Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

Panic Attacks

Inability to breathe. It feels like my whole chest constricts and the walls are closing in on me, the people who pass me are going to kill me or hurt me in some way. I am completely defenseless, as my mind attacks my body.

I can feel my heart racing in my chest, starting slowly, but speeding up as the attack gets worse. My vision either blurs, or gets spotty. My peripheral vision is gone, tunnel vision. Sometimes I see stars - literally.

If I'm around people, I have to get away. One time, I just up and bolted out of class in the middle of a lecture, only to crash outside in the hall, put my head between my knees, and pray no one got close to me, because I would have hurt someone, I was so on edge between fight or flight.

I feel cold and hot at the same time. I can't talk, I only sob, praying someone doesn't notice me. And they don't, because no one cares.

I get dizzy, so dizzy. Sometimes I get confused, I have to tell myself, you're at home. You are not there anymore. That place doesn't exist anymore. Talking myself down from an attack is so hard.

During my first panic attack, I blacked out. All of my repressed memories and feelings for 2, 3 years, came back at once and my body shut down because it was too much at once to process. I was walking in the hall, and then all of a sudden the walls in my mind came down. I started panicking during a passing time. Hundreds of people in the hall, and I passed out for about 10 seconds. Woke up on the floor.

I get exhausted after attacks. So tired I'm ready to fall asleep standing up. But then the nightmares come if I do.

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

My PTSD

I live with depression. I live with nightmares. Nightmares that you cannot even begin to imagine, I'm starting to cry just thinking about them. The mere thought of them is horrifying.

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

Depression

I get so upset. I don't see the point of living. Life is irrelevant. I don't want to do anything, some days I can't get out of bed. I can't stomach the thought of food some days, and others I just want to eat. Music helps me cope. Today was a day I barely ate. I ate at 4 in the afternoon, about 300 calories. Then again at dinner around 8 or 9, and I couldn't finish a small plate of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and a porkchop. Depression is something I've hid well for years, even way long before the ptsd started.

Nightmares

I die every night in my dreams. I watch my family die. Sometimes it's a stranger. Other times I am forced to watch a natural disaster kill half my family, and I can't protect the other half. Some times I'm forced to choose to kill either a stranger, or my family. Or I'm forced to choose between what family members die, or they all die. I can die for them sometimes. Sometimes it's fire. Water, drowning. Guns. I'll go days without sleeping just to delay the nightmares.

The nightmares don't come just once a night or so. I think the record was 8 or 9, in a single night. When I'm having them, it averages 3-4 a night for months at a time. I'll wake up crying from one, then it feels like sleep is dragging me back, and I go straight into another horror. My friends said I was screaming in my sleep the other day, screaming bloody murder at their house when I slept over, and I can't even remember the dream that made me scream.

Can you imagine watching your family or loved ones die, even once, waking up and realizing it's a nightmare, only a nightmare? Over and over, every single night? There have been many nights where I go and I run to their rooms in a panic, crying from relief when I see them sleeping much more soundly than me.

Physical touch

I've been trying to move on. Forget everything that has happened to me. Last night I was on a second date with someone, everything was great, we got a little handsy and he touched my chest. It was fine at first, great. Then all of a sudden, memories swarmed my mind. Flashbacks. I started crying and just pushed him away. He hugged me, I couldn't handle that either. Nor could I handle a simple touch on my back or my shoulder. It physically HURT. Like wherever he touched was on fire, being electrocuted. It hurt so bad. And of course, awkward first date talk, but I had to explain to him that it wasn't him, that I had PTSD and this is how it affects me sometimes. Like someone could be fingering me, it can be great, then all of a sudden, I need them to stop on the drop of a dime.

Flashbacks

They say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. Imagine your life flashing before your eyes now, at 10 memories a seconds, and only the bad ones. The horrible ones. The ones where you were molested, attacked, where you find out how close your family was to being killed. How close you were to being raped. Over and over again. It's like you're reliving it, over and over. I can tell you all the precise details of when my younger brother tried to run away, of the fights on the porch, of going to the park with my younger brother to let them fight it out and get him away from it all, because he shouldn't grow up like this. When I have flashbacks, I'm only half here in the present. I'm also half there, in the fights. Sometimes I don't see during my flashbacks. I just have a blank stare. I can hardly breathe, my breathing slows so much. Someone can try talking to me, and I can't respond, I'm just trying to hold it together and not break out crying again. I can't focus on what they're saying, because the people in my memories are fighting again, and I can only focus on that time.

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

Hyperarousal

Apparently wanting a wall to your back in diners and such is a symptom of this. Which is exactly what I do. With a wall behind you, that's one less space someone can come up on you from. I can better see what's coming.

In general

My PTSD did not get bad until about 3 years ago. It's been 5 since 'it' happened. The event. PTSD can start months, years, after an incident. I had blocked out all emotions for 2 years. Became distant. Then something made me feel again, I don't remember what or who it was. All my walls came crashing down and I melted. My nightmares are just coming back after a 2 month break from them. My mom says I'll be fine, I'm already working 40 hours a week for one company, and I have an extra job too. I want to get a 3rd job, and she has no idea that the reason why, is because I need to stay busy to keep the PTSD at bay. I HAVE to.

My parents have no idea how bad my ptsd is. I asked them for help about 2 years ago when I was first getting nightmares. They were like, you have ptsd? since when? Since years. I didn't end up in counseling. plans fell through. and I got worse. I don't tell my family how bad it is. I can't dwell on it.

I get severe migraines sometimes. From all of the flashbacks and panic attacks. The sleepless nights. They can last for days.

I am not suicidal. I am just sharing my experiences with ptsd, and how it affects me, so that others who are affected by it might be able to relate.

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/health-fitness/a50653-ptsd-raising-mental-awareness-take-1

I wrote the take in this link a while ago, this is a short list of causes, symptoms, and treatments for ptsd.

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

Panic attacks, PTSD, and the Affects it Has Every Single Day

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Welcome to the family sister. Not really a family people want to join but having others who know how it feels and can relate is healthy. I know exactly how you feel because I have those things as well. Back to a wall 2 or more escape routes at all times. Loud noises mess with my focus, and my concentration. Lots of people make me physically sick. Spent a lot of time getting over the physical issues so I can deal with physical contact though I still don't really like it. Violence of any kind brings me back to when I was 3 and my birth parents were fighting. Several more depression, when I get flashbacks I get super OCD to calm to down, almost strangled my best friend when he woke me up when I was having a night terror... That was uncomfortable While a lot of people will be able to sympathize with you I can say with 100% certainty that I know exactly what it feels like so I know what you mean.

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    • I fell asleep on someone once, I had known him for a few months but it was comfortable laying next to someone. He stayed awake, and he noticed when I was getting stressed in my sleep. squeezed me tighter, I guess to hug me, but it woke me up and I started swinging and screaming. I'm afraid to fall asleep on anyone except for one person, my best friend who knows everything, except for how bad the PTSD actually is.

      When I get flashbacks nothing helps. They can last 20 minutes. They can last 4 hours. The best thing for them is for me to lay down or sit down and just go through them. I literally sit for hours, staring, maybe blinking very seldomly, just watching everything happen over and over again. It's horrible. I can function with them, but I can hardly remember a thing from the present after they pass.

    • I worked in a taco bell, and we'd play hide and seek or the floor is lava (basically get off the floor somehow), just stupid little games in our free time. One day we were playing and I just climbed the ladder to the roof. When they found me, they were like wtf, how did you think of that, no one ever has before? I couldn't tell them it's because I'm always looking for a way to escape from somewhere, just in case xD

      I used to be fine with elevators and escalators. Now I hate both, because I'm afraid they'll malfunction. I have been stuck on an elevator before - those were a bad few minutes.

      Physical contact is hard for me. I crave physical attention, but it's not something I've had a lot of since I shy away from people. Now it hurts sometimes. Like for the last year, until recently, it hurt to have my chest touched. Period. hurt like hell.

      It is good to know others can relate, but I hate that other people have to go through what I go through with this.

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What Guys Said 7

  • PTSD is for the weak minded
    Fear is for the weak minded

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  • I mean get help from a professional and do your best to control it, my dad always said the best way to overcome a fear was to just do it. Nothing much else you can do

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  • Thank you for this information
    I’m glad I have a slightly better understanding of these issues.
    Best of luck.

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  • You are very brave for sharing what you face everyday. There is the option of going anonymous and you ignored it, that´s a good sign. What worries me is the fact that you have been hiding your condition from your parents. I know, you told them and it seems they didn't take it seriously but you need help, although where you live is a hostile environment, with PTSD the worst you can do is believe you can face it by your own. Rely on your friends for group support and if your social circle grow with supportive people it would be much better.

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    • I was considering going anonymous lol, almost did. Still might. Some days are better than others. the past 2 months have been the best since is started, but now thing are going back downhill. I'll be fine, always am.

      I don't tell my parents because they don't need to be concerned about me. They have so much on their plate already. They took it seriously when I told them, they were going to get me into counseling, but plans fell through and it was forgotten.

      I face most of it on my own. There is one person who knows how bad the nightmares can get, he's been one of my biggest supporters. I still rarely talk to people until it gets so bad I can't handle it.

  • Sorry to hear this. That's debilitating

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    • It is. When I can function it's good, like right now. But the nightmares are coming back, it's been several months without them. I worked almost 55 hours this week and I still want to get another job because it'll help me keep busy - which helps my ptsd.

    • I wish you the best

  • This is pathetic. I pity you

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  • l understand it all? lets talk about it?

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What Girls Said 4

  • My sister has had Anxiety and Depression for Years and Sees a Therapist and with this, Meds, Which have Helped her Immensely. She could Never have gotten this Far without both. xx

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    • Nice MyTake. xx

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    • Mine too <3

    • That's wonderful. xx

  • I know how you feel. When I was 21 my PTSD from being raped got really bad.

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    • I'm sorry to hear, but trust me I know how it feels <3 have things improved for you at all? some things are better for me, other things are getting worse

    • Yeah, things are getting better now. Did you have anyone care for you afterward?

    • That's good. And no, I've dealt with this alone except for the rare occasions I tell people when I can't sleep. My parents still have no idea how bad it got, and I don't plan on telling them, they don't need to worry

  • are you more prone to get innto altercations?

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    • Not me. I've never been in a physical fight, though I used to yell a lot. I'd get upset much easier. I was fine until I got panic attacks at school, and with those I'd just leave school. Walk out

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    • you have to follow me I think

  • my mom has panic attack but she never embrace it

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    • There's no way to embrace panic attacks.. they're horrible

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