My Bittersweet Depression...

A_Nihilist
My Bittersweet Depression...

First and foremost I would like to put forth the fact that this piece of literature is nothing more than my own personal opinion on my own depression. This will be written with my depression, my mindset and my experience in mind. I am in no way devaluing the seriousness of depression nor do I mock it in any way, shape or form. This is a completely serious philosophy.

I still imagine a great number of you may react unfavourably towards my opinions I state from here on out. Which is fine, all that I ask is that if you have an opinion on the matter, that you keep it mature and civil. Thank you.

With that out the way, let's move on to the topic at hand... My Bittersweet Depression. Named so because while I understand that depression can be a poison that we live and breathe with every single day. Though poison, much like a drug, can cling to the system like a parasite. As much as we want to put it down or get rid of it, a good portion of us simply can't.

It is my opinion, my philosophy, that depression, is not inherently a bad thing. Now before you get your torches and pitchforks, please read the full content of this piece of work.

I'm not entirely sure how I plan on structuring this take, but I do not plan on editing it either. I will give you the raw unfiltered thought process as it comes across. I may look at pros and cons, though I doubt that would be effective or descriptive in any way. Perhaps by the time you finish reading this, it may have helped alleviate some of the pain you yourself have in your heart.

To make my point as clear as possible I will try to give some form of context to the final view I have on depression as a whole.

As much as I have grown as a person over the years, throughout my childhood, throughout my teens and even now in my adult life. There has been the good and the bad, the bullying of school, the lack of friendships and lengthy bonds, the loves and losts and all the abuse that happens before and after said relationships. Do not misconstrue this as a pity part post as I seek no empathy for past transgressions against me, I am over them. But that is not to say that they have not played a big part in shaping who I am today, that is also not to say that the memory of them won't forever be a black mark on my memory.

I won't go into detail on the history of my life as that is not what this post is about.

As you live, learn, grow and meet many types of people. More often than not the bad, rather than the good, can add little by little to your depression over time. Be it family, friends or otherwise. All these experiences mount up to this cursed blessing of mine, this bittersweet depression. Not only to myself to others, in many different forms.

I have suffered greatly because of it. I have harmed myself, I have harmed others emotionally, I have made attempts on my life. Even now, as my head hits the pillow every night, my mind won't shut off, it just won't stop thinking of my lack of desire to be alive. I can't stop thinking about how I don't want to be who I am physically, rather than emotionally or mentally. How I want to change, but knowing that I won't be able to, I can't bring myself to because depression is one big rut, a ditch, a dead end, a ball and chain.

Now at this point, I feel like I should have conveyed the harsh reality of depression, the cons. At this point it is my hope to have you wondering "What could this person possibly be thinking? How could he state that depression can be a good thing?". If I have then please continue reading.

My bittersweet depression, why is it that I believe that you are not inherently a bad thing? I have been living with you for as long as I can remember, if I was to put an estimate on the time span where I have had this blessed curse of mine. I would take a guess at fourteen years or more. Why is it that you stay with me all this time? Why is it that I can't let you go?

The answer to that is what I view as something quite simple, a very simple point of view. To others, I may appear confused, sick, insane or even a madman rambling away to myself.

I believe that depression is not inherently a bad thing because it can leave a lot of room for self growth, this poison that nips and bites at our heart like parasites burrowing deeper and deeper into our core. I believe that after such a long time of being this way, having this thing, this bittersweet depression, that it is who I am. If I discard this depression, it would be as if I am discarding myself along with it.

Who am I if not this pessimistic, cynical, narcissistic, nihilistic and overall depressed person? More to the point, who would I be without it? I can not imagine, I really can not imagine it. If I were to imagine it like some fairy tale, I suppose the "happy normal me" would be cheerful, extroverted, with many friends and who never has his down days. I can not imagine who I would be without my bittersweet depression. The dark has been a part of me for so long, perhaps I have become afraid of the light, but that doesn't quite seem right to me personally.

I am thankful for my depression. I am thankful for all the years of scorn, mockery, rejection, abuse, mistreatment, suicidal thoughts, family problems, crazy exes, lost friends, enemies and deaths of those I held closest in this world. These are all a part of who I am, they are all a part of my depression.

Depression is not a bad thing if you choose to accept it, if you acknowledge that it is a blessing hidden among a curse. It will hurt a lot at first, but as time goes on, you find yourself learning to live with it. You find it consuming who you are, and sometimes that's okay.

My bittersweet depression, through all the pain, you have stayed with me all these years. Every wound inflicted, every tear shed, every scar gained and every kind word to balm past pains from those who have tried and failed to help. Every terrible moment, every breath shaking moment, every foul memory you have given me. Has been an invaluable lesson learned through time, patience and reflection upon the past.

To those of you who have made it to the very end of this, to those of you who have read every single word of this messy process of thought, thank you. To those of you who skipped to the very end and skimmed their way through it... you smell.

Last but not least, please feel free to post your thoughts below. However please be mature about this. I am not here to defend myself against comments that are posted with malicious intent, trolling or generally offended over this post in general. I will not be debating or arguing with anyone, I will not be going deeper into the points of "why depression is horrible and no one should have it" I also do not wish to go further into why I feel that depression is a good thing either. I have said all I have to say.

My Bittersweet Depression...
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