Why is it wrong for me to feel this way if I'm obese?

I'm 19 and have struggled with an eating disorder for 5 years. I have gained 100 lbs and I'm so disgusted with myself. I never thought I would be obese. I never go out in public because I'm so embarrassed of how I look. I probably haven't hung out with friends in over a year because I stay in the house because of how big I am. I write fat, disgusting, ugly etc on my arm so when I reach for food I won't get it so I'm reminded why I don't need food. I don't deserve it. I feel ugly and won't feel beautiful again until I'm skinny. Im so hideous and unattractive right now and I genuinely hate myself for it. I get really angry with myself if I don't lose the amount of weight I want to lose in a week. I seriously feel worthless and that I look repulsive. I'm really hard on myself but it should be better than me laying around and not working out and eating healthy. I've lost 40 lbs and I'm not proud of it because I haven't reached my goal. Everyone tells me I shouldn't live like this. What is wrong with me thinking like this?
Why is it wrong for me to feel this way if I'm obese?
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