Boyfriend of 6 years pushed me what should I do?

[Anonymous]

OK so I've been with my partner for 6 years. We have a house and 2 kids together.

When we began dating there was a lot of mistrust and jealousy (due to previous relationships), however after setting boundaries, with time, we both grew to move past this. My partner also used to a lot of disrespectful language during arguments - something I said from day one I wouldn't tolerate as I believe you should always respect your partner even during arguments. Again, with time and boundaries he did stop this and seemed to grow and mature - especially since having our kids.

Cut to now. We were on holiday with our young children, both were asleep in their prams and we were enjoying the resorts entertainment and a few drinks. Our youngest woke and he took her for what I thought was a walk. Turns out he couldn't get her to sleep (I had stayed out with our other child as she was asleep happily in her pram) and had been calling me however my phone was in the pram he took on silent. He reappeared over an hour later and out of the blue pushed me hard (I fell to the ground hurting my leg) screaming that our daughter wouldn't settle and how could I stay out and just ignore his calls (he unknowingly had my phone). I was shocked, people helped me up and others took my partner away and I took our children back to our room.

He was there on arrival and we had a huge argument, but he didn't apologise till the morning.

This is the first time he has ever laid his hands on me and I don't know what to do.

I don't have a strong enough financial situation to purchase my own home and support our children effectively.

I never dreamed of having a broken home for my kids and thought of having to hand them over even if it's once every two weeks is devastating to me.

Do I leave or try and salvage my family? And advice would be appreciated.

Updates

1 y

Thank you all for the advice! He has grown a lot as a person since I met him, however he has a tendency to shut down in these types of situations (lost his parents very young which I think has affected his ability to process things in a healthy manner), so trying to resolve the issues past 'I'm so sorry i'll never do it again' is proving difficult.
I'm a huge family person but he crossed a boundary I don't know if I can forgive him for. There's also now an element of uncertainty during arguments

Updates

1 y

Has anyone ever experienced this and been able to work past it? I feel niave in thinking this could literally be a one time occurrence as most things I've read from others has not been positive. But again my childrens welfare, stability and a normal happy healthy upbringing is all I've ever wanted.
He's usually a great dad also, helps with bathrobe, bedtime etc and pays for all our household bills even though we both work full time

[Joshua_H_1010011001]

Sounds like you both need some serious work.

Get counciling.

And take independent cources.

I'd suggest a viloance perpetrators cource for him, as I had to do one to see my kid again, I had false aligations against me, and it's family law, so your fucked as a bloke.

But the cource was realy good, I learnt a lot, helped me deffend against the wrong women in my life and changed a few perspectives of mine.

If you nip it in the bud, and you both love each other, then a few hundred pounds and 6 months to a years work is a realy good option to keep your family together.

Then if it dosent work out, hopefully it will be amicable and in the best Intrest of your child.

He was bang out of line, but there's two sides to every coin, and both of you sound like you have unresolved trauma to deal with.

So before you wright him off Completely and take his child away from him, which you absolutely can, and he would have to fight tooth and nail to see them again.

It might be worth trying to work through and change, as once you do that to him, he will never forgive you,

Will be amicable for the child, but will never look at you the same.

[blueonblack22]

What @sueshe said was excellent advice. However there is always two sides the story here and that needs to come out in professional couple counseling.

But if it’s true he shoved you (and you didn’t hit him first) and even worse showed no remorse afterwards then you got a very serious issue on your hands.

If had been less then a year of dating I would tell you to pack up your belongings and get your kids away him from that asap. However given he’s never done anything like this in 6 years leads me to wonder if he’s having some sort of mental breakdown. That’s NOT an excuse for his actions but just saying.

But given his long track record of never doing something like this I have to wonder if he has hit some sort of breaking point. That’s why I completely agree with what @sueshe said. If he doesn’t follow this criteria exactly then you need an exit plan.

[SueShe]

What you need to do first is to seek

1. legal help and
2. professional couple counseling and
3. anger management counseling for him

Make sure that you are adamant about those 3 items and let him know that you will no longer tolerate any anger issues and that you will do whatever it takes to ensure that you and your kids are safe from him because you are at risk and so are the kids. His behavior could have degenerated and he could have shaken your daughter in his fury and caused brain damage. This would not be the first such case.

Seeing that you take this issue seriously, he will of course make all kind of promises that he will not be able to keep. The next situation will arise, guaranteed.

With the legal help, you can check to what extent he would be liable to pay alimony even if you are not married and that would help you with a new start away from him and his violence. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would like to tell you he'd change and he is sorry but he wouldn't change. You can try to forgive him this time but it would become frequent.

From experience (not mine but someone very close to me) she forgave him, multiple times bc he said he was so sorry and he bought her flowers and gifts when she said she wants to break up. Guess what, she's dead now, from depression, he disrespected her a lot.

But still the choice is yours, just think about it, the pro and cons and he kids.. good luck.

And there's a book too that kinda sounds like your story. It ends with us, they turned it into a movie. Maybe you would see what the others did and it will help you.

[AviatorTom]

Sounds like he got extremely frustrating trying to get your child to sleep and took out that frustration on you. I'm not defending him, his actions are wrong, but please look at him in total. Is this the first, and only, time he's done this? Has he gotten angry in the past?

Only you can decide what to do. There are several options: put it behind you, forgive but don't forget, break up with him. My only suggestion is don't do anything rash.

[MoonFace2]

Leave him. But do it when he’s at work. Go to stay with friends, or at a shelter. Somewhere where he won’t find you. Pack birth certificates, all ID stuff, money, a few pairs of clothes for you and your kids and take your most prized possessions and get out. Don’t tell him you’re doing this. The Salvation Army is another organisation that can help you. You’ve got this. Good luck 😊

[Joshua_H_1010011001]

Women ☕

[MoonFace2]

@Joshua_H_1010011001 this is serious. One minute it’ll be an angry shove, the next minute, what? A punch in the face?

[RingOfFire]

Very difficult situation. Do you have a family member that could put you and the kids up temporarily?

I would not stay with this man. I think it would be wise to leave before he does something even worse. This is completely unacceptable.

If had given you a little nudge it might be different, but to knock you over? No way that is acceptable. And if he would do it once he would do it again and maybe even something worse.

[MisfitsLover92]

Leave him! If he's getting abusive in ANY WAY dump his ass. I am an survivor of domestic violence and i wasn't about to put up with it and neither should you. You can find someone better hun, plenty of men out there.

[RHK36]

The signs were there. You can't change a person unwilling to change. He'll keep making mistakes in the future until one mistake goes too far. Trust your gut not your heart.

[TheSpaceGnome]

He was an asshole when you met him, you should have ended it there.

People don't change.

[Crazzyyworld]

Oh well shit happens. That’s all

[Jmmmfi4]

Don't put up with that

[Anonymous]

Let it go