What are signs a man may have been abused as a child?

[Anonymous]

I’ve known my boyfriend almost a year. In that time, intimacy has been kind of a teenage “puppy love” thing, like simple kisses (not making out), holding hands, and resting our heads on each other’s shoulders.

first, I thought things weren’t progressing because his elderly mother lives with him, and thought maybe he would be embarrassed to have a woman over with his mom in the house. We recently had the opportunity to have two nights of privacy together.

I would like to backtrack and say that about a month ago, his mother texted me and said that I was nasty and people probably think I’m the nastiest person in town…. All because I wrote him a romantic letter and she intercepted it even though it was clearly addressed to him.

and then the night before we left on our little getaway, his mother texted me and said that I was only wanting him to go with me because I was “hoping he would let me suck his d*ck or f*ck me” and those were her exact words about her own son.

Anyway, it’s the first time we’ve ever shared a bed…. he initiated snuggling and wanted me to lay my head on his chest, and we had our arms around each other, all while wearing clothes. I tried to move things along by touching him down there and he very quickly pulled my hand away, but didn’t say anything. We ended up kind of spooning together, but he was careful not to touch me on my butt or my breasts or anything like that.

his father is on the sex offender registry for messing with minors, but I don’t know the story behind it. I found that information out myself. He has never said anything about his father being that way.

I am wondering if perhaps he was abused growing up, and that’s why he’s acting the way he is. Possibly by his own father, but I’m thinking more because of his mother, either directly or indirectly based on how openly she says stuff vulgar stuff about him & seems to be obsessed with his sex life (or lack thereof).

I don’t know how to approach this subject or what I should do.

[Anonymous]

Aside from his past, he is currently in a controlling relationship with his mother. Whether he is averse to sex because his mother is so "overprotective"/controlling about it, or whether she is so controlling about it because he is averse to it, she is still being a roadblock here.

His father may have done nothing to him, and in fact he may not even know that his father is on the registry. (My husband didn't know about his dad until after we met in college.) If he does know, he could be worried that it's somehow genetic and so be scared to be sexual in case it "awakens something" bad in him. (It doesn't work that way and is not genetic.)

If he was abused, most likely by an immediate family member, he may not remember it and definitely doesn't want to think about it. Especially not in context of having sex with you. He may be putting it off with you because he's trying to work out his issues privately, before getting sexual on his own terms.

No matter which of these or if none of these is the case... the best thing you can do is be supportive of him. Make sure he knows you are there for him if he ever wants to talk about anything, and you won't judge him. Its fine to ask but don't push him to be sexual if he doesn't want to, and make sure you communicate before doing anything yourself (next time you want to try touching him sexually, ask if he'd like you to first). This helps avoid making him uncomfortable and could maybe open up chance to talk about it if he says no—but don't push the no. Again asking is fine but don't push these things.

(I would only suggest therapy if you have gone to therapy before yourself, or if he actually tells you something serious like that (abuse) and then mention it very softly because he will likely not want to try therapy at least at first if he's still having trouble talking about anything even with a trusted partner.)

[Agape93]

Making sure everyone else eats before he does.
Inability to do corporal punishment.

[BetaBucks]

I think you should just talk to him about why he doesn't have sexual interest in you. Do it in the kindest way possible and be open to hearing whatever he has to say. No judgement. His mother may be a huge influence on why he's averse to sex, and he may need to work his way past her judgement of it all. He might not even have been abused sexually. Just mentally by his mom. It's really hard to say. But the only real option is open dialog with him. Regardless of how it plays out, he would likely benefit from distancing himself from his mom.

[Asker]

I have tried. At first i thought he just wanted attracted to me, so i asked him if there was anything i could do to look better for him (different hair color, etc). He insisted i look pretty as i am. He will shut down and stop talking if i press the issue any further.

[Asker]

Oops, meant to say “just wasnt”

[BetaBucks]

Have you tried literally saying "sweetheart, I'm wondering why you don't have any interest in having sex with me? I'm open to whatever you have to say." You can even text him that right now.

[Asker]

Yes, i’ve asked him why he seems to avoid physical stuff. There was a period of about a month where he stopped kissing me and wouldn't hold hands anymore. I asked him had i done something to upset him, or was he losing interest in me. He just said he was going through something and didn't wanna talk. Then he seemed to get better, and the kisses returned. But every now and then he’ll have a day where it’s like even hand holding or a hug is too much for him. But it’s always the same response when i try to ask - “stop talking like that”.

[BetaBucks]

I'd suggest sending him exactly what I sent you in that quote. it sounds like you're still being indirect.

[worldscolide]

As someone who has suffered abuse at the hands of mother, I can tell you one of the biggest ones is trust. He will find it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Fear of situations that remind him of his past.

I personally am terrified I will somehow become an abuser.

[slatyb]

My guess is that he's in the closet. Most likely gay but in any case he's not interested in sex with you. If you are happy with a chaste relationship then continue. If you want more, you aren't going to get it from him.

[OfDeath]

How old is he?

[Asker]

He is 49. The last girlfriend he had (that i’m aware of) was about 13 years ago. He mentioned having a crush on someone about two years ago, but she wasn't interested in him.

[OfDeath]

If he’s 49, I doubt the issue would still be sexual abuse as a child. I would say he has ED.

[Asker]

I thought that was the issue too for the longest time. But when we were snuggling, I felt him get hard against my arm. And that’s when he yanked my hand away.