What do I do? What is this?

[Anonymous]

I been seeing this man for a month. he's been a sweetheart. But lately he's been this self distraction of what we have been building. His words. he says we shouldn't fall fast. Says I'm too much. But says he knows I been putting you through a lot. But just stick with it and it will be with it. Im not a door mat and I do love who he is as a person and the connection. The other night he got blacked out drunk. I guess he confessed his feelings to a long time friend of his who has a boyfriend. He had a shot with his ex and called me a so many times and got people's numbers and igs. I been just talking to only him and seeing just him to the point I deleted my dating profiles. He was going to come by after going to his guy friends house. To see what happened when he got drunk. But I took too long to greet him. He thought i fell asleep. Granted he did keep me up with calls and asking me to come get him. I didn't sleep. Due to him not being there when i got there. I Was like 5 mins late seeing that he stopped by my house. I called him after seeing he wasn't there. Broke my heart a little. He told me he genuinely thought i was asleep and he left. He was almost home some how.. I asked if he would come back but he said no. "Wow" we hung up saying love you. I called again because sounded like he wanted to tell me what he was going to go get. When I wasn't really listening because I got hurt by not being put fast enough. That he waisted his time coming out here. He told me I am being too much and asked if that's all I called back for. This time no love just I'm too much bye. Since then I did apologize to him. I haven't heard anything since.

Updates

9 mo

Well he just called me he sounds depressed. He was making jokes and poking at knowing he went mia and I would be going crazy not knowing. I asked him if we were good. He asked why is that the 1st thing you want to know. Then he went to his friends and every time we get off the phone we say I love you or what ever. He didn't respond. I do this because tomorrow isn't promised so saying that at the end is just kind. But he said you said it 3 times you must hate not hearing it. I asked why...

Updates

9 mo

He said we are still up for Monday. But we have to discuss some stuff. he's not mad but we have some stuff to discuss.

[BriamG22]

Hey there, my first impressions is that he seems like a man with a lot of baggage... From the events that you described, not only does he have romantic desires for his friend but he's also has some level of attachment to his ex if he's getting blacked out drunk with her.

To me, it seems like he views you as just one girl that he's dating since he's still going around flirting and asking for numbers. However, most importantly, I feel like there is a lack of respect on his part... You've only been dating for a month and you're already too much according to him, and then he pivots and says sweet nothings. It comes off as erratic which is definitely a red flag.

The situation where you went to pick him up also seemed awfully petty to me... You went out of your way to pick him up, there was a miscommunication and a misunderstanding on both sides, for him to then be angry is ridiculous. It's not like he went to your place but you were out partying somewhere, you were going to him specifically... I don't think you should have apologized, there was no need for one honestly.

As much as I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If I were to purely base my opinion on what you have shared, I honestly don't think the guy is worth your time, sorry for being blunt.

[Asker]

I tend to be too much at times so I apologized for crying and getting upset that I missed him because he drove all the way out to see me and I was outside 5 mins after I got the here. Text. He thought I was asleep for some reason. I don't know. We have no cable but I been loyal while we been just dating. No need to apologize. Im just confused because this guy asked me to get him a very personal gift for his birthday and its coming soon and I don't know what to do with it. Because it's his. I don't need it. It's a key chain and necklace of my eyes with a saying we text in the back. But he's not even reading the text and it's just left on delivered and he is gone mia. No morning text or anything.

[BriamG22]

It's in the middle of the night and you're tired and you felt bad he drove to see you. I don't see how that's "being too much"... Ultimately it boils down to the fact that you weren't there because you tried to go pick him up, there's literally no reason for him to be mad.

Secondly, he drove to your house? Drunk? That's another issue to consider...

You should give him a timeline in my opinion, if he doesn't reply within that time just cut him off... With regards to the gift, if you're able to get a refund then get one, if not then just toss it out.

Or you could just give him an ultimatum: "I've already apologized, I do not know why you've decided to ignore me, if there's an issue we can resolve it by talking about it but if you're going to continue ignoring me then I'm not going to bother either."

Also, there's a possibility that if he did really see you as just a girl that he was seeing then it could be that he decided to ghost you. But I would like to believe this isn't the case.

[Asker]

He came over to my house the next day of him being drunk. He drove home blacked out drunk. That's a big issue there. I wonder if he actually did something and found out and was coming out to tell me. He said he was just coming out here to say hi. It wasn't more. I felt bad he drove out here to see me after having a hangover. I can't return it due to being costume made. I think I could of been that to him. Im not usually his type. Im very different from his exs. Even now his friend is ignoring me. Yesterday she was all lovey to me and then now I got left on read... i just got the email saying the stuff is being shipped to me. Im like do I call or do I wait. Like I know I messed up getting loyal so fast. But last thing he said to me was I was being too much for calling him back after getting off the phone. To talk to him about his food he was getting and saying I got off the phone that way because I was holding back tears. Yesterday was a rough day for me because my aunts cancer got worse and heath. But he doesn't know that stuff. So I been a mess. He just lost his aunt last weekend. But I don't know. Hopefully I hear from him we made plans for Monday. But I don't know.

[Asker]

It's just weird. Because he would call me while out with his guys and make me feel like a priority. Now his one friend is ghosting me too.

[BriamG22]

Hmm, it seems that you're quite invested in this relationship, I've also read your update, he clearly has some qualms with the overall situation. What it is I don't know. His dismissive responses once again leads me to believe that there is a lack of respect or commitment here...

I hope whatever the issue is will be able to be sorted; however, personally I'd advise to just be careful to not get too invested... He seems a bit iffy based on your accounts of events.

[Asker]

Yeah I even told him about the gift and he was like nonchalant about it. The fact he can't say it back and everything and is thinking of seeing me still is weird to me. When I told him about my phone and my aunt. He sounded more worried about my phone than my aunt. The fact he knows I have a little one and wants to see me or talk to me un planned is not respectful. So it could be a handful of things me talking to his friend or anything. At least I get my stuff back hopefully

[BriamG22]

Yeah, I'd suggest just end things when you see him honestly. If this "talk" you're gonna have with him is about him pointing out all your flaws, then there really isn't any point in talking at all. He clearly has a multitude of his own problems that he should fix first before telling other people about theirs.

[Asker]

I don't know i have a feeling it could possibly be the girl he met at the bar and got her number and ig. But I don't know. Just hope I get my stuff back he can keep the gifts. But yeah. Like calling me act like nothing and say that stuff and ignore my text... is weird.

[Asker]

Well he just loved the picture i sent and right away liked it. I don't know what I can say or respond to that.

[Asker]

So I went out for a drink he chose to join me. He payed for our drinks right away got a call the minute he sat down and was instantly not happy all of a sudden. Then took the call out side came back and I guess his mom called freaking out about something. We didn't discuss anything but why he was mia and stuff. He went and took a hike at yosemite.

[BriamG22]

Lol, so it was basically a waste of time then? At least you got free drinks lol.

[Alex-Snow]

Are you two sexually involved yet? Has that changed at all if you are?

[Asker]

We had sex. He hasn't tried and talks about where he wants to do it next and stuff.

[Asker]

He would

[HollyK21]

The short version of my advice is that you’re better off without him. This was a whole lot of drama to have happened in only a month, and if that’s any indication of what you’d be dealing with in the future, you should have enough self restraint and respect to walk away from that, regardless of if you do or don’t hear from him. If you’re really not a doormat then do not position yourself to be one. Sure it can feel disappointing walking away from him but that’s all it should be, emotionally. It’s too soon not to be able to remove yourself.

[Asker]

It's just annoying because I bought him this birthday gift he asked for thats Hella personal... I got confirmation on it. That it's being delivered soon.

[HollyK21]

Yeah it’s annoying but what do you do, stick around because of that gift? That’s not wise. Realistically you got invested with this guy way too soon. It’s only been a month, that’s 4 weeks and maybe some change if it’s been a bit longer. Somehow saying “I love you” is already established, before a title is. Drama and all this extra shit is happening and this isn’t even your man. You don’t know where you two stand relationship wise yet you’ve put all your eggs into his basket when he has not mutually done that. This was a really fast moving situation and you over invested when you probably shouldn’t have yet.

Yes, it’s annoying to have purchased such a sentimental gift, but overall I think this is you wanting your investment in him to pay off. Sometimes it doesn’t. And when It doesn’t, that’s a good opportunity to step back, look at what went wrong and try not to let it happen again. Not the cue to dig your nails in deeper. It’s so important in these early stages of dating to stick to what you want, not settle and not rationalize your morals to accommodate his. I’m sure you want the relationship, you want the cute holiday couple things since it’s that time and you wanna be done searching, but at what cost? It doesn’t matter how sweet this guy is when as a boyfriend/potential partner he sucks, because good men aren’t gonna put you through the wringer.

[Nikki1989]

He must have some emotional instability and fear of commitment issues. I would move on from this.

[Asker]

He definitely has a fear to love again. He keeps telling me this. That the more I do it's pushing him away.