Fiance won't get married in a church, what do I do?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married next year.

We are both atheists, he was raised atheist and I went atheist in my teens (raised catholic).

The problem is, I'm worried my parents won't be happy if we don't get married in a catholic church, but he refuses to budge - he wants a civil ceremony, outdoors, and says we are getting married for us, not them.

I'm worried my parents won't come to the wedding if it's not in a church, how do I get him to give in?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

Funny, I haven't read through the responses, but based on your update I think my answer might be different than most.

I think you're 100% right and your fiance is 100% wrong and should agree to have your wedding in a church.

This situation seems very wrong to me. I'll also mention that I'm atheist as well. Marriage is about compromise right? Marriage is about love, and you should want to make your partner happy.

So on the one side we have what you want. You want a traditional wedding in a church because your family has very strong feelings about it, so much so that your parents might not be at your wedding if it's not in a church. Now I agree, it's not about your parents, it's about you. But if your parents choose not to come or are upset... how is that going to affect you, your happiness, and whether your wedding is a happy or (at best) bitter-sweet memory for you. Additionally, if you're like most couples... the actual wedding is something that the bride cares about a whole lot more than the groom does.

Now on the other side your fiance. Clearly an ardent athiest, not a fan of churches. Sure... fine...

So if he gets the wedding he wants: you are in a position of having to get married in a way that causes you pain, stress, worry, and straines the relationship you have with your parents. On top of that the people who you want MOST to be there--might not come. You are sacrificing quite a bit. Your wedding will not be as happy as it could, and should be.

If on the other hand, you get your church wedding. You get to have your family there, without hard-feelings between you. You have a happy wedding. You don't create any strife between you and your parents. What does he have to sacrifice... he has to swallow his dogmatic principles to never set foot in a church. THATS IT!!!
He isn't going to feel significant pain from being married in a church. He won't be faced with not having the most important people present at his wedding. He's not opening up hard-feelings with HIS parents.

He gives up NOTHING... except somehow endure the hardships of stepping into a house of worship--for a religion, he believes to be false. I think any atheist could and should suck it up. He'll get through one church experience none-the worse for wear. He sure is one dogmatic athiest... who I'll bet hates religion... for it's dogmatism. This guy's ridiculous.

To me, asking him to make that sacrifice; to prevent you--the love of his life--from having to make a much much greater sacrifice is CLEARLY the right thing to do. I honestly CAN'T BELIEVE that this guy won't budge to make you happy... because he's an atheist... Honestly... That's NOT what love looks like to me. That's NOT what compromise looks like and that's NOT an appropriate exchange (harming you to keep his principle to not go into churches). that's awful.

This blows my mind. It really does. I hope in everything else... he thinks a little more about you and your feelings... because this is... disgusting.

Your elderly parents who've been religious their whole lives are allowed to be stubborn and dogmatic. You can't change them, you can accommodate them or not. Your fiancee who's an atheist and supposed to love you does not. He does not need to be accommodated. He can "change"... and by "change" I mean spend a few fucking HOURS in a church to make the woman he loves happy; and to give her a wedding she looks back on with unalloyed happiness.

I really hope he comes around, grows the fuck up, realizes how much pain this is actually going to cause you, or whatever has to happen, for him to do the right thing. You deserve your church wedding. He is being so selfish... like I said... it's actually disgusting.

jss123 · Accepted Answer

He is right. You're also making a mockery of the marriage and the ceremony as any vows you take will be false. You give in to this then what's next. Catholic baptism for your kids? religious classes?
You need to put your foot down now.

I had something kind of similar my ex wife and I were different faiths.
The worst difference. I'm Jewish and she is Muslim.. We'd agreed we'd keep our own religions. You can imagine how that went down. The pressure from her family and friends for me to convert was enormous. I told them they were hypocrites as it would be just to appease their community. Besides that I said why should I convert and not her. They weren't happy..
You need to stand your ground or the interference will become more and more.

Moonchild714 · Accepted Answer

This is a Make or Break Moment in your Relationship!!! You Don't Make an ATHEIST get Married in a Church!!! You claim to be an Atheist, so why would you want to get Married in a Place you Don't Believe in? Are you sure you're and Not Agnostic? Most Catholics and Other Christian Faiths tend to turn Agnostic Not Atheist!!!

If your Parents are Devout Catholics chances are thet Do Not believe in a Marriage that Does Not take Place in a Catholic they probably see it as a Sin and will Not Attend!!! That's on Them, they want to Miss Out on their Daughter's Wedding that is Their Problem Not Yours snd Definitely Not your Atheist Fiance's Peoblem!!!

So you Need to Decide a few things:
1) What is your Faith/Beliefs (Atheist, Agnostic, or Believer)?
2) Is this the Person you really want to spend the Rest Life with? You two should have already had this figured out before you even got Engaged. So either you two didn't have serious life conversations or one oe both of you Lied to each other about where to get married...
3) Is a Church Wedding a Deal Breaker for you?
4) Can you handle it if your Parents Don't come to your Non-Church Wedding?

MissKittyz · Accepted Answer

You are a grown adult, make your own decisions, don't let your parents affect your life. I will have to agree with your fiancé here. Why would you get married in a church if you aren't religious? Just to please your parents? That is such an insult to actual religious people.

If your parents don't come at your wedding just because it isn't at a church, it is their loss honestly. Yes it sucks but who's getting married? You and your fiancé, not your parents. So it is your choice and your fiancé to have your dream wedding. Don't let your parents decide that for you.

coachTanthony · Answer

---------What kind of parents would dictate to their child how they should get married? Sorry but he is  right on this one.  You are a grown adult now.  It's time to cut the cord!

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

You don't. If you are going to get married, his feelings about the way you get married should mean more than your parents. Just because you are getting married does not give someone to try to change someone's beliefs. You have to accept and embrace.

LesterJester · Answer

I was formally RC and then distanced myself from the faith. I'm not Atheist, but I don't follow the religions any more. My wife is athirst, my dads side of the family are all catholic, my mom's side are baptists I believe.

Out of all of them, my grandfather is the catholiciest of the catholic.

But they all respect each others beliefs.

Long story short, we married at my godparents old Victorian house on a sunny late summer day with a justice of the peace. Everybody invited came and everybody enjoyed themselves, including my grandfather.

I don't know what your parents are like but they should at least respect your beliefs and your wishes.

Dont forget, God is everywhere (if you believe that anyways)

Den61 · Answer

I would discuss this with my. Future wife and no parents are allowed to even make a sugestion. It is our marriage and our lives we are bonding as one and my futre wife and i would start comunication and compramising skills that we will needwhile we are married so best to start learning now how to comunicate to eachother and make the decisiond as a couple bye all mean therese dicissions will effect my wife and me so we make the decision as a team and debate and discuss as a team. Comunication is the key to a successful relationship and marriage.

devilman666 · Answer

In my opinion, go with it. If your parents care so little about you, then fuck them, just focus on yourself and the love you two share!
How dare they act like they are more important than your wedding?

Finally, imagine how upset you would be if you held it in the church and they didn't show up anyways.

Rob19777 · Answer

omg quit being so manipulative and listen to what he says. He is right when he says you're getting married for yourselves not for them. Instead of arguing with him and scheming behind his back and being manipulative about the whole situation why don't you try seeing things from his point of view since he's clearly right in this situation.

andreasderjuengere · Answer

If you ARE an atheist, then prove it. To marry in church would be a lie, and a disgrace to the church in question.
If your parents then will not attend...
well: do you think that ANY freedom in this life is for free?
It may be tough if this would crack up the bonds of your family. But the same way as you claim your own right for 'choices': your parents have those as well.

hollowo · Answer

If your parents respected your wish being an atheist and wish to see u getting married in a church then I think it should be respected as well.
Well if u ask your parents about doing a civil ceremony instead and they respond positively, then u could definitely go for it.
: )

Massageman · Answer

If you aren't both practicing Catholics, you won't be allowed to be married in a Catholic Church. You can hire "an officiant" who can present a rather generic ceremony without any reference to a religion, God or Jesus. The officiant will do the ceremony just about anywhere. We attended a wedding and reception that actually took place in a zoo with a free-lance combination officiant /deejay running the show!

Agape93 · Answer

The church ceremony is for THEM not you two. You are both non believers, so such an act would be a hollow deception meant to placate parents who I’m sure are already aware that you’re an atheist. Talk to them and tell them your plans to wed out of a church.

Alpha09 · Answer

This is about the two of you, not your parents. Obviously he should listen to what you have to say, but he has a point. You are an adult and if you're parents don't come just because it's not in s church, they are shitty parents with the wrong priorities.

Porcelaine · Answer

Tell your parents first about this before jumping to conclusions. Good for him, he is not a hypocrite and won't go to a church to lie to a priest. Your parents will come Im sure. Ok I need to chill. Tell him it's not for religious reasons, but that it's simply a nice tradition like the white dress, the rings or the flowers 💐.

MysteriousDarkness · Answer

It is about you and your fiance not your parents. If your parents can not handle the wedding ceremony not being in a catholic church then that is their problem they would have to get past if they want to witness your wedding ceremony. If you have kids and your parents wanted them to be baptized in the catholic church would you want him to give in so you two can please your parents?

Pete671 · Answer

Maybe have a civil ceremony to make the marriage legal and a catholic blessing afterwards or at a later date? I was raised catholic, now Buddhist if anything, I married a filipino catholic woman, and just kinda put up with all the nonsense from that church, but that's a different story, don't let your parents bully you into doing stuff you don't want, it's their faith not yours, and congratulations !

madgoat · Answer

Although I understand you'd like to honour you parents, who are you getting married for?
And are you going to let your parents dictate the terms of your life afterwards?
Perhaps get married away from the church and have a blessing or something in the church?

MannMitAntworten · Answer

It is my understanding the Catholic church has grown more strict about who they will and not marry. As in you would have to become actively catholic along with your fiancé and both baptized. So you likely could not even if we was fine with the idea. So yeah, this is for you two like everyone else has observed and not for your parents.

admles · Answer

You don't convince him.

You want to put on a sham to satisfy your parents?

You are getting married for you two, not them, and if they can't handle it, they're not very loving parents.

As an atheist myself I would never do this - to be honest, I think it's downright disrespectful to pay lip service to a church just to satisfy your parents.

In any case, unless you're both catholic, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let you marry in a catholic church anyway.

Taylor_C · Answer

You don't. He is right, you're getting married for you, not for your parents, so if they choose to not be there, then so be it. A church wedding would make you a hypocrite.

1truekhaleesi · Answer

Stop prioritizing what your parents want on your wedding day. If they refuse to go to their own daughters, they have some deeply rooted issues that are beyond your control.

the_imperfectionist · Answer

... i think he's kinda right tho, you guys are getting married for the both of you.. If you're also ok with having an outdoor wedding I think you should just try to get your parents on board. If they really love you they'll show.

Paris13 · Answer

I believe that You and Your Fiance really Count. Try to Sit your parents Down, Less Frown, When you Both Get on the same Page, No Rage. If you Stand for what they may Want after the Wedding, You will always be Stooping to ALL of their Pooping.:((xxoo

Anonymous · Answer

Why are you prioritizing your parents on your special day? If they don't want to be a part of it then that's their mistake.

DiscomfortZone · Answer

You don't. You stop giving in to the terror, coercion and emotional blackmail of religion freaks and you do what's right for you and your husband.

AdvNewks · Answer

He’s right. You’re getting married to each other for each others happiness not for your parents happiness.

David_Kek · Answer

Do you care more about your parents, or the two of you?

GirlyPearly · Answer

You should have a religious ceremony. That’s fake and disrespectful.

Cherokeehp · Answer

I think he’s right, but also would the Catholic faith even allow two atheists to marry in a church?

Liam_Hayden · Answer

Just elope and use the wedding money for a down payment on a home.

FreyaRed · Answer

Why not both, show in the church first then civil ceremony before wedding party starts.

Codywow · Answer

If its important to you that you have your parents approval ask them if there is anywhere that they would accept. But in general its up to the bride and groom

adidas0169 · Answer

Then get married on the church grounds. its not in a church but its on the property so it makes everyone happy. or something simple outside at the church then do a all out ceremony for you guys then

Anonymous · Answer

You are atheist. it’s your wedding. If they don’t come it’s their loss. I guarantee they’ll show up.

cloud9vortex1234 · Answer

It's not your parent's wedding. If your parents don't come to your wedding then shame on them.

RedThread · Answer

You can't pretend for your parents forever. Trust me.

TacosRAwesome · Answer

If your parents are paying for the whole thing, then marry in church to keep them happy but if not then marry where you're happy.

Daniel3035 · Answer

Why does church matter who's to say they'll like your choice in spouse? If they care the place doesn't matter.

outside_Toronto · Answer

So why don't you tell your parents how it's gonna be and see how they react

elduderinosupreme · Answer

So you're letting others beliefs influence your actions? there's the question you need to answer.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Um you guys won't be allowed to get married in a Catholic church fyi.

Máiiréad · Answer

I’m with your fiancé on this one.

Testaccount65754 · Answer

Your fiance is cringe and sounds like a whiney child.

foxrider77 · Answer

Get married at the court house

codycccccccccc · Answer

Don't he is in the right

ezale27 · Answer

Get married at a pretty venue.

Anonymous · Answer

You dont, he is right.

RWRECK1 · Answer

IF YOU LOVE HER, RESPECT HER WISHES.

Thotkiana · Answer

Why’d u go atheist

nonameshat5000 · Answer

Get married twice.

AkkiBS · Answer

No idea

Anonymous · Answer

Break up

Fiance won't get married in a church, what do I do?

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