Have you told your parents how they hurt you and how it affected your life?

[Lynx122]

If you have any issues with your parents I mean. Some people say you can only really overcome this pain if you tell them. I don't know how it is for you but for me these things are some of the hardest things in life.

Did you manage to tell them how their behavior affected you or is it too difficult? I actually used AI to help me write a more calm message because once I start thinking about these things it's hard to just stay calm and neutral.

[Anonymous]

Don't stay calm and neutral. Do not use ai. Delay telling them. Thinking that you must tell them is a trap that proves the poison is still in your system. Yeah you might want to eventually tell them, only as a means to inform them of how trauma works so that they can, if they choose to, fix their own shit their parenrs poured into them.

The non-neutrality is exactly what you need to feel in order to heal. And trying to reach neutrality is another repetition of the same violence they instilled into you. You are safe to feel as angry as you want to feel, without your mother yelling at you to stop being angry merely when you look her way.

You need to feel the pain. Do not be neutral. Feel the pain and only THEN tell yourself that you are safe, the threat is over. Do not prematurely tell yourself "the threat is over" without unlocking the memory in the first place.

I know how tough it is, i made an account on here 3.5 years ago when i had the formula figured out https://www.girlsaskguys.com/user/pain_feeler

But to start practicing it took me more than 3 years. In summary, yes, what Alice Miller wrote is 100% all there is to it. She figured it all out. Others just try to get rich selling shit techniques and "inner child" jargon claiming that they are inspired by Miller.

And there are personal add-ons you may develop. I personally abstain from all sources of dopamine and endorphins, including chocolate, music, sex, games, and so on. This crashes me into the baseline and a point where my mind starts chatter, looping melodies and compulsive actions, used to be shopping at one point, and then i brake all of them, force a stillness in my mind, and a stream of traumas float up, painful feelings, sometimes fear, sometimes disgust, sometimes helplessness, and so on. I notice that our compulsions such as shopping or even the opposite, saving needlessly, workaholism, are masking these dark feelings, distracting us from them.

And i feel them. And then precise memories show up that caused the feelings. Then I comfort myself, i tell myself "i am allowed to feel disgusted/scared/angry". You can do this with a partner or therapist, but i absolutely do not recommemd to involve your parents until you are fully healed. ㅤ

[Opinion Owner]

Positive feelings get unlocked too. If you struggled to feel proud no matter how good you do, it is due to being told not to be proud growing up.

But never at any point force positivity, force yourself "be proud" "build boundaries" all of that is fucking toxic trash. It is a recipe for hypocrisy and neurosis. Or i should say, sadomasochism.

Seriously, the only reason people get turned on by violence because they were spanked growing up. It is fucking tragic.

But dude, please stop the usage of ai to force a neutrality. You are betraying your parents and yourself by doing this.

And it's ok, it is expected. All i am saying is that there is very little if any progress in doing so. And risks running you into a dead end where you then say you tried and it didn't heal you and you give up.

Stop. Using. Knowledge. To. Override. Emotions.

Were you hurt? Yes. Period. You need to feel the pain and permit yourself to feel whatever it originally made you feel that you keep thinking isn't "neutral" enough to this day.

All, absolutely all irrational emotional outbursts are a result of repression.

[Shiprex]

They didn't hurt me , they did what they thought was right at the time.

[Lynx122]

Both can be true.

[sage2021]

Actually my Mom realized it first and we had a conversation about it and she apologized to me.

[There_Is_Rehab]

Mine did too but it changes nothing. I know it changes nothing factually, for so many other people. Including you... you still sound traumatized time to time, don't you agree?

The whole "apologize" thing is often used as a weapon to force you to instantly stop feeling upset, which traps the feelings in your body.

[Lynx122]

That's nice

[EmmaMary]

Thankfully my loving parents never, ever hurt me.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[Kvass]

Thank God I'm lucky with my parents, they never hurt any of their children.

[NathanDavis]

they didn't hurt me