How can I emotionally toughen up even more?

[Anonymous]

I used to be the sensitive kid who got bullied in middle school both by teachers (called incompetent, good for nothing) and classmates (spat on, punched, pestered). In high school I was in with a girl and I suffered a lot in the relationship. Now, in my early 20s, I've toughened up, but I feel it's not enough to face the transition into the workforce and to become 'successful'. I am intellectually strong and it would be a shame not to achieve my potential because of my emotional sensitivity. The people I am closest with tell me the same thing: You are never intellectually unprepared, only emotionally

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I'm still a lifelong student to the subject also having started off being extremely sensitive myself (combined with a short temper), but the most incredibly helpful thing for me was to start studying about Stoicism.

>> "He is the most powerful who has power over himself." -- Seneca

At the heart of Stoicism is the dichotomy of control: to recognize the difference between the internal things we can control (our thoughts, our actions) vs. the external things we can't (what others do and say, e. g.). To liberate ourselves from being concerned with the external things we can't control is to free ourselves from self-imposed slavery and find inner peace and joy.

There are so many nuggets of wisdom I find in Stoicism. It's also the inspiration behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Take this marvelous quote (a life-changer for me prone to a short temper which I foolishly used to associate as a manly trait):

"To be moved by anger is not manly, but courtesy and kindness, as they are more agreeable to human nature, so also are they more manly; and he who possesses these qualities possesses strength, nerves and courage, and not the man who is subject to fits of rage and discontent. The nearer one's mind is to freedom from anger, the nearer it is to strength, and as pain is a characteristic of weakness, so also is anger. For he who yields to pain and he who yields to anger, both are wounded and submit." -- Marcus Aurelius

Something also very helpful is to understand that even the very words we use in our inner dialogues (as well as communicate outwardly) affect the way we feel. For example, if you say you had a "difficult, stressful" day at work (internally in your thoughts or to others), that will likely make you feel more upset and stressed than to describe it as a "challenging" day at work. Reframing the language you use to describe things can make a world of difference in mitigating stress and being more resistant to becoming upset.

I can't recommend Stoicism enough. It's an extensive topic though. A great start is Meditations from Marcus Aurelius along with the writings of Seneca and The Discourses of Epictetus. I still have much to study on it but I keep finding new nuggets of wisdom here and there that help me to stay positive and cultivate my inner joy.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Or "awful" might be a better example. If you describe a hard day at work as "awful", that will probably make you feel awful while "challenging" likely won't. If you enjoy challenges, that might even motivate and encourage you while describing something as "awful" will likely discourage and upset someone. That's more CBT than Stoicism to reframe our thoughts although Stoicism does emphasize the goal of reframing our thoughts:

"Man is not affected by events, but by the view he takes of them." -- Epictetus

CBT goes into the reframing of the view a bit more specifically, and studying CBT might be helpful as well.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo dude, being emotionally tough ain't easy. Sounds like you've already come a long way from getting bullied in school, so props to you for that. A few things that might help toughen up more:

- Put yourself out there even when it's uncomfortable. Volunteer for presentations, talk to new people, gotta get used to feeling nervous.

- Own your mistakes. When you mess up, don't make excuses, just admit it, learn from it, and move on. Shows confidence.

- Work on not caring what others think. Easier said than done, I know, but don't let rejection or criticism get you down so much. You do you.

- Push your limits. Try new challenging things even if you're out of your comfort zone. Conquering fears/obstacles makes you stronger emotionally.

- Talk to successful people you respect and ask how they deal with setbacks/pressure. They've been through it too.

- Stay true to who you are. Don't try to be someone you're not to please others or prove yourself. You got this!

And hey, it's okay to feel sensitive sometimes. Just don't let it control you. You've come this far - know you've got what it takes to go far in your career too. Keep your head up dude!

[MemeSupreme]

therapy can help. ik, ew... it's gross and smells nasty

BUT therapists are like "bro these habits of yours suck so like cope this way instead." they guide ya and can help you process shit. so like that and experiencing new things helps like challenges

[Asker]

I've been doing therapy for almost three years. It definitely helps. My therapist tells me that I am much better than three years ago. I overcame my bad phase from the pandemic times. When I lost my job I was nowhere near as depressed.
It's a slow but sure process, but I have to speed it up now to be able to get a new job to afford to move out of my parents' house again, to allow myself to approach women who want to marry and have a family, and to be what I am supposed to be at my age