Is he not understanding or he understands just too prideful to admit his wrongs?

[dezzydoodles]

*backstory : me and my boyfriend have dated, for a year and three months now. At first everything was fine but lately he’s become distant, gives me the silent treatment for days and refuses to hear me out*

reminder he follows p ⭐️ and he talks down on my friend but follows them on all social media platforms and texts them and likes their stuff he sees no issue in this. I finally broke down and expressed how him following other girls especially my friends made me hurt and feel like there’s something you’re looking for he got mad and has been distant for almost a week now. I finally retold him my POV and he responded with “ok w. e im done talking” this hurts bc u can lick your wounds but i better bandage mine and keep moving he's always breaking promises has excuses to not keep his word i told him my concern with our daughters late development and cried bc i drank before i knew i was pregnant and he false out told me “that’s your fault no one told you to drink” and hung up he says some nasty hateful spiteful things he tells me he’s mad/ upset about one thing yet his explanations keep changing I can’t tell if it’s more him trying to get everything out but in increments OR it’s a more emotionally abuse tactic to keep and Madison control by nitpicking to blame me and twist how I feel or he doesn’t have an actual reason. I’ll include our text messages bc I’m so hurt and confused I just wanna be understood but also understand him y'all please give me advice and guidance.

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't know whether he is not understanding or not. He is not just being prideful though. The relationship you describe isn't a happy or a healthy one.

WIthdrawing (the silent treatment) is an emotionally abusive thing for any partner to do. If you have issues, as any relationship will inevitably have, he owes it to you to talk to you. He's allowed to cool down if he's extremely angry. But you can't be withdrawing like that because you're upset. It's abusive.

I don't see how he could answer that to your long re-statement of your view, followed by your offering to step back (I assume from pushing the discussion he was avoiding).

What he said to you about your daughter's late development is inexcusable. That's fucking awful. That made my jaw drop. I don't know how you didn't drop him right then.

He's always breaking promises, doesn't seem to give a shit how you feel, gives you the silent treatment multiple times, says awful hateful things to you, and refuses to engage in a discussion to address anything.

This is not a great guy. I don't know what is in his head exactly. I do know that he's handling this in a wildly inappropriate way. You shouldn't put up with this bullshit. What solution is even open to you to fix things? This is not a boyfriend I would wish on anyone.

[dezzydoodles]

Thank you! For this I will say tho I have never withdrawn from him we been tg almost two years now I do ANY and EVERYTHING BUT withdraw I think I’m just tired of repeating myself with him and like I said he is mimicking behavior I dealt with by my adoptive parents very dismissive and narcissistic me ALWAYS apologizing me ALWAYS throwing my feelings aside to keep the peace and I think my withdraw is sum I warn people of but I genuinely feel done

[dezzydoodles]

And I know the silent treatment is abusive BUT on the contradictory it’s not abusive if it’s the last resort yk bc it’s like you’ve tried and verbally you don’t know what else to say but it is abusive if it’s the first go to method bc you just don’t wanna admit your wrong

[Anonymous]

He doesn't care... he's not gonna change who he follows so if that's a deal breaker for you it's time to think about leaving

[dezzydoodles]

Yea I know but my whole thing is the lack of understanding in general with the pic of the text being a prime exa If what I’m tryna say

[Opinion Owner]

I don't think he misunderstands or thinks he's in the wrong at all

[dezzydoodles]

Yea I think some people are raised to be entitled and allow their kids to have hissy fits when things don’t go their way and it follows them through adult hood cuz they not used to someone telling them no

[dezzydoodles]

lol one text and you know EXACTLY what’s going on gtfo 😂 if anything my message is showing HIM I’m done and saying NO and drawing a line him withdrawing is and being silent is literally manipulative emotional immaturity to be exact he can’t control me he’s gonna control the situation reread my message again it’s not heartfelt yes it’s long but it’s coming from a place of look and listen this the last time

[Opinion Owner]

You have a habit of thinking people don't understand you when they disagree with you or criticize you, now you're doing it to me telling me to reread... I read what you said and you're the one trying to control his behavior, he's not allowing that.

[kitkatto]

Sorry unrelated but how’d you get that baby blue heart emoji? I’ve been looking for one exactly like that lol

Back to your question, I’ve been in a similar situation. It seems that your man just gets defensive and shuts down when confronted. Seems like he might be the avoidant type. I think he does understand where you’re coming from but he refused to acknowledge your feelings or that he has any part it in. He’s feeling attacked so he puts his walls up, he’s uncomfortable dealing with confrontations so he’s choosing to turn his back and act like nothing’s happened.

[dezzydoodles]

The baby blue heart came when I updated my phone a while. Back it’s my favorite one lol 🩵 and yes I think I’m starting to see that but I hate it bc it’s like. I said he gets to lick his wounds yet I gotta cover mine and mold myself To for him to keep and make peace

[kitkatto]

Ohhh I see. My phone doesn’t have enough storage for an update 😭

I can totally relate! But just wondering, does he react any differently if you were to talk about this in person? Also, I notice you use a lot of “you” statements in your text. My therapist taught me to use more “I” statements instead when dealing with an avoidant, just so they don’t feel as cornered or like you’re pointing your fingers at them (even though they are at fault).

He does sound dismissive though, I bet you feel like you just want to scream so that you’ll be heard by him

[dezzydoodles]

Yea I’ve tried I statements and no matter how I say it what I say what language I say it he acts like I just threatened his whole family

[kitkatto]

Unfortunately it’s also on him to regulate his emotions and defensiveness. He needs to grow in order to realize that not every critique is an attack.

[ProbablyClueless]

He understands, he just doesn't care how it makes you feel.

[dezzydoodles]

Thank you! 🙏 I figured but my friends and parents kept saying he doesn’t understand and maybe his actions are coming from a genuine place of comfort and innocence and hearing that made be confused cuz actions speak louder but I wanted to give a benefit of the doubt but I gotta learn you can only give someone that the first couple of almost two years in and same issue

[ProbablyClueless]

Nah... I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. People aren't stupid and they do the stuff they want to do.

He knows it bothers you. It's just that he wants to follow whoever he wants to follow.