Why is it so difficult to get him to stay in touch?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of almost 2 years has been in Europe since September for school. He's returning this weekend. The only way we've been able to communicate is online because calling is expensive.

He last talked to me 2 1/2 weeks ago, despite my attempts to message him and I know my messages have been read. He's never been the most communicative type, however I've spoken to him twice before about how his bad habit of falling out of contact hurts my feelings.

While I understand it is his last couple of weeks there, and he just finished finals, I don't understand what's so difficult about dropping me a message at LEAST once a week, which I've expressed to him in the past. Am I asking for too much? Is it wrong to be so angry at him right now? I'm not sure how to approach this situation, obviously my previous discussions haven't had an impact. His family has also experienced my frustration as he's had sporadic contact with them as well. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

[vmw2008]

It wouldn't be OK with me. Asking for once a week of contact? I'd expect once a day, every other day at the most. Why be in a relationship if I'm going to talk to him less than my girlfriends, or mother. I could just be single and get more support, or at the very least find someone else with similar needs. Everyone has different needs in a relationship, but one of mine is that I need to at least touch base everyday to be happy. If we don't once in a blue moon it's fine, but if it became a habit, I wouldn't see the point of being together anymore. That's just me though, and others may disagree.

It seems to me that steady communication is pretty important to you too, and you shouldn't feel bad about what you need in a relationship. Not everyone can give it to you, but that just means you need to find someone who can. If it were me? You've already tried talking to him about this problem multiple times. You've tried messaging him multiple times with no response. I'd make myself unavailable to him when he gets back. 2.5 weeks of no contact, to me, means we've broken up. This wasn't a deployment during world war 1, this was a study abroad trip with working internet.

[Asker]

Yeah, I was thinking about giving him the cold shoulder when he got back. Not to play games, I'm just too angry to really talk to him without raging, I'd rather remove myself from the situation. I never try to work anything out until I've got my wits about me. I'm quick to be snappy and I just find that being that way is hardly ever constructive.

I just find it difficult to completely cut him out. We were best friends before we started dating, and he's still my best friend.

[vmw2008]

When you've dated someone for years, it's always going to be hard to picture your life without them. The better way to picture it? Living like this forever. Never knowing if you'll stay in touch or if he'll just blow you off. For all you know, this was his way of breaking up with you. No one disregards messages from someone they love for that long. He's not treating you like a best friend should.Cold shoulder is good to start and think, but a breakup should be seriously considered.

[Dionysos]

I suck at staying in touch, even with loved ones. I just don't always have a lot to say so unless they initiate contact I'll tend to drop off the net. Then it can turn into a kind of "thing" where I feel weird initiating contact after a while so I avoid it. If he's like me, and you hammer him on it it'll make the problem worse. Best to just maintain the contact from your end. That said, he should at least acknowledge your communications, and if he refuses I'd question how much he cares. Any chance he's trying to fade away?

[Asker]

I don't see why, he's always been quite affectionate. We've had a good, steady, relationship and have never actually fought. We both had to hold back some emotions when he left. He specifically said that he'd be back for me soon. He's also been up front when we've had issues.

However, I'll be the first to admit that change happens. Especially when you haven't seen each other in two months. Then again I've always been a worst-case type.

[goodguysfinishlast]

Its not difficult at all.

Let me put it this way. If you on his mind, he would be happy to communicate with you. No communication=lack of interest.

2.5 weeks is WAY OVER THE TOP of getting back to you.

Stop, get your head in order and move on. Do not reply to him or contact him any more. He is trying to tell you that it is over by not communicating.

Yes it sucks not knowing why, but that's the evil world we live in.

Good luck and happy holidays!

[Asker]

Ouch, but I appreciate you being honest.

I understand this perspective. I just find it so difficult to wrap my head around it. Especially when this was my worst fear upon his departure two months ago, but I doubted it would actually happen.

However, I will definitely think this through with what you've said in mind.

I've always been the type of person to believe that if you care you make the time. On the other hand, I've had my slip ups as well.

[goodguysfinishlast]

we all had our slip ups. but seriously, 2.5 weeks is really screaming the message at you. No one is ever that busy unless he is an astronaut. and yes if they care about you they would have more respect for you as well.

[Anonymous]

2 and a half weeks is WAY too long. One of you needs to spice up the relationship big time.