Do Most People Have Unrealistic Expectations of Marriage?

[Anonymous]

I feel that many people do. I think it's somewhat absurd and silly to believe that two people will stay married forever no matter what given that we as humans all have our limits. Many couples at some point discover that they are incompatible, that they would be happier with somebody else, or that the marriage was a mistake, hence why nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce. It would be fair to say "I promise to TRY to do xyz" and hope for the best, but one shouldn't go in with the expectation of he/she will be with me forever or I will be with him/her forever no matter what.

This is why many people cheat, abuse, neglect, and stop putting effort into the marriage thinking that their partner will stick with them forever and therefore, don't have to do anything for the other person anymore since they believe that the marriage won't ever end.

In regards to these famous "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, sickness and in health, etc." wedding vows, some people can handle being 10% poorer, but not being homeless. Some people can handle sticking by a partner who is expected to remain hospitalized for 6 months, but not someone who becomes quadriplegic. Some people can handle having sex once a week, but not be in a sexless marriage. Some people can handle having a semi-crazy mother-in-law, but not having spiteful, hateful, home wrecking family members who are out to destroy them as well as the marriage.

Nevertheless, being realistic does not mean that the person "isn't ready" for marriage or is not in love with their partner. For instance, I personally would get a divorce if my husband were to start abusing me verbally or physically, cheating, neglecting me, developing drug/alcohol/gambling addictions and not seeking treatment for it, getting involved in criminal activities, being irresponsible or stingy with his money, being unable to support his family, not caring about his health or hygiene, and none of this means that I don't love him. I just acknowledge that love alone won't satisfy my or my partner's needs which are required for the marriage to function. Therefore, it's important to consider the possibility of divorce before getting married in order to prevent any further disappointment.

[Rixdare]

The idea of growing up, falling in love with ‘the one’ and choosing to spend the rest of our life with that special person, is fundamentally flawed - Human Beings are not cut out to spend their life in a relationship with one person. We are not a monogamous species. If we were, we would happily spend our life with one person and not think twice about it. It would just happen.. automatically.

Marriage is an idea that we (the human race) came up with to show commitment to one person, but marriage is not necessary to show commitment. Nothing else on Earth gets married. It’s a human idea, and it’s crazy!

When it comes to looking for a suitable partner, a female looks for someone who is she is attracted to - he must be strong, he must have good genes etc. in order for her to pick the best mate to breed with (natural instincts). We see this all the time in nature, as males fight for dominance and the last one standing wins the female. Perhaps, for the most part, that is why a woman is keen to keep hold of her man once she finds him. It's built-in to her basic character. The male, however, looks to breed with many females. This is his role in nature to keep the race alive. It's built-in to his basic character.

As a race that decided for itself to be monogamous, we are fighting against our basic instincts, as nature intended - and we are losing! We will never win this fight, and monogamy will never work in the human race. Thus, cheating, however unacceptable it is to society's general opinion, is okay with nature, because that's the way it intended it to be - and so, 'cheating' will never stop.

I believe people live their life in chapters of (generally) 10 to 20 years, and people are compatible for one chapter. People change over time, and often find they have little in common with their partner after 10 to 20 years. The chapter has comes to an end, and it's time to move on.

[myTake Owner]

I don't believe in polyamory as I am a purely monogamous person, however the position I take on this subject is that marriages are conditional. It's not just cheating that warrant divorces. Money problems, abusive behavior, neglect, etc. are all commonly cited reasons for divorce.

[TisforTori]

You remind me of “ I’ll leave my husband that I love if he can’t fuck me due to medical reasons” woman. Hmm 🤔

[Guy13]

They seem to until they start planning. And if living together say, Nope I am out of here

[Browneye57]

Of course they do. Otherwise so many would not fail.
The burden of performance is on the man. If he fails to hold up his end of the bargain she is highly likely to cheat, bail, or shut down sexually, or any combination.
The vast majority of men have no idea what it means to be a real man, a leader, a rock steady lighthouse in your emotional storm. The get lazy, sit on the couch and watch sports, or vid games, or jerk off to porn. Then wonder why their woman finds someone more interesting.
And the women have been sold a bill of goods since they were practically born, told how pretty and special they are, and how one day a prince charming is going to swoop in and sweep them off their feet. Even disney got into this shtick. So she thinks she's better than any guy, and never develops proper respect for the girlie-man she pics. And then they wonder why things are so rocky.
No, it takes two, and each has their burden, their duty, and their respect. The marriage must be placed above petty differences or it will surely fail.

[CallMeDave]

I think a lot of people do have unrealistic expectations. There's that whole "happily ever after" thing from fairy tales and I think a lot of people think that's how it will be.

Reality of course is that no two people are exactly alike and people change over time so even in good relationships, there will be times when things aren't going well and if you aren't able to change along with each other in a way that keeps you compatible then what once was a good relationship can become a bad one.

I was married for a long time, but got divorced because as we changed we found ourselves no longer compatible. In the beginning we were pretty happy, but even then had some areas where we were different. The gap between us on those differences became even greater as we changed over time and eventually became too much for us to be happy together.

[SkipStop]

I believe they do. Especially if they grew up exposed to happy marriages. Nobody that I know personally has ever gotten divorced. I'm 28 so I think that's plenty of time to experience my surroundings. Everyone around me seems. Obviously I don't know what goes on behind closed doors in other families I've met, but they all seem happy around me. I also think that marriage is a bad and outdated tradition. Why stick with person when you can experience multiple and see more of what the world has to offer? I've always wondered why weddings and divorces are so expensive. Why would someone pay tens of thousands of dollars for something that can easily fail? Plus, all this feminism is ruining relations anyway. Marriage should be a thing of the past.

[Jon_25]

Of the people I have known who took marriage seriously (didn't just go in blind but actually prepared and got help in that) there is only like a 10% divorce rate.

And I would never divorce my wife for any reason. I love her. Also that runs in my family, but I actually got a good one. She'd never do any of that stuff.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Are you making a statement or asking a question here?

[DocilexElle]

How long did you know her prior to marriage is the real question?

[D_Bone_Steak]

@DocilexElle You got a good point... I lived with my wife for over a year before I married. The real reason we bothered is that the military will pay to move me around with her, but only if married. It didn't take a legal vow to let us know we were better off with each other though. If the military didn't force the situation... we'd may not of married, but we'd still be together.

Over 10 years now and no signs of a stop. She's hit the wall... going bald and getting fat. I'm super fit and get hit on everywhere, but the commitment is there. She was there for me when I was down, so I'll back her up now.

There was tons of random women before I met her... and tons of them tried to lock me down... their reasons just wasn't legit enough.

[DocilexElle]

@D_Bone_Steak hmm... now that's love! Love AND commitment!

[D_Bone_Steak]

@DocilexElle I think all it is... is when two adults just get honest with each other and work out a plan to help each other in the ways they can't help themselves. That is when a team is formed.

All these bitches just trying to get money to spend or dudes just trying to get a fat ass to squeeze... that's a superficial exchange... and it won't go very far in the long run.

[Jon_25]

I'm not sure what you mean, I just responded to the post, I think..
I'm not asking a question, and I knew her for 5 years before we got married. If you were talking to me.

[DocilexElle]

5 years is literally my minimum to know someone in case I do get married!

[Jon_25]

@DocilexElle Really? My brothers said it was way too long.. although that does include once we were engaged until marriage, but that was barely any.

How long would you prefer to wait until getting married?

[DocilexElle]

Lol 5 maybe 6. I don't want to get divorced!!

[Jon_25]

@DocilexElle Me either. Thats partly why I waited. But I think if you know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, whether you're sure of it after 5 years or five weeks, you should take steps to prepare to ensure you will be able to. That seems to be the difference that I've noticed between most successful or unhappy marriages; how you prepare has a big effect.

One of my brothers got married to a girl he had met two days before, and they'd "fallen in love" and he was deploying soon, so they went to a counseller and dump info, got some books, and got together. He died in action a month later and she's taking care of his now-four year old... but I think they would have lasted.

[Jon_25]

Sorry, I was trying to illustrate a point there, but it kinda just turned depressing..

[D_Bone_Steak]

Sorry your bro didn't make it dude. It's hard to fight back the guilt of making it through that shit simply because I wasn't put through the same shit. At least they were married... hopefully she was on the SGLI.

[Jon_25]

@D_Bone_Steak I am pretty sure she was. And thank you for serving.

[Lance1965]

Marriage itself is a flawed concept so of course the expectations associated with it are also flawed. The problems start from the get-go because not many people take the marriage vows seriously, especially women. It should be 'will you take this man till someone better comes along" because that is the reality of it. You can also forget about the "in sickness and in health" bit because most women will bail if you become seriously ill or your dick stops working.

[myTake Owner]

I wouldn't guarantee anything. I would promise to try and do my best to make the marriage work, but I can't guarantee that I will be with someone forever no matter what. Some women can handle being with someone who is seriously ill or if they become impotent, but most women wouldn't. I wouldn't blame them because women have their needs to and they didn't sign up to be with someone who is going to leave their needs unfulfilled.

[michaelwatsonnn]

Not really. Some people exaggerate that its really great and some that its really bad. You just have to experience it for yourself.