Why don’t my brothers ever reach out or contact me first?

[Anonymous]

I have two brothers. One is my twin. If I don't call or text, they go to my mom, and my mom makes me talk to them anyway. One is 22, and the other is 27. My aunt and uncle would call me randomly.

[HollyK21]

My guess is that your brothers don’t reach out first because there’s no incentive. The way things have historically gone is that you will always have to reach out first, because your mom will call and basically demand that you do. Now I don’t know if you actually care much, or if you’re just wondering why they don’t reach out first, or if it’s pure curiosity and it’s no big deal otherwise. If this is something that’s bothering you though, then I’d say 22 is a great age to start setting boundaries.



All of you are used to things being run a certain way, but as an adult it’s ok to change the tone. For example, when your mom calls and asks you to call your brothers, I’d simply say “no, their phone works as well and they can also call”. I mean what if your mom is old fashioned, or one of those “boy moms” who fully adheres to her male children without much consideration for the girls? I’m sure you don’t want to live in that dynamic forever. Even if that’s not the dynamic, you’d ultimately want a fairer situation to where they reach out as well.

[Asker]

I tell my mom that they are grown and I am busy with school and other stuff. She doesn't seem to care.

[HollyK21]

Have you tried telling them directly? If not then why?

[Asker]

I asked my older brother. He said no you need to reach out.

[HollyK21]

I feel like that’s an overly entitled way for him to think, but it sucks because your mom is the one who has made it OK your whole lives. That’s why I believe you need to set boundaries with them, and not reach out to either brother until they contact you first. Then if your mom confronts you about it, be the adult that you are and tell her that they need to reach out too. Why? Because it’s not fair and it’s not healthy. It doesn’t matter if it’s a sibling, romantic relationship, a friend, etc, effort should always be a two way road — that means both parties putting in equal effort. Not one doing all the work. You don’t have to life your adult life doing everything your mom tells you to do, have some individuality.

[HollyK21]

Once you put your foot down and make them reach out first, that’s when you will start seeing their true colors and start appreciating the value of your own presence in other people’s lives. You shouldn’t want, and you certainly don’t need, anyone in your life who won’t try for you the way they want you to try for them. You don’t need people that you have to prove yourself too, but never the other way around. You deserve a call, just as they believe they deserve it. And you do not HAVE to prioritize anyone who isn’t mutually prioritizing you.

[Asker]

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that way. I don't know. I feel the same way, but my parents are adamant that I reach out to my brothers despite not seeing that they don't care.

[Asker]

I tell my mom but she doesn't listen. She's like text them and they will text you.

[HollyK21]

My question is, why as a full grown woman do you feel the need to listen to your parents? When will you feel comfortable establishing yourself as an adult with her own mind and her own ability to make decisions? Obviously you don’t want to ruffle feathers or feel uncomfortable if you still live with them, but you shouldn’t accept being treated like a child.

[Asker]

I tell them over and over I don’t want to text my brothers and they keep telling me to keep in touch and that I don’t make much effort. I’m also latina so you might not get that it’s a cultural aspect.

[Anonymous]

They are your brothers. How would we know more than you?

[jahaims]

Why can't you talk to you brothers and ask instead of asking strangers who don't know them or your situation

[exitseven]

I have a twin brother I have not spoken to for almost 20 years. Its just the way it is.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[In_Trance]

Did you ask them?
What did they say?

[Asker]

I think one of them said he was busy. They tend to go to my mom and complain if I don't initiate.