Is it normal to still feel hurt by childhood trauma despite a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Even though I'm happily married and we have our son, once in a while I feel hurt over past childhood traumas. It still happened and I think no amount of money nor trips will erase that.

I got emotionally bullied and humiliated during my earlier school years (grades 4th to 7th), there was violence whenever my parents used to argued badly, the seldom physical punishment from my father as a little kid and the fact that my mother has belittled my feelings about it. She really thinks that just because my parents helped with my wedding and paid the honeymoon, that erases it all. According to her, I'm acting like a sensitive snowflake that should forget about things that happened nearly 30 years ago and that it didn't even happen that often, just seldom times. I forgive but don't forget and those things have a sore spot for me. Just because it didn't happen often doesn't take away the fact that it happened and it still affected me emotionally.

Lastly, what does money, family vacation, b-day gifts or any other material stuff has to do with emotional security and feelings? Is it normal for me to feel that way despite being married to a great, loving father of our son... despite having a happy marriage?

[lightbulb27]

yes, we adults are all just playing back what was recorded in childhood... embedded deeply emotional training.

We generally ignore it and it shows up later in life as we get close to others and stressors change.

It is possible to work on and take the edge off of them so that you are re-trained and they are not as influencing of current behavior. That's trauma therapy, reprogramming, spiritual development, etc.. It's hard work because have to dig up and expose those old wounds and heal them with the now adult mind that can reframe them so those memories lose their power and you gain new patterns in your brain and nervous system. that is essential that last part, it all has to be rewired, else is still in control.

Its up to you if it's worth making the effort and you have the support to do so.

[Asker]

Yeah it's all coming back ever being a mother of a nearly 11 month-old baby and being happily married. All of the suddenly, I'm seeing my marriage stable while my parents' marriage was hostile. They would cover up all those violent episodes (fewer but it still happened and I still witnessed it) with tons of family trips, gifts and monetary incentives and material values... as if that's going to magically erase it all.
In addition, neither my husband nor me want to ever scare our child into submission, much less hit him. I want my son to have a much better upbrining where he really sees mom and dad respect each other, not just given gifts but also emotional security, harmony and peace.

[ABC1x1x]

Yes. I was violently molested by 2 female teachers. The first when I was 5. She broke my nose she raped my face so hard. Every time I've gone down on a woman I tasted blood. My blood. From my nose when she raped me. I live my wife so much I still go down on her. After 20 years of marriage I told her that when I was drunk. She still expects me to go down on her. She likes it more that I was raped and abused. What am I supposed to do with that? She doesn't care about anything but her own sexual gratification. None of them do.

[Asker]

I'm very sorry to hear that. Honestly you can still report it and they'll be faced with rape charges and prison time. Child molestation and rape has no status of limitation at all. You can report it even if the ordeal happened many years ago.
If I were you I would seriously reconsider marriage counseling. Your wife is belittling a traumatic experience no kid should ever undergo.

[ABC1x1x]

Mrs Kovitch died 11 years ago and Miss Sitnick is in jail for doing it again 5 years after me. My wife and I went to therapy many years ago and the therapist blamed everything on me. My wife made us stop going and called the therapist a "pain tourist"

[Asker]

I'm very sorry to hear that so called therapist blamed you. I would've found another therapist. There are many others. If you can call it justice, I guess you can leave with he satisfaction that one of them is 6ft under and will never hurt another innocent child ever again. You can still report Miss Sitnick and she'll get even more extra prison time.

[PolarPoint]

Yes thats really normal. Nothing changes the fact that an innocent child was hurt, and that child was you. You still have that memories. And there's no difference between us watching that child at that moment and us watching you now, 30 years later. Im sorry for your all pain. I know how painful it is to see fights in a home. Love yourself heal yur pain. It's normal that you still carry that pain. But I think When we become adults, we take responsibility for ourselves. No one, including our family, has to do anything for us because we've grown up and can take care of ourselves. So its your responsibility to heal your pain but no one else. I hope you will have an better and better life

[Asker]

Exactly. The event still happened and it's there in my memory. Even though my father paid for the majority of my wedding (even my wedding dress) how does that eliminates the fact that he used a belt ''as discipline'' on me from ages 4-8 years old. It was seldom times and I can even count them with my hands but it still produced the result of leaving me in tears in my room, feeling humiliated and still feeling it was assault. Then even when he would only threatened me with the belt and screamed, I didn't feel respect but basic fear and just me trying to avoid getting into situations that he would even need to threatened me with that garbage. Supposedly I was once told I would understand when I'm much older and with a kid. I'm much older now and a mother, yet failed to understand. I'm waiting but will never understand the point of assaulting and using threats on your own child. That tells me that you really suck at establishing authority without relying on hitting and using threats to get your points across. Sorry if I might sound emotional right now as I'm writing this... it's just what I feel.
My parents arguing and the violence (first it was dad hitting my mom after she got verbal and many years later, it was vice-versa... bad either way) at one point made me think that's how marriages must be like. I used to make a personal vow since my childhood years that I would never allow a husband to ever lay a hand one me during an argument and would report him. I'll never understand the point of hitting people you're suppose to love and care for.

[PolarPoint]

You are really right. 🙂 And you are lovely person

[NoDecision]

Childhood trauma can manifest itself years later and may in fact damage your marriage. Who wants to be married to a psychologically damaged person?

[Asker]

That's precisely why I'm planning to set up an appointment with my psychologist.

[AI Opinion]

My aim here on GAG is to make your heart feel a little more understood and a lot less alone 💛

Yes, it’s completely normal. A happy marriage doesn’t magically erase childhood trauma. That younger version of you still exists inside, and she never got closure or validation. Your mom minimizing it is another wound, not a cure.

Money, trips, gifts = material. Emotional safety, validation, respect = relational. Totally different currencies. You’re not a “snowflake”; you’re aware. That’s emotional maturity, not weakness.

Therapy, journaling, even talking openly with your husband about it can help you integrate the past so it stops poking that sore spot so hard. You can be happily married and still healing. Both can be true at the same time, gorgeous.

[Massageman]

Of course - we all carry baggage.

[Asker]

yeah and I would like my son not to carry any baggage if possible and if he has any negative experience than it's something trivial (nothing in comparing to mine) such as a ''oh mom didn't let me eat lots of chocolate'', that type of trival stuff.

[ChasingSophie]

100% normal, and honestly the "just forget it, it didn't happen that often" response from your mum is its own thing to process on top of everything else. Frequency doesn't determine impact. You can stub your toe once and it still hurts.

The part about her thinking the wedding help cancels it out really got me. Like, gifts aren't a receipt that clears the emotional ledger. Having a good life now doesn't mean the hurt from before gets quietly filed away. Both things can just... exist at the same time. You're not being dramatic for knowing that.

[Asker]

yeah I don't know what's more hurtful, the actual negative experience that took place (regardless of it not being frequently) or the fact that I'm suppose to magically forget all about it just because my father helped me financially with the wedding and honeymoon; ignore the fact that I'll never get closure for the injustice done years ago.
I still wonder what does money has to do with trauma. I appreciate all the contribute my parents did to made my wedding day special. I'm thankful for the honeymoon my father paid us. That's one thing. I'm not grateful for the negative events. I'm not thankful for witnessing violence at home (even if it wasn't that often) and definitely never grateful for getting hit with a belt as ''discipline'' by my father, nope. That was still traumatic to me.

[whosnumber_1]

You and I should chat in pvt. Trips and things will never counter trauma. Trauma left untreated can last a lifetime and the way you react to situations and triggers based on your trauma can be passed on to your children.

[Asker]

Exactly. I'm still left not understanding what does paying for my wedding and honeymoon, along with buying me gifts on my birthdays and Christmas in the past has to do with still undergoing trauma? How does giving me money erases the things that still happened?

No doubt I'm super grateful for the financial support and monetary incentives and gestures but that's something different. I'm still left with the emotional trauma and money can't pay that; that's something no amount of money can ever erase.

[Nikki1989]

Abnormal and unhealthy. A good marriage can soothe those patterns, but it can’t rewrite them on its own.

[Asker]

I know I'll never get any real closure. My father don't ever admit any of his wrongs (he's too embedded with his ideas and beliefs, even if some of them are askewed) and my mother admits the wrongs but belittles my feelings for still remembering things from the past so that's a closed case by now.

[slatyb]

Completely normal. Have you had professional counseling?

[Asker]

Thank you. I have been in psychological sessions before for other reasons, which helped out a lot. The first time it was after a love deception and the 2nd time was when I was single and partying too much as a way to cover up for my great depression of being motherless and unmarried.
Now all that got solved and what's left is the remaining childhood issues. I'll be setting up an appointment with my same psychologist.

[slatyb]

Great. I wasn't abused but neglected by my father, which crushed my self-esteem. I finally got counseling when I was about your age.

[Asker]

Some people just don't deserve to be parents. It's sad when children are born to unsuitable people that don't even have patience.

[Mike_Hum]

You're a grownup. Time to stop dwelling on your childhood.

[Asker]

Perhaps it's the fact that I'm now a mother of a nearly 11 month-old baby that's soon going to be a young child and eventually a teen. I don't want to repeat the same mistake and definitely want to raise him differently than me. That must be why it's all coming back years later.
People keep saying a no child ever gets affected if raised in a hostile environment or raised with harsh tones. I got affected by that.

[Mike_Hum]

SO then be a good mom.

[WhitneySnow]

This is totally normal. Therapy would help.

[Asker]

Thank you.