I think it’s a pretty good way to “test-run” the relationship before even considering marriage. But then again, how soon is too soon to live together?
Also, how long do you think you’ll need to be living together before you consider it as a good enough indicator that you can tolerate each other?
This is an extremely complicated and difficult question. I think it's definitely a good discussion to have, though; and I think it is absolutely vital for two people to talk about this if they are dating each other or considering dating.
Not everyone will feel the same way, and that is okay. Personally, these are my thoughts on the subject:
I do not think that people should completely live together before getting married, because I don't think that you should go through the hassle of completely integrating your life with someone until the deal is sealed and your relationship is permanent.
I also don't think people should sleep in such close proximity to each other, because they may be tempted to do sexual things.
HOWEVER,
I DO think there is value in testing out a domestic living arrangement, so that you can try to see how well you will get along together. And you can discover and learn the other person's habits and idiosyncrasies. And if there are any areas of conflict, you can talk about them and try to find ways to resolve the issue so that both parties are happy. (And, obviously, if you can't come to a resolution, then you can call off the wedding and go your separate ways amicably.)
For me PERSONALLY, I would want to remain living in our own separate residences throughout the engagement. And we would be SLEEPING there. At our own places, respectively. But in the DAYTIME, we would come together and spend the day together in the same building. That way we could get used to how it would actually feel like sharing a space together. And how that would work out respecting each other's personal space and personal time. And also seeing how we would work together on business matters, in person, face to face.
I think this is a prudent thing to do.
This meeting together in the same building would happen once we get engaged. Not that it would necessarily be wrong to try it out sooner; but it just wouldn't be relevant yet at that point, in my opinion. But, then again, I could be wrong, and maybe it would be helpful to try it out once or twice before even getting engaged. I don't know. I will keep an open mind on that.
Also, I don't think you necessarily need to be together every day. You can take some breaks. And even from the beginning, you could phase in gradually. Like, 1 day one month, 2 days the next month, 3 days the next, then one day a week, then 2 days a week, then 3, then 4, then 5, etc.
CAVEAT: One very important thing that each party needs to take into consideration is Situational Awareness. AKA Context. REMEMBER that you're still not having sex yet. So you have the responsibilities of domestic partnership without the rewards. So, in other words, do not panic and do not distress! If you're getting annoyed by your partner and you can't stand them, just remember that a lot of that tension will be alleviated in the future when you have the opportunity to remedy it with some good fucking. 😃
(Now, having said that, if you REALLY can't stand them, then that would be a different story. And in that case you should break up.)
Interesting point! I do think trying it out is a good idea so that if there are any personal habits that are clashing or intolerable, we can try to meet at the crossroad and find a solution to completely work it out before committing to a lifetime of marriage life.
And yeah, it’s definitely a good idea to take a break from seeing each other every day. You need a day all to yourself sometimes, this is one of our main concern. If we do end up living together how will the arrangement work? We’d probably have to get a 2 bedroom apartment so we each can have our own space if we need it
Thanks for the MHO!
Chances are you'll get a lot of judgmental comments from people who feel everyone should feel as they do and do what they do. Unfortunately, there is no formula to determine living together compatibility. When you're dating, it's easy to be on your best behavior, even when you spend a night, weekend or vacation together. Just knowing an end is in sight, people can keep their behavior under control. When there is no end (ie after marriage), it's more common to see people removing their masks and expecting the other to accept them as they are. It's very easy to become bitter and resentful when you're confronted with this type of bait and switch.
The longer you live together, the harder it is to maintain a facade, though some people can hold out longer than others. From what I've seen, most people can't maintain a facade beyond 6 months, but some are capable of lasting a year and beyond. I'd hate to give you a time frame that might be too short to see reality or too long, so the two of you just settle into a rut.
This decision is unique to the two of you. Just keep your eyes open for patterns or changes in patterns, and address them when you first see them. Don't just convince yourself you can deal with the other person's idiosyncrasies. By addressing things when they're small, showing curiosity not judgment, we can either learn to fine tune our choices, or we can discover this isn't the person we'd choose to be with. It makes sense to go into any situation with our eyes wide open. You have my best wishes in discovering what you see is reality and not fantasy, and you spend a long, wonderful, loving life together.
This, exactly! We’ve spend the night together but only for a short period of time each time so we didn’t really get to see each other with the “mask” 100% off. We’ve talked about any habits that might come across as potentially weird but we’ll never know how much we can tolerate until we witness those in person right
Sometimes we hide things from potential partners, for fear of rejection, but it is also common for something to be so familiar to us we become unaware of its existence. If both of you are eager to be seen in total, it might not take as much time to learn what reality is. We all have insecurities, and those insecurities can lead us to be reluctant to totally expose ourselves.
Be as supportive a partner as possible. Never accuse, blame, criticize, demand or tell others what they should or shouldn't do, as those actions only lead others to put up walls, shut down or pull away. Show appreciation for what you do like rather than focus on what you don't like, as whatever direction we focus is the direction we tend to go.
In addressing how much weirdness you can tolerate, understand we tend to overlook many of these things when a relationship is new, but when the newness wears off, they become very annoying. It's like rescuing a cute yappy dog and then finding the noise overwhelmingly annoying as time passes and the newness wears off. The solution is to make sure both of you continue to keep the relationship new and alive, not expecting the other to do all the work. It's not about taking things further toward extremes but merely mixing up the combinations you've discovered work well for you. You don't need to add keys to a piano to create a new tune... it's just about new combinations of what's already familiar.
If you need a lot of alone time, schedule it. That will make it easier for the other to respect that time and not inadvertently disturb that time. It can be hard on both when private time is unintentionally disturbed. He may say he needs 20 minutes of silence when he returns from work to unwind before transitioning from work to home.
so according to my mom who has been married for 35 years, she says that its not a great idea to live with someone before you marry them because there will always be something wrong about the person you are with (flaws). You will be angry, frustrated at some point living with them. And if you are not married to them, it is too easy to leave. If you are married to them, you look for ways to handle your partner's flaws.
Though I understand why some people might disagree with her. I can also agree with her at the same time because you will never find someone in this world who is perfect 100% without anything that you don't like about them.
My husband and I didn't live together until after our honeymoon. That was 21 years ago.
All I can say for certain is that you don't learn all of eachother's habits in a few months or even a few years. Some things develop over time and we adjust our wants, needs, likes, and dislikes as we age.
What matters is that your goals and priorities are the same and that they are decided together.
Opinion
40Opinion
1000% yes you never know who someone really is until you live with them.
Yeah and everyone in the comments saying there is data about living together before is more likely to end in divorce. They are literally trying to play life by statistics which is nuts. Like live the life you want regardless of what data/stats says.
There is literally data out there saying that if you smash cake in each other's face at that wedding that your more likely to end in divorce... like are people caring about thay stat? Doesn't seem like it 😂
It is different being married.
How so?
@Apple1996 Aw that’s sweet, that means you’ve been really comfortable with each other even before marriage
@OrallyFixated Because there are legal requirements and immediate comittment. I’ll put it to you this way. 3 of my Elders…married at 20 and no living together bull💩. Two 60 year anniversary and one 65 years. Where are those these days ⁉️ Never see 40 years snd people who live together first have 3x higher divorce rate. When the expectations are set that low…they don’t suddenly improve when married, in fact, they magnify. I don’t give a 💩 about what people in these recent generations have done…it is not working. Go to the journals in the library snd read the findings from research. I’m going with the 60 years plus anniversaries rather than what this Culture thinks works. I’m going with Wisdom
I met my common-law husband when I was 17. We moved in together at 19. Been together ever since. Most of the weddings we attended together over the years have all ended in divorce. 🤷♀️
Marriage is no guarantee. And it’s not the only way to form a committed bond.
It sounds like you are saying that the divorce rate is so high because people starting living together before hand. I’m pretty sure there are many factors you are ignoring here. 🙄
I have nothing against marriage, but it has nothing to offer me that I don’t already have.
As for the living together before marriage…I think it’s a good idea. It would be really shitty to make a lifelong commitment to somebody you find out you don’t really like.
@Totomato
Apparently, my common-law husband and I “play house” better than those who do it for real. 😂
Seriously though, it’s such a personal thing. It’s totally dependent on the people involved. Our arrangement works for us. We have no questions when it comes to commitment, loyalty or responsibility.
I have think if both parties want to live together first, it’s probably a good idea. If one person is apprehensive about it, maybe it’s better to wait.
That would be my advice.
@OrallyFixated I think living together before marriage is a smart idea too! You get the chance to really get to know the person in their “natural habitat” lol. And I agree, a lot of people just take marriage too lightly, I only want to get married once bcs I think marriage is a commitment for life which is why you gotta take the extra steps (like moving in together) to be sure that you’re ready for a lifetime of commitment right.
It’s so awesome that everything worked out for you and your husband, I’m glad you managed to find your forever partner 🥰
u No. It might seem like a good idea, but there's a lot of very unhealthy thinking beneath the surface.
With this kind of thinking, marriage becomes more the "next logical step" rather than a fixed, conscious, and deliberate decision. When pursuing marriage, you ought to be making the conscious choice to love, cherish, and be devoted to the other person for as long as you both shall live. You ought to have it in mind that you will encounter significant and often unforeseen challenges. And you ought to consider that a man and a woman will grow and change, both as a couple and as individuals. The idea of living together before marriage for the sake of finding out of they're compatible with each other or if they "can tolerate each other" undermines all of that.
Plus, this kind of thinking puts limits on what someone will choose to love and it tries to put limits on another person, who, when you think about it, is somewhat of an infinity unto themselves. We all have our innermost thoughts that we can't otherwise express. And often a man and a woman are a mystery to themselves and each other until they commit to marry. Marriage is supposed to help draw out those things and strengthen and nourish them.
And if you think about it, then it makes sense that cohabitation before marriage is often associated with higher likelihood of divorce.
“With this kind of thinking, marriage becomes more the "next logical step" rather than a fixed, conscious, and deliberate decision” this part resonates with me so much! I don’t want to get married simply bcs “we’ve been dating long enough” or “I guess we gotta go to the next step” so the fact that you mentioned this really just captures what exactly I’ve been worrying about but I haven’t been able to put it into words. Thanks for the deep insight!
I don't recommend renting a place together. It's a huge risk. I've been there, done that. It's actually a trap that usually benefits one person more than the other. It creates dependency. It's a way of tightening the noose and making marriage more inevitable, even if you aren't ready yet.
But I do recommend living together while keeping your own places. I've done that, too, and it worked out great. Your own place becomes like a storage locker where you store all your clothes and stuff. I assume that most people like me have lots of stuff.
And if you decide, at some point, that you are not meant to spend the entire rest of your lives together, you can separate amicably and go back to your own place without messy financial constraints, having to find a new place to live, and having to move all your stuff.
I wouldn't consider marrying someone unless we essentially lived together for at least a year or two.
Its how you get to know everything about each other, warts and all. Their unalloyed personalities, habits, behaviors, quirks, and attitudes in all different kinds of situations, including under stress.
I wouldn't share rent, buy furniture, combine assets and possessions unless I was married. No way.
When I did finally get married, it was exciting to look for a place together, and begin living as husband and wife. At that point, we brought all our possessions, bought some new furniture, shared our incomes and everything else.
The thing is, my wife and I took marriage very seriously. We consider it to be a once in a lifetime commitment. The most important decision of our lives. There's no going back. It 's not just a lovey dovey, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It's not just playing house.
That’s actually a really smart way of going about it! I will most likely be the one moving in since he’s recently just bought a house but I definitely don’t want to come across as a free loader. I’m probably just gonna leave my stuff at my parent’s tho, since they live only 15 minutes away lol. Can’t afford paying for my own place + helping in covering the extra bills if I ever decide to move in with him lol I would be paying double the bills 😆
No, I would never try it. I definitely would not want to torpedo my relationship before it even started. Because despite how popular this is and how pervasive the narrative is that it actually is a good trial run, the data shows differently. To the disappointment and sadness of millions of couples, instead of increasing the likelihood of a successful marriage it increases the likelihood of a divorce and an unsuccessful marriage.
https://www. psychologytoday. com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/is-living-together-marriage-associated-divorce
I don't think there's anything wrong with two consenting adults living together, but in general I believe the length of the relationship is more important than whether two peeps live together. Meaning, the amount of time a couple spends together, gets to know each other, invests in the relationship, etc.
No, it kills the romance. Get married and just go to couples' counseling to sort out common relationship issues. You should spend enough time together though first to know what their general worldly beliefs are, and see whether you are compatible.
We’re fully aware of how compatible we are overall but we have a bunch of weird rituals that we each only do at home. I’m also very organized and he’s super messy (but he hates when I clean up after him bcs he doesn’t like his things to be touched), I don't know how that’s gonna play out when we do end up living together.
Don't be fucking stupid.
Sure, get together and go to each others places for a day or two as a couple. But living with someone is a commitment beyond marriage. You need to be looking after the place, paying rent, bills or whatever, married or not.
This is why most "cohabit" relationships fuck up before they get off the ground. You start living like you're married before you're married and end up with finance and privacy problems as a result.
I thought that's quite normal actually. Everyone moves together or spends significant time together before saying "I do" But with todays marriage laws its better for men to say "I never" The government just had to ruin marriage.
It's a great way to tell the other person they'll do if nothing better turns up. Whilst being told the same by them.
Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. It comes with a celebration and a very public announcement that you're in that relationship for life.
No, I won't do any trials. It's either the real deal or leave me alone. I feel like doing trial periods isn't a full commitment. There is no commitment is you'll have one feet out the door all the time and no actual responsibilities.
Nope, I don't have time for trials. I'd rather just move in together after getting married, straight to the point.
I think you can live under the same roof for an year and see. I don't think you can keep your facades up for an year, and slowly you guys would learn the challenges and perks of living together. When it's marriage, you can never be too careful.
What you said is completely on point! I think it’s a great idea to live together prior to getting married just so you have the time to work on any potential issues with cohabiting
Yes. Happy to help.
When you are on dates you are both feeling fine and not in a bad place. If a date is cancelled there's something wrong. If you're married and there's something wrong, you need to know you can deal with that. You need to live with the person to find out if the bad times can be dealt with. Obviously since you are together and consdiering marriage, the good times are pretty darn good. The bad times need to be less than the good times and something you can deal with.
My brother and his ex girlfriend lived together and it was pretty crazy though they never married after living together. My brother got to see how his girlfriend acted after work and see her real true self. I kinda see it as playing house with someone as you aren't married but living together as a couple.
It sounds like a good idea at first but it’s likely you’re preparing for divorce instead of a long term marriage. Statistics prove this as well - couples who live together before marriage have a much higher rate of divorce. If you just want to live with someone to see if things work out and then one of you decides to leave, that’s not how marriage works - that’s how divorce works.
I'd say no, but I will also say everyone should learn to live on their OWN before trying to live with someone else.
To each their own though, if you don't believe in marriage then it is your only option.
No that's why people should be in courtships. That's breaking one of God's commedments.
I think so my biggest pet peeve is a dirty person and a women who doesn't know how to clean or is just to lazy to clean. I also dislike unorganized people. Clutter is a turn off, you should know where your stuff is at all times.
Yes I feel you I feel like Danny Tanner from full house hahaha except I ain't that wild with it but I need clean. Clothes made up in closet racks, room spotless, bathroom clean. Kitchen clean and living room clean & washer and Dryer cleaned lol
I just can't be dirty and if I see a women whose dirty I'm like nope ain't no damn way you never was taught how to clean hahaha.
Yeah it's also a sign as to what kinda house you will come home too when y'all have kids lol cause as we all know kids are destructive when it comes to playing with their toys and snacks and meals during the day lol make s whirl wind plus cleaning up after an adult lol hell nahhh. You better tell him to shape up haha.
You know by taking steps. First try spending weekends together, then travel together, etc. etc. By time you will see if you are compatible or not. I knew my ex and I weren't after spending 5 days together.
That is an important and necessary step if you are considering marriage. If you can't live with each other for a couple of years, you won't last.
Personally I consider it to be extremely beneficial.
There’s a study that suggests the rate of divorce for people who lived together before marriage is higher and honestly it doesn’t seem like it would be that way but since that’s what the statistics say I’d err on the side of caution with it
You can prove anything with statistics, so they're often used to manipulate or confuse the facts. In this study, how many of the participants were truly invested in a long-term relationship before living together, and how many were just focusing on convenience or meeting immediate needs or desires?
@caring__1 very good point! I’m sure there’s some sampling bias going on in those studies, it’s fun to read but I usually just take it with a grain of salt (even tho it does get to my head sometimes lol)
I feel like it would be the other way around but I'm not an expert lol
Research says living together before marriage does indeed reduce the risk of divorce in the first year but increase in the next few years after
If you haven't lived with that person... you don't really know what you're getting into.
It's up there with never having sex...
I think you should at least be engaged or thinking in that direction. Why live together if you don’t see yourself marrying them I would say.
I've done it. It wasn't that bad.
HOWEVER, so many things in life can change. I don't regret doing it at all.
Anybody who thinks you shouldn't live together before marriage is a naive simpleton. You don't really know somebody until you live with them, and you need to know if you can live with somebody before you marry them.
My father in law probably would have shot me.
Yes, you have to know if you are able to live with each other together. If you can't then you shouldn't marry.
Statistics say these couples are more likely to break up
I will be doing that as soon as she comes down here not because I want to test the waters to see how it will go its because I want her with me. I love her and she lives in another country
Yep very yep to that, yep yep. The less surprises after the wedding the better.
Yes, for sure. You really don’t know somebody until you live with them
Yes but give it a time limit. Eg we live together for 6 months to a year and decide if we get engaged or move on. Of course it depends on age.
I would not marry under current laws, nor would I give her a potential claim upon possession of my house by letting her live with me.
@troydt2 That's a smart move because marriage & long-term relationships are volatile & unpredictable.
no because Jesus is reql. i'm against premarital sec... maybe just see each other often, spend more time together. in my country men can court for many months to even years and no sexual contact involve just maybe a good night kiss on the cheek after date and that's it. it can be done.
Of Course
In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you could comment on my question.
some people don't have that option. so no. it depends on the relationships individual situation.
Yeah there’s definitely a bunch of other factors that need to be considered before moving in. Thanks for sharing!
My Aunt's Church mandates it. U have to do that for three months or so. But no sex is allowed.
Test run mostly turns into why get married you get the box for free
yeah, like a trial run, just to see what it'd be like. i realize that it's not going to be EXACTLY like it will be, but, it'll be close enough
In our cultural and religious values, that is not permissible.
A. Yes, I think that is what every couple should do before they get married.
You're welcome.
Absolutely. Living with someone, you see a whole new side of them
No. If you properly vet the person there's no need for that.
True, I can see your point.
Don't ask me , we married quickly. We both losing roommates at College and were horny
You have free will, for now.
yeah i didn't the first time it lasted 7 months, second time i did it lasted 37 years
It will certainly give you a glimpse of what life as a couple will be like before actually tying the knot.
Yes, but just because many live with flatmates/housemates, even though not all are significant others. If two live together, they can save money for rent and stuff. I kind of want to live with a flatmate: together, the better!
Absolutely. Even if it's just 6 months.
Yep, I think so...
That's exactly what we did before we got married
We lived together for 5 years but we also had a child together. My daughter was 3 years old when we got married.
Are you planning on moving in with your significant other?
How long have you been dating?
No I don't. My girlfriend at the time , who is now my wife, dated for about a year before we moved in together. I think it's a good time for you to give it a try.
As with any relationship, make sure there is plenty of communication. Don't argue about little things that bother you, talk like adults
We've been together for 35 years and we still love each other more each day.
Thank you. I wish you two the best of luck together.
Your welcome
Its part of being an adult.
Yes, see if it’s love or lust
What if you’ve been together for years already but never really considered cohabiting up until just recently? I think we’re pretty sure that the love is legit and it’s not just lust, but we’re not sure if we can tolerate each other’s weird habits unless we try living together lol
"Considering marriage"? Only idiot men "consider marriage" this day in age.
Definitely big eye opener
Always good idea
Always, it is better to get an ideea
Absolutely
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