Our 1 year anniversary is in 2 weeks, but I just found out my wife is committing infidelity. Should I leave?

I'm 25 years old and my wife is 23. Needless to say, we got married pretty young.

I found out two days ago that my wife has been
committing online infidelity. While we were on a date enjoying ourselves I saw a name pop up on her phone using snapchat. It was a guy's name I saw pop up on her instagram a few months ago while we were laying down, but she said it was nothing. Well, I'm analyst so I easily connected the dots and confronted her about it. Apparently, she met this guy at her job, he found her on social media sites and now they have been conversing online. He's also married so I guess they felt pretty secure committing this infidelity.

This isn't the first time she has done this. She has done some very sneaky and hurtful things in the past before our marriage, but supposedly no physical cheating. I know we've had ups and downs during this first year of marriage, but to sneak around, lock your phone, lay down next to me and commit infidelity in less than a 1 year sounds like a bad sign.

She also admitted that she has thought about cheating on me multiple times. She said she's not attracted to me sexually (but im not even ugly :p) and she has a crazy infatuation with books about affairs.

I love her, but logic tells me this is a sign of things to come because it's in her nature. We started dating when she was 18 and I don't think she was prepared for marriage.

She has been begging me for forgiveness and promises to never do anything like this. I know I can forgive her because I love her, but it may not be the best decision.

Should I end this marriage now and save us both the heartbreak and time?


Most Helpful Girl

  • It doesn't sound like this is going to work. If she at least found you attractive then I would say stay and try and work things out. Try and help her understand why she is doing this, go to couples counselling and support each other. It could help make your marriage a million times stronger and open up whole avenues of communication, which is absolutely essential to a good relationship.

    Do you talk to each other, I mean deep and meaningful conversations or do you just talk about general day to day? If she isn't being mentally stimulated them that could explain why she is seeking an emotional bond with someone else. Do you make the effort to call each other in the day? Look forward to seeing each other? Enjoy each other's company, like actively enjoy it instead of just being in their company? To me it sounds like she isn't getting what she needs from the marriage. Whether you can give that to her is another question and one neither of you probably know the answer to. It all depends of you both really want to work on it. If you do I would really suggest some professional help. Either separately or together.

    Marriage is supposed to be a step up from just long term partners, you should stay and try and help each other so you can build a strong foundation for the rest of your marriage.

    • Thank you for your wise words. You bring up a lot of good points. I'm partly responsible for our issues. From my perspective, I try hard to communicate and work things out in our marriage, but I have a lot more growth ahead of me. I finally spoke with her this morning, told her how I felt, told her what we were going to do and what would have to change for us to keep this marriage together. I forgave her, not for her actions, but for my sake and sanity. I think she'll learn from this. My shield is up and the trust will have to be earned. Maybe I'm naive, but it's the risk I'll take. -- Thank you again for your response!

    • If you get through this and manage to build the trust back you will have a stronger relationship than most marriages. Taking that step to truly trust each other is an amazing thing and opens up a whole new level to the relationship that you never even knew could be possible.

      I truly hope you can both work it out, but honesty and openness are absolutely essential. Best of luck

    • Also, reading back, I'd just like to say I didn't mean it to sound as if this is your fault. Apologies if it came across like that.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 5

  • I believe you should stay with her, because you love her and want to be with her. She has to want to change, though, or she will just continue to keep doing this type of thing, and keep hurting you. There are no real consequences for her, so why not? Doesn't really matter if you want her to change.
    Anyway, the actual reason I am responding is because something you wrote in response to one of the comments got me thinking. It was this: "I finally spoke with her this morning, told her how I felt, told her what we were going to do and what would have to change for us to keep this marriage together.".
    Was what you are "going to do" and "what would have to change" that you told her only about changes that need to happen from HER side? Because in order to keep this thing together, long term, I respectfully suggest you take some time to think about what changes need to come from YOUR side as well. It can't just all be about her, otherwise, you're just playing the victim and essentially saying everything that happens, both bad and good, during your marriage is under her control. I don't know if that makes sense and I'm probably not writing what I mean clearly. In any case, best of luck to you, I hope it all works out!

  • Talking with someone online of another gender isn't cheating for me. And just because you believe you're not ugly does not mean that you are. She just isn't attracted to you. She's allowed that perception.

    I think you should leave though. Someone thinking about cheating not good.

    • Thanks I appreciate the advice. -- I guess I didn't explain this well lol.. she has been sneaking around, taking her phone everywhere and admitted they were pretty much having flirtatious relationship. They were going to go on a date eventually.

    • Hmmm... I'm naturally a flirty person but sneaking/hiding around? Yea. Wrong.

  • Kinda lame to downrate all these people who take the time to write their honest opinion to you. But whatever suits you.

    • I didn't down rate anyone. Everyone has been incredible and provided great feedback! --- However, the opinion you provided failed to address anything and was incorrect. I'm thinking a downrate for your opinion, yes?

  • I would probably nip this relationship in the bud. If you can call ending a one year marriage nipping in the bud. If there is no sexual attraction that is bad. If she has done similar things before the wedding and continues to do them that is bad.

    I know that many people disagree with me but I think you're on to something when you say you think she wasn't ready for marriage. This is why I never think it's a good idea to marry young. I am 38 and I know I would miss all of my experiences if I had married my first boyfriend. Not that I got around a lot, if you know what I mean, but yet I got around enough to truly figure out what I want. I feel like your wife has not. She isn't ready for this sort of commitment, and the fact she keeps talking to other men shows this. It also makes sense that she's begging and promising; to her, it's probably a horror to even think about being without you since that's all she knows. But at the same time, it's just not enough. Not yet. It might be one day once she's been out there and actually lived the life I think every person should before they commit to one person.

    It is possible that you can fix things by getting counselling. But I believe what she needs is to live her own life for a while and figure out what she actually wants. Maybe it's you, maybe it's not. I realise this is all very hard for you as well. But in the end, you deserve to be with someone who knows she wants to be with you.

    • I agree with you about the young issue. I didn't realize it at the time because I'm young as well, but I didn't give her the chance to experience life. Me on the other hand, I've always been a little different. I got the fun out of my system early and consider myself more of a driven visionary. In the past, our sex life was amazing, and this what she says, not me.. I don't know... I'll probably work on it. The advice everyone has given has been helpful... I honestly wouldn't advise that anyone get married while young, but I love her. I'm not really one to give up on things. I guess I'll see what happens... thanks for helping me deal with this hard time.

    • If you don't want to give up you don't have to. I don't think all hope is lost but she'll have to address her issues, needs and wishes and not just wipe them under the carpet because that's only a temporary fix, if it is a fix at all.
      I truly hope it'll work for you and you won't have to face too much pain.

  • Honestly-- I'm pretty sure our situation is similar... My husband and I are both 20 and got married young.. But we have already had super rough patches. I had my snapchat story public and I could receive stories from literally anyone. I had guys who would occasionally send me inappropriate pics and needless to say, my husband was pissed.
    We have also had fights about Facebook, instagram, lies etc etc and to be honest it has mainly been me. I love my husband to death but I had gotten cold feet after getting married.
    Things have changed since then, trust me. I realized that my behavior was destructive and losing my husband would kill me. I woke up after he told me that I was losing him by the things I was doing and he gave me an ultimatum. Leave the 'single life' behind and start to behave like a married woman, or to walk away.

    Scared the sh*t out of me. You should have a serious talk with her. Have a backbone, be a man and say "It's me or your social media." as her husband, you have the RIGHT to do this. She is YOURS and should respect your feelings and wishes.

    Good luck!

    • Thanks for sharing your story with me. Looks like we have had similar experiences. It's definitely a unique challenge being young and committed. I understand the need to have fun and try new things. In fact, I haven't complained about her going to Miami two times this year and she just came back from another girl's weekend trip... I even let her go to Florida with friends the day after we got back from our honeymoon.. People thought I was crazy, but I've never been the jealous type because she had my trust... But I always expected her to remain honest. I'm not even raging mad about the snapchat/married man relationship, but more so the lying and sneaking around... I'm forgiving her, but more so for me. She's apologized a trillion times and it seems sincere. My guard is up and I won't fooled again, but I believe in marriage so I'll take the risk. -- Thanks again!

What Guys Said 4

  • That's rough, buddy.

    From someone who's been there, it's not likely going to work. If you guys have been together since she was 18, then she's going to look for new things in life. It happens. Happened to me, happened to other males friends I have, too. Not anyone's fault. But if you are all she's known, then of course she's going to want to see the variety. NOT YOUR FAULT.

    If you're serious about working it out, then maybe a separation would be worked out. Give her some time to get her stuff together, and sow her oats. And it'll give you some time to get your stuff together and sow yours also. But you'll both have to understand that you can't ask one another about what happened during that time period, and be willing to forgive whatever might have.

    If you think ending it is the better deal, understand that it's not as easy or nice as it seems. I've been through a divorce, and though mine wasn't bad, it still was pretty bad. You'll have to make sure you have a strong support mechanism behind you to keep you standing. Because you'll feel like you don't want to.

    But if what you said about her going on a date in response to what one of the ladies who answered you said... Then you need to kick that bitch to the curb. Build a better life for yourself.

  • As long as it's just chatting online it's nothing serious.
    You might be too jealous.

  • Don't listen to the jib jab of the women here.
    I say... you should leave only when you are very sure that they are having an affair with each other.
    I know a woman from this site is doing a similar thing here. She is married.
    Ask her in appropriate time if she likes the other guy. Encourage her in a soft manner. If you act aggressive.. Obviously she will not spill the beans.
    But i think you must quit.

  • How you know there's no physical cheating? Also she blow it in your face she thought to cheat on you bc she's not attracted to you thats big Unrespect for marriage life. Dump her its better but if you decide to stay give her a real ultimatum tell her if you can't leave this shit I will leave you. in my opinion she wouldn't do all this if you're strict and have real word but sounds like you follow her I think?

    • If there was physical cheating she'd hide it way better than she does.