I Don't Fit His Mom's Ideal Daughter In Law...

[Julia_Dorst]

So I've been together with my boyfriend for 8 months now, and god do I love him!:D

He's absolutely perfect!:) He's sweet and loving and caring and handsome and funny and just everything I look for in a guy^^

And our relationship is like this fairytale... we have had a couple of fights but somehow we end up laying in each others arms in bed feeling even more in love! I can come to him with all my problems and I know he'll do anything to make me happy! and I do my best to make him as happy as possible:D I love him with all my heart!:D

And he's christian, and I am not:P Which is totally fine with me, I waited for him to want to have sex (which took 6 months) and I go to church with him every once in a while and if the church has some fair I'll be the first one to help collect money:)

But his mom always is really weird to me, so I asked him to talk to her, 'cause I couldn't do more to impress her. so he asked her what her problem with me is. and I do not fit the image of the girlfriend she had in store for him. I'm not christian, or blond or shorter than him or skinny (I'm rather big)... But what do I do now, should I just be like: f*** you? or should I try to impress her even more? or how can I make her like me a bit more?

[QueenKatie]

First of all, it's fantastic that you and your boyfriend have such a great connection! I am so happy for you. You are clearly a very thoughtful girlfriend and your boyfriend is a lucky man to have found someone so thoughtful at your age. I am sure he appreciates you as much as you love him.

It is also really sweet that you care so much about getting along with his family, and see the importance of keeping his parents on side. However, it seems like you may be thinking about this in quite a stark way: the alternative you propose is either to reject his mother's perspective completely, or to try your hardest to impress her. I would suggest that neither of those represents a particularly good course of action. Ignoring his mother's perspective is highly likely to lead to conflict, which could place your boyfriend in a very painful position stuck between the two of you as you bicker and argue. This is to be avoided at all costs - it's not healthy for anyone! But trying your absolute best to impress is also not a wise course. Though it's good to make an effort to be polite, you should try to be yourself as much as possible around her. Not only is this more genuine (someone desperate to impress can come over as weak or fake), but it also means that you're not placing all of your self-worth in her hands. If you place your reliance on impressing her, and she remains resolutely unimpressed, you are going to feel very hurt and annoyed. If you're nice and polite, but still yourself, you're not giving her the same power to reject you.

I would argue that there are many other options available to you, inbetween those two extremes. First of all, try to see the situation from her perspective: imagine yourself as a fiercely proud and protective mother of a handsome and respectful son. You might well feel that no girl would probably be good enough for him! Also, some mothers can be quite jealous of their sons growing up and having their own lives: it's a big shift away and possessive types can become quite fearful of losing their sons' attention and affection. You're quite young, and he may not have brought home many girls before, so she may simply need some time to get used to the idea of her darling having another woman in his life!

In some ways, you need to be the mature one in this relationship. This is going to be hard. You know, in your heart of hearts, that her criticisms of your beliefs and appearance are deeply unfair and don't do justice to your beauty and worth as a person. Therefore, you need to do the grown-up thing and let those criticisms go unheeded. Simultaneously you have to try to understand and allay the maternal insecurities causing them. Try to show her that you are a good person, even though you are not a christian, and that you are beautiful inside and out, even though you're not blonde. But be yourself. You're worth loving just as you are!

[Julia_Dorst]

Thank you!:D

[thelittlethings]

Keep doing what you're doing. Just be you. You don't need to try harder. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't get to pick her daughter in law, that is somethin her son chooses. Whether she likes you or not, he does, and that is what matters. You are with him, not her. Yeah, it sucks she doesn't like you. But that's her problem. And very selfish of her to even say things like that and put her son in an awkward situation that should have never been there in the first place. If you make her son happy, that is all she should care about.

[WTKWAN]

tell your boyfriend's mom that you've been working out and caring more about your weight recently-she'd feel respected and would feel like you agree with her and you're making an effort to be the daughter in law she wants.