How do I tell her to work out with me, diet with me, etc.?

[involved6]

My girlfriend's mother was an anorexic (and more or less still IS), and as a result, was overly obsessed with my girlfriends weight in her childhood. Obviously, living a life where food was restricted, but no real dietary information was offered, she began to horde food when she was hungry, and gained weight. Before we started dating, she lost a lot of that childhood weight, but remains unbelievably sensitive to weight-related criticism.

When we first started dating, we had both been single for more than 16 months, and were in fairly good shape, in order to "attract a mate", I guess you could call it. As we dated, we went out to eat more and more, until we actually went out most nights to eat. In addition to being unbelievably expensive, it was also unhealthy, and we both gained 50lbs or more over another 16 months. We are now both quite out of shape, but every time I try to suggest a diet and exercise, she freaks out, saying that because I'm mentioning those things, I must be repulsed by the way she looks. This is untrue. She needs to lose the weight, I need to lose it more, because I want to get back to how I was as a young stud ;), but its starting to affect our sex lives (drive, positions, stamina, etc), and is actually starting to turn me off a little towards her sexually, though I think she is beautiful and love her VERY much.

What are my options in a situation like this?

[wayway]

Oh involved6, you are in a loving minefield! I have been the woman in that situation and have since lost the weight. You have to keep in mind that though your intentions in what you say are completely separate from her mother's remarks about her weight, she cannot see a difference right now. When she is "freaking" at you, she is REALLY freaking at her mother.

No, it is not healthy to be at an anorexic weight, it is also not healthy to be 50 lbs overweight. No, it is not healthy to belittle someone and try to make him/her think that his/her self worth is defined by the numbers on his/her scale--which is what I am "guessing" her mother did.

It sounds like your girlfriend is struggling with some "self worth" issues, meaning she knows that what her mother would say to her is wrong and MAY feel that losing the weight is proving her mother "right" in a way.

You need to be clear that you do NOT think her mother is "right" for how she treated weight related issues and that you do not place "moral value" on weight loss, that it is STRICTLY a health issue and you know she has to do it for her and her alone.

I think it is great that you can be honest with yourself about how this makes you feel. I would suggest have a night where you have lots of really good sex to make her feel good and then INVITE her to go work out with you. Say it really turns you on or something and make it into a fun activity that you guys can do together instead of making yourself into her "personal trainer" (BTW exercise IS an aphrodisiac ;) ). Tell her she looks hot when she works out and then shower together and cook her a healthy meal. It'll make you both feel good and will allow her to get healthy again without her thinking she is dating her mother.

[involved6]

I...love...your...words!

Thank you, that makes SO much sense! I will gladly follow your advice!

[wayway]

Awww, well glad I could help :) Good luck!

[kimberlyinspired]

Show her how you can make yourself feel better. Prove to her that you can look like the stud you want to be. Do activies that might want to keep both your minds off food. Go for walks, see a movie (no popcorn) eat better food, and pace yourself. Tell her how beautiful she looks, and if saying it does nothing, show her.

My guy hates his body, true, he is a little overweight, but I love how he looks, and with some encouragement, he loves his body too. I told him, if he wants to lose weight, then I will work out with him too, and eat better (because I really should) but its activies and food that you eat that affects your mood. I say more words of encouragement.

[jocard09]

This is a dating site with the intent to help people with the different aspects of dating. What you need is to take your girlfriend to a psychologist or something. Unfortunately, most of us deal with normal relationships and your problem needs to be addressed by a professional.

[involved6]

What?

No, I think this is a problem common among men and women in a dating situation. Hers may have extenuating circumstances, but finding out how to properly address a fitness/weight concern is definitely appropriate for this site.

[InsomniacDude]

Nice to see some real love in this day an ages =)

How about you try talking to her about it in less of a visual or looks sense.but more of the medical and health issues that come with overweight?

Not much else I can say exceopt best of luck to the both of thee!

[sanam]

You said it yourself, you LOVE her very much!

let her know that that's the reason why you think this is important!

and that you see it as a way of making things between you two better!

be gentle and considerate to her feeling and past, and I'm sure she'll understand!

best of luck!

[queeniegreen]

ask her if she wants to work out, if she says no then try working out alone and if she sees that you have lost some kind of weight, then she will try to lose weight too. Don't pressure her or threaghten her. She might be a little confused at what to do.

Tell her about dieting gently I think she might listen to you.