5 Topics to Discuss Before Saying "YES"!

[TinaSP]

Before getting married there are certain things most couples tend to avoid talking about. Its commom to get engaged to someone without knowing about essential aspects that could make or break the future union.

Why don't we talk earlier then?

We usually want to be far from polemic subjects or talk about potentially argumentative points such as religion and politics.

Therefore which are the most Must-Speak-before-Marriage topics?

1. Money/Career

How are they going to manage the bills? Both have goals and ambitious that complete each other helping them to grow together?

2. Kids

Both need to be on the same page about starting a family and how to raise the children.

3. Sex

Are your needs compatible? Is there something you wish he/she changes for you?

4. Free Time

He need days with his friends or they will always spend free time together?

5. Secrets

What hidden issues both have feom the past? Clinical conditions, diseases, law issues. It is time to come clean.

[bethshepherd]

There are lots of things a couple have to be compatible over, but few are, most of them rush into marriage because they think it is exciting, they are more interested in having loads of presents, a party and a honeymoon than the many years they say they are planning to spend togetherl. I have had guys tell me that they are engaged and getting married soon, but do not love their girlfriend and are still flirting and trying to sleep around as if the marriage is nothing special and they have no intention of being faithful or acting like a husband.

[EpicDweeb]

It's sad to say most people care more about being in love than about genuine compatibility. If they don't feel the spark they assume they can't be the one.

Honestly I think Disney movies have screwed up most people's thinking on what's important in a good marriage/relationship. People feel the spark and think it's fate. Then they get married only to find themselves signing divorce papers in a year due to the hormones wearing off and no longer feeling "in love."

[OlderAndWiser]

Marriages fail because people are not prepared for marriage, not because marriage is a failed concept.

[Annie_Mosity]

I agree, although I do think it's an obsolete concept for most.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Annie_Mosity It is only obsolete because people get married expecting every day to be a picnic. As soon as they encounter problems, they run rather than trying to address the problems. People say marriage doesn't "work" but it doesn't work because the marital partners were unwilling to do the work to solve the problems. Marriage has worked for thousands of years and I don't think anything has happened to human nature to suddenly make marriage obsolete. . . except that we have become a disposable, replace-rather-than-repair, throwaway culture.

[Annie_Mosity]

I'm not saying the concept of long term committed partners is obsolete but marriage is outdated.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Annie_Mosity Why is it outdated? That is a popular thing for younger people to say but I have not heard an explanation from anyone. Yes, many people get married and then get divorced, but that only proves the point that I made earlier.

[Annie_Mosity]

People used to see no other option thag staying together. It was much more difficult for women to leave their husbands, was much more frowned upon socially... Times are changing and the idea of spending all that cash on a ceremony for something that may not work out... Well...

Most people my age have seen their parents divorce so why would they invest in something they've seen holds little value? Marriage holds nothing above a committed long term relationship other than the legalities. It's all down to the value you place on it and the current generation do not see its value, therefore to us its obsolete. Times change, it happens... It isn't needed in society like it used to be...

[OlderAndWiser]

@Annie_Mosity "People used to see no other option than staying together." Actually, there is a long history of cohabitation and common law marriage.

"Times are changing and the idea of spending all that cash on a ceremony for something that may not work out... Well..." You are talking about weddings, not marriage.

"Most people my age have seen their parents divorce so why would they invest in something they've seen holds little value?" Why let society dictate what marriage means? You can decide what you want your marriage to mean.

"Marriage holds nothing above a committed long term relationship other than the legalities." Yes, I'll live with you because I can just pack up and leave if I get mad at you. The fact that marriage is more difficult to end means that the partners have more desire to commit to each other for the long term.

[Annie_Mosity]

You can leave if you're married, you're just more likely to stay because of paperwork... I don't want someome to stay with me because they can't be bothered to divorce me...

The thing is you see marriage as one thing and that isn't what everyone sees. Marriage is only worth the value you place on it, same as a LTR. There is no actual difference except the one you make in your head.

[Annie_Mosity]

Why do people always use that reasoning when discussing this topic, the Up And Leave? It makes no sense... Why would they do that if they were committed any more than someone divorcing you? We have just as much invested as married couples... It's rather silly to think a LTR os the same as dating.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

It's a failed, outdated concept that needs to join other bad ideas, like feudalism, communism, and slavery.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Annie_Mosity Oh, so you are one of the cohabiting couples and this hits close to home?

Why do people use that logic? Because I have done both and I know what I'm talking about. Have you ever been married?

[Barrabus_the_Free]

I've done both too. And I won't do either again.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Barrabus_the_Free That is a choice which should always be available and considered by everyone.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

You and I can't disagree more when it comes to marriage but I'll definitely give you credit, to the best of my recollection (and I may be mistaken but this is what I recall) you don't try to say that men that avoid slavery are somehow lesser or lacking any value.

No matter how vehemently we disagree about this topic, I appreciate that.

Cheers bro.

[Annie_Mosity]

No but my parents aren't married and have been together almost forty years. So why didn't one of them leave when it got tough? Because they committed to each other and no one can say a married couple are more committed.

Please don't try and make this a mean thing, so what if I'm not choosing marriage? We were engaged but decided it really wasn't something we wanted to do so seven years after our engagement we're still together - that's longer than a lot of marriages last, so please save the condescending tone of 'i know one thing about you so I know everything'. It doesn't suit you.

Other than the threat of legal action, what value does a ceremony have? Objectively? A promise is a promise. If you want to break it you always can.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Annie_Mosity You don't want me to criticize what you are doing but you criticized marriage as an obsolete concept and that is how this discussion began. There are people who get married and stay married and the reason they stay married is not because of the threat of legal action. If you want what you are doing to be respected, then you need to respect what other people are doing and put a hold on that condescending it's-an-obsolete-concept attitude. After all, if you have discovered how to make a relationship last, you must have discovered and implemented the Golden Rule.

[Annie_Mosity]

I'm not saying it's obsolete for everyone, I'm saying that for many it does not hold the same value that it does for you... So it is valueless to those people. That doesn't mean those people don't value what they have just as much, or more than what married people have. Why I get annoyed with this subject is because those pro marriage people always try and devalue committed, long term un married couples literally because they didn't have a ceremony and make it legal.

[Annie_Mosity]

My initial response says it all, I agree that marriages fail because people don't put enough effort but it's also obsolete concept for many... Not you, but that's fine! I have no issue with people wanting to marry, just being dicks and designing to know the hearts of those that don't.

[Guy13]

This is right on even worked out before Engaged.

[btbc92]

As somebody who was Maid of Honor, These are topics one should discuss BEFORE DATING. If you're already sexually active your already going to fail badly in marriage. People need's to understand WHAT marriage, love and sex are before jumping in it. People who WANT'S successful marriages that will last till DEATH DO YOU APART, need to follow these rules for themselves IF they don't have them by now:

1. KNOW YOURSELF!: too many people wait until adulthood just to try to figure out something they no longer have the time for that than if they were a child or teenager. But if you want to date and have it lead to marriage, you must know who you are as a person first BEFORE you even think about sharing a life with another person. You can't expect another person do this job for you. You will become a person you are NOT and don't want to be. Serious partners find this type of mentality a TURN-OFF, and they will dump you or reject you before you even thought of being serious.

2. What are your Morals, Faith, Beliefs, Values and Principals?: I cannot STRESS this ENOUGH. Stop dating people you KNOW your not compatible with. I don't care how GOOD the sex was if sex was even involved before dating or during dating, it's a recipe for disaster! Studies have shown that many people, especially women are hooked up on endorphins after sex for days, weeks and sometimes MONTHS at a time. Depending on how long and many times they had sex. Hense why premarital sex is also a BIG NO-NO! It will deceive you. Sex really is a drug!

On other note, your faith is important, Your values, principals, morals, beliefs, etc is important for you to know, for them to know about you and for you to know about them! They will not discuss it during the first few dates in HOPES they can lure you into dating them and having sex with you [men and women both]. They are not serious partners. If they avoid talking about their sex life, their views about it, but yet they want to get 'nasty' with you, RED FLAG. They have no interest in getting THAT serious about you or without using all of you first. A person who wants to marry you only care about your personal interest and wants to provide that! These core five things make up who you are and your background. If they have no desire in discussing it, WALK!

3. Absolutely NOT! If that person already have done sex acts you will NEVER do yourself, DO NOT MARRY THEM or have sex with them. You are who you have sex with. And yes people, it will go into marriage.

[btbc92]

And why you do not want to have sex before marriage. And if you expect to want to get married, then the premarital sex has to stop. Effective IMMEDIATELY. Anybody who tells you the lie of you needing to have sex before you marry to see your compatible is a LIAR and a fool! And many studies have shown that premarital sex and cohabitation especially if you were sexually active as teens are at greater risk for divorce. No amount of sex is going to change anything once you say 'I DO'. NOTHING. God created sex to bond and bind YOU to your partner, whom should be your spouse. If they are not your spouse legally, guess what, you are still bound to them. You will remember they touch sexually every single time you have sex or think about sex or your mind wonders to them. And no, One night stands or friends with benefits is going to cut it either. It will just add further to your problems. And yes, I personally knew and know some people who learned it THE HARD WAY. Don't do something you can't be responsible for

[btbc92]

and live with [literally]. Do you want a stable marriage? Wait. Do you want the best of the best sex life? Get married and wait till your wedding night. Ignore the naysayers who say you may not enjoy or like the sex. They don't know what the hell they're talking about! The only main REASON why they sound so convincing is because they had already thought this way BEFORE marriage that sex, especially first-time sex is supposed to be this magical time where everything is perfect. First-time sex, whether married or not is never always perfect. EVER! Don't expect it, don't look for it. Don't let it consume your mind. Don't let anybody tell you OTHERWISE.

Another thing as well. You cannot force somebody to change for you. If they like or do certain things, understand that it's because they were very active sexually and this is their borrowed sexual identity they want to enforce on YOU. Or else they will dump you and be with somebody else. Look, don't panic. If they want to do that...

[btbc92]

let them. It shows you their true colors and what they're really about. Sex and not you. They have to have the same mentality as you. And be on the same page as you.

4. You have to be Honest with yourself and to them!: If you ever expect to date or marry somebody you must be honest with yourself and them. No honesty proves your very secretive and potentially a risk and or health hazard to somebody else besides yourself. Everybody claims they don't want to get infected with disease or know something at the last minute, yet how many actually got the balls to be bold and ask serious personal questions that get's you off your feet? People who are great marriage partners are these. They're bold, they into your skin for the right reasons, they want to know ALL ABOUT YOU because they last thing anybody wants is for them to be honest about everything about themselves and it was all for nothing. This is how abuse starts. You don't wait to express this during dating. You do this as friends.

[btbc92]

Why I say, friends? Friends don't judge you for the wrong reasons or just being who you are. People who you date will.

Do all of this, and you're bound to be with a partner who values you and your time. 90% of the time!

[Kiran04]

Marriages fail because women are incapable of staying married. They are hypergamous by nature, and the business of divorce has made it extremely easy for them to run off with a man's assets while simultaneously trading him up for another man. They aren't willing to work to make a marriage succeed. The #1 reason most women initiate divorce is "I'm just not happy anymore", which is bullshit. All that tells me is they expect men to entertain them, not to form a meaningful partnership. That's why marriages fail.

[CubsterShura]

Says the same gender that expects women to gain weight right after childbirth, lmao.

[Annie_Mosity]

And the fact you think an unhappy person just needs entertaining goes to show how shit a husband you'd be...

[CubsterShura]

lose weight* sorry made a typing error there.

@Annie_Mosity good point

[Kiran04]

@CubsterShura Yes, we EXPECT women to gain weight after childbirth because that's realistic. Many women do. At least our expectations ARE realistic. You don't see men divorcing their wives by the thousands over a few pregnancy pounds.

[Kiran04]

@Annie_Mosity The fact that you think a bullshit reason like "I'm just not happy" is good reason to break up a family shows how shit of a family member of ANY type you are.

[Annie_Mosity]

I never said I thought that.

[Kiran04]

@Annie_Mosity And I never said I thought an unhappy person just needs entertaining. I said women expect men to make them happy, which is asinine. Happiness is entirely self contained. A husband or wife can only augment your happiness. They cannot create it. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. People who think they need a new spouse to make them happy are weak, petty people.

[Jon_25]

You know this can just as easily apply to BOTH genders, right? It's not a "by nature of gender" thing, it's a "by individual person" thing. If you act like this you're like this, not if you're a specific gender. Men aren't excluded from this behavior just because they're men. Girls aren't included in this behavior just because they're girls. It's about the individuals, regardless of their gender.

[Annie_Mosity]

""I'm just not happy anymore", which is bullshit. All that tells me is they expect men to entertain them"

Right there, you said it RIGHT there...

[Annie_Mosity]

@Jon_25 damn straight.

[Kiran04]

@Jon_25 Only BOTH genders aren't the ones initiating divorce on bullshit grounds, so no. No it cannot.

[Kiran04]

@Annie_Mosity Yes, you inferred bullshit from what I said, but you already knew what I said and what I meant and the only thing you picked at was my choice of words. You knew what I was saying, but chose to get butthurt over it and nit pick a technicality. So no. Try again.

[Jon_25]

Sorry, I didn't know you had looked up all the reasons given for divorces by girls and guys. I'm sure you know more about that than I do then.

Let me try this; who complains more about the marriage in large majority, but doesn't do anything about it? Now, if they acted on their complaints, like you say the girls do, how many divorces would be for very similar reasons? Even if they don't initiate the divorce, they can still use the same bullshit reasons to just stop trying in the marriage. The only difference is they quit BEFORE leaving. It's the same motive, and has largely the same impact on the marriage's health.

[Kiran04]

@Jon_25 Speculation is just speculation, so I don't know why I should even consider your theory. What I know is that women initiate 70% of all divorces and the most common reason for doing so is, "I'm just not happy anymore". How you choose to rationalize that is your business.

[CubsterShura]

Honey, men ask women for divorce when they discover that their wives have stretch marks and darker skin in certain areas, or in other words, not photoshopped like magazine models in real life. :v

Both genders divorce for bullshit reasons, period.

[CubsterShura]

And in case you didn't notice, I wrote 'lose weight' afterwards to correct the typing mistake that I made.

[Jon_25]

You don't have to consider my theory.
You said divorces are caused by women for bullshit reasons, right?
All I'm saying is that those bullshit reasons can easily translate from the guy "divorcing" her in the marriage. I don't have evidence to back this up unless you count your most if 70% of divorcers saying "I'm just not happy" likely being because the man is just not caring anymore, because he's "just not happy" and doesn't try to fix it.
I'm saying this is probably why your argument can be used against girls and guys. You can consider you may have not seen part of it right, or not. I really don't care either way, I just thought people may wanna see the other half of the argument you gave.

[Annie_Mosity]

No, you trivialised a huge issue in marriage to justify your idea of women. That's what happened and now You're nitpicking over details to get out of it.

[slatyb]

Pretty good, but you left out some important issues.

1. How will the household be run? Who will cook? Who will clean? Do home maintenance? Take out the trash? Maintain the cars? Kill the spiders?

Too many people go into a marriage assuming that their spouse is automatically going do everything their opposite sex parent did.

2. Family obligations: what duties does each partner believe they owe their parents and immediate family? Will they be visiting for the holidays or staying home? Who will they visit and how often? Or how often and for how long will the parents be staying?

[loveslongnails]

You left out a HUGE one... FAMILY... How attached is he/she to their FAMILY? At the hip? Will you be expected to always be at Thanksgiving and Christmas (if USA) or whatever national holidays in the country you're in? This can ruin a marriage before it starts.

[Poppykate]

Amen to that!

[justcurious21]

My big thing was we didn’t discuss free time... I didn’t realize that he doesn’t really hang out with anyone since his divorce, and we have the same days off so we spend literally every day together and it’s a little much! I’m not able to do stuff I’m really into because he either thinks it’s dumb or just flat out doesn’t want to even try anything. Definitely should have things you do separately, but share a lot of things too. I think the time apart helps each person keep passion in their life and will help the relationship in the long run

[Jaiyde29]

These are all good topics especiespecially money and career. But I also think that people should talk about if they are ready. You don't want to get into marriage with any what ifs. They lead to cheating and many unessasary arguments that could lead to divorce or unhappy marraige

[HOAAH]

1. money: He works, I stay at home
2. kids, we both wanted at least one kid
3. sex, when we are not stressed
4. free time: He likes video games and I like to read books
5. secrets: we both know about each others family problems and past sexual exes

[0112358]

3: yikes.

[CHARismatic110]

I agree with the kids topic the most. I see too many questions and situations where people are already in relationships or worse, married, and they want totally different things when it comes to kids. That's something that needs to be discussed early on because it tends to be major dealbreakers for most people.

[Annie_Mosity]

Not sure how you could ever get to the marrying stage without ever having discussed these things... You gotta be seriously stupid to commit to someone and not even know if they want kids.

[madhatters4]

good list to go over for sure before getting married. unfortunately too many people enter marriage without having thoroughly addressed many of these and other important matters.

[MrMAC777]

Big one for me is cleanliness/organization habits. A neat freak absolutely cannot live with a slob, both will be miserable and have constant conflict. Also, fitness expectations. People should try their best to look as close as possible to when they were married. People tend to let themselves go, and you find yourself married to a different person altogether down the road.

[Goodwifie]

All of these should be talked about before marriage.
One thing that changes are our sex drives our needs and wants especially when kids come along. This is when communication is key to a happy marriage.

[CubsterShura]

Money is a big one. No matter how much we earn, money should always be spent wisely.

[bubble_tea]

All good points. Also important, how you want to spend your vacation days and how many of them you want to spend with each other.

[spartan55]

Covered all of these prior to my marriage and everything was compatible. I had known this woman since sixth. Can't miss, right. DIVORCED after 9 years. Thanks for coming, I hope please drive through.

[Shutupman]

What happened?

[spartan55]

@Shutupman
I'd rather not air it on the public forum. PM me if you would still like to know

[JulieXO]

I feel like all of these are really obvious. For example the sex bit, I wouldn't even date someone I wasn't sexually compatible with, much less so marry them.

[DevilsAdvocator]

You say "topics to discuss". We men have clued onto the fact that what you REALLY mean is "demands to dictate", in the order in which you prioritize their importance. You demand the right to exert full control over his household finances, over his children, over sexual matters, over his free time, and free access to all of his secrets, whilst denying him any access to your own secrets because "the past doesn't matter". And then you wonder why men don't bother any more.

[cherryphi82]

What hear from this comment is someone who dismisses important communication because he fears manipulation. You're not wrong that some people use any or all of these points to control their partner, but the refusal to discuss these is as much an effort to control as a forced discussion.

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 And what I hear from your response, and from the pink downvotes, is that you're unhappy that we'd reject these unequal treaty terms. I wouldn't refuse to discuss them- I'd welcome a discussion of these tpoics. But you'd reject any actual discussion of these topics; your 'discussion' would consist entirely of you dictating non-negotiable terms.

[cherryphi82]

I really don't understand. How have I rejected anything?

[cherryphi82]

How do you discuss something that you're not allowing to be discussed?

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 ? Sorry, but are we getting married? Hell nah, GTF away from me

[cherryphi82]

I've asked you a simple question to a non-sensical statement. How about you get the fuck up off your high horse.

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 If this is how you "discuss things", by spouting abusive language, getting confrontational, declaring anything a man says as 'nonsensical bullshit', whilst presenting a completely random accusatory question as 'simple' and demanding an instant answer to it (How do I discuss something that I'm not allowing to be discussed? How's this crap got anything to do with me personally? Why would I want to discuss those things with you? Am I your would-be husband? Have I proposed to you?)- well, I'm abundantly grateful not to be your would-be husband. And with an attitude like that, I'd offer my condolences to any man who was deluded enough to propose to you. Not that it;s particularly likely- really, you don;t have to worry about any of this at all, unless you're willing to propose marriage to him (or her- wouldn't want to offend you further by making assumptions about your sexuality).

[cherryphi82]

I've asked you to explain what you mean with your statement, not to discuss those topics with you. You are ignoring the obvious... And I've been married 16 years. Check.

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 I mean exactly what I've said. And you've already stated how you've chosen to interpret the statement I made, from the off. Namely, that I'm "someone who dismisses important communication because he fears manipulation". Nothing there about the content of the actual comment itself- your sole take was that "you sound like a jerk, you're not wrong but screw you anyway". Out of interest, did you discuss all of these things with your partner before saying "Yes!", back when you were- 19? Or 18- how long were you engaged? And how long did it take for you to actually get married?

[cherryphi82]

I knew my husband for 2 years before we got married. Since I'm from another country, we were probably extra careful to go over all those points. We dated 2 years, and were engaged 5 months. We didn't have a big wedding or anything, just within the family.

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 I'll take it that you didn't say "yes" straight away then?

[cherryphi82]

No, I did. Why?

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 So you didn't actually take any of your own advice?

[cherryphi82]

Can you not read?

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 Yes, I can. "Since I'm from another country, we were PROBABLY extra careful to go over all those points." But you didn't actually have any discussions before saying "yes" when he proposed to you- you just said yes straight away, and got engaged, without discussing any of these "must-speak-before-marriage" topics first. Unless you're talking about discussions you had before he even popped the question- in which case, this all goes without saying, and it's only because you discussed all of these things with him that he popped the question and asked you to marry him in the first place.

[TinaSP]

guys, get a room already. lol
its just a text. calm down. xoxo

[cherryphi82]

Wow, I can't believe how you twist things to fit your perspective. That's exactly what I said - We had those discussions before he proposed. I don't know how you could read this any other way. What woman just says yes out of the blue. We had 2 years to figure out who we were and wanted to be in the future before committing to each other. I think that's ample enough time for a decision to be made.

As for your latter statement, I'm not sure what you're implying. That I somehow manipulated him into marrying me?

[DevilsAdvocator]

@cherryphi82 No, By my latter statement, I was saying exactly what you just affirmed- that you had those discussions before he proposed. Don't know how anyone could construe what I just wrote as "implying that I somehow manipulated him into marrying me" (unless she actually did- which would clearly be utterly ridiculous); I was merely implying that they weren't "topics to discuss before saying Yes", they were "topics to discuss before proposing marriage" from a male perspective. And if the answers weren't right, if you weren't a match, he wouldn't have asked in the first place- you wouldn't have had anything to to say "no" or "yes" to.

[cherryphi82]

How does this relate to your initial statement?

[Landshrk0068]

1, 2 and 5 I totally agree with. The other 2 you should have already figured out before even saying yes to the proposal. And it doesn't how much you have when you get married, there should be a prenup.