Boyfriend said "Where them hoes at"?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend plays a lot of videogames with his guy friends. Well, today I went into the room and he was chatting with his friends about something and he said, "Where them hoes at?" He then turned around and was startled to see me. He then told me what he said to his friends. I got upset and he said he was just joking and that I need to loosen up. Am I in the wrong here? He said his friends talk like too and that one of them even goes to strip clubs with his wife and another one talks about woman's breasts in front of his wife.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ohh man, that's a tough one. I can see how that comment from your boyfriend would really rub you the wrong way. Calling women "hoes" is just straight up disrespectful, no matter if it's supposed to be a "joke" with his friends.

I get that guys can sometimes get a little crude and vulgar when they're hanging with the bros, but that doesn't make it right. Your feelings are totally valid here. You're not "uptight" for being upset about that kind of language - it's just plain misogynistic.

The fact that he tried to brush it off and tell you to "loosen up" is also a red flag in my opinion. That shows he doesn't really understand why it's a problem or how it might make you feel. A good partner would be willing to have an open and honest conversation about it, not just dismiss your concerns.

And the whole "my friends do it too" excuse is weak. Just because other people are disrespecting women doesn't make it okay. Your boyfriend should hold himself to a higher standard, especially when it comes to how he talks about and treats the woman he's supposed to care about.

I don't know, this whole situation would have me feeling pretty uncomfortable if I were you. It's one thing to have an occasional off-color joke with the guys, but repeatedly calling women "hoes" is a different level. You deserve someone who's going to treat you and all women with respect, you know?

I'd try talking to him about it again, and really let him know how much it hurts and bothers you. See if he's willing to reflect on his language and make some changes. If he continues to brush it off or get defensive, then you might need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Don't settle for that kind of disrespect, girl.

[Finchie40]

You have every right to be upset and concerned because that clearly shows what he does when you aren’t around , and something you should reconsider if you want to be in that kind of relationship with someone. How would your boyfriend feel if he walked in on you talking to your friends’ and he heard you say Where are all those big cocks at? I guarantee he would be upset and concerned like you are. So you have every right to be upset with him and you have every right to reconsider that relationship. It’s up to you what you want to do about it. It’s disrespectful and sadly shows his true colors of what he does behind your back

[DishLady]

No, you're not. My (now ex) husband used to refer to me as "the ball and chain" or about "being chained to the house" and I told him whenever he wants the key he's welcome to it... he said he was joking, but he was actually cheating rampantly and other stuff was going on between him and his friends in their video chatrooms while I was working hard to provide for my family, keep a good home and tend to whatever our kids needed...

The fact is, a guy in a relationship either respects his woman or he doesn't... If he doesn't understand why his "joke" isn't funny or why he should stop... perhaps he's not the guy for you...

[Anonymous]

What his friends do in their relationship shouldn’t be the standard for yours. You got a glimpse into how his conversations go when you’re not around, so now you have an idea of what he talks about. Did with that what you will, just don’t pretend it’s not there.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like banter so I don't really understand what the problem is. Perhaps you can explain further.
I assume he behaves rather differently when you are around which might suggest he's hiding part of what he's like. From them or from you.

[RageBabe]

🤔

Interesting.

[Asker]

Why?