What are signs a man has been sexually abused?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my boyfriend (49m) has a bizarre family situation. His deceased father was convicted of messing with minors (i dont know the details) & his mother (whom he lives with) runs her house like the bates motel.

he’s always been very weird with physical affection. I’ve known him over a year, but been datingIn 7 months. He rarely kisses me… he went three months one time without kisses. And when he does kiss me, it’s usually teenage “puppy love” type of kiss, not something passionate.

The weird thing is that he insists on sharing a bed with me whenever he stays at my house (his mother doesn't even let me inside his house). But when we’re in bed together, nothing happens. he won’t try to touch my body or kiss me. At most, he lets me snuggle against him. But if my hand goes anywhere near his manhood, he freaks out. He will push my hand away, turn away from me, etc. Last night, I didn’t even get anywhere near his crotch. He was on his side facing away from me and all I did was put my arm around his stomach to kind of spoon with him and he spun around so fast. I thought he was gonna hit me in the face. Earlier in the evening, he was facing me, and I was facing him, and he kind of was hugging me, but then my hand went on his thigh, and he freaked out and turned away from me really fast.

The situation is weird and he won’t talk about it. I don’t understand the mixed messages. If he doesn’t feel comfortable being touched , then why insist on sharing a bed with me?

[Amy10223]

That is very intriguing, why he acts that way. It very well may be that he was molested as a child. My own ex was also molested by a family friend, but he was not like this.

If it doesn't or won't bother you that his mother doesn't want you in her house, then you can have a talk with him about it in a quiet place, to see if he will open up to you. What do you say to him when he turns away from you, or takes your hand away from him? I would definitely be calm about it and simply ask him why he does this. Only he can tell you. He may find it hard to talk about and so, if he prefers, ask him to write you a letter about it, so it may be easier. He can do that before he faces you with whatever happened, or why he doesn't like that. Mind you, I know women also (some) do not like being touched down there by their partners. As some women also do not like oral sex, as do some men. We all have different preferences and it does not mean that we were abused at some point in time.

His own mother may have something to do with this, of she sees you as a threat to herself. You may be taking her son away from her. How does he act around his mother? Good luck with it all.

[Asker]

I never say anything to him about it in the moment. But I’ll ask him about it later on. I also always suggest before we go to bed that I sleep on the couch since he seems to be uncomfortable with me being close to him, and he always insists that there’s not a problem and denies that he is bothered with me touching him, and says he’s “tired of talking about it” because I “keep bringing up the same thing”. And I keep telling him that I’m just confused and not understanding what’s going on and that I worry it’s something wrong with me (ugly, bad breath, etc).

I definitely think his mother plays a large part in it. Because she hates all women, not just me. She has never really given him freedom to have a normal relationship with a woman bc she thinks they’re all evil. I don’t believe he’s a virgin because the last serious relationship he had was about 12 years ago and his girlfriend got pregnant and he thought he might be the father, but she was sleeping with multiple men at the same time and ended up miscarrying.

[Amy10223]

He’s avoiding the situation if he doesn’t want to talk about it.
If this relationship is worth a lot to you, insist on talking about it, or you’ll be in this situation forever.

[Anonymous]

Most men have been sexually abused if we're using the same definition of "sexual abuse" used by modern feminists. It's just rarely reported, or recognized as abuse.

My own experience: years ago I was at a party and drank too much. I passed out on a couch in a back room and woke up to to see one girl who had unzipped my jeans and was playing with my junk (she had wrapped a Band-Aid around it) while another girl was snapping pics. I have no idea if those pics are out there somewhere on the internet.

[sawno]

I think your spot on, any normal guy would he excited if you touched him erotically. Combine that with the conviction and you got yourself a logical outcome. He wants to be in bed with you because he likes being close to you. But to close and it gets to much for him.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he believes in waiting until marriage? Granted everyone responds to abuse differently. I was abused by my father and only get freaked out by butt stuff.