My heart is breaking, and I can't even look him in the eyes anymore need advice falling apart!

[Anonymous]

So long story short when I met my boyfriend I knew he was the one I felt it in my soul,and I wanted kids marriage and he wants it too. But before he got with me he had a one night stand with some girl and now he has a baby and I'm so devastated cause I love him so much. He hasn't seen it yet because he has to go through the courts. And I'm just so hurt cause I wanted that with him. He says he is happy but he isn't cause its not with me. And I don't want to break up with him I love him so much but I'm hurting so bad...and I'm so mad because I feel like I don't fit into his life anymore that he should be with someone who has kids cause at least they will have a common interest and understand, and the adjustment is so big and maybe just seeing this baby in his arm will crush me. Yesterday he he teared up and told me that I know you don't care about me like you used to. And I told him that I did it just hurts me to care about you. And I just so unconfident, and so scared, so mad, so selfish, and jealous. My heart is just breaking but I don't want to leave him. And he wants to keep me and he wants me to stick by him. But I'm in so much pain that I don't know if my pain will let me. And I wish I didn't feel this way.

[Confucius16]

I'm very sorry to hear this. Sometimes, infidelity happens, sometimes intentional, sometimes less so. Is forgiveness in your heart? I know it's difficult, but if he has remorse, then it's likely that half of him didn't want to get with that girl, and half of him wanted to get with that girl, and his desire for her gained the upper hand.

I know you feel mad, unconfident, and scared (you're not being selfish), but time will heal you. If you really love him, then can you give him unconditional love? If you do find it in yourself to forgive him, then let him know that you're giving him one chance, and that if he ever breaks your trust again, you will break up with him.

It seems that he still cares about you, which is why he said "I know you don't care about me like you used to." That means that he really wishes he didn't make that mistake, and that he still cares whether or not you care about him. He still desires the good times you spent together.

[Asker]

yes that's so true and I don't want to love him on conditions and I thought the same thing my heart is just so scared to trust him..im scared that beings tho he has baby by her that he will love her or want to be with her even tho he told me that he wanted a baby with me not her. Its just a hard time for me and him I'm scared to do unconditional cause if he hurt me my heart will feel like its burning in the core of the earth.

[Confucius16]

Unconditional love won't hurt. If you don't give him your all, then you can't be the best that you can be. Unconditional love, just like conditional love, does not mean that you are not capable of being hurt. It just means that you're more patient. I know he didn't do the right thing, but you can work through this. Trust, once broken, is hard to get back, but you can try. It'll take time, but go for it.

[Asker]

Im just so scared he is going to get feeling for her but I guess you can have baby by somebody else and love another

[Confucius16]

I know it's strange, but if you love him, is this something you're willing to overlook. He's ashamed of himself, and I know that doesn't make his behavior acceptable, but it's clear that he still has love for you. At this point, it's up to you what you want to do. I can't pressure you into breaking up with him, and neither can I pressure you into staying with him. So it's your choice. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thanks.

[Confucius16]

Thank you for best answer. I hope you manage to work this out.

[Asker]

I hope so too thanks

[madhatters4]

interesting I actually posted a question about this exact topic link

You should try and remember that although the child is not yours the child could still see you as a motherly figure and your boyfriend can still have just as intimate relationship with you despite having another "baby mama". It does seem difficult for many to raise a child who is nto their own flesh and blood but if you can overcome your feelings towards it you could do a wonderful thing for this child by giving it a great positive female role model. It's really a difficult quandry to be in and really you just have to try and see how loving this child is just an extension of your love for the father

[Asker]

that's so true and I am working on it, its just very hard cause I'm so scared he isn't going to love me same or he won't give me the same attention..and how could I be a good mom to this child if it has another mom already?

[madhatters4]

you can be a good mom by being a caring, understanding, loving provider. I have a mother but feel as though other women have been much better role models in my life. Even if a child has two women to whom they can look to for guidance, protection, etc it is only going to benefit the child greater.

I can completely hear your point and it is a super tough position to be in...good luck

[Anonymous]

Avoid him.