Should I let this TikTok creator know when I visit his restaurant?

[Anonymous]

There’s a TikTok guy I’ve watched on live for about 2 years. I’m 28, he’s 26. He doesn’t know what I look like. He uses TikTok to market himself and look for a spouse (common in our religious community). Culturally and personally, he has an issue with age- women 27+ are considered “old” for marriage in our culture and his family would likely also disapprove of someone older. He’s also insecure about his own age and stressed about not being married yet as he sees himself as old too.

Despite that, he’s fond of me on lives — appreciative, respectful, and sometimes elevates me above other women.
Recently, I asked what’s good at his family’s restaurant. He joked that I wasn’t actually going, then told me what to order, and said: “If you do go, DM me in advance and I’ll pattern it for you.” He doesn’t work there; his family owns it, so he’d need to know to be available. I joked about going in 3 years/ 7 years, and he asked me why I keep saying that. He’s previously only offered similar things to men, and never needed advance notice. He looked visibly nervous after saying this.

The next live, he made exaggerated jokes about my age (e. g. calling me “48”) while also complimenting me a lot, saying I was the only girl he’d met who was calm and not weird. It came across as warmth plus containment. He never made age jokes again after that live, which makes me think it was connected to the restaurant moment.

I genuinely want to go to the restaurant either way. My question is: should I DM him like he suggested if I do go, or just go without telling him? Telling him would also mean he’d see what I look like as he doesn’t actually know since I don’t show my pics on social media. Keep in mind he actually prefers women who don’t show themselves on social media, so that’s not really the issue, even though looks defo matter to him. Also keep in mind he hasn’t DMed me in a year, so it’s not like we are close privately even though it would seem like we are on lives.

[HollyK21]

In all honestly I don’t think a lot of these tiktoker’s are genuinely interested in breaking the 3rd wall when it comes to their supporters, and would prefer things remain virtual vs hangouts IRL. You say you truly want to visit the restaurant and I’m not saying you don’t, but given all the context it sounds like you have a bit of a crush and that visit would be more about meeting him. Romance doesn’t seem to be in the cards for you two, given his standards, and it’s hard being simple friends with a guy you’ve grown to like.


I get that he offered a pattern and all that but I’m not sure how much he’d genuinely want to follow through with it vs just being polite and trying to maintain a good connection with one of his most loyal and regular supporters. I’d love to give benefit of the doubt, but based off how I’ve seen some of these tiktokers behave when it comes to growing their platforms and hanging on to their regulars, it seems disingenuous.

[Asker]

He’s not famous at all, he’s just a normal guy that goes lives and has around 11-20 viewers per live. So he isn’t someone with a large following that has all these boundaries with “fans”. He does meet people and have personal connections with men on tiktok but he’s more guarded with women for obvious religious reasons. So he’s not one those people that would stick to that rule, like I said he uses tiktok to find a spouse, it’s not just him, people from our community do this.

Yes I do truly want to visit the restaurant, like I said he doesn’t work there. He won’t be there if I don’t tell him, he only lives an hour away from me, I’ve been there for days out before, I plan to do it again in the future. Yes I do have a bit of a crush, but it’s not one that I’m willing to chase him for.

He’s very careful with women on his lives, basically some people hate watch him, and he says he has stalkers too. He wouldn’t casually ask a woman to DM him if she goes to his restaurant, like I said, he’s only done that with other men on his lives and even then it was more like “just say my name and that you know me”. It wasn’t to be polite, hence he got nervous after. Just making the context more clear, TikTok also isn’t a career for him, he’s the type of guy to ask for peoples card details if they send him gifts to give the money back, or if it’s women sending it, he’ll basically make a joke about them wanting his attention.

So you’re saying basically not to DM him when I go?

[HollyK21]

I didn’t think he was famous or anything in the first place, those folks usually don’t connect with anyone who isn’t sending big gifts and even then it’s more of just a fleeting acknowledgment. I recognize that this dude would have a smaller platform, which is why I made mention of him trying to maintain his loyal supporters as his platform grows. I think there’s many people out there who don’t see tiktok as a career per-se, especially when going live. However it’s hard not to acknowledge the potential, and as a man seeking marriage there could be a lot of it at some point.

In any case, I know you’ve had your eye on this guy for a while. You made a post a while back and given this good juncture of time since then, I’d imagine you two have some sort of friendship or familiarity established. I just don’t think you should put yourself in a position to get your hopes up when you already know this isn’t someone that you can have a romantic connection with. If you’ve got a crush now, just think about having one on one time, it would most likely be even worse. So whether you reach out or not is up to you, nothings lost by trying to do so. I’d probably just make a trip on my own though.

[HollyK21]

I also wonder, what purpose does partaking in these lives give to you if not chatting with a guy you’ve grown to like? He’s only got a few viewers, and looking for a wife with apparently nothing else to offer or talk about. Is there anything useful to you about it?

[Asker]

Okay but just because folks don’t usually do it doesn’t mean he doesn’t, I’ve already told you he has done that already but with men only as far as I know. I don’t see the benefit of generalising him with the average person, when I have already said that he has hang out with viewers and is close friends with some.

I have asked about him before, but it was over a year ago, a lot has happened since then. I think I asked about him DMing me. That’s actually hilarious if you do recognise my posts, you have a good memory. I just want to know if from his point of view, he was the one to make it a “DM me if you do come” type situation, I was honestly just asking because I wanted his opinion on what’s good to eat there, I thought let’s ask early so he’ll forget instead of asking when I had a clear plan, I never expected him to want to meet me if I do go, because like I said, he’s never given that offer to a woman before and I already knew I was too old for what he’d typically go for so I never expected it.
So basically, I’m asking if it’s worth going since he made age jokes and stuff on the next live after, from his view, is the offer still open or was he closing it?

TBH, if I met him one time it would either make or break it. It would close or open a new chapter and after 2 years, I think that’s what’s needed but I won’t bother if I didn’t think he wants it

[HollyK21]

My memory’s only good when it wants to be lol, I didn’t notice you at first but some of the things you mentioned in your comment rung a bell😂. We had a good conversation. I want to be clear that there’s judgement from me whatsoever, I recognize that I don’t know him how you do and in that respect all I can really do isn’t to exactly generalize but to recollect on the behaviors I do see from small streamers, whether their theme park hoppers, gym rats, cooks, even video game streamers. This dude sounds like a bit of a shmooze, he’s got women vying for his attention (even just a couple) and makes some sort of effort to connect with his regulars.

I don’t want you to feel like I’m writing off your mention of him meeting up with guys from his stream before, and if he doesn’t mind breaking the 3rd wall in that respect then cool, I’ll give him that. Let’s redirect the focus then, of what this trip would mean for you. It’s hard to believe that you wouldn’t put this plan into motion without even a bit of hope that sparks will fly, aka making or breaking what happens next. For you to have remained not only in contact but in support and loyalty to him, you have to like him more than you’re letting on. If you do then all I suggest is you really consider what you’d be walking into. Someone else could comment, tell you to go for it, and I would not have any opposition for that, you have to do what feels right. Just be honest with yourself about the underlying intent, and ask yourself if you’re willing to potentially be hurt. Women don’t pour the time into a man as you’ve poured into him for just simple friendships.

[Asker]

Oh by the way, I don’t plan on going alone. I’m going with my friends, like I said I’m hanging out with them with or without him, he asked to DM him In advance if I do go, that’s why I’m wondering if the offer is still open and relevant for when I do end up going, even though his behaviour after left me unsure

[HollyK21]

Going with friends sounds much better, I’d encourage that more tbh. I thought it was a one on one thing lol. Still, I do worry about what you could face. It’s one thing if he were like a dude you only saw pictures of and wouldn’t be sure about his in-person persona, but as a live streamer you see exactly what you’d get. If you like him online, you’ll most likely like him in person. It’s a slippery slope.

[Asker]

Yeah this guys like a 9/10 in looks, he could get paid for his looks so he does have a lot of women wanting him, but he still hasn’t chosen anyone, despite making it clear he wants to find someone and at one point asking some to DM him if interested in marriage… doesn’t look like there’s been any luck, he does say though, that I’m the only one he’s met that he likes, like I mentioned in my details above. So it sounds like he considers it in his mind, but is conflicted due to my age.

Yes I do have a crush on him, do I like him more than I’m letting on? Hmmm. Yes and no, real life is completely different, I wouldn’t like him the same way anymore, I’ll be seeing him as a whole new person. Maybe I like the internet version of him but I’m very aware that real life isn’t the same. He is very attractive, and his lives are entertaining. I used to be on his lives for drama and the fact that he was nice to look at 😂, I stayed because yes I do have a crush but also, he also found some use for me considering that he keeps me around to me humbled- that’s what he say anyway. Since people feed his ego and I don’t, so maybe that also made me feel seen and developed the crush more. Either way, the age thing is real and I see some flaws in him that keep me grounded and to not be head over heels.

I think going would be helpful for me personally, I completely agree with what you’re saying about being honest with myself, I’m sure my friends will also give me that talk too if it does happen. I just don’t want to seem like a beg and tell him when I’m going if he doesn’t want to know with his behaviour after.

Do you think he’d still want to know if I do go? Based on how he acted on the next live after

[HollyK21]

In all honesty it’s hard to know. Like I’m sure you’d wanna tell him that you went and I feel like the default reaction would be some version of “oh why didn’t you tell me?”, I think anyone would take the opportunity to do that and get themselves off the hook. He strikes me as one of those dudes that know what to say, how to flatter women, he’s even given you a “role” of humbling him, which I’m sure makes you feel good. He just seems like a schmooze who’s trying to appear like he’s not lol. I mean you’ve got to be fond of attention to an extent to put yourself out there in the way he chooses vs like a dating app, arranged marriage, traditional meeting in person, even a blind date. To put himself in front of all these women and openly flirt or flatter them even subtly takes a certain kind of person. Meanwhile you’ve got people who don’t want that sort of attention, they may not even post on tiktok.

Anyway, if you reach out, it’s fine, I’m just not sure that I personally would. I’d be worried of the risk of getting false hope and having a deeper connection in person, even though you’re hoping it wouldn’t happen, I couldn’t imagine it not lol i mean you’ve stuck around for far less, and by that I just mean these live conversations. He’d have to have something you really don’t prefer, like he’s extra short or his personality is way different than online.

Not trying to be negative whatsoever, it just seems like the age thing plus his family’s disapproval of it are his deal breakers, I mean even he himself is stressing over being freakin 26 lol so young, even 30s are young to me but everyone’s different.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t tell him if I went, I’m not sure what the point of that would be. If I didn’t DM him about it and did go, it’s officially none of his business.

You’re right with one thing, yes there is a side to him that’s a player. I’m not sure to what extent it has gone, or how far, but he’s basically someone with options that genuinely gets upset and annoyed he’s still single because he either hasn’t found what he’s looking for, or he has commitment issues. I believe he is genuine with my role in his lives “holding him accountable” etc, he doesn’t seem calculated. I usually know when he’s lying, that’s the good thing about watching someone on live for a while- you start understanding their body language and give away, even if you’ve never officially met.

I’m not hoping there wouldn’t be a deeper connection, I guess I was curious on how we would be in person, it’s not just about him but about how I would find him if I met him in real life, knowing his typical behaviour and how it would switch up around me. It would tell me a lot about where I stand as a real person once he met me.

Anyway, I’ve made a decision. I won’t DM him when I go UNLESS he mentions it again (which would mean he’s still thinking about it and has genuine interest still, despite the age thing), or he DMs me himself, basically again, showing some sort of interest of willingness to follow up or do something himself. If not then I’ll take it for what it is and not let him know. Thanks for helping me sort through my thoughts on this 🫶🏼

[msc545]

There are so many contingencies and potential consequences that I want to tell you that I think getting involved with this guy would be a really bad idea for you. If he wasn't the problem, it sounds like his family would be. I suspect if he and his family weren't the problem, then your own family might be. You may want to think about simplifying your life and simplifying your environment quite a bit before you consider getting married to anyone. There is just too much at stake here.

[Asker]

Tbh I’m pretty much what he wants, apart from the age. He has a rather strict idea of what he’s looking for, I fit it and he’s aware. Personality wise he seem to like me too of course, but the question is at the age and the fact that he hasn’t seen me to even know if I’m his type and worth bending his rules. I’d be the same if I hadn’t seen what someone looks like, to know if I even find them physically attractive. My family are very chill tbh, they wouldn’t have an issue, things line up quite well culturally, religiously, and even financially- we are around the same and have similar family values. It’s just the age- literally. I do feel like I’d be his type, but of course I can’t have that confirmed unless he sees me, which I’m thinking is unlikely. I have my mind made up that I won’t DM him when I go unless he shows some interest, whether it be DMing me, or mentioning the restaurant invite again and if I’m going.

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate people who are honest in what they see.

[msc545]

Let me make my recommendation a little bit more direct: Don't get involved with this guy. He's going to be too old for you, and he's just going to keep getting older, like we all do. That's not going to get any better over time. You're going to have trouble with his family. Let me repeat it: Don't do this.

[Asker]

I’m older than him, we have 2 years difference but he ideally wants someone younger, not older

[msc545]

Exactly. Please excuse what I said. I thought that he was much older than you. But even so, if you know that he wants somebody younger, why are you walking into a situation where you're not clearly wanted? God is asking for future trouble as soon as he meets somebody younger.

[Asker]

Because he has options and can have many girls younger but he isn’t with them. He still speaks highly of me, even if he dulls it down with age jokes after. To my cousin, it came across as a guy that was interested in me, along with other girls in his lives because he got sent a DM that called him a mean word after, which he laughed off. I know there’s more to it though, which is the context I’m giving you guys so it’s not romanticised. The way I originally took it is that he wants a space where he can see what I look like and who I am (right now he doesn’t know what I look like) without it becoming awkward or a big thing that made it look like persuit before it actually was. Thats still what I somewhat think it is, he wants to know if I’m his type and is conflicted about the age thing. Which is why I’m not against it but also, if he doesn’t mention it again, I don’t see the point in making it happen myself. For all I know he probably thinks it was something he went too far on and believes it’s probably over with now since none of us mentioned it again.

[msc545]

If you are very lucky, you won't be his type. The worst thing that can happen is you'll get really involved with him, and he'll leave you for the other woman. Men do that kind of thing all the time. Don't be a victim of it.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t let him get too cosy with me like that, even when he DMed me last year and sent me heart emojis, I kept the convo going but didn’t reply back any emojis or acknowledge his flirting. It’s because I do have boundaries because I know what let can be like, I know what he’s like to an extent since he gets a lot of attention and I know he enjoys it, and I’m not someone who would just feed someone’s ego unless they are actually interested in me as a person, or looking for something real with me.

I would like more of your perspective though, why are you so sure this won’t end well? Especially when I don’t think he’s done anything dramatic than says he has bad intentions or would mess me around yet

[msc545]

The mere fact that he let you know that he wants somebody younger speaks for itself.

[Asker]

He didn’t say he wants someone younger, it was implied because he made age jokes after the restaurant invite. Did you read my description? He made light hearted jokes calling me 48 instead of 28, (partly so other people didn’t know personal info I didn’t consent to, but also so he could obviously exaggerate my age), he did it for one day then never did it again. But I already knew he felt this way as I’ve watched his lives for 2 years and know that’s a genuine view of his based on things he’s said just thinking out loud, in our culture 27+ is considered old for marriage but it’s slowly changing

[msc545]

Thanks for MHO

[spartan55]

There is no way this will ever happen.

[Asker]

Can I ask why you think that? Since your opinion was quite vague

[spartan55]

Just experience. Good luck though.