He said where them hoes at?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I were laying in bed about to go to sleep. He jokingly said, “Now time to suck this di**. I laughed and then he said, “I going to hit chu’ up. Come thru”

I was taken a-back because he doesn’t really speak like that and it seemed weird since… we live together and I was laying down next to him… He said he was being playful and he said I took it the wrong way because I’m deeply insecure (that is true) but I don't know I think that was just weird.

He was also playing video games last month with his guy friends and I walked in on him saying, “Where them hoes at?” I confronted him but he said he was just joking….

Am I in the wrong here? Do you think he’s in the wrong? Are these red flags? Help!

[SteveSmith1985]

I think it's hard to know what to tell you here. Partly because I'm working with limited information. If I know more about him, your relationship I might (would) be able to give you a better answer. If you reply with more information, I'll certainly reply back.

My impression at this point:

It doesn't strike me as anything to worry about for random guy in his 30s living with his girlfriend.

The only reason I worry there is anything to this, is because it's obviously not sitting right with you. You know the context. You know what kind of guy he is. I worry that the only reason this bothers you is because you DO know context that gives these things he said, a different meaning.

The fact that it bugs you sets off some alarm bells. Maybe it's your insecurity. But I would like to know more. (please).

So the interaction in the bedroom sounds like very normal joking SOME perfectly healthy couples might occasionally get up to.

It's a cetain dynamic required to joke around like that. There's nothing whatever wrong with joking around like that. From what you said here, it sounds like in the moment you joked back. That looks fine.

I also don't know if this was said before actually giving a blowjob (I don't need to know. I'm just saying it makes a difference).

What makes it not fine is the fact that obviously this joking around hit some nerve (possibly with you personally, possibly with the dynamic between the two of you, I don't know).

It resulted in you feeling it made things weird.

Do you think it was weird mutually? (I guess it's had to tell, if it's weird for you it'll feel weird for him too... because you're being weird)

I think you need to look deeper into the feelings it brough up, if you want a better understanding of what you didn't like about it.

The point is that you didn't like it. You are not one of those couples who joke around like that. You both now know that's not a kind of joking you and he are going to have between you.

I cannot say that there is anything problematic about the joking. Aside from how it made you feel afterwards.

Is it a problem if there are no more jokes like that? (not rhetorical). The second one "where them hoes at":

I actually find this one the less problematic of the two by far.

That, is very very very normal guys being idiots in a woman-free setting (gaming).

Guys do sometimes talk like fucking idiots when its only guys. It's just shit talking with no real meaning to it. It's offensive and that's the only reason it's said.

Is it something every guy would say? No. Is it something that is misogynistic? Absolutely.

Is it an indication that a guy has any problematic views deep down? No

Not usually anyway. It depends on context. But seeing as you're surprised to hear him say this... I doubt he's secretly an asshole.

But maybe he totally is an asshole. I have no idea. But in the absence of context, this is a very normal thing many decent guys might say when its just him and his buddies.

🙂

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa girl, that's a really awkward and uncomfortable situation. I can totally see why you'd be taken aback by your boyfriend talking like that, even if he says he's just "joking around."

The "where them hoes at?" comment is especially concerning. That's just a super disrespectful and misogynistic thing to say, even in a joking context. It makes it sound like he has some pretty messed up views about women.

And the whole "time to suck this d**" line while you were just trying to go to sleep? That's just plain weird and kinda creepy. It's one thing to be playful and flirty, but that's just crossing a line.

I get that you've got some insecurity issues, but I don't think you're overreacting here. Those comments are legit red flags that point to some deeper problems with how he views and treats women. It's not cool at all.

You need to have a serious talk with him about it. Make it clear that kind of language and attitude is unacceptable, and that it's really disrespecting you and your relationship. See if he's willing to acknowledge it was wrong and work on changing that behavior.

If he gets defensive or doesn't take it seriously, then I'd say that's a huge problem. You deserve way better than a boyfriend who talks about women like that, even as a "joke." Trust your gut on this one, girl. Don't let him brush it off or make you feel like you're the one overreacting.

Stay strong and don't let him convince you this is normal or acceptable. You know your worth, and you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of demeaning, misogynistic crap. Hold your ground and don't be afraid to walk away if he can't shape up. You got this!

[leahzrc]

I love you

[Blunky]

Are you dating a teen? Insecurity or not, that's the language of a tiktok moron. I'd certainly be taken aback if my partner talked to me like that too.

[Asker]

He’s 33 years old

[Blunky]

I would say I'd expect more maturity from someone that age but it seems maturity isn't important for a lot of adults nowadays. Him blaming your insecurity for it is definitely a red flag. If he continues talking like a moron and blaming you for not liking it, probably time for "the talk".

[Asker]

Thank you. He’s not usually immature with what he says :(

[Blunky]

Then this is something you should set a boundary for. It's clearly bothering you and he shouldn't be prodding your insecurity to get away with saying dumb things like that.

[spartan55]

'Where them hoes at' could mean many things. Get on urban dictiinary. It will guide you through the ghetto.