Is this guy changing his mind about me?

[Anonymous]

I like this guy for the longest time and since this may we have hung out 1:1 a few times and kissed. Since may we have only met 1:1 5 times and 5 times in group settings. He’s very nice to me and makes me laugh but on day 1 I told him I’m not a casually hookup kind of girl and he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. But this weekend he once again asked me if I wanted to hang out and I’m not sure why he wants to hangout with me knowing I won’t have sex with him and he doesn’t want a relationship. I have refused to hangout saying I have some plans but he said he’ll ask again the following weekend. I’m not sure what’s going on in his mind and I’m not sure I want to ask him only to be disappointed again. What should I do? Please be kind.

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm that is a tricky situation girl. On one hand it's nice he keeps asking you to hang out, showing he enjoys your company. But I can see why you'd be confused and wary of getting hurt if he's saying he don't want a relationship. A few thoughts:

It's possible his feelings are changing a little the more time you spend together. Guys aren't always great at expressing feelings directly, so seeking you out regularly could be his way of exploring that without admitting it yet.

Or he may just dig your friendship and making out occasionally, even if he's not ready for serious dating. So keep hanging as buddies but draw clear lines about what you're open to.

My advice would be to chat with him openly about where you're both at and what you want long term. Ask what the deal is with all the asking you out if nothing serious is on the table. His response may give you clarity on if he's opening up to more or just chilling as friends.

Protect your heart sis. Don't get strung along if he's not really changing his tune on commitment. But staying friends is ok too if the boundary is crystal clear. Just communicate well so you both know where you stand. You've got this!

[Asker]

Since 15th may, we have only hung out 1:1 5 times. Two of these were outdoors and 3 indoors watching tv. We make out but don’t do anything more as I am very clear on my boundary of not having sex outside of a relationship. I think when we hangout next I want to tell him that I’d like remaining friends but not hangout alone since I don’t feel he reciprocated my interest due to lack of consistency in us meeting or chatting. Plus he also said he wanted different things and I don’t want to be the person he settles for because he isn’t getting someone better. But it’s so hard. I love to spend time with him and I’m worried the more time I spend the more I get my hopes up and part of me thinks he is trying to spend time with me hoping I’ll give in and have sex but why would a guy wait for a girl to have sec with for 4 months? It’s just making me so so confused. I wanna avoid the conversation because I don’t want to stop seeing him.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, I totally hear you. It's so hard when you really like someone but they're not giving you the clarity and commitment you need. From the outside though, it really does seem like he's keeping you sort of on the back burner until he sees if he can get what he wants physically. Which is super unfair and will only end up hurting you more in the long run.

As much as it sucks, I think you're right to tell him you only want to remain friends but not hang out 1-on-1 anymore. That boundary is important to protect your heart, since it doesn't seem he's able to give you anything deeper right now. But I'd also tell him straight up why - that you feel he's sending mixed signals and you can't keep getting invested when he's not seeing a future. Maybe hearing how he's making you feel will finally give him a realization.

Who knows, it could potentially make him realize he does want more from you after all. But you can't keep waiting around to find out either. You deserve to be with someone excited to be with you, not someone you have to pull teeth from. It'll hurt like hell for sure. But staying friends & keeping your distance is healthier for now. You deserve so much better - don't ever forget that! Stay strong, girl. We're all here for you : )

[Anonymous]

Please be logical here honey, and just think… without giving him benefit of the doubt, what else do you think he’d want other than sex if not a relationship? Hanging out one on one as a woman and man? It doesn’t matter that you tell him you aren’t a casual hookup and don’t want sex, that’s what being a conquest is all about. Stay away from this guy, he doesn’t want anything more than a hole.

[Asker]

He said he didn’t want a relationship 5 dates ago. If he’s trying to initiate contact and hang out more, I wonder if he was just scared but is eventually coming around to opening up to the potential of a relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

Why would you want to wait around for him to finally pick you or be ready? Especially when you don’t know if that time will come? Don’t you want a man who wants you from the start? I’m not trying to hurt your feelings with that question, I’m sure you’ve had similar thoughts already, but I know that sometimes your feelings can cloud your judgement and keep you from acting in your own best interest. You can do a lot better than waiting on this guy who doesn’t want a relationship right now.

[serious]

I think he has already changed his mind about you.

[Asker]

Changed his mind to what?

[serious]

Like not pursuing you anymore.

[Asker]

I’m sorry but I don’t understand what you mean :( English isn’t my first language.
But if he tries to spend time with me knowing I won’t hookup with him casually, does that mean he wants to pursue me romantically now or not?

[serious]

No, that means he is losing interest in you and he does not want to pursue you romantically.

[Asker]

He told me he didn’t want a relationship on day 1. Why does he keep trying to spend time with me if he has no interest now?

[serious]

That could simply be because you are physically or sexually attractive but otherwise he does not want to pursue you for anything serious.

[Asker]

In that case he has not changed his mind about me. He didn’t want a relationship to begin with and he still doesn’t according to you. That’s sad but I get what you mean