family had a history of disowning people who did not live up to their expectations. While they did not go so far as to disown Melissa, they had always made it very clear that her younger sister, Kimberly, who married for money a few years down the line, much better met their standard.
Daniel was raised by a single mother with no high school diploma. They were hiding from his father, who had mental health issues that the family could not afford to treat, and it had gotten to the point where it was dangerous for the children to be around him.
Daniel had a much older brother William, who his mother had had when she was still in high school, and two sisters, Linda and Susan, who were closer to his age. William was Daniel biggest role model, and he worked long hours while away at college, so that he could send the money back home to support his mother and three younger siblings.
Nonetheless, with their mother away at work all the time, and with bad influences in the neighborhood, the kids got into a lot of trouble. Daniel quickly became involved in shoplifting, and started drinking before he was ten years old. Linda started smoking at age eleven, and has never been able to quit.
William eventually noticed the way that Daniel's life was going, and intervened. Daniel lived with William, along with his wife and children, during high school. It's because of this that Daniel was able to get nearly a full scholarship to William's alma mater, where he met Melissa.
Daniel and Melissa were married very shortly after their college graduation, and a few years later, they had a daughter, who I will call Stephanie. Two years later they had a son, Riley.
At first, things seemed fine. But problems eventually emerged, caused by problems that had existed in the past. Daniel seemed to have inherited his father's tendency toward anger and violence. He would often lash out at his wife and children. He tended to be worse with Riley than with Stephanie. This may have had something to do with gender. He always called Stephanie his little princess. It may also have had to with the fact that he always thought she was smarter than her brother, and had a logical mind that reminded him of himself.
When it came time for Stephanie to go to school, her parents sent her to a very high pressure school that many other people described as "a military school for kids that did nothing wrong." This school had their kindergarteners reading at a fifth grade level, and had a pattern of suspending six year olds for not wearing the uniform correctly.
Daniel, remembering the lack of control in his own childhood home, thought that the most important thing was to avoid that. Thus, five-year-old Stephanie spent the majority of her time at home studying with her father. Consequences for getting questions wrong, even while studying, included getting drinks poured over her head, or getting locked outside in the snow with no shoes or coat on when it is pitch black out.
While Daniel was busy with Stephanie, he neglected his other relationships. As a result of constantly being compared to her sister, Melissa had a tendency toward jealousy. Therefore, at times she could get very jealous of her daughter for the time spent with Daniel, and lash out at her. However most of the time she didn't let that control her. She realized that he was putting too much pressure on a young child, and would help Stephanie hide grades that did not meet Daniel's standard.
In an attempt to gain some of his fathers attention, Riley taught himself to read at just three years old. Nothing changed. When he started at the same school as Stephanie two years later, he had some trouble adjusting. His seven-year-old sister would often be called to his kindergarten classroom because he had hit someone, and then felt bad about it, and none of the teachers could calm him down. The hitting was likely something he learned from his father.
Also that year, Melissa and Daniel had a third child, a son, Wesley. Shortly after his birth, the Great Recession hit the family hard. As anger issues are often fueled by stress, this meant that Daniel's outbursts got worse, and Riley suffered the most for this.
Riley became the scapegoat, the outlet for all of Daniel's anger. Stephanie had always been Daniel's favorite. He admitted this himself. Melissa was frustrated with their situation, and seemed to be sinking into depression. She didn't have the mental energy to confront Daniel. So she protected Wesley, the baby, because after being compared to others for her entire life, she needed to feel needed. She coped with the guilt by cutting off her relationship with Riley.
Stephanie and Riley had always been close. He would sneak her warm clothes when she was locked outside, and she would try to protect him from Daniel. But there's only so much a child can do, especially when they're being physically held back by an adult, as Melissa would often do to Stephanie when Riley was being hit.
Melissa and Stephanie's relationship began to break apart when Stephanie grew very close to baby Wesley. Melissa already had a tendency to get jealous of her daughter. Stephanie was the admitted favorite child of Melissa's husband and the favorite grandchild of Melissa's parents. She was now closer to Riley than was Melissa, and Melissa could not cope with the idea of losing her baby to her as well.
She became very manipulative. She would tell Wesley lies about Stephanie, saying that she didn't love him, and attempting to break the relationship between the siblings. She also developed a pattern of manhandling Stephanie, and although she never lost control nearly as much as Daniel did with Riley, this became a topic that the parents often argued about.
There were still some good moments between them, mostly likely when Melissa felt like Stephanie was her daughter, not just Daniel's. Some entire nights were spent sitting at the piano singing songs together.
Thus the situation remained for many years. While most children were playing outside, Stephanie would be in the basement with her father, taking practice tests until it was time for bed. Riley worked so hard to gain his parents approval, but nothing changed. He was pretty much ignored, unless he was being hit for showing the slightest disrespect. Wesley was sheltered by both his mother, and Stephanie, and mostly ignored by his father.
Stephanie was jealous of the amount of freedom given to Riley. Riley was jealous of her for the attention that she received from their parents. However, he especially resented Wesley, who seemed to escape violence entirely.
Riley would often torment Wesley, probably thinking that Melissa would step in to protect him. But she never did. Stephanie would intervene, and Wesley began to go to her for protection rather than his mother, making Melissa's jealousy worse.
What was arguably the worst night came when Stephanie was twelve, Riley was ten, and Wesley was five. Melissa was sitting on the floor in the corner of the kitchen. In one arm she was holding Wesley, who was shaking and sobbing into her shoulder. With her other hand, she held onto Stephanie's wrist, as the girl screamed at her father and tried to get away. Daniel was shouting over all of them at a sobbing Riley, throwing him this way and that, and kicking him.
There was a crack. Everyone heard it. That's when Melissa finally got up to protect her son. But Daniel was already on his way out the front door.
That night, Melissa took Riley to the emergency room with a broken leg. They made up a story about him falling down the stairs. Stephanie was left to put a traumatized five year old to bed, as he asked if daddy was going to kill his brother.
The next day, no one said anything about what had happened. Daniel still wasn't home, but Melissa went through the day as if everything was normal. Riley luckily didn't need a cast, but he was kept home that week. The school was told that he was sick.
Daniel came home two days later. And still no one said anything. No one asked where he had gone. He said nothing to Riley the entire night. During dinner Riley kept his head down as Daniel asked Stephanie about school, and Melissa made Wesley giggle.
That night, Riley came into Stephanie's room after their parents were asleep. He was crying. He said that he hated his parents, and that he thought that made him a bad person. He thought he would go to hell for it. How do you respond to that?
Daniel eventually got help for his anger. Stephanie asked him years later if he did it because he felt bad about hurting Riley. The answer was no. He did it because he wasn't happy.
While the hitting had stopped, the impact was still there. Riley developed severe psychological problems. For a long time though, his parents denied it. They couldn't deal with the guilt. They did not get him help until he started threatening his younger brother, holding kitchen knives to his throat. They both worked at the time, so Stephanie would often be left in charge of her two younger brothers. Melissa told her that if Riley did this, Stephanie was to call the police on him. She never did. And Riley never actually hurt Wesley. He did eventually see a psychologist though. He had suppressed the memories at that point, so they probably weren't worried about him saying anything.
Stephanie started asking questions. She didn't want to think that my parents were abusive, but the more she looked into the subject, the harder it became to deny. Daniel and Melissa made her feel like she was going insane, as if she had made the whole thing up with the goal of hurting the family. But she had proof. And occasionally, as they stayed up far after their parents were asleep, she could get Riley to open up.
This cumulated in a mental breakdown her junior year of high school. She was torn between knowing what she remembered as the truth, and also wishing her parents were right. She wished she was insane, because that was easier than admitting that her parents, the people that she was supposed to be able to trust, could do that to their own children, and then tell boldface lies about it.
Daniel seemed to realize that this was why she suddenly began failing all of her classes, having usually been a straight A student. Though they never let her see a professional, he stopped telling her that her memories were wrong, and began answering her questions, while never admitting that it was abuse.
Stephanie eventually pieced together a story that allowed her to move on with her life. Her parents were both very damaged from their own childhoods. So while idea of being able to look up to them was broken, she forgave them, and has since found that she has been able to forgive anything. She never seems to get angry in the first place, as she has worked very hard to eliminate that emotion from her life, having never seen any good come from it. She has repaired her relationship with her parents.
Riley has suppressed the memories. Maybe that's what's best for him. But he still doesn't allow his parents to get to close to him. He no longer trusts them. He calls Stephanie when he needs someone. He was able to repair his relationship with Wesley though.
Wesley has completely forgotten everything that happened. It seems that Melissa and Daniel have learned from their mistakes, and are determined not to make the same ones with Wesley.
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In this story, Stephanie is me. I was originally going to make it a question, entitled "How long does it take to get over trauma?" I've been feeling frustrated lately, like I should be over it at this point. But I know there's no answer to that question. Besides, while the physical abuse stopped six years ago, the thing which I now know as gaslighting didn't stop for another five. Also, I've still never seen a professional about it.
It still effects me. I panic about the slightest thing, and have a debilitating fear of failure, which of course leads me to panic and then fail. That's what happened today, which is why I'm thinking about this right now. I have far too many phobias, and still jump at the sound of the door opening. But I'm getting better.
For a long time I blamed myself for what happened to my brother who here I called Riley. I still do sometimes. But at least now I know I shouldn't, so I can catch myself. I guess I don't extend to myself the same forgiveness that I've given everyone else. I also worry that my father's anger issues have turned into depression. I know he feels a lot of guilt.
I worry because people who grow up in abusive environments tend to be involved in abusive relationships later in life. I've avoided dating because of this, especially with my tendency to attract stalkers as it is. It scares me. But I don't want to do that forever. I want a family some day.
For now, I just need to remind myself that I am making progress. It's a bad day, not a bad life.
That's all. I felt obligated to share this after typing it all out. Do with it what you wish.
What Girls & Guys Said
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I'm sorry you have been through such terrible things. I have had some things happen to me too. I think my diagnosed anxiety will be lifelong. You might never get over it, you can try to develop coping skills though.
I wish you the best of luck though. Take care of yourself.
Sorry
I admire you