Do you think it's a good idea to live together with a partner before deciding to get married? Why/why not?

Question

Is it a good idea to live with a partner before deciding to get married, why or why not? I talk about this with my boyfriend pretty often, and my parents chime in every once in a while. My parents are older in their 60s, they were raised to not live with their partners before marriage, also cohabitation wasn't very common and unconventional... So my parents definitely find it odd that so many unmarried couples are living together nowadays.  However, I bring up how so many couples nowadays find it better because they get a "sneak peek" of what living with their partner is like, so they can see if they are compatible regarding living together, instead of it being a shock when they first move in  after  marriage. Seems logical.  Anyways, I wondered if you think it is a good idea to live with a partner before getting married, why? Or if you think it's better to live with a partner (for the first time) after marriage, why?

SweedyPie · Accepted Answer

Before for sure. Compatibility, observing their behavior when they are not trying to impress anyone but just their normal homey self, seeing good and bad habits and being able to know if you can gind common ground on household responsibilities. Lots of reasons why but it's excellent to do that. With respect to bills, being able to see if each person holds themselves to the responsibility, which would then show their levelnof commitment to keeping their word. Marriage is just a lawfully recognized commitment. The union itself is what is most important to me. If we do not maintain our love, union, unity and balance without the piece of paper that makes us legally responsible for each other, how can we expect to maintain those things after?

Lving together first allows you to learn a whole shitload of things that you cannot know no matter how many dates you go on or time spent with each other. As humans we always tend to present the best version of ourselves in the company of others. Daily habits, traits, likes or dislikes, certain characteristics... These things can only be observed.

I feel the older people dislike the idea because they see it as saying to your partner that they can have all the benefits of a spouse without the commitment of the ring. But to counter that, who do you know that wants to go through getting legally committed to a steaming nasty pile of garbage that has a tuxedo on the outside, only to realize after you are committed? I understand their way but I don't agree. In their way, no matter what you get when the marriage is done, you stay and work it out. In today's world, that's nonsensical.

its_amelia_c · Accepted Answer

I believe it would be a good idea to try before you buy, so to speak. You can only truly know someone once you are fully amerced into their world. The good, the bad and the ugly. Do you know if you can live with things things forever, or do they put you off this person?

It’s better to know these things before making this huge commitment and regretting it as you cannot easily walk away once committed.

And it’s a two way street.

There are some things sure you can live with, they are just quirks, annoyances, habits, you just put them aside. But others, they are big things you didn’t know or realise that may be real breakers!

Time to find out.

TheorionMage · Accepted Answer

Typically, when you date you logically project your 'best foot forward' Persona... Cautious to minimize those aspects of your behavior which might be off-putting. Non-legally binding cohabitation has taken the place of the old pagan tradition of the custom of a 'year and a day' trial marriage, to get to see one another in every aspect of one's best and/or worst.

In modern society we tend to mesh & merge our financial and legal commitments in increasingly entangling configurations, necessitating 'divorce attorney's to sever and sort out what society perceives as a 'legal partnership'. Spawning children only further complicates responsibilities (USE condoms!) No reason to unnecessarily gratuitously fund society's litigious vultures preying upon those who thought using their immediate animal appetites' sans foresight. My wife and self are BOTH divorcees and as such we committed to a binding pre-nuptial BEFORE cohabitation to preclude to falling prey to fractious emotional gratification. We EACH, know there exists an iron-clad 'or else'. As what might be gained vs. what stands to be lost beyond mere companionship.

Now, in the last third of our lives, is too costly to indulge in self-serving emotional juvenile temper tantrums~ ; )

abc3643 · Accepted Answer

ABSOLUTELY YES
You should live together for 2 years before you even get engaged!
I AM SERIOUS.

You really need to know what day-in, day-out life is like with the other person.
In particular, you want to learn how each other handles stress (*) and adaptation. Two years is a pretty good length of time to see almost everything that you need to see about a person. You will learn a lot about them that no amount of dating can reveal. Just as important, you will learn a great deal about yourself.

(*) I always advocate to host a dinner / holiday party of some sort involving family. One in which at least 4 people attend. This will artificially induce pressure as you make plans and do the work together to get that party working. You will see how each other handles it. Arguments may ensue, but that's a healthy thing for determining the future health of your relationship.

REMEMBER: It's not IF a crisis is going to happen in life, but just a matter of WHEN a crisis happens. Being partners OUTSIDE the bedroom is pivotal to success and you two need to be each other's partners to face those crises successfully.

HighlyVolatile · Answer

Absolutely for me. I had an ex with whom I lived together and unfortunately, our relationship fell apart once we did, but I think we dodged bullets that way because we would have been stuck with each other if we married first.

With that ex, we got along so well while dating but not when living together, and that's in spite of us staying at each other's places sometimes for whole weekends while dating. Living together is a whole different ordeal.

In the case of my wife, we tried living together for over a year before marrying and got along so well in spite of it. That effect of getting along so well echoed into our marriage now of over 12 years. I would have married that ex instead if we didn't try living together first, and we'd probably both be miserable now or divorced.

NathanDavis · Answer

180% the best thing you could do before getting married, yes...

the best thing you could do before making one of the most important decisions of your life is, to be the in the best position possible, to be the most sure that everything is going to work out well enough

jumping just with faith in the name of "love" might sound romantic... but you could be signing up for plenty of years of misery or something that is not that bad but is not really what you expected or worse, idealized...

whereismyjohnny · Answer

I think it's good to live together before getting married. Just like you mentioned, to get a ''sneak peek'', but also because I think you never fully know a person until you are with them 24/7, both on good and bad days. This way, you really get to know each other and increase the trust between the two of you since you are basically exposing all the habits, little rituals and sides of you to each other. Plus, you put your compatibility to a real test and have a chance to connect even more and make your relationship stronger.

The strongest argument for it, in my opinion, is that you get used to each other and all your habits (and get insight into what your life together will look like), so there is no surprise after marriage. I think it definitely eases the whole process.

IMuser · Answer

There are two sides to this: one is that when you live together, you pretty much are subconsciously looking for what you like and hate about their conditions. If the hate aspect increases, the probability of you two going separate increases as it is comparatively easy to breakup. This may not give someone to change or compromise

If marriage is directly done, then there is a sort of novelty and due to the difficulties (and time) of getting a divorce, the couple is much more likely to compromise on things unless they are absolutely important.

For a compromise to happen, the communication must be decent (unless one is the "my way or highway" and the other is a doormat). Compromise is essentially not a good thing but in some cases, it is something which saves the relationship

ohshee · Answer

Yes because you want to experience with that's going to be like with each other same with sex sex is not just sex sex is different Everything Changes each and every day and you have to be up for that there's always going to be a partner that wants to slow down and doesn't want to change or experience anything anymore they like it just the way it is well I'm sorry to tell you but life changes every day for each other and you have to be there for each other and change for each other you have to grow together once one person stops growing the other one gets bored and wants to move on

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

I think as individuals if you have less contact with your parents and their parents then it will be ok.

You will have less pressure of each other's parents liking you and that cuts tension.

And if you live seprately it doesn't matter and will be ok as it is more accepted nowadays.

And in west world i have seen its more about individuality and not family.

It's a good idea but it also means you are willing to leave at first sight of inconvonience.

Marraige holds people together during tough times there is sense of responsibility.

That said it depends on individual

Emilyis · Answer

NO. If you live with your partner before marriage then you wedding night will just be another night of sex and it will mean nothing to you. If you don't live with him first, Like me. I was a virgin on my wedding night and I realized that, that night it was his first time too. So yes it was a wonderful experience for the both of us. It took us a couple of days to figure it all out but we got it to work. Show and tell the second night was a good experience for the third night.

Lliam · Answer

It's definitely a good idea to live together, but it's a bad idea to get a place together and share rent and expenses before you are married.

You can keep clothes and necessities at each other's places and spend nights and lots of time together, but still have your own stuff at your place. And if the relationship doesn't work out as you hope, you can separate without any worries about lease agreements, rent or financial entanglements.

AviatorTom · Answer

You're planning to spend a long time together, the rest of your lives is the plan, so it's important to see how compatible you are. There will be differences, and it's good to know (before you get married) how you two can work together to resolve important differences.

Sincerly_KittyCat · Answer

Because regardless if you're living together or not after marriage things always are weirdly different. Having space and privacy before marrying someone is always good. Plus, anything can happen before getting married which cause break of an engagement.

Sarahr123 · Answer

You are already living as husband and wife without the tag of husband and wife so what is the excitement in marriage? You’ll get bored of it. People who’s cultures do not allow this have a lot of excitement at the thought of finally living with the one they love.

DonkeyDan · Answer

Oh yes, very much a good idea. You don't know someone until you've kiced with them, you might think you do, but trust me you don't. All the little things that they hold back to do in private are now laid bare. This is when you can decide if you can really spend the rest of your life with this person, or if you are going to want to kill them 😂

petitedollbabee · Answer

I think it’s a good idea, that way if you hate living together, you’re not bound to stay together like you are in a marriage for the first 2 years. You can easily split up. Or if you do enjoy living together, then that’s a good step towards marriage. Either way, it’s a win-win in my eyes.

Smoke-n-Growls · Answer

Good idea.

For me, it's mandatory. I need to see what my partner is really like - and how I really act around them after we live together.

How do we split chores? How do they do on my early mornings?

Each time I've lived in with a partner, it showed me more of who they are and it saved me from marrying two very disappointing men.

DaySpring · Answer

Good question and hopefully it helps some people out. I think it is a great idea if one can do it. A lot of people hide who they really are when you only see them for dates. When you live with someone they cannot hide. They are forced to be themselves or change for good.

RSav4013 · Answer

I definitely think it's a good idea. You might think you know your partner inside and out, but you'll never truly know someone until you live with them. There could be major red flags that you never knew existed, or the chemistry could simply be incompatible. Mairrage is a colossal commitment with a 70% rate of failure, so the responsible thing to do would be as prepared as possible and living together prior to Mairrage is the only true way to know if you're compatible for sure.

Fireguy17 · Answer

It give both people a chance to see how the other person behave in different situations.
Cleanliness, is 1 partner OCD about how things are done, what about money, does 1 person handle money well and the other person is ass deep in debt, 10 credit cards maxed out?
Little things can turn into big things later, so for me it was good finding all of it out early.

KatherineJ · Answer

My husband moved in with me after he proposed. I think it really depends on the couple. For us, I wanted to make sure we could learn to live with each other before we were legally married. Yes, it was a “just in case” thing, but it worked out very well.

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's a very bad idea to live together before marriage. And I am someone who has done it.
Why? Because the more you stay with him the more you will fall in love. You feel stuck.
I've also faced "attacks" from his family and jealosy from his mother, and I wasn't even married. No good comes from living together.

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