Autism and my life


First and foremost, I do appologize to anyone reading this; its not meant to see the light of day. Rather, its for my own benefit on venting about a topic I shall never speak of to anyone.

I believe having been on the spectrum has had a profoundly negative impact on my life thus far. In particular, I mean the affect autism has on social isolation and more importantly my dating life... or lack thereof. My parents were very old when they had me; both late 40s to be percise and maintain a shred of anonymity. Consequently, I developed autism, albeit less severe than other perhaps unfortunate individuals.

In second grade; I begrudgingly had no idea how to express myself. I found myself dazed within the confines of small details. I remember vividly being fixated on how a "helicopter" seed fell; its path downward, the relation of its movements to hot air and stupidly enough whether my heartbeat impacted its fall. Well, unfortunately for reasons I understood later in life, this fixation would later manifest itself through interpratively creepy behaviour on my own part; I had taken an interest in a specific girl. As you would expect from an autistic kid; I had no empathy at the time. Unfortunately, she was nonconfrontaitional. Regardless, she wanted me to stop, but didn't know how, so she told her parents that I raped her. As you could imagine this was a pretty big deal that would later result in her leaving the school disctrict and my school board becomming overly infatuated with the concept of me being autistic.

Even in second grade; my life got messed up in a big way. The school made me speak to counsellors on the regular, whom did everything from test my IQ to later prescribing a 7 year old Ritalin. Before you know it, the school board assigned me the label of "special kid" and attached me to the class with other... special kids. I'll let you guys imagine how well that turned out; one hint is that just one of the other kids in that social circle was always pulling his pants down... all. the. way. This would happen during scheduled reading time, peeing at the urinal; you name it, he did it! So yeah, fast forward to 5th grade; I became a social outcast and the school system assigned a highschooler to be my "friend"/lunch buddy; I'll admit this was the one area the school system did right. Anyways, the local middle school didn't see it as necessary to attach me to the special ed class.

High school was a different story though, upon reviewing my history they attached me to what they labelled as "study hall." In reality though, this is the mandatory period where special ed students and troubled kids got assigned. Like every other highschooler; I was having an identity crisis. I was tired of being guilty by association and labelled as society's retard. By the end of my sophmore year, a special ed teacher took pity on me and recommended me for removal; to which, I'm grateful. However, the damage had already been done; other peers would look at me as if I had been tainted. Not seeing another way of dealing with my issues; I avoided all cliche highschool experiences and regretably isolated myself further within the confines of my own making. I realized high school wasn't for me and effectively dropped out, opting for an early college experience on a program that the school system paid for the tuition costs. Unfortunately, my mind had not been on passing classes as I was chasing experiences a normal kid would have gotten in high school. I lost my virginity to a lady who was 27 years older than me. I don't know.

Today, I'm now in my mid-twenties. I still have yet to actually get my first girlfriend, or even funnier, first base with a girl. Anyways, cheers you made it through the vent before I remove this shameful post.

Autism and my life
Autism and my life
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