12 year relationship and we haven’t moved in or started a family. Should I leave?

[Anonymous]

we been together for 12 years I’m 28 and he is 31. Our relationship haven’t been the best we definitely been through it all but we are still together. As of right now I don’t think we are bad but we aren’t at our best. We had talks in the past how we want move in together or later in future have a kid. I live in San Francisco a very expensive place to live in. My boyfriend still live with his family and I live in a room with a few other people. I Pay my own bills and rent I don’t ask him for anything. I will admit I need to save more money to be able to move out with him and so does him but I just feel like he has never took me serious bc we could of been moved out years ago and it doesn’t look like we getting to no where. I try to understand him and I obviously still with him for him and not the money but I been with this guy since I was 16 I’m 28 and we still haven’t made a move. A big accomplished he made a year ago is buy a car. That helps us move around and even helps me take me to places I need be. But I feel like the time is ticking and I’m getting tired of this. I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

On all truths from what I’m hearing is that he seems like he enough time to do whatever he had planned for college or whatever party’s or college classes. Because for that is 🚩🚩HUGE RED FLAG 🚩🚩 , # 1 . You both been together since when you know and for him to be older then you and not even close to talking about having children and trying to make any progress for 31 years old. & Your Being few years younger then him by only 4 year difference in age gap between. He basically seems like you more of a young college women and he just does not seems much of a fan of wanting to do what man like mine after cheating on me for 10 years and wasting my whole life of the years being young in 20s and as I was with being 23 years old in 2013 yet my own ex boyfriend back then was only 28 years in 2013 and he was already was talking marriage and how he wanted to talk about having babies names picked out for our so called family. Which thankful and never happened since he had been just a huge part of waste of my life with my own ex boyfriend since mine allowed me to get attack and I had to use my own teeth 🦷 to stop 🛑 his low life loser friend who was forced me to do things as I had been intoxicated with alcohol they all were knowingly about my state of those 2 different attacks by his friend and that ex boyfriend had still never willing to help or hurt his friend , telling me it my fault for be unable to handle the my drinking. Which his own family members even knew I was his girlfriend yet he had been cheating on me from February 2014 until he still was even arrested and charged for domestic violence charges with bodily harm to his 2nd and the girlfriend that he had started cheating on me with while I dealing with my father cancer and I OD which never makes it help after my own father passed away in 2017 which it was horrible since me & my own father had went to ex boyfriend own father sudden death from heart attack back funeral services
in August 2013 . Which Made odd from his whole family questioning 🤨 him where Did I disappear to? And he was at the family wedding with the 2nd girlfriend who they never knew about until then. And he told I should of been lucky because he helped out with I became homeless yet never told him own mother who really cared and had told me it never a women issues when I had been get treated with such disrespect and she was disgusted by how he own son had lied 🤥 and even told her that I broke it off few years. She told me to take all his crap and she I told what about the 1 TB Xbox One which was expensive. As she told since I gave him 2 whole years and that he never wanted to come to the apartment which is not even 20 minutes from that other 2nd that she gave me all permission for me to trash it out. And that she will be giving him real talks which that followed with him being on a video cha with me after few days afterwards when he was trying to question why I told his mother about the situation. The she told him he can pack up his stuff move in with that other 2nd females apartment since he wanted lie and treat me with no respect and how he wanted lie to the whole family about how I was to him. Which was happy because his mother was happy for him & I while we were together at Thanksgiving dinners in the 2 years and then even as she found all his lies he told her. She was furious towards her own son since he was the oldest and never was raised by her or his father to be treat no female. So my point of this whole thing is IF start to have a Gut Instinct about Your Own relationship with your own Boyfriend. And he not willing to try to find another positive solution to work out and it’s already been so long between your two relationships. It might be better just to MoveOn and I know from this right now experience and I’m dealing with this for 10 years. It won’t be easy and I know everybody says that, and it’s honestly the truth. I just hope your Boyfriend can realize what he might lose in the long run. Since I have set up couples counseling for mine, and he fell through multiple times, and multiple therapists have told me that I got lucky that I was not being charged for the cancellation since I didn’t have his credit card stored on file which yes that was his plan all along is not to get help, which is sad because his anger management classes all due to his court with that other 2nd ex girlfriend which even Called me out again about how was the person messes her own relationship with his stupid ass lol 😂 never do very much. Since she during the legal court, hearing that they were both told verbally by a judge to stop off communication which they did not, and she kept communicating, and she claims she was a victim of the abuse, which I never saw any abuse which is making question whether she was playing victim. Since he had been abusing me by having his friends to force themselves on to me and then and I never got justice for any help from police sadly since he took me there told me to just drop the charges which I was actually made the mistake not to ask for female police officers the 2nd since he me took back not even 2 days after the 2 different incidents because I had been smoking weed and also 1 beer of alcohol and I passed out which I then just felt like something was wrong. Which this lose is due to my inability to remember how Law & order : SVU happened when the ex boyfriend might do things to make the girlfriend change her outlook what happened. Which what happened in both my foolishness with his jack ass since I have tried to reach out to his own mother about at least sexual attacks toward me. He has blocked everything.

[Tephra]

You seem upset about the circumstances, which is very reasonable! I am surprised you have waited 12 years for things to get moving. You have even done more than him to provide some independence. Perhaps he is in a rough spot across all areas (e. g., mentally, financially etc.).

However, you need to do what is best for you. You know what you want, and he does not. Even if he is in a rough patch you need to take care of yourself and find someone who is ready to do all these amazing things with you too! Moving out, marriage, starting a family.

I believe you deserve way more than him - Time to move on!

[Asker]

Yes I’m very upset bc I’ve wasted years. I been waiting for him but all he tells me is that he has a lot of bills to pay. He has a bad injury and he stopped working and his bills stack up , so that’s why I’m confused on what to do bc I tried to understand him. I just wished he could of took it serious and tried to moved out when I moved out of my parents house

[Tephra]

Hopefully you are much happier now, and have laid out the reasonings with him. It is very much unfair that you want all these amazing things in your life and he does not want anything to do with it. Hopefully you also find someone who you can do all these things with you, you seem like a great person with a good head on their shoulders :)

[MrOracle]

You are in this position because you have never set boundaries and expectations, backed up with consequences. Thus, he wouldn't pay any price for not taking things seriously. This makes it your fault as much as his.

Life rarely just gives you anything - you have to work for just about everything, and I'm not just talking about money, I also mean things like a healthy, happy relationship.

You've been with this guy 100% based on your FEELINGS, but that hasn't gotten you what you wanted - because you cannot rely on feelings. You must also use logic and reasoning, vet a potential partner's morals, values, and life goals BEFORE you commit, and set some boundaries and expectations. Of course, this also applies to you too, so, for example, you might have to cut out discretionary spending to save money, or whatever. The important thing is that you are both actively working towards your common goals.

12 years is WAY too long to have achieved so little together. I get that the early years you weren't even adults, but 22 is the age you graduate college (if you go at all), so there's no reason you shouldn't have been able to move in together by 24. You might be poor, but that's OK when you are young.

[Anonymous]

I'm not hearing future planning from him and after 12 years, an unstable relationship.

Other than love and familiarity, what is he bringing?

Loyalty is laudable but you have little time left to prepare for a family. Sounding from what you've written you're already questioning whether your man is a good bet for the future. You need money, double income, and support while having children.

[Vesuvius87]

It's time to move in. You've wasted 12 years of your life on nothing. Secondly, don't fall for the eternal cohabitation thing several men are doing nowadays. It changes nothing. You would still be basically an eternal fuck buddy. He gets all the benefits of a wife without commitment and he won't be ready for kids at all. It's a trap.

After 12 years and no kids nor any future, you're not a real girlfriend anymore. He considers you similar to a friends with benefits, where he can always have one foot out the door

[Vesuvius87]

**It's time to move on. Ditch him if you haven't.

[MountAverage]

Yeah agreed

[CaGirl2023]

It is unfortunate but you have wasted 12 years of your life in having a long term relationship with your boyfriend. You should have left him several years ago and not waited this long of time. I would have only stayed with him for one year and then moved on if he isn't willing to make a commitment with you. It is old at the age of 31 to still be living with his parents, he should have gotten his own apartment and started his life with you after one year later. It is your decision to make now but you should leave him because he isn't going to change his behavior for you. I think he doesn't value you and he isn't interested in making a commitment to you or marrying you. My best advice is for you to move on with your life and find a new guy to date and who is serious about wanting to live together with you or marry you.

[Adaeva]

He is more intelligent than you are. There is nothing wrong with what he doing. He wants what he wants and he is getting it.

It is also your right to want what you want. However, you are too stupid to get what you want because you are not getting it, and with him, you never will.

[Anonymous]

In a past relationship of mine within a year of being together my ex already let me know that she wanted to go ahead and get married fast as possible wanted me to go and buy a ring. We both had a agreed on getting married too we’re not together anymore but we did know what we both wanted it wasn’t 12 years. I’m not hating on you at all but you should seriously sit down and talk about this with him if it’s something you truly want but he doesn’t should leave shouldn’t take that long and yes it is the guys job to ask the girl to marry him but at this point you’re the 1 that has to do something about it

[MountAverage]

Yeah, this is going nowhere. He's apparently not willing to grow up, and he's freaking 31 years old. You need to move on, or else he'll continue to drag you down. You clearly already outgrew him years ago. And it's been 12 years, it's not like you didn't give him plenty of chances. If he hasn't got up his ass until now, he won't anytime in the near future. Do you really want to stick round for that. Time to move on and live your life.

[DiegoO]

12 years and stuck? It's time to set priorities. You should have a serious talk with him. After 12 years, he should even let you know if he really want a family or not.

Can't imagine been in a relation that long, and not going to nowhere.

[inhua]

a lot of guys would be happy if a girl was there for them at their lowest and believed in their potential thus encouraging them to want to do better. your boyfriend isn't one of them unless he has other plans in mind you don't know about

[ProbablyClueless]

I would leave, I was you. 12 years is more than enough time to get basic life stuff like that in order.

The dude is just too complacent in life. Getting a marriage and family out of him will be like pulling teeth.

[iseekpinetrees]

If its promised and it's not given yet yea should probably leave. It took us a long time to start a family but it was given. 10 years we waited.

[Asker]

He always tells me he wants to move in but he seems to be having a lot of bills to pay and can’t save money. I don't know what to tell me at this point.

[iseekpinetrees]

Tell him to move in or your done dating

[lightbulb27]

Nothing gonna change without some finess. Commitment issues. Either make concerted effort to come together or move on with specific timelines

[TheSpaceGnome]

You admit to both of you being too poor to afford moving into a new place together, and that neither of you are doing anything about it, and then you are somehow surprised that it has not happened yet? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Time to move the F on. You have wasted 12 years of your life

[EmmaMary]

Congratulations on winning a Troll of the day award.

[Visionary7]

I don’t think she’s trolling.

[EmmaMary]

@Visionary7

Personally I cannot accept for one moment that any sane, intelligent human being would stand around waiting for Twelve Years for idle promises to materialise.

That is just simply downright ridiculous and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

[Visionary7]

True but people are actually getting more and more stupid these days and nothing surprises me anymore.

[EmmaMary]

@Visionary7

Thank heavens I am not alone.

[Staximus]

First thing is move out of that overpriced downward spiral homeless bum toilet called San Francisco.

[cloud9vortex1234]

He's either really taking you for granted, or doesn't care enough about you. Either way, he's had plenty of time to make things happen. Time to move on.

[cloud9vortex1234]

You could start over with someone new and get a lot farther than you are considering how slow the guy your with is. He's almost at a standstill and doesn't have the money to provide. I know where you live is very expensive. Consider moving to a more affordable town if you want to get things moving faster. I know it's easier said then done, but your in one of the most expensive places in the country.

[Danny_dan92]

God damn… honestly? Yeah lol especially if that’s what you want

[Grovermint]

Discuss this with him and make an ultimatum. If he doesn't start getting serious within the set time frame, end it.

[Anonymous]

it sounds like you two are actually poor... maybe get a better job, the both of you.

[Iron_Man]

You guys have a serious conversation and get something going

[EaterPeter]

Any thing longer then 9 months people should call it off unless agreed in advance otherwise

[EaterPeter]

Longer than 6 months may be and again previous agreement can be rethinked upon too

[EaterPeter]

People change priorities change. Things relationships which are doing us bad we should let me them go easy said than or then done

[EaterPeter]

Than

[EaterPeter]

Not sure how many months. If honeymoon phase is over you are not going anywhere positive

[Vesuvius87]

and nowadays many (maybe 90% by now) of those relationships that started with a strong infautation period and everything was just base on attraction and feelings end up in break-ups

[EaterPeter]

Thanks mountain ⛰️ girl with mountain high opinion

[EaterPeter]

Good words, kind words