Is smoking pot and drinking alcohol constantly a dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

Hi all, My partner gave up smoking pot when we started dating and before we got married. He also decided to only drink during the weekends but I sometimes let him a cheat week which he could drink during weekdays. Last night after he just had cheat week, he told me he wants to have another one this week and revisit the idea till next year. He was adamant about it so I asked him what’s all this sudden changes? I then asked him what other else he want to do it again. He said wants to smoke pot again and have the choice to be able to do it regarding how I feel about it. I just slowly came into term about him playing up with the other stuff but him telling me more about wanting to do the other stuff is a bit too much for me to handle. This is my first being with someone who smoke, drink alcohol on a regular basis and use illegal substances. Is it reasonable of him to make an expectation for me to let him have a choice and be open minded? I then question maybe I am not the right person for him as I don’t have any experience with those stuff that I have trouble understanding it. Mainly it also goes against my values. He thought telling me those stuff was his idea to get closer to me and being honest. To make things worst, he brought up my sexual abuse when I was young to make a point about being honest. I didn’t give him the complete story about it because it was really hard for me even to just share it. I left the city after the fight to to thinks things over. I’m currently overwhelmed by emotions especially after my sexual abuse was mentioned. He asked me if we are done if he smoke weed again and at the time I said yes. I don’t want to make this ultimatum but I can’t foresee myself being comfortable about the idea in the coming years. To what extent should a wife understand their husbands choice. I always come out as controlling him when I tell him about my feeling reading about the idea. Thank you for reading and I’m hoping to get some advice.

[PrettyPriya]

For me personally, yes, drugs would be a dealbreaker. That is just my personal view and not everyone will agree. As far as drinking goes? Nope, that isn't a dealbreaker for me. Again, that is just me and others will feel different.

Here is the thing though. So long as it is not excessive, it won't be a problem. If my SO drank alcohol every day and in excess, then it would be a huge issue.

My SO will have a beer or other type of drink on the weekends. He usually only has a couple. He is really big, and it doesn't effect him like it would effect me. I can have one glass of wine and that is about it.

Anymore than that and I don't feel right (or drunk/tipsy). So, I will maybe have one glass with him on weekends. We also will have a drink if we go out to dinner.

That is basically the limit for us and not really a thing if we don't have anything at all during the course of a week. If he (or I) started relying on it daily, that would be an issue.

[dustybiker]

Sounds to be something he wants to use to run away from instead of dealing with personal issue (s). That is the problem. He needs a therapist not drugs and alcohol.

[dustybiker]

If they chose not to seek help that is choosing drugs and alcohol over me. So, yes. Dealbreaker.

[WindAtMyBack]

If we were dating it would be an instant deal breaker. If we were already married it might be different. If we were married it would really depend on what kind of negative effects it had on them, and on our relationship. Some people can handle alcohol and weed pretty well with almost no obvious negatives. No matter how well they handled it I would not like it. But if we were already married I might tolerate it.

It sounds to me like he did not truly quit in the first place. By that I mean he did not psychologically quit. There was still part of him that wanted to do it.

Pushing them to quit might have an opposite affect and cause them to smoke and drink more. It is also likely to drive a wedge between you.

[Guy13]

For me it is as that’s a priority and expression of character. And, there are no good side effects that come from it either in the immediate or in the long- term as related to Brain 🧠 (neurology), liver health, Mood, and Choice. 🚩🚩. Do not expect a normal life…sorry but true 🤷🏻‍♂️

[AviatorTom]

From your description, it is obvious that he is an alcoholic and has a pot addiction. Giving him a "cheat week" doesn't help him, it encourages him to continue his bad habits.

If you really care about this guy, get him help to stop both the pot and the drinking.

[misfittoy]

for me deal breaker. tell him to go seek therapy for his issues because they are loud and clear through his actions, goodluck

[Anonymous]

He is basically an addict if he needs to do all that and must not be happy with his life if he needs to do all that since it’s just being high all the time, probably won’t live too long doing all that anyway. It’s definitely a dealbreaker for me someone just smoking cigarettes, an occasional drink is fine but that’s too much what he is doing. Sounds like he needs rehab or he will lose you

[TacosRAwesome]

Kinda especially pot. im not against him having a bit of wine in the evening or a couple drinks when out with friends but that's it.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Smoking anything and drinking any alcohol at all is a dealbreaker for me.

[Jamesshinobi]

yes. if they dont i dont habe anything to say to them.

[Sabretooth]

Throw em back. That's a part of my childhood that I have no intention of returning to or extending.

[Shamalien]

A bit of weed in the evening shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for anyone, it’s like a glass of wine with dinner. If they are high and drunk all day then that’s an issue

[Anonymous]

Smoking Cigarettes, Smoking Pot, Any Drugs Is A Deal Breaker… Light Drinkers Are Acceptable, Heavy Drinkers Is A Deal Breaker… I Have Never Done Any Of The Above, Ever…

[jshm2]

You are being an asshole, enabling these bad behaviours

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

Wait, so you made him give them up just to marry you

[Asker]

No, he voluntarily give it up.
If he would have continue doing it then I would have not married him.

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

so you forced him into it

[Asker]

Nope, as I said he voluntarily do it.
I was only being observant.

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

Then you gave him an ultimatum. YOU FORCED HIM

[TheSpaceGnome]

it does not matter if she forced him or not.

People don't change, a smoker and drinker will always go back to smoking and drinking, its why I ask a woman's history, because if she did either even once, its a no from me.

[Anonymous]

A definite deal breaker. Especially weed, I can't stand the smell.

[stargazeraug1989]

No, not at all. Honestly, I wouldn't mind having a partner who does more than that.

[Kaytiee]

Yes it is for me.

[Nikki1989]

Constantly would be a problem for me.

[LazerBean]

Drinking is not a deal breaker, being a drunk is.

[RangerBlue22]

How old is he?

[Asker]

He just turned 36 this year.

[Sabretooth]

deadbeat.

[RangerBlue22]

I rather him be a pothead than a drunk. Booze f’s you up when you get older and it’s much more addictive/harmful. I admit I was party drinker in college until into my early 30s. But after 35 I felt more and more shitty the more I drank. I never had a problem. But honestly nowadays I only drink when I’m at a family/friend/social get together. Never drink alone. Makes me feel like shit.

You need to draw the line here but do it lovingly. He needs to start going to AA. If he’s still weekday drinking that’s a serious problem.

If he can’t do that then it might be a good idea to re-evaluate this relationship.

[Sabretooth]

Weed is by no means*harmless ".

[RangerBlue22]

@Sabretooth no it isn’t. But booze is worse.

[Sabretooth]

does the name Richard Kirk mean anything to you?

[RangerBlue22]

@Sabretooth I never said pot was harmless. But pot doesn’t lead to an early death (destroyed liver)

Sounds like this guy is no moderate drinker either.

[Asker]

He realised that he got too comfortable in the relationship after I didn’t come home for the last 2 days. Not sure if it’s the right reason why he would like to be able to those stuff again but I’ve decided to draw a line this time.

[RangerBlue22]

No he has an addiction. He needs to go to AA.

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice. I have already came to a decision when he said today that he does not respect that I’m against drugs. I think it says it all.

[Asker]

He does not respect my opinion about it because I don’t have any experience regarding about using them.

[Sabretooth]

you need to think about your future and the future of children. you'll learn that junkies and alcoholics are like suicide bombers... he'll take you down with em.

[RangerBlue22]

Draw the line with him on this. AA or you walk. You can go with him for support if he agrees.

[Pterodon]

It would be for me

[CAPTAIN-OBVIOUS]

For sure yes

[In_Trance]

It could be