Predicting the future
Right now my life sucks, and it's not because my life sucks in this moment but because the future is a mess. I never live only in this moment, I'm always preoccupied with how things will turn out in the future. That's why autistic people love stability because it reduces the variables and makes the future more predictable. The reason I need to do this is because I suck at making complicated decisions on the spot, reacting to unforeseen difficulties etc. So I think about how this is going to play out ahead of time and decide how I'll handle each of those situations and then I just have to follow the playbook.
That's why people are a problem because they make every chain of possibilities way more complicated because you don't know how they'll react. I've gotten pretty good at predicting people's behavior in normal situations but when something extraordinary is going on I don't trust my predictions as much because you never know what people will do under pressure or when they really want something or in a conflict, things could get out of hand so I try and avoid situations like that.
My Situation
Right now I'm waiting for the result of my disability assessment I had to go to these tests and it stressed me out a lot but it's over now so all I have to do is wait. But the situation is still up in the air which is never something I like. And at the same time we're being kicked out of our house in March next year and my housemate is looking for a new house asap. He wanted me to come along but it required me to sign a contract where I could potentially be liable for the entire rent of the house and I can't do that. Having to tell people stuff they don't like, ruin their plans etc. is also something I usually avoid because of the unpredictability. (I told him today and he reacted angrily as I expected) and I haven't fully decided what I want to do about my living situation yet so now I might have more time pressure. They might find a house quickly and move out and I'll be in trouble. The more I think about it the more I want to live alone again though. In this stressful time recently I've wanted to be alone constantly so I've only been in my room or outside and it would be nice to use the entire place again.
I haven't cooked in ages mainly because I don't like being around people atm and the kitchen is a public area. When I live alone I can do that again. I feel like I've progressed a lot when it comes to emotional maturity/intelligence and socializing. In the past it was good to have people in the house as a crutch to give me a little social contact even when I don't go out and also improve my social skills by living with people. But now I feel I've come far enough that I can live alone and build up a social life for myself and go out to meet people. So I'd get the privacy and the social benefits.
The thing is right now I don't have a lot of Money and so I'd have to find a cheap place and then if I get the disability money I'd have to move again if I wanted to upgrade. Also I want to move back to Zürich and looking for apartments there is the biggest pain there is.
What I like
So what does someone with autism like?
A secure place to stay with no foreseeable end date.
Saving money. I love saving money so I could live months and months from my savings without any income. This gives me security in case something goes wrong and also I don't have to spend time on budgeting I know I can just buy someone a drink if I want to, go on a trip to another country or buy a new PC without having to worry about anything.
Free time, so I can stay fit but rest enough and I'll be ready for any challenge that comes up.
Things with rules. Playing a sport with rules it's predictable how the other people will act. In Asia socializing has rules so that's something I'd like too.
Structure. I like planning my week and stuff but when things get too regular I also get bored again and lose motivation. That's more of a adhd trait which I don't have strongly anymore but some aspects of it still apply to me. This makes it really hard to be independent and productive that I desperately need structure but then when I have it sometimes it's too much.
Survival Mode
The only exception to what I wrote above is Survival Mode as I call it. When something comes up that has a huge negative impact on my life and it's imminent then I enter survival mode. It's not really something I can control it just happens. Basically what it is is that I stop thinking about the future and focus all my attention and energy on here and now. I can't usually do that even if I try. It doesn't always have to be 100% though. Like when I was in school and I knew if I failed one more semester I would be kicked out I never failed again that was also because of this but it wasn't one moment it was more just that it made me focus more on school. When I was homeless and the possibility started to come up that it could get really bad for me it helped me get through all the paperwork and other stuff to finally get a room that I was usually very bad at.
And extreme example would be if someone wanted to kill me and I'd have to be aware of that to my core. If someone just shot me out of nowhere of course it wouldn't have time to kick in. It's my subconscious that decides when survival mode is activated sometimes it might take a while even in a dangerous situation. But if I knew someone would want to kill me it would also make me really focused and I could block out my emotions too. Usually I can think more clearly when I'm under pressure when I can only think of the solution and block out anything else . This is very reassuring to know that when shit gets really bad that I can rely on this to get me through. That's why I don't panic in situations where other people think it's a terrible situation because I know I can switch gears when I need to.
It's kind of weird that my whole way of thinking is set up to avoid conflict and crisis but I'm actually the most effective, decisive and efficient when it does happen. But this is really a last resort it's not something that can be used regularly or for fun.
Hope this was interesting and have a nice day :)
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
Honestly, everything you described is what all people go through. These are the logistics and worries of life. I think you may have more challenges to understand yourself, and others, and your level of distress over these things is more than the majority/a lot of people, but even if you didn't have autism, you would still have to deal with all of these issues.
I wonder if maybe you should try to mitigate your mind thinking of you as different, and instead think of these things as 'That's life. Sucks sometimes.'
It's not that I think this is terrible but when I find a gokd way to explain something I like to write it down 😁.
You know what you're right. This self analyzing was good in the beginning but I'm not getting anywhere anymore. I've been so used to being different and not knowing why but I've actually adjusted quite well now. Now I need to just trust it more.
"The thing is right now I don't have a lot of Money..."
"Saving money. I love saving money so I could live months and months from my savings without any income. This gives me security in case something goes wrong..."
So which is it?
Usually I have a lot of money but right now I'm in a really difficult situation I had to go on welfare to wait for them to decide if I'll get disability or not and they only accept you if you have no money so I lived off my savings for 4 months and then I applied again. So all my money is gone now but if I get disability I'll get it back. So we'll see what happens.
This was a REALLY good take, dude. Thanks for sharing it. I actually understood pretty much everything that you said. I can identify with what you're feeling, too. Unstable housing really sucks.
One of these days I'm going to buy my own place.
About the saving money, though... You really still need to continue to budget even then. Otherwise all of your saving is in vain.
Really? Thank you. :)
Yes; really!
And you're welcome!