I feel awful about what happened with the guy I was dating. Did he lie all along or was he just avoidant?

[Anonymous]

I was dating a guy for a few weeks and had been on a couple of dates. Things were slow paced but I figured from what he explained as wanting to build an emotional connection first, that this would obviously build up overtime the more comfortable we become in each other's company. Anyway, he wasn't showing me an physical affection or being tactile, despite us having previously kissed, cuddled and at another time had sex. He would say that he hasn't ever been that close to someone and he kept confirming and reasuring me that he liked me, even so on the Friday night when we met. It felt like a confident signal that I'd just mistaken his behaviour and he was infact maybe shy or timid and taking his time. I took his answer as true and sincere. We planned another date for Sunday, on the day he was chatty but not overly forward or direct. Again, no physical touch or signs of affection, despite me previously mentioning this being a clear need, so again thought ok its a slow burn situation. Anyway, that night he didn't message me and the next morning when I texted him to check he was ok, he went onto explain that there was no romantic connection. Of course I was horrified, having been close and intimate and listening to his reasons for the lack of affection, I felt blind sighted. Anyway, I express my hurt feelings and he pretty much dismissed me saying he hadn't led me on. He's since blocked me on some social media but still watches my stories, its like he's totally avoiding me but it was only a day before that we were great and affectionate in messages. I feel so confused, why do guys do this? I feel really ugly and rejected

[Anonymous]

Someone is reassuring you one minute and gone the next is incredibly painful and disorienting. It’s completely natural to feel blindsided when his words and actions were in such direct conflict.

When he was reassuring you on Friday, he might not have been lying in a malicious way, but rather lying to himself. People who fear conflict often over-compensate by being extra nice or affectionate in messages because they don't know how to communicate a change in heart.

His claim of wanting an emotional connection first and being shy was likely a defense mechanism. It allowed him to control the pace and keep you at a distance. When you expressed a clear need for physical affection, it likely felt like pressure to him, causing him to shut down entirely rather than rise to the occasion.

Please hear this. His inability to be consistent is a reflection of his emotional immaturity, not your desirability. You were honest, communicative, and patient; he was unable to match that transparency.

Good luck.

[MidnightRivers]

Damn this guys is all over the place. Generally just a lack of balls and honesty when guy do it for whatever reason, it could be another girl in the scene, it could an ex sliding in, it could be a change of direction and needs it's not your fault

[Asker]

Thank you, I was also thinking the same. He also described himself as avoidant which I guess isn't great either. I feel like he is just as hurt if he's blocked me and removed me. But its such a qui k turn of events that I genuinley feel a bit gross and horrid that I thought he was different, I spoke so highly of him and thought the same. Feleing embarrassed but it is what it is

[MidnightRivers]

It's because you care, only natural to feel that way. It will wear off in time and will make you stronger / confident with standards and more desirable by better quality men in turn