How to deal with being friendzoned by this really amazing man?

[Anonymous]

He checks every damn box and he is great. We have so much in common and when we talk, it's like we just get eachother (he agrees and says he doesn't want to lose our connection but he isn't ready for anything romantic.)

He might be asexual, being a virgin at the age of 33, but haven't actually asked and its not relevant since he isn't interested. Either way, it hurts to know there is a man who checks every box that I know so far, I connect so deeply with and yet he only wants to share thoughts and ideas. And who keeps complimenting me and telling me I'm special to him and encouraging me and being emotionally supportive, holding endless space for me.

He sets the bar so high, for anyone else.

Updates

7 mo

Okay... I might have been catastrophizing. Told him I have a hard time being vulnerable and accepting his support, without developing feelings. And well, he admitted he feels something for me but forms connections slow and doesn't want to hurt me, so he doesn't want to make promises. But that he is actually interested to see where it might go. So thats why he was super confusing.

Which I get. I like that about him. I fall easy and too hard and that's not good and does not make for good relatio

[HollyK21]

I’m sorry but if your current standard is that of a man who’s emotionally unavailable then the bar isn’t high it’s in hell. So what if you feel like he checks off all your boxes, no good man is going to string you along or friendzone a woman that he’s allegedly so into. I don't know how you expect to get over this guy if you’re still trying to maintain the exact same situationship that got you here in the first place.


No distance, all the usual compliments and flirtation, like do you just want to suffer? Or are you just gonna hang onto hope that the fateful day comes where where he has a change of heart and picks you? To me that really sucks, but it doesn’t suck as bad as trying to be someone’s friend when you want more. Like are you ready to watch him take interest in other women or to give him feedback on them? I highly doubt it. This is not a friendship.

[Asker]

Can't he genuinely be a good guy who gives affirmations but just not ready for anything romantic? I want to be his friend, but I also have a hard time seeing him as one. I think he wants to mentor me, maybe.

I don't think he would change his mind. But I want to be his friend. He gives genuine advice and I enjoy the convos even for their own sake. Just can't help the attraction. And the wish that he would want a little more.

[HollyK21]

Nice guys give compliments and affirmations. Good guys do too, but with a different sort of intention behind all of that. It wouldn’t just be about uplifting you as a friend (since that’s what friends do), but doing it to show you love because he feels strongly about you. Nothings wrong with wanting to be his friend, but I just don’t think that’s feasible right now because you do like him a lot and do have hope. If you have any care about protecting yourself, you’d give yourself some space away from him for a little while to get over your romantic feelings, then re-explore a friendship once that’s all passed.

Trying to stick around now is only going to be hurtful because it’ll most likely only deepen your feelings. You can only compartmentalize for so long.

[Anonymous]

Did u confess? Like directly , instead of playing silly games

[Asker]

Yes. I told him I liked him. That's why he said he wasn't ready for romance, but did not want to lose the connection.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe he dates towards marriage. And thinks u are just here for the time being. Why does he tick all your boxes

[Asker]

No, he is definetely the type to date towards marriage. We both are. We think similarly. We share the same faith. Have the same interests. He has all the personality traits that I look for in a partner. He looks good. He cares for me and holds space for me, while also challenging me to grow and be a better person. He tells me I do the same and that he values the way I bring new perspectives and help him reflect on things.

We connect on a very deep level, which I rarely do with anyone.

[Opinion Owner]

Ohhh. How do u both look?

[Asker]

I am very pretty, so I guess I'm not used to it. He is good looking and tall, but I would not say I'm below his 'league'

[Opinion Owner]

How tall are u both

[Asker]

he is 180 cm and I'm 163 cm

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. Maybe he doesn’t get how into him u are. Trying confessing with depth

[Opinion Owner]

So he does like u. What made u think he’s asexual. Why did u label him so?

[Asker]

Cause he is very handsome, 33 and still a virgin. He could pull if he wanted to.

[Opinion Owner]

So did he tell u why he likes u? And why u might be the lucky girl to take his v card

[Anonymous]

Part of me thinks you’re just looking into this way too much more then there really is. He may check all the boxes on your list, but you don’t check all his boxes on his list. You’re like a little girl. It’s like this movie when these middle school girls are talking. They’re like omg you he wore red, you wore red. He said what’s up bro you said nothing bro, you’re bothering meant to be together. It’s sad. You’re doing the same thing on your end by saying all these things trying to justify why you two should be together. It’s like you’re trying to speak it into the universe that if I say all these things it’ll make it come true, it’ll justify our being together. Let it go, there’s nothing there. You either accept it, get therapy or move to another location.

[Asker]

Yeah but thing is, he keeps me around and is genuinely interested in friendship. I'd be able to move on, if we just cut the contact, but this middle ground is kinda confusing. But I do enjoy the deep conversations so I want to be able to move past the attraction.

[Opinion Owner]

So then you tell him. You be honest. I like you as a more than a friend. It’s hard on me knowing what I want, but you don’t feel the same. I can’t continue this friendship as it would be detrimental to me overall. Which is probably the truth. Maybe he’s not interested in a girl your age. There’s a lot of possibilities. But if it’s going to destroy you that bad then you need to do what’s best for you, which means cutting off this friendship.

[Asker]

Yeah... Thanks for your advice. If I find I can't move past the attraction, I'll have to.

[Opinion Owner]

Yu have no other option other then to move move on if you can’t move past the attraction.

[HawkPerception]

And what does your checklist look like? Like what does he check off on that makes you so into him?

[Asker]

✅ He actually cares and gives me real advice
✅ Same religion as me (big plus)
✅ He looks really good.
✅ Has the same values as me.
✅ Super polite, respectful, kinda smart and dorky.
✅ Talks so clearly it’s calming
✅ I told him about an issue and he’s literally sitting there analysing it like a professor… no guy has ever cared that much about my wellbeing.

There’s way more…

❌ But he only wants to stay friendly because he’s not ready to play the romantic role, he said.

Maybe he's a bit confusing due to autism, but I like the direct way of talking and the whole package, autism included.

[Plugs]

Why do u like the Autism?

[Asker]

Cause he communicates directly. He can be a little awkward, which I only find endearing. And he has a lot of knowledge and special interests that I love listening to and learning from.

[Plugs]

Oh that’s nice , special interests like?

[Plugs]

Why do u find it endearing 🤣

[Asker]

Why wouldn't I find it endearing. Its cute when he acts nervous or constantly apologizes when he doesn't need to. And his special interests include tech, coding, languages, history. Lots of things really. So Im always entertained when talking.

[Plugs]

So what’s your current situation with him? How are u guys moving forward

[Still-alive]

nothing you can do. he's not interested. you got to move on. you can't force him to like you, nor is he likely to ever change it mind. go after people who actually are interested in you otherwise you're just wasting your time.

[Mariogirl09]

he's gay girl

[rebelsunshine]

Maybe he's gay?