Being a coward is ruining my life?

[Anonymous]

8 years ago, I was involved in a serious fight that left me with a Traumatic Brain Injury. This injury is one of the catalysts as to why my life is the way it is today. Although I thankfully didn't suffer any physical ailments following this, it did a number on my psyche. One thing it has turned me into is a coward. I used to like fighting, and I studied Goju-Ryu Karate prior to the fight & Muay Thai after and I got really good at them, but I'd never go full out in sparring, maybe about 40-50%. But I hate that I'm in fear of getting smashed when I know I'm capable of smashing someone too. I have decent cardio, and although I'm not a big guy, I'm not small. I have a decent amount of lean muscle on me. I say this because there are instances when you have no chance but to fight, and a lot of people say you should only fight when its a life or death situation but that is not true. I'm tired of avoiding confrontation when I know I need to stand up for myself, whether it stays verbal or turns physical, and then pondering about it after on what I should've done. Men only respect violence. I want the confidence to be able to take on 10+ people and not be in fear. Maybe I just have to feign confidence.

[Levin]

Sounds like there's a number of repressed fears and emotions which need to find expression in some form, perhaps through counselling. You're not a coward, you've been through trauma and you've come out the other side. It ain't easy. Pat yourself on the back rather than slaughtering yourself all the time. I mean, seriously, why do you do that?

Because of this psychological wound I see you're in danger of not perceiving your environment correctly. Namely, that you might get into some kind of confrontation out of fear or in order to prove yourself, and end up seriously hurting someone.

Of course, there are times when there is no choice but to fight, but usually it's the ego that gets in the way at a way earlier stage than that. I know myself I've been glad I've shown restraint. People are idiots and I would waste my life away in prison for smashing some halfwit's face in. Needless fighting doesn't make you strong. People do it out of fear, therefore, only the weakest fight when most times it is not needed. Just recently someone squirted me with a watergun through a car window, when I was in a horrific mood out on a walk. I would have throttled him if I could have gotten hold of him. I would have chased after him and thrown rocks at the car. All over such a triviality. And that was based on the weakness of how I was feeling about myself.

Fear is also a natural response. You should be in fear whether you fight one or fight 10. It's about the most foundational survival instinct of the organism.

Maybe there are deeper things in your life that need working on, to make you feel better about yourself, too. You make it sounds like there could be boundary issues. That's all about using your words in a clever way, standing up for yourself with the right words, situational awareness, energy, and calm demeanour, so things don't escalate. Most fights start way before actual physical confrontation.

Also, man, if possible, just move into a better area.

“A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

[Jeff51]

Have you been to a counselor to try and fund out your issues? Maybe it's just taking you a long time to figure your own stuff out.

[Asker]

I did for a few sessions and it was a waste of time. Just felt like I was telling an anonymous person my problems. Didn't leave me with any clarity.

[Jeff51]

Don't think asking here will be better

[Jeff51]

Thank you for MHO

[wynn-ing]

Descalation is a skill that would serve anyone well but especially underrated for men because you are one of many who thinks fighting is the answer to problems that doesn't have to turn into brawls. That's all fine and good until someone gets a TBI and get fucked for life.
Now, that is not to say you should never get into fights or stand up for yourself by physical means - you should and I trust your training has helped you along with that. However, you have to evaluate whether it is worth it. If it is, go as far as you must to keep you in the clear and them out of bounds.

If you want to deal with this dilemma the brute force way, work on your physical body and get stronger. If you want to deal with this the psychological way, change your perception of what it means to get into fights and the end goal of such altercations.

Either way, you will need to push the limits you have both body and/or mind. Your dedication to becoming better will drive you to be someone you would respect and make you all the more comfortable in your own skin. You will figure out who you are and that you owe nothing to anyone. If you need to fake confidence to build confidence, do that too.

[Asker]

I like this answer, but the thing is I'm tired of the issue brewing and knowing it's going to go down. And still feeling panic when I'm aware I'm capable of handling most people when it comes to it. I'm afraid of hitting my head again and not waking up this time, but I don't want to be afraid of it. Someone that's brave doesn't fear death. A cowardly man does not have a comfortable life, and no woman wants a man that won't even throw down especially in instances where someone could disrespect her, no matter how much women say they don't want their man to fight.

[wynn-ing]

Sounds like you are waiting for something like that past incident to happen at any moment it could. That is your biggest problem right now. That’s along the lines of PTSD. If you can’t get yourself in the right headspace in the moment you need to be levelheaded, you’re done no matter what you do. You need to address that first.
I saw you mentioned you tried therapy and didn’t find it useful but
I would urge you to research and possibly try different kinds of therapy especially those geared towards traumatic experiences and injuries that have a lasting impact.

With that said, for your personal safety, I would say you should be afraid of hitting your head again and not waking up. It’s happened to you before and you’re still feeling it now, at least mentally. Even if it never happened, dying a death like that is always a possibility in such altercations. In fact, you could even say it’s a goal for the seriously demented of opponents.

The real dedicated fighters out there are probably committed enough to risk death. But you have to be somewhat suicidal when it comes down to it- you have to be so willing to “win” that you’d even lose your life over it. Is that a win?
It’s either that or you want to win so bad that you’d kill. That’s a dangerous, slippery slope of a path you will never come back from because it’ll turn into an obsession; so much so that ironically you’d be risking your life even more than otherwise.

There will always be someone stronger than you but if you think you could take on most people, you may be not risking it as much as before. But how can you know? How can you know if there won’t be someone even crazier than you? Stronger than you? Faster than you?

[wynn-ing]

The adrenaline you feel from defeating weaker opponents will pale in comparison to the madness you’ll feel for losing.

It’s not someone that’s brave who doesn’t fear death in the kind of situation- it’s someone who has nothing to lose. You’re not fighting a cause, you’re fighting for blood. The only outcome is someone getting hurt enough to stop or being stopped.

You need to become your worst enemy first. If you surpass your current limitations (let’s say physically just for now), the confidence and ability you’ll gain will be a good start for your mental health.

I’m not sure where we go from there except dispelling this “woe is me” attitude you have (I’m being brutally honest here). You are strong. You have the ability to be stronger. You are capable of making the rational decisions.
But you have to train yourself to make these ring true. I don’t mean physically (alone), mentally more so than anything.
The more sure you are of yourself as to who you are, what’s important to you and what you want in life, it’ll be clearer to see where your priorities are.
But fighting in altercations like in the street? You need to decide whether street or personal cred is more important than your life or other things you value in your life.
I don’t think it is but I’m thinking in your best interest. Only you know what your true interests are.

[wynn-ing]

In regards to the “no respect” rhetoric - I beg to differ. It’s much easier to respect someone who doesn’t get into fights than one who does. But I understand that it’s not this simple and you don’t just go outside and think “I want to beat someone up today” (well, I hope not because then that’s really hard to defend!) - you get caught up in it, shit happens, etc.
Your worth isn’t tied to what others think of you though. The real ones will appreciate that you value your life and health and will deal with any threats to it by any means necessary. Think about it, what kind of respect do you get from people who couldn’t care if you died or not? All they care about would be “did you win bro?” or “omg you protected me!” - by nearly fucking dying or by sustaining a really fucked up injury.
That’s not the respect you deserve. Thats not the kind of support you need (I don’t mean this in a “you are weak therefore you need EXTRA support” way - no. I mean this in a “getting respect that means nothing if something awful happened to you is really disrespect”).
Maybe that means fighting and risking TBI or death or something else (in which case, you really need to know your limits and pull out before hitting a breakpoint). Or maybe that means leaving fighting to be the absolute last resort and not the first thing you think an argument should or will lead to. But it’s not cowardly to avoid it at all costs. I would say it’s smart. Maybe necessary but by all means, never a plan you should have without backup options.

[Asker]

@wynn-ing trying to pm you but your settings are preventing me from

[wynn-ing]

Try now.

[Donalnichualla]

Wow have you ever thought of being a therapist? You really have a knack for it. This helped me and I'm not even OP

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You do realize physical fights are an insanely fucking rare reaction to ANY kind of confrontation?

[Asker]

lol, maybe where you live which sounds like Candy Land. This is simply not the truth.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Oh I see, you want to start fights.

[Asker]

I never said that, but if some random person you don't know is screaming in your face, spitting on you, TALKING IT OUT is not the answer.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Unless you live and work in a place where overreactions are the norm, like a psych ward or around the corner from a heroin nest, that’s not something that happens to you often and I fully believe you’re lying.

[Asker]

Why is that hard to believe? I live in a university town. I've been in fights even after my injury. Seriously, where do you live where you think a physical confrontation is rare? A Synagogue?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I live in a town that’s both army and university. Try again.

[Asker]

OK. So, fights happen. Maybe you only go to & from work and stayed inside your whole life and I can understand that, but trying to tell me what I've seen is something you're not gonna do.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yeah, I still think you’re lying

[Asker]

Lying about fist fights happening. Be for real.

Anyways, you haven't contributed to helping out with my problem whatsoever besides give terrible advice which is to assume conflict will never happen. You walk through life naive.

[Abbycado]

So trying to turn it around and decide to go anon the cowardly way 🙄

[Asker]

I'll take it one step at a time.

[Asker]

I stepped up for my friend when he was getting banged on. A problem that wasn't even mine and I jumped in and was the last to stop. Nothing cowardly about that so check your tone.