I asked to define the relationship with a guy and he ghosted me after several months of dating. What did I do wrong and how do I get over this?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys. I had a bit of a friends with benefits situation with an old friend from college. We ran into each other at a reunion, and he asked me to get dinner with him. We had great chemistry. We were going on dates 2, 3 times a week, slept over, he was so intimate. He treated me and we had a lot in common and I was having a great time. I met his friends, went to his parties, watched TV shows, & he told me to invite him to all my events. I thought we were also friends and was having a great time. I studied at his apartment and he was kind. I truly felt like a girlfriend. However, after several months, I noticed that he hadn't really asked a lot of personal questions about me. At first I thought he was just a simple or shallow guy/frat guy seemed happy. But it had been like, 3 or 4 months.

So I asked him where he thought things were going, as it had been a while, and he told me he didn't know if he could date someone "who was so busy". He said he was also busy a lot and understood if it wasn't what I wanted. Honestly was not the answer I was expecting at all (I'm in grad school taking some classes but still saw him a ton during week).

Saw him at a party recently a month or two later. He gave me a huge hug, was super excited to see me, excited to talk. He was with another female friend from school. I texted him after, asked how he was and... nothing. Radio silence.

Ouch. This really hurt me. I really actually liked the guy a lot.. Did I mess up?

What goes through guys' minds when they do this? I would have been okay with friends with benefits and miss him a lot. But, do you also think I would've developed feelings that he obviously didn't have?

How can I stop being so upset and get over this? It's like a knife in my heart & has been really ruining my weeks. It honestly broke my heart. First guy I really liked in a long time, and what a waste.

Should I have played it cool instead? What went wrong?

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that really sucks what happened with that guy. It sounds like a total mess and I can totally see why you're feeling so bummed out and hurt by the whole situation.

First off, I don't think you did anything wrong by asking him to define the relationship after several months. That was a totally reasonable thing to want to know, especially if you were starting to develop real feelings for him. It's not like you were rushing into the conversation or being unreasonable.

His response about not being able to date someone "who was so busy" is just a lame cop-out, in my opinion. If he was actually into you and saw a future there, he would have found a way to make it work. The fact that he ghosted you after that just shows he wasn't as invested as you were.

As for what could be going through his mind - who knows, man. Guys can be super confusing and contradictory sometimes. He might have just been enjoying the casual situation and got spooked when you wanted to take it to the next level. Or he could have genuinely been too busy and overwhelmed to commit. Either way, his behavior was super shady.

The best thing you can do now is try your hardest not to beat yourself up over it. This isn't a reflection on you or anything you did wrong. Sometimes people just aren't on the same page, and that's not your fault. It sucks, but you gotta let it go.

Focus on taking care of yourself and leaning on your other support systems. Spend time with friends who lift you up, do things that make you feel good about yourself. In time, the hurt will start to fade and you'll be able to move on.

As for getting over him - that's the hardest part, I know. But don't dwell on the "what ifs" or waste your energy trying to figure out what he was thinking. He made his choice, and now it's time for you to make yours - to move forward and find someone who will appreciate you fully.

Hang in there, girl. You got this. This is just a temporary setback, I promise. Better things are coming your way.

[Anonymous]

He wasn't ready for a relationship, enjoyed the casual dynamic, or avoided confrontation, leading to ghosting after you sought clarity. This reflects his issues, not yours; allow yourself to grieve, practice self-care, and remember your worth. You did nothing wrong by seeking definition, and time will heal your heart, allowing you to move forward and find a relationship where your feelings are valued and respected.

[Ravencoffey]

Dang girl. I feel for you. No advice just wishing emotional healing for you

[Asker]

ughhh thanks girl. im getting too old for this!

i appreciate it a lot 💗 trying to find some peace/healing maybe meditation soon